Contra 4

It's....

It's a conspiracy.

A CONSPIRACY I TELLS YA!!!!

Where did it begin?!

Well, back in the 80's, a game was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System called Contra.

And it was virtually unplayable.

Oh yeah, NO ONE could beat this game, no one could even get past level 2.

But that didn't stop people from CLAIMING they did.

My guess is that some school bully cornered a nerd on the playground.

"Hey dweeboid!" he says, being intelligent as silt.

"Leave me alone, Bobby!"

"You're so lame, I bet you can't even beat Contra!" he says, unable to beat it himself.

"Yes I can!" the nerd lies. "I bet you don't even know about the last boss!"

"Y-Yeah I do!" the bully says, worried his bluff has been called

"That big Xenomorph looking thing? You remember it?" a grin widens across the nerd's face.

"You're makin' that up!" says the bully, taking a risk.

"Ha! I knew you didn't beat it!"

And thus the world of deceit began. Over the years, the nerd and his cohorts had to cover their asses. So various fake YouTube videos were made to show the "Later Levels," which may or may NOT actually exist.

It is my theory that NO ONE has actually beaten this game or its three main sequels, and not because of the brutal difficulty.

For those of you about to say I'm a pansy, I got past the motorbike level in battletoads, a legendarily difficult game level, without dying once.

No, it's not the difficulty.

It's because this game is a MIASMA of bad game design and stupid decisions. So let me take you through it piece by piece. Let me take you through MY experience.

Or as I like to call it: THE WORST TWO HOURS OF MY SHORT LIFE.

The game starts out with, to be fair, a pretty damn cool intro. It tells us that three years after the "Alien Wars" (i.e. Game 3), the aliens have come back to start it all up again and the military has sent four "specialists" to deal with the problem.

By the "specialists," they mean four guys without shirts.

They are Bill, Lance, Mad Dog, and Scorpion. The main difference between them being the color of their pants.

I select the one whose pants I liked the best (I think it was Lance, but who gives a sh*t), and I go on to the firs-

DEAD

Huh. That was quick. That's ten lives that went down the drain in less than five minutes. I must've done something wrong.

Oh! I remember! The code! I kept hearing that these games were nigh impossible unless you used a specific button combo on the title screen. The famous "Konami Code." Right! Here we go...

Up! Down! Up! Down! Left! Right! A! B! Start!

Okay that should have TRIPLED my lives. So let's get this started and....

It didn't work. Huh.

Okay, maybe I did it wrong.

No... No, I did it right...

Aha. Further research tells me that they have taken the Konami Code out of this installment.

Okeydoke, I guess we're hardcoring this one.

I've got to remember that this game was made in a very 80's mindset. If you don't know how to operate any of the controls, f$&k you. If you're having a hard time, that's good, because the more you lose, the more quarters you need to put in the machine.

Of course, I'm playing this on a home system, so this just seems needlessly cruel, but whatever.

Okay, I have to get serious. FOCUS DeAndrea, you can do this!

As I'm playing this, I'm questioning the practices of this military organization. Why do I have no shirt, let alone Kevlar, on? Why am I alone? Why isn't the helicopter that took me here not backing me up? Why am I alone? Why am I carrying the single worst rifle in the history of warfare? Why does it appear to fire kumquats? WHY AM I ALONE?!?!

The more I do that, the more I begin to question Konami's thoughts making this series. Why do all of the enemies take two hits before they drop, but I take only one? Why can't I back through the level to collect power ups? Why are 90% of the power ups useless? Why are Lance, Bill and Co. so annoying although they have no personality or character?

The questions mount as I FINALLY make it to the first boss. A wall.

I'm dead serious, it's a wall that shoots lasers at you. Thank you for the vote of confidence, game.

The first thing I notice is that the helicopter came back! I THEN notice that it has a minigun attached to it..... that it isn't using.

Guys? A little help? Laser-spewing wall of pain?

After several tries, I finally make it past the wall. I then make it to the second level, whereupon I am insta-killed by an exploding zombie.

I was about to pack this sh*t in right there but then my BROTHER (I don't like to name people in these reviews so let's call him M.G. Monk, or F$&kface, either works for me) tells me that HE got to the end of the SECOND level before giving up.

My pride gets the better of me, the words of my editor (let's call him Flying Dutchman) talking about professional integrity ring in my brain.


I'm sent into a blind fury, screaming through the entire first two levels. Beating my face against this uninspired hellmouth of a game. Taking all the punishment I can handle before I completely lose it.

I get to the end of the second level and I am trampled by regular enemies running away from the second boss.

And that is when I scream. Really. I scream. Loudly. The neighbors hear me.

People up the street hear me scream "F$&K THIS GAME! F$&K IT RIGHT IN ITS NOSE HOLE!!!!!!"

And that's my review in a nutshell. It's a samey, uninteresting, CATASTROPHE of a game. The brutal difficulty is the only thing that sets this game apart from any other dime-a-dozen Run N' Gun. The fact that these games have such a loyal fanbase confuses and infuriates me.

