"X-E-M-N-A-S
Got it memorized?"
CAUTION: THIS REVIEW IS PART 2 OF A PART 4 OF A RETROSPECTIVE. SO CALL IT A 4 AND 1/2! 4.5? READ THE REST OF THEM!!!!!!
This guy..........
Xemnas is the Man. Plain and simple. While Ansem was, in a lot of ways, a cartoony Disney villain, Xemnas ups the ante in EVERY WAY.
You never know what he's planning. You never know what the real goal is.
His STATED goal is to give Hearts to all of Organizations members......
buuut I never bought it, and I don't think Sora did either.
He behaves like the leader of a cult. His eyes are always pointing upwards. His arms are always outstretched. He has a voice like liquid sex, and he has an almost sympathetic face.
It's ANSEM'S face with slightly different hair, but it works.
Hell, I would've bought it, and even helped him.......
if it weren't for those EYES.
Those eyes.... those horrible yellow eyes.
This is Xehanort's mark. Whenever he does anything of any significance, it is marked by yellow eyes.
And NO incarnation of Xehanort works them better than Xemnas.
Every time you think he MIGHT be on the level, he MIGHT actually want his heart back, he MIGHT not be that bad.....
all you need to do is look at those smug, mocking, PITYING eyes to know that he's full of crap.
To know that he WANTS you to know he's full of crap. He's GLOATING about how he's full of crap.
Oh, he also fights with lightsabers he sprouts out of his wrists.
Any objections you may have had about this villain are now invalid, take your awesome and sit down.
Okay... That's enough gushing. Where did I leave off?
Oh yeah! Xemnas had just made his entrance. That's why I was talking about him.
Sora tries to confront Xemnas, but Xemnas says, essentially, "If you can get to me."
Thus begins one of the most memorable events in all of gaming.
The Battle of Hollow Bastion. Also known as the Battle of the 1,000.
You are dropped in the middle of a vast expanse of land. Enemies as far as the eye can see. A simple instruction appears on screen:
"Defeat all the Heartless!"
You are alone, and you have to take down 1,000 Heartless before you can move on.
It is the biggest enemy grind in gaming history.
And. I. LOVE IT.
To explain WHY we're going to need a term definition. This time of a term never used in the game.
Over 9,000: An Internet meme that references the anime series Dragon Ball Z. Specifically a moment within it wherein a villain of the show looks at apparatus that measures strength, and is shocked to find our hero's power level "Over 9,000." Since then it has been used to describe an instance when a character's fighting prowess or superpowers get to a point of awesomely and ridiculously over the top.
This battle is way..... WAY over 9,000. Scouters are exploding at this point.
You're taking out five or six enemies with one hit. You're wielding the elements at their most potent. If you leveled up right you can f$&king FLY.
NOTHING like this fight had ever been seen before in a video game. It really showcased what the Playstation 2 could do.
Okay, after the awesome, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mickey go off to confront Xemnas.
Sora is desperate. He begs Xemnas to tell him where Riku and Kairi are.
Xemnas has no information about Kairi.
"As for Riku.... Why not ask your king?"
Xemnas opens a Dark Corridor to leave. Mickey leaps in after him.
Saïx then shows up to inform Sora what has really been going on. What they have been using him for.
Every time Sora slays a Heartless with the Keyblade, a captive Heart is freed. This Heart is then recaptured by the Organization and is used to make a mock Kingdom Hearts.
Once it is completed, Xemnas says he will fulfil his promise and return the lost Hearts to everyone in the Organization.
Sora is stunned. He can't believe he's been playing right into their hands.
"How am I of use if I can't use the Keyblade?"
The trio is about to be overrun by Heartless. Sora is frozen and can't, WON'T fight.
"Fools! Must you make me do everything!"
WARNING! WHAT FOLLOWS IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER MINDF$&K. COVER YOUR EARS SO YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T ESCAPE.
Maleficent shows up and says that the Organization has forced her to help Sora out for the time being. She tells them to get out of here and pushes the trio into a Dark Corridor.
They wake up in a field of pitch blackness.
