I'm BaaaAAAAAAAaaaaack!

So the last three months have been a living nightmare!

First thing that happened was that my Blogger app exploded. This blog comes to you strictly from an old IPhone. My countdown post was destroyed. There's a little postponement on that.

Which is all fine! Because I had no reasonable means to get Internet anyway

Yeah, due to weird circumstances I only had dial up Internet at my place.

Yes I DO realize it's not 1997, asshats!

I was also broke and had no car so I had to hike my ass up to a public library a quarter mile away to get a decent enough connection to do my blog

After eight months of this I no longer had shoes as much as I had swiss cheese with ambitions.

That's all fixed, though. I'm hooked up with a sweet Wifi connection, new kicks, and a pile of new games to crack into! Should have a new post up by tomorrow!

May bad games beware! The MCC is back in business

James Pond CODENAME: Robocod

I.... I don't know.

I just don't know.

What the hell am I supposed to DO with this freaking thing?!?!

This game is almost BEYOND review. You've read the title! You've never heard of this game! You know it's going to suck!

So what the hell was my brother thinking when he looked at the box, walked to a GameStop cashier, laid $15.35 on the counter and said "I would like to buy this."

$15.35! Money that could've been spent on food for the needy! Or children's hospitals!

But that didn't happen. No, instead he spent it on James Pond CODENAME: Robocod. A game which, if this intro didn't make it clear, isn't very good.

THIS GAME. IS NOT. VERY. GOOD.

My brother tells me that this game is based on a series of typing tutors from the mid to late 90's. He ALSO said that it's unfair to look at this game without looking at those first.

............

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I shouldn't be looking at the latest installment in the... The EPIC James Pond saga, without seeing what came before.

In this game you play as James Pond, a secret agent cyborg fish.

Excuse me for a moment.

.............. Okay...........

He is sent on assignment to save Santa Claus......

Okay this is gonna take me a while, sorry guys.

From a mad scientist whose evil plan is to tie all the elves to dynamite. James must go through Santa's workshop and free the elves while battling the mad scientist's evil twisted wind up toys.

Again, maybe my brother is right. Maybe in the first typing tutor James was two days away from retirement when the Mad Doctor blew up his house, severely wounding him and killing is wife