This game does NOTHING new. There is NOTHING unique about it. Take out the face-breaking-through-a-brick-wall difficulty, and what do you get? A guy with no personality or shirt firing at OTHER poorly designed characters with the worst guns imaginable. Whoop-dee-doodle-doo.

This game succeeds at nothing but trying my damn patience. My final recommendation? Don't waste your money, or your precious time.

Grrrrrr. I'm stressed out now, and I don't want to do another off-topic review! Dammit!

I need something.... HAPPY. Something just- just HAPPY for me!

NEXT POST: POKÉMON Y

.... Really?

Your not pulling my leg?

*Sniff* That'll work.

Until next time guys.

Top Ten Favorite TV Shows

Don't let it be said I spend all of my free time playing video games, just most of it.

I love television. I was raised on TV. It's because of good TV that I can recognize good writing when I see it. Television has always been one of those things that make me happy almost instantly. At least, when the show is halfway decent.

When the show is actually GOOD, I immediately turn into a writing snob, telling you not only WHY it's good, but why you are a philistine for not accepting it even if you already do.

I'm a jackass.

These are the ten shows that turn me into a jackass the fastest. All that being said, I will try to explain why I like the show and leave the demeaning to my game reviews. I'll also tell you my favorite episode of each show, and why it is my favorite episode.

So with all that out of the way, let's get these shows on the road!

(Shut up, he thinks he's witty.)

10: GOLDEN GIRLS
FAVORITE EPISODE: MRS. GEORGE DEVERAUX

Yeah, the first two items on this list are going to make me seem like a middle aged Miami woman.

To be fair, I can't find anyone who DOESN'T like this show. For those of you who don't know, The Golden Girls was a sitcom that ran in the mid 1980's about four older women who live in a house in Miami: Blanche, a southern belle with a libido that would make a Kennedy blush; Rose, a woman who would easily float away without the weight of her shoes; Dorothy, a (ugh, I hate it when I have to use this term) "no-nonsense" schoolteacher who is the token sensible one; and Sofia, Dorothy's insane mother (I can relate).

This show is made by its cast. Betty White (Rose) is one of my favorite comediennes on the planet, same with Bea Arthur (Dorothy). Rue McClanahan (Blanche) is just a damn good actress, and it still astounds me that this is Estelle Getty's (Sofia) first acting job.

It also depresses me that the only other thing I can find her in is Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.

The favorite episode I have listed is called "Mrs. George Devereaux." This is one of those "The sitcom is going for an Emmy" episodes, and I ALWAYS love those.

Blanche is infamous in the show for her incessant sex drive, but it is made clear that she has only been in love ONCE, with her husband George.

George has been long dead, but in THIS episode he returns, claiming he faked his death because his company was trying to screw him over.

It's a dream, you know that going in. Actually a recurring dream of Blanche's. What gets me about it is that it's far from idealized. Blanche starts out FURIOUS at George for taking so long to contact her. George has to spend a lot of time excusing his own behavior.

It's a really moving experience. It helps to deepen what could have been a very shallow character.

This show has one of my favorite casts, some of my favorite comedy, and probably one of my favorite half hours ever televised. So, it's only natural that it's one of my favorite shows.

9: MURDER, SHE WROTE
FAVORITE EPISODE: THE MURDER OF SHERLOCK HOLMES

So yeah, don't move to Maine.

Not only is it infested with evil nether beings that use a town as a web in order to feed on children's fear, it also has the small town with the highest murder rate in the country.

I am, of course, speaking of Cabot Cove, home to mystery author J. B. Fletcher. J. B. Fletcher wrote a mystery novel in her spare time and her nephew has it published. She becomes a best-seller overnight and is whisked around the world where she always runs into a murder, and always solves it.

I love this show for two reasons.

1) I love Angela Lansbury.

2) I get a kick out of the premise.

As a writer, I always like it when a writer is made to be the star in a story of their chosen genre. It makes me smile.

My favorite episode is actually the pilot. I like seeing J. B. rise to fame.

And.... That's essentially it. It's just a good time with a great actress.

But we've been too down to earth. Let's become downright stereotypical.

8: STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE
FAVORITE EPISODE: WALTZ

There we go.

I'm not going to give you the backstory on Star Trek. There's no point is there? Just Google it if your education is really that lacking.

I AM going to say that I have seen most of the Star Trek franchise. All of the shows (except for Enterprise, thank God), and all but three of the movies (1, 5, and 7). I landed on THIS as my favorite series after heavy debate.

This show gives me what I want out of Star Trek, namely Quark's Bar.

I like seeing how the world works outside of StarFleet. I like getting a glimpse of alien cultures and interactions. This show delivers that better than any other show in the franchise.

This show also boasts my favorite captain (Sisko), my favorite side character (Quark), my favorite starship (Defiant), and one of my favorite 42 minutes of television ever produced, and certainly my favorite Star Trek episode.