A guy in Organization garb hands Donald a box, then vanishes. Within the box is a Sea-Salt Ice Cream bar (it's been a thing), and a picture of Roxas.
Sora recognizes the boy in the photo, even though he's never met him before.
If you haven't guessed what Roxas is by now, you are welcome to ride the moron bus back home.
Sora, Donald, and Goofy wake up back on the Gummi Ship. Things seem to have calmed down in Hollow Bastion for the time being.
Goofy tells Sora not to worry, the Heartless are still a major threat. He's going to HAVE to use the Keyblade to defeat them. They can work on a plan for the Organization's mock Kingdom Hearts when they come to it.
The trio reasons that the Organization must have a stronghold somewhere. Thus they have to search the Worlds once again for a way in.
For the next few hours you revisit the Worlds you've already seen. In most games this is pretty tedious, but in this game they make it pretty cool. You get to see new areas, fight new bosses, gain new powers, and even get new, cooler, Keychains.
Throughout the levels you keep getting information that suggests that Riku has been helping you out from the sidelines. For some reason however, he won't come forward and confront Sora.
You also deal with another member of the Organization. Xaldin.
Here's my strategy for dealing with Xaldin: Prayer.
I have never been able to deal with Xaldin using anything other than pure luck. You fight the asshole on a narrow walled bridge, so he can corner you when he feels like it. He has wind powers so you're unsafe wherever there's, you know, AIR. His weapon of choice is six lances, which he can fire out in all directions.
Oh, and if you haven't equipped the ability "Leaf Bracer," which makes it so you can't take damage while healing, you are eight kinds of f$&ked.
It's not a BAD boss fight by any means, I just suck at it.
Anyway, you beat him and he dissipates. So cats and kittens! Let's do the math.
So far we have killed seven members of Organization XIII. Two in this game, five in Chain of Abuse Alcohol Until You Have No Memories.
Roxas fused back with Sora at the beginning of the game. Axel is on the run from the Organization and you won't be fighting him again this game.
With thirteen members to start, with that leaves four members left, including Saïx and Xemnas.
After a thorough search Sora finds a way into the Organization's stronghold.
There is a way in through Twilight Town! Kind of.
The way you get in is through the VIRTUAL Twilight Town that DiZ made for Roxas. It's complicated
On the way in Sora has to pass through this kind of Limbo. In here he is jumped by EVERY MONSTER NOBODY IN NON EXISTENCE.
Help comes in the form of, oddly enough, Axel.
Axel says that he had Kairi, but she managed to escape.
She was then captured by Saïx.
Axel helps defeat the Nobody horde, but the strain of the battle is too much for him, and he starts to fade.
Sora: Why did you do all of this?
Axel: I wanted to see Roxas. He was the only one I liked. He made me feel..... like I had a Heart.
Axel then dissipates. An unknown sadness seems to wash over Sora.
A tear that doesn't seem to belong to him trickles down his cheek.
The trio steps through the void into the Organization's stronghold. The World that Never Was.
THEN HOW AM I STANDING ON- f$&k it.
Your first encounter in The World that Most Certainly Is is quite odd.
Donald and Goofy are held back by Dusks and Sora is approached by a hooded Organization member.
The figure touches Sora and warps him to the stained glass pocket dimension from KH1.
In the original cut of the game this fight is handled in cutscene.
In the "Final Mix" cut of the game, you can personally make this asshole pay for WASTING THREE HOURS OF YOUR TIME!
Yes, it's an odd metaphysical boss fight with Roxas! He whips out two Keyblades and IMMIEDIATELY begins pounding you into a corner.
Roxas is FAST. Insanely fast. Almost UNFAIRLY fast. His attack is also off the freaking charts, so expect damage.
You're gonna die..... a lot.
The good news is the schmuck has no defense, and gets stunlocked easily. So once you GET a hit in, the fight is all but over.
Roxas drops his hood and looks at Sora.
"You make a good other."
Sora is warped back to Donald and Goofy. The entire fight happened in less than a second.
And now, the Lightning Round!