The episode is called Waltz. It features Captain Sisko and the main villain of the series, Cardassian Legate Gul Dukat, marooned on a desert planet with only each other for company. Unbeknownst to Sisko, Dukat has completely lost his mind (due to events earlier in the series). Dukat spends the episode talking to side characters that aren't there, essentially giving face to his delusion.

The episode ends with Dukat leaving the planet alone. Locked in with his own madness.

This episode is so damn amazing it alone could skyrocket this show at least two places higher..... if it weren't for the last fifteen minutes.

Literally, the last fifteen minutes of the show are enough to make me so angry I could kill woodland critters for being too cheerful. I don't want to spoil, but it is the DUMBEST POSSIBLE ending to the DUMBEST POSSIBLE plot thread, and it is executed in the DUMBEST POSSIBLE way.

I really don't want to spoil, so I'll simply say when the Dominion War is done, so should you be.

7: HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
FAVORITE EPISODE: THE TIME TRAVELERS

I like shows that give me hope, this is the king of them.

The show focuses on Ted, who, in the year 2030, is telling his two kids the story of how he met their mother. Key characters in the story are; Marshall and Lily, Ted's best friends from college (their marriage causes Ted to think about settling down); Barney, a horndog who's activity makes Blanche look like a nun; Robin, an old girlfriend of Ted's; and, of course, The Mother, constantly nameless, never seen until the end of the penultimate season, billed as Ted's perfect woman.

And... yeah, when you meet her she really doesn't disappoint. That's what I love about this show. You know from off that everything is going to be incandescently happy at the end. So all of the uncomfortable moments that would exist in other sitcoms can just be funny, because everything is going to be all right.

My favorite episode is called "The Time Travelers." Barney is trying to talk Ted into going to an event (Robots VS. Wrestlers, a running gag within the series) saying that it will be a night he will remember for thirty years. Ted imagines himself from the future walking into the bar and encouraging him to go. It's a good metaphor for thinking about the future and how our choices effect it. I'm not going to spoil the ending here. Watch the show if you're curious.

As a pathetic romantic myself, I sympathize with Ted. The show is a great banner for hope in the face of hopelessness.

6: THE WEST WING
FAVORITE EPISODE: CELESTIAL NAVIGATION

Yay! I'm going to talk about politics!

WAIT! DON'T LEAVE!

I'm going to talk about FICTIONAL politics, specifically the administration of President Josiah Bartlett.

The show focuses on the internal drama within the White House. My three favorite characters are very similar to me and my family. I'm like Josh, obsessed with winning, and good at it, oftentimes smug, but with good reason (I AM awesome), and highly neurotic.

My brother is like Toby, bearded, a great writer, often self righteous, tends to answer most questions with snark, and DEFINITELY with more sense than Josh.

Mom is Jed Bartlett, highly educated, intellectual, will answer questions in Latin because she can, and is the one that Josh and Toby would fall on their swords to protect.

My favorite episode is called "Celestial Navigation." Josh is talking to a college class about "a typical day in the White House." What follows is probably one of the most hilariously accurate depictions of a political clusterf$&k I have ever seen. This includes a Supreme Court candidate being arrested, a cabinet secretary calling a congressman a racist, and why I should NEVER speak to the press.

This is just a great political drama. It's all on Netflix if you want to check it out.

Oh, and if there is a moral to this list it's "Get a Netflix Account."

5: BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES
FAVORITE EPISODE: ALMOST GOT 'IM

My top five are cartoons. Go figure.

This is probably one of the most highly rated cartoons in the WORLD and with good reason.

Prolific cartoon creators Bruce Timm and Paul Dini decided to take their talents to Batman. They did a HELL of a job, not only making Batman even more awesome than he already was, but also kicking off the iconic DC Animated Universe.

This show IS Batman to most kids of the 90's, including myself. Kevin Conroy has got the perfect voice for the Dark Knight.

Also, I swear to God, Mark Hamill is my favorite Joker.

I just made my Anonymous Editor's head spin.

On paper it sounds awful, but he's having a BLAST, as is apparent in my favorite episode. Almost Got 'Im.

Joker, Penguin, Two Face, Poison Ivy, and Killer Croc are playing a game of poker, swapping their stories to see who came closest to killing the World's Greatest Detective.

And that's all you're getting out if me. Watch the show to find out what happens.

Well animated, well acted, and just plain awesome on all fronts. This show has earned its place in cartoon history.

4: PARANOIA AGENT
FAVORITE EPISODE: ETC

Ooh, anime. Well, we knew this was coming.

First a question: what does "fear" mean to you?

When you think of something you're afraid of, what pops into your head?

My brother jumps to spiders.

My Mom doesn't like clowns.

I picture a ten-year-old kid with a bent baseball bat, and golden roller blades.

That is the face of Lil' Slugger, the monster of the horror anime Paranoia Agent.

Lil' Slugger is a HORRIFYING presence, and it helps that he attacks you if you have a problem I have.

Lil' Slugger won't KILL you. Not usually. He shows up when you are desperately looking for a way out of your responsibilities.

Hey, you don't have to worry about that deadline if a spectral tween has broken your kneecaps with an aluminum bat. Right?

He's a living excuse, and he quickly becomes a legend around Japan. Rumors start flying around, as seen in my favorite episode, ETC.

Four gossipy housewives are swapping rumors about Lil' Slugger. One is constantly disbelieved, due to the fact that she is the wife of a famous screenwriter.

Embarrassed, she comes home to find her husband beaten and bloodied on the floor. The episode ends with the wife begging her husband for details of the attack.

I use this as proof that anime can be truly amazing. Next to "The Thing" this is probably my favorite horror story on the planet.

Check it out if you have a burning animosity toward sleep.

3: YOUNG JUSTICE
FAVORITE EPISODE: AULD AQUAINTENCE.

I love superheroes. I really do.

After the beating they receive on a monthly basis from comic books nowadays, it's good to see shows made by fans.

This show was made by MASSIVE Teen Titans fans.

The show takes place in the DCU, and focuses around a team of young superheroes, (they never refer to themselves as Young Justice, just "The Team") which is used as kind of a covert arm of the Justice League.

Members include Aqualad (Khal'dur Ahm), Robin (Dick Grayson), Kid Flash (Wally West), Superboy (Connor Kent), and Miss Martian (M'Gann M'Orzz). A sixth member joins the team, an original character for the show, a sidekick to Green Arrow known as Artemis.

The show documents their struggle against a group of villains known as The Light, led by longtime DCU villain Vandal Savage. The Light believe that superheroes have stunted human evolution and seek to rectify that by eliminating them.

Some comic fans out there can guess one member of The Light's roster already.

My favorite episode is the Season 1 finale. Throughout the season, the show introduced several plotlines that could be DEATH to a superhero story. Superboy's on steroids. Artemis is lying about her background. It's a complete mess.

Then they do the most intelligent thing I've ever seen a superhero team do.

They TALK about it!

Yeah! Everyone with a secret just comes out with it all at once. No one feels betrayed, no one shuns anyone else. They've become a family at this point and they will help each other through this.

My jaw hit the floor when I saw this. I was convinced that the show was going to suck out loud at that point. But after the biggest upset victory since Goliath, it paved the way for the second spectacular season.

Which is arguably even better than the first. It's obvious it's building up to something big. The last shot is Vandal Savage shaking hands with Darkside, the final boss of the DC Universe.

Aaaaaand then the show was CANCELLED by DC editorial.

Yeah.

They did it to pave the way for a new show, "Teen Titans, Go!" And if you want my opinion on THAT atrocity, go ahead and YouTube Teen Titans, Go!.....

I'll wait.

..........................

Nose stopped bleeding? Right then! On with the countdown.

2: SPECTACULAR SPIDERMAN
FAVORITE EPISODE: INTERVENTION

Have I mentioned that I love superheroes? I do! I love superheroes!

By far my favorite happens to be Spiderman. Why? Simple. He was a geek.

That always resonated with me. The fact that he could use his talents for himself and didn't even after being kicked in the mud so many times gave me hope that there are basically good people out there.

He's been adapted to film and animation many times, but THIS is the best representation of the character.

And before anyone mentions the original movie series to me....

I hate the Sam Raimi trilogy with a FIERY passion, and if I have to hear one more idiot spout off about how Spiderman 2 is one of the best superhero movies ever made, comparing it to the likes of The Dark Knight, and The Avengers, I WILL SEASON YOUR HEAD WITH BACON BITS AND DUNK IT IN A BUCKET OF PIRANHA FISH!!!!!!!

*pant, pant* Where am I again?

Oh, right, the show with... with the.... with the thing.

My favorite episode is called Intermission. It deals with the symbiote suit and the birth of Venom (much better than RAIMI ever could), and is one of the best adaptations of a comic I have ever seen.

That, plus my favorite theme song that has ever appeared on television, are only a few of the reasons to give this show a watch.

(PS: The reboot movie is actually pretty damn good! I'm really excited for the sequel this May!)

(PPS: I hate Sam Raimi, Evil Dead or no.)

Well, it's come down to this. My number 1. The only show I make sure to catch when it comes on. The only show with a fan label I adopt.

1: MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC
FAVORITE EPISODE: A CANTERLOT WEDDING.

I am not a Trekkie.

I am not an Otaku.

I am not a Whovian

I am a Brony.

This show is watchable, which is a surprise in and of itself considering the franchise. For it to be good, let alone GREAT, is a downright freaking miracle.

The story of how this miracle occurred starts with a woman named Lauren Faust.

Lauren Faust is a protege of Gendy Tartarkovsky. For those of you who don't know who that is, Tartarkovsky is a cartoon creator who was responsible for my entire childhood. He made Dexter's Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls, and Samurai Jack, all excellent cartoons in their own right.

Faust learned everything she knew from her mentor, and soon developed a style of her own. She scored a hit with the cartoon series Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.

She had a new idea for a television series that would give strong female role models to girls, this was Galaxy Girls, she hoped to have Hasbro push a line of toys for her to get the series going.