Alright, a lot of plot happens in a very short amount of time. Keep in mind that everything that happens from now until the start of the boss fight with Xigbar....
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Xigbar
I'll get to Xigbar
....... is going to happen within FIFTEEN MINUTES OF GAME TIME.
Okay, here we go.
*INHALE*
We cut for a minute to Kairi in the Organization's dungeon. Saïx approaches her and tells her that she is being used as bait because the Organization needs Sora alive.
After Saïx leaves, Naminé shows up in Kairi's cell and uses, let's be honest, the power of plot convenient horsesh*t to bust her out.
Naminé leads Kairi to "Ansem" from the beginning of the game. Naminé reveals that "Ansem" is actually Riku.
It's complicated, I'll get to it after the lightning round.
DiZ showed up with Riku and Naminé. He separates from the group and heads up to the top of a great big tower with a massive cannon to aim at the mock Kingdom Hearts.
He's jumped by a few Dusks and the screen goes black.
Mickey is also here and is kicking all kinds of ass. He starts heading up to where DiZ is.
Sora, Donald and Goofy storm the castle and run into Saïx. Saïx tells them that they still have Kairi, and if Sora wants her, he's going to have to get past the Organization's sharpshooter Xigbar.
TIME! (huff.... huff...... huff)
Xigbar is the Nobody of Ansem the Wise's second apprentice Braig.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER KINDA:
Braig
Braig isn't necessarily important NOW, but he will be in later games. He was the only one who started out as a dickhorse, and not just turned into one when he became a Nobody.
Xigbar uses "arrowguns," that's what he calls them. They're essentially high powered laser firing crossbows.
His superpower is spacial manipulation. Teleportation, opening black holes, etc.
So let's make sure we've got this right. A man who can open wormholes within the arena so he can LITERALLY be in two places at once, with laser guns.
Allow me to swear FOR you.
F$&K. F$&K. F$&K. F$&K. F$&K. MOTHERF$$$$$$$&&&&&&&&&K!!!!
Good GOD this fight is insane.
First part he leaps to a ledge and starts to snipe you.
The camera's perspective is FROM THE ARROWGUN. The only example I can think of of SECOND PERSON PERSPECTIVE gameplay.
You can't avoid the lasers, Xigbar is too good of a shot.
You have to knock a laser back into his face. Once you do this, he starts warping around the field firing at rapid speed.
Time to whip out those Drive forms, people!
I recommend using Valor here. Using long range attacks against a man who can teleport is as dumb an idea as it sounds.
If you're as obsessed with these games as I am, you should be able to only lose ONE night of sleep beating your face against this boss fight.
As Xigbar starts to fade, Sora demands he spits out where Kairi is.
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
Xigbar then fades away, not to be seen for about three games.
Guess who was marketable enough to come back as part of Xehanort's actual plan! Yaaaay!!
Sora is then jumped by Dusks, when Riku ("Ansem") and Kairi show up on the balcony above.
Kairi is irritated that she can't help when the MOST AWESOME THING EVER HAPPENS.
"Take it."
And Riku hands Kairi a Keyblade.
Where did he get it? Why doesn't he use it himself? Why is Kairi suddenly combat effective when she's never fought before in the series? Why does her Keyblade look like it was forged by Princess Celestia and Fluttershy?
I. DON'T. CARE.
It is SO awesome to see Kairi leap off that balcony and start kicking ass! She doesn't even hesitate.
I'm calling it! Kairi is the most badass Disney princess ever.
Riku joins the fight also and Sora is surprised to see, well, ANSEM helping them out.
And now exposition. Damn near HALF AN HOUR'S worth of exposition. Just put the controller down, you're not going to need it.
It's interesting, and well directed and everything, but.... can I kill something now? This is a problem that a LOT of JRPGs have. Really long cutscenes that are nearly uninterrupted by gameplay. This is not a problem KH usually has.
True story, the game Xenosaga had a cutscene so long my brother FORGOT HE WAS PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.
Okay, where to start.