Hasbro said "sure," but they put a condition on it. She had to produce the new My Little Pony show.

She looked at it as an opportunity. She loved the franchise growing up and she realized that THIS was the chance she needed to create strong female role models.

So she wrote a pilot episode that was essentially her nine year old fanfic, in the hands of a now thirty year old professional writer.

And. It. Was. AWESOME.

This show is concrete proof that any premise, no matter how girly, can be saved by enough talent behind the camera. This show's magic is in taking "little girl" premises and injecting 50 CCs of METAL into them.

For Example:

1) The town of Ponyville is awaiting the arrival of the Princess!

It is interrupted when the princess's sister (essentially Satan in this universe) kidnaps her and plunges the world into eternal darkness

Halfway through the episode a unicorn kicks a manticore in the face.

2: Pinkie Pie thinks that her friends didn't invite her to a party.

She goes insane, to the point where she starts talking to a bucket of turnips.

And the bucket of turnips talks back.

3: There are cotton candy clouds and chocolate milk raining from the sky!

It's being caused by an elder god of chaos who plunges the world into endless madness and despair.

The elder god is voiced by John DeLancie. Q from Star Trek.

And of course, my favorite.

4) The ponies attend a royal wedding.

A shape shifting bug-horse hybrid is masquerading as the bride. The princess of the kingdom has been put into this gooey cocoon thing and suspended from the ceiling, while the shape-shifter's army of insect-ponies terrorizes the kingdom.

A battle scene ensues (yes, MLP has battle scenes now) and it is one of the most epic things I have ever seen. There is an image at the end of it (you'll know it when you see it) that I want superimposed on my wall.

I know the writers! That's how much of a fanboy I am. I look at who's writing this week and by that I can tell whether I'm going to like or love the episode.

There is rarely hate. It's not UNHEARD of, but it's rare.

I cannot recommend this show enough. Keep in mind it is a little girly, it is a show about magic horsies after all, but you can actually FEEL the talent behind the camera, and in front of it.

Well, that was a nice break. Got to catch up on my shows, got to mix it up, and I calmed down from XCOM. I'm ready to do what I got into this for again.

So what's up next?

NEXT POST: CONTRA 4

Contra?

Contra?!

CONTRA?!?!?!

MUST. PUNISH. KITTENS. FOR. BRINGING. HAPPINESS. TO. HUMANITY.

ANTI-LIFE JUSTIFIES MY RAGE!

AIIIIIIIEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHGHGHAAAAAGGH!!!!!!!!!

XCOM: Enemy Unknown

Uuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh..........

I have new sympathy for Ban Ki-moon.

I now understand what it is to handle the affairs of several nations at once.

Do you know what it is?

RAISING INFANT SEPTUPLETS.

Whenever you calm down one, three more get all fussy and start whining. By the end of the day you are so tired you're ready to topple onto your huge holographic globe projector.

Okay, I should take some aspirin and try to explain the history of these games, and this title in particular.

XCOM was one of the first tactics games ever created. It was also one of the most complicated, due to the fact that you had to manage the economic, bureaucratic and political aspects of war as well as your troops on the battlefield.

The premise was pretty simple. Aliens invade and start abducting people, lending credence to harmful stereotypes. A coalition of countries decides to put a bunch of money into a big hole and burn it by barely funding the XCOM project, a contingency plan in case of alien invasion. They put you in charge of this project because of your extensive command experience.

For me that means yelling at my cats during an episode of Colombo whilst eating Cheetos.

By the way, when I say you, I mean YOU. The characters talk directly to the fourth wall and refer to it as "Commander."

I would tell you about what's different about this title, but the answer would be the graphics and the upgrade system. That's it. It's essentially the same game, which is one of the most surprising things about it.

When this game was first announced, 2K studios made it seem like a first person shooter, removing the strategy element entirely. This caused MAJOR public outcry (including one VERY famous example ((YouTube: Spoony, Betrayal))) which caused them to release this game INSTEAD of the planned FPS. This title was immensely popular. So popular, in fact, a sequel is already in the works.

And I don't like it very much.

It's not that it's a bad game. Far from it. It actually has great 80's Sci-Fi movie feel to it. The character customization on the troops is damn near insane. The side characters are fun, and it all has this wonderful layer of CHEESE. The enemies all have name's like "Sectoid" and "Muton" and look like something out of an old UFO movie. The story doesn't hold up in the most wonderful way, and it was written by people like me who spend WAY too much time watching old Sci-Fi movies.

The combat is also really cool. You spend most of your time putting your troops in cover trying to keep them alive. It's very tense in a good way. Sometimes your units will panic and leap out of cover in blind fear. It's good at keeping you at the edge of your seat.

Now if I could ever edge BACK.

I come from a high strung family. We have a tendency to freak out at the little things. We all have ways of calming ourselves. My mom reads, my brother writes, I play video games.

This game..... does not calm me down. At all. It's one of those things that just pushes me to hyperventilation. This game is unadulterated PANIC.

"Panic" is in fact the operative word here. There are eight countries who fund XCOM, all of which have a "Panic Level" which indicates how close a country is to mass rioting. If it gets too high the government dissolves and the funding is lost. If six countries are overrun, it's GAME OVER. Adios. Goodbye.

There are ways to lower the panic of course. You can take missions in that country, fly a satellite over it, etc. The PROBLEM is that multiple countries will need your help equally as much at the same time. So you always have to pick and choose.

Whenever you lose a country's funding, this bald douchebag consumed in shadows calls you up and yells at you. At the end of each month he gives you a report card on how the project has been going.

I. HATE. GAMES. THAT. GRADE. YOU.

I hate them. Every time. Who the hell are you to judge me, asshat? I don't have to IMPRESS you! You're here to impress me. And... you have, for a lot of it. BUT NOT ENOUGH.

Another problem is that XCOM is a REACTIVE agency. So 60% of the game is spent waiting for the next disaster. And it's waiting in the worst possible way. It's like waiting for the clown you know is coming, but didn't want at your birthday party.

It's all just constant STRESS. This game is pure stress. I can't take too much of this game in one sitting, even watching someone else play it. My recommendation... carries no weight.

Like I said, I'm a high strung guy. A lot of people really like this game, and it IS very well made. This is a prime example of "not my cup of tea." If XCOM sounds interesting to you, give it a whirl.

As for me, I need a rest from games for a couple days. I think....

I think I'm going to watch some tv.

NEXT TIME: THE MCC'S TOP TEN FAVORITE TV SHOWS.

Fire Emblem: Awakening

Let's get something out of the way before we start. Namely, a problem in the tone of the last review.

I have a friend who reads these reviews. He helps me with the quality of my writing, the lack of quality in my grammar, the fact that I spell words like a dyslexic orangutan, etcetera. He has been a massive help and I appreciate the help and feedback more than I can possibly say.

However he said something in our last discussion that concerned me. Namely that I was serving two masters, accuracy and comedy. I'm trying to be funny, which often means I highlight the negative aspects of the game more than the positive. Hence good games, like Castlevania, are cast in a negative light. Which is not my intention at all.

Castlevania is a good game. I was, and still am, having a lot of fun with it. I certainly didn't MAKE UP the negative qualities I highlighted in my review (God HELP me the QTEs), but it WAS a recommendation especially at the reduced price it's at now.

So let me make sure I am crystal clear on this.

Fire Emblem: Awakening is spectacular. Truly amazing. This is a very high recommendation. I'll explain why in a moment, but right off the bat BUY THIS GAME. Right now it is $40 and a Nintendo 3ds system is about $120, I think. Honestly I would gladly pay twice that for the pleasure of playing this game. I'm not joking. It's a little too early to tell, but this may end up being one of my favorite games of all time.

Right! Now that the salivating is out of the way, let's make with the funny!

............

It's kind of hard to portray Yankety Sax in text so if you would all play it at home I would appreciate it.

Fire Emblem is a series of tactics games that began in 1990. For those of you who don't know what a tactics game is, allow me to explain. Imagine a tabletop war-game, except you only have 6-14 soldiers and you decide what each of them is doing in the battle. Each of these soldiers have their own special set of skills, strengths and weaknesses, etc. and it's up to YOU to place them where they need to be.

On a scale of 1-10 of games I'm good at, these rate.... 5?.... Maybe a 6? I'm not the strategic type. I'm better at checkers than I am at chess. So my skill at these games is proportionate to my investment in the setting and story. This game may have pushed me to a seven.

The setting and story are really good, if they follow the formula a tad. In all Fire Emblem games, you play as an amnesiac tactician who is found in a field by a good-natured blue haired person who either doesn't know, or doesn't TELL you that they're royalty. You end up getting involved in court intrigues and international politics which distract from the ACTUAL threat (usually an omnipresent demon thinger) that you deal with in the last third of the game.

For those of you about to accuse these games of ripping off Game of Thrones, two things.

1) Fire Emblem 1 came out in Japan SIX YEARS before the first book of the Song of Ice and Fire series hit bookshelves.

2) Fire Emblem gets to the screwing POINT. I'm sorry. What are we, FIVE books in and STILL no attack by the Others? I mean the civil war crap is very interesting and you've made some REALLY deep characters, but I know for a fact that 60% of them are going to die when ice demons sweep down from the north and render all the politics moot. Seriously George, HOW are you keeping me invested again?!

As I was saying, this game sticks to formula... mostly. The tactician normally barely has any impact on the story and only exists as a confidante to the main character. In fact, going by the rules of storytelling, it's questionable whether or not the tactician EXISTS. Only the hero of any given title talks to him, and he only talks to the hero. It could easily be that hero's delusion or an embodiment of his or her own tactical skill. The tactician never says a word. You're supposed to fill in the dialogue for him.

In this game the tactician has a character, a voice, even a canon name: Robin, purposefully androgynous due to the fact you can play as a male or female character. The tactician is fully customizable (it is FRIGHTENING how much my tactician looks like me), and even useable in combat! Even USEFUL in combat!