Riku finally explains why he looks like Ansem. DiZ sent him out to catch Roxas and Roxas kicked his ass up and down the multiverse. To defeat Roxas he had to let Darkness consume him to power himself up. When he did this he took the form of the thing he hated the most, understandably, that was Ansem. He's been avoiding Sora because......
Well let's face it, did YOU buy any of that? Didn't think so.
Mickey catches up with DiZ, and DiZ finally unmasks.
"I should have known I'd find you here, Ansem. What were you thinking?"
Yes! DiZ was secretly Ansem the Wise. He went into hiding after Xehanort went insane, and...... he kind of lost it himself.
He went vengeance crazy and started working in the shadows to take down Organization XIII. He adopted the moniker Darkness in Zero, or DiZ.
He used Darkness to fight his battles and pushed Riku to use it as well. Mickey tells him that he's a galloping idiot, and Ansem the Wise can't help but agree.
DiZ explains that he's here now to make amends for everything he's forced Riku to do. Mickey agrees to help him with the canon thingy.
We then get a good look at the mock Kingdom Hearts and it's really cool. It looks like a great big heart shaped moon.
Standing under it is Xemnas. Saïx approaches him and we get an.... interesting conversation:
Saïx: Is it ready?
Xemnas: Nearly. We'll need a few more Hearts to complete it, but it won't be long now.
Saïx: After it's finished.... I can end this charade?
Xemnas: ...... Indeed.
.............
Have I mentioned that Saïx has BURNING YELLOW EYES?
Oh good! Gameplay again.
Sora moves upwards and faces another organization member, Luxord.
You're fighting a Time Mage! Welcome to hell.
Luxord is called "The Gambler" for good reason. This boss fight is designed to be 50% luck. I have no strategy for you. Try to avoid getting hit when he flings giant cards at you.
Bad memories.... Bad CHAIN of memories... Goosfrabaaaa.
Okay, I think I'm good now.
You move into the Organization's green room, known as the Gray Area (cute).
There you meet up with Saïx.
Oh...... Oh so very MUCH pain.
Saïx starts out pretty tame. His weapon is a great big concrete slab on a stick with spikes at the end. It's when Saïx's SUPERPOWER comes into it that things get rough.
Saïx is a Lycanthrope.
Not a WEREWOLF. His power is LYCANTHROPY, there's a difference.
He doesn't turn into a monster, he simply gains an insane bloodlust at the full moon.
And apparently the mock Kingdom Hearts counts.
Master Form here. You're going to need it.
You beat him and, even as he's fading, he keeps up the "charade."
"Kingdom Hearts....... Where is my Heart?"
Sora wonders aloud why he keeps remembering Roxas, and Riku explains the bleedingly obvious.
"Sora, Roxas is your Nobody."
Yeah, remember way back in KH1 when Sora turned himself into a Heartless? That's when that happened.
The group push ahead to the roof and run into Mickey and Ansem the Wise.
Ansem the Wise is pointing his doom canon at the mock Kingdom Hearts. That's when Xemnas shows up and they have some very choice words.
PARAPHRASING:
"F$&k you!"
"Yeah? Well f$&k you too!"
Ansem the Wise tells the heroes that the canon is overloading and they should probably get off the roof now.
Mickey puts a barrier around the group and the canon explodes. Taking most of the mock Kingdom Hearts with it.
It even looks like Xemnas may be dead!
Of course.... he ISN'T. But yay, hope!
This also changes Riku back to normal because.... uh....... friendship?
Filled with newfound resolve. Sora and company go to have the final showdown with Xemnas.
Okay. Now for the final boss fight. The SIX PHASE FINAL BOSS FIGHT.
Phase 1: Just a straight up mano è mano with Xemnas. Not particularly hard.
After that Xemnas absorbs the remaining energy from Kingdom Hearts and moves into......
Phase 2: Hit him ONCE. This is easier said than done due to the fact that he's ten city blocks away from you, and is casually pelting you with SKYSCRAPERS.
I would LOVE to see Cyndi Lauper try to beat this.
"I'm gon-" *WHAM*
After he tries to kill you with a CITY, he shifts into.....