Robin wakes up in a field and is found by Chrom. That is, PRINCE Chrom, blue of hair, mild of demeanor. Chrom spends his evenings killing monsters with a massive Falchion and he invites you to join the fun. Traveling with him you find out all about his nation's skirmishes with the kingdom to the north, how they BOTH are being manipulated by a kingdom to the west, and the internal relationships of the members of the adventuring party.

..... Oh, and there's a magic shield that's being hunted by a giant black fire breathing snake from beyond the curve of space and within the angles that lie beyond. He wants to use it to bring about a zombie apocalypse, but we'll deal with that later.

I make fun, but it's actually very well handled. The dragon is built up over time and the heroes have regular encounters with its forces. The fact that it's intelligent makes it more of a malevolence in the story. In fact *spoiler warning* it's been manipulating the minds of a lot of the nobility to throw the world into chaos, so the civil war is actually RELEVANT to the ending.

Have I made it clear how freaking sick I am of Game of Thrones' faffing about yet?!?

I also like these characters much better, most of THESE characters aren't assholes and those that ARE have other character traits. (Seriously, WHAT is the appeal of that series?!) In fact the characters are all very likable and well rounded. Which is very impressive considering there are 40 of them, and all of them can hook up with each other.

I'm serious. Every character can have a romance with characters of the opposite gender. Your tactician can fall in love with ANY OF THEM.

Here's a challenge for you. Create twenty different, interesting, well developed characters. Now create one character that's also very likable in his or her own right. Now create romances that make sense between all of them.

Tough right? Nigh impossible? God help me if they didn't manage it. They're ADORABLE. I don't care how girly I sound, these scenes are just so damn CUTE. I'll admit right now, I'm a sucker for a well done romance subplot and this game manages HUNDREDS OF THEM. It's really remarkable.

And best of all, it matters to gameplay. See, relationships only grow when you put people in battle next to each other. When that happens when they are near the other person their stats go up. When someone is with his or her spouse he or she is practically invincible. So I basically spend the first half of the game playing matchmaker and the other half undamaged.

Also, the tactician and each female character have children that show up to aid you in the game (time travel, it's complicated), and the child will have traits of the father, both physical and stat wise.

I'm sorry I'm gushing, but I only see three flaws with this game and they're so minor I feel petty mentioning them!

1) I'm not living up to the game's expectations.

Robin is supposed to be unto a GOD of tactics. You are Hannibal Smith in a wizard robe. You're supposed to be coming up with these INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED TACTICS in every battle.

You know what my one and only tactic is? Rush forward, hack with weapon. Preferably next to someone I'm boning.

2) The weapon triangle.

Fire Emblem became known for its unique weapon system. Characters with swords worked better against characters with axes, axes beat spears, spears beat swords.

In this title it's COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. You get maybe a one point negative for making the wrong match up, but that NEVER MATTERS. It's like pot laws in Los Angeles!

"You shouldn't do that! *wink*"

3. Emmeryn's Revival

Halfway through the game there is the most moving death scene I have ever seen in a work of fiction.

No joke. It is beautiful. A truly stunning look at self sacrifice for the greater good. A woman throws herself off a mountain to keep her country together. It's played just as seriously as it needs to be. While it may be overwrought, I don't notice.

Because this is the only time so far that a work of fiction has made me tear up.

BUT THEN!

After the game's plot skips two years, we get a side mission wherein she actually fell through a time warp and landed in the near future with no memory of who she is or how she got there. She's being attacked by brigands and at this point she can barely speak.

............

What.... the f$&k?

Why?! Why did you DO this?! Why is this here?! What the hell HAPPENED?! The time warp? Never explained. The memory loss? Never explained. The fact that she was the ruler of a nation but her brother took over after she died and now the throne should go back to her? Never addressed.

It is so POINTLESS. So out of place. It doesn't belong.

However, it's a side mission. A DLC side mission at that. I can choose not to play it and I ALWAYS do. What would have been a huge negative mark on the game is now only minor because I can skip it.

This game is a must buy. Absolutely essential for any 3DS library. This is probably one of the best, if not THE best original game for the system yet. It's got likable characters, awesome gameplay, an incredible story, and probably the smoothest graphics I've ever seen in a tactics game.

Well, that felt good! I'm in the mood for some more strategy, though.... Maybe strategy while also pleasing the most needy government in gaming, all of it mixed with constant hair-graying stress....

NEXT TIME: XCOM: ENEMY UNKNOWN

Oh God.... Until next time.

Castlevania, Lords of Shadow: Mirror of Fate

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Well, last year I had no cable, barely any Internet, and little to review.

This year I've seemed to fix all of those problems AND I am determined never to listen to Counting Crows again! Things are looking up!

Speaking of stuff to review, I received three games to review this Christmas! One of which I play as a angry Franco-Scots barbarian killing vampires with a spiky chain!

Because isn't that what Christmas is all about?