Phase 3: He turns into a giant Dusk rooted to his throne. Yes, yes this IS straight out of Akira. I keep expecting Tetsuo's god choir to chime in.
DUN.... DUN..... DUN DUN.
After you beat this form, (it's not that hard, just keep Curaga on standby), it will look like the fight is over.
Mickey finds a portal that leads back through the limbo-state, and eventually back to the Islands.
Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Kairi all go through it, then it slams shut on Sora and Riku.
Something whizzes past them.
Phase 4: A starship made out of a dragon.
Riku hijacks one of the Organization's hoverbikes (yes, they have hoverbikes) and he and Sora give chase.
And now, because it is required by law, I'll make the Return of the Jedi reference:
"Get alongside that one!"
Can we move on? Thank you.
This phase is a PAIN. The thing has SIX targets on it. You take them out one at a time. They all have obscene amounts of health. Not to mention you're going to be spending a lot of time dodging projectile attacks that are made of concentrated kill you.
I DID find a trick, though. There's a slight bug (at least on my copy) where his attacks can't reach the top left corner of the screen. Camp out there until he's done, then move in for the kill.
After that you move on to....
Phase 5: See phase three with twice as much health.
Phase 6: He looks human again now... Mostly.
He appears to be UNRAVELING. Literally, parts of him are destroying and reconstructing themselves. Some of the color has drained out of his coat so it appears a psychedelic mix of black and white.
After an awesome exchange of dialogue:
Xemnas: If light and darkness are eternal, than we Nothings must be eternal as well.
Sora: True, Light and Darkness last forever.... Nothingness is probably infinite too..... But guess what Xemnas.
*Moves into stance*
Sora: That doesn't make YOU eternal!
We move on to the last part of the final boss fight, and by GOD does it kick ass.
Xemnas's super power is...... Well let me quote the in-game character profile:
"Through power over Nothing, he seeks power over Everything."
What that...... inane gibberish apparently means is that he can warp you to a tiny pocket dimension where he is god, and physics is his bitch.
This is the setting for the final leg of this boss fight.
Let's see here..... He stabs you in the face.....
Throws energy blasts at you...
Frequently shuts gravity off.....
And finally surrounds you in a pinpoint dome of laser pellets you have to deflect back at him like you're a f$&king Jedi.
After that he dissipates, and I'm sure we'll NEVER see him again! (Yeah, not even three games later.)
Riku and Sora escape the pocket dimension to find themselves in hell.
Okay, "The Realm of Darkness." Basically hell.
We have one of those wonderful scenes:
"Hey, we're probably going to die here, we have no way to get home, but we won! Yay!"
After that, a bright light overtakes them.
They wake up on the Islands greeted by all of their friends.
Who provided the light to get them back home?
Sora: We're back!
Kairi: You're home.
So it's happy endings for all, the journey is finally over.
Or is it?
About a month later a bottle washes up on shore. It contains a letter from Mickey.
Whatever it says, it shocks Sora, Riku, and Kairi.
It's not over yet.
And...... That's my favorite video game of all time.
I've spent a lot of time trying to classify this series with a genre, with little success. I can hardly call them "Fantasy," when you think of that you think of Lord of the Rings.
"Sci-Fi" doesn't work either. Science comes nowhere NEAR Kingdom Hearts.
So I came up with my own Genre.
Definition Fantasy.
"Fantasy" doesn't just mean elves and dwarfs. Fantasy means simply a creation of the mind, free from limitation.
A series THIS bizarre, this out of the ordinary, this....... original is the epitome of a fantasy.
There are four other games in the series. I'll look at them at some later date.
In my opinion however, no video game in the series...... no video game, period, can compare to Kingdom Hearts 2.
And I am so happy I got to play it again.
Well next time it's back to basics.
NEXT POST: GHOSTBUSTERS: THE VIDEO GAME
Really, there's only one way to end this post.
Sing along if you know it.
Now it's time
To say good bye
To all our company
M-I-C
See you real soon!
K-E-Y
Why? Because we like ya.
M-O-U-S-E
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