As silly as it sounds Castlevania has had a long and proud history since the late 80's. Telling the story of whip wielding vampire hunter Simon Belmont, Simon is sent to slay Dracula whose castle always rises from the ground next to some innocent village. And Dracula, not having anything better to do, is terrorizing the populous.

It was a good series. The only problem was that continuity was kind of a mess. This IS Capcom, where a sensible storyline is what happens to the Ace Attorney series and even then only most of the time, but Castlevania wasn't even pretending to try. The fourth game was a remake of the first game. Dracula's son got thrown into the mix. The castle got sucked into OUR dimension, it was insane. A reboot was needed, BADLY.

We finally got one with Castlevania: Lords of Shadow for the XBox 360. This focused on Gabriel Belmont, Simon's grandfather, as he battled the titular Lords of Shadow. These are big scary demon things that require you to rip off the gameplay aspects of God of War and Shadow of the Colossus.

You'd think that one of the Lords of Shadow would be Dracula, but actually you've been PLAYING as him the whole time. Between games Gabriel's exposure to the Lords of Shadow causes him to fall to darkness and become a vampire, taking the name Dracula (for some reason). HOWEVER a year earlier he had a son, Trevor, who was taken from his mother and hidden because this order of knights saw the Dracula thing coming due to a mirror they had that tells the future (for some reason), HE had a son, Simon, found out about his father and went to kick his ass. Trevor got his ass killed and Dracula sent werewolves to eat Simon and his Mom. Simon escaped but his mother got eaten, so he was raised by these Druids who- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So much for straightening the story out. The whole thing stinks of Capcom "storytelling." You spend half the game playing as Simon, half the game playing as Dracula's son Alucard (it doesn't get any funnier the more you think about it). You, reader who knows nothing about the game, already know Alucard's identity (if you FOLLOWED any of that), but the game treats it like it's this HUGE reveal. A "You-never-saw-this-coming, it's-a-cookbook" reveal. THIS IS NOT A TWIST. Any one who can come within three digits of adding two and two can figure this out!

And the voice acting.....

MOTHER OF GOD, THE VOICE ACTING.

I've never paid $16 to listen to Scotsmen be bored before, but I hope to never do so again. I honestly believed that all three Belmonts were voiced by the same Schmuck, but no! The credits revealed an untalented Scottish schmuck CONVENTION. Where do they FIND all these bozos? Is there just a village out side of Edinburgh where no one gives a damn? Did they call mayor MacPhone-in and his two identical triplet brothers to give their most feeble performance possible? The dialogue doesn't help, it was written by chimps. Unimaginative chimps who delegated this crap.

The thing is as present as all of these flaws are they don't make the game BAD, they make it hilarious. You see the gameplay is VERY good and I have three basic rules about entertainment.

Music will ALWAYS be more important than lyrics.

Dramatic sense is ALWAYS more important than logical sense.

Gameplay will always, ALWAYS be more important than story.

Of course there are limits to all of those rules (ESPECIALLY the the second one), but luckily the game never crosses that line. Oh, it gets CLOSE, but just close enough that I'm laughing the whole time. The story being laughably bad actually goes in the plus column for this game. Capcom are MASTERS of good game, bad storytelling, so I can't say I wasn't enjoying myself the whole time.

Any game where I can murder vampires and werewolves with a spiky chain and pretend that they're Twilight fans is always good for the fun times. The boss fights are suitably f$&ked up for the horror theme. The enemy design is always fun. I also really like the fact that we've moved back to a 2D perspective like classic Castlevania games.

The gameplay would get a perfect score if it weren't for the hideously broken QTEs and pathetic final boss fight.

For those of you who don't know what a QTE is, good you're a lucky man so far. QTEs (or Quick Time Events) are when they show you a cutscene, then a button flashes on the screen. Pressing the button continues the cutscene.

Except, you know, when it doesn't.

I'm only a man, Castlevania! I'm beginning to believe that you don't want me to TAP through the Y button as much as you want me to Vibrate through it like I'm BARRY F$&KING ALLEN.

And other than the fact that the final chapter should have been the second chapter and someone stapled the script together wrong, the final boss fight goes through an annoy Greg checklist.

Easily stunlocks you by brushing past you lightly? Check!

Attacks that do too much damage? Check!

Too much health? Check!

Interrupted by Sweet-god-kill-me-now Quick Time Events? Check!

And finally...

Hideous exploit that means the fight is no longer difficult but is going to take the better part of your college years? Check and check!

I can't even be mad at THAT though because it's saved by pure Capcom comedy.

Actual quote from Dracula to his son after he has dropped his ass sixty stories and now has a spiky iron cross jutting out of his sternum: "LIVE!"

This game barely passes with a recommendation. It's got its problems to be sure, but you are definitely having fun the whole time, and really that's all that matters.

Not really much strategy to it though. I need something to exercise my inner general. Something to show I'm a true tactician.

NEXT POST: FIRE EMBLEM: AWAKENING

*chomps on cigar* I love it when a plan comes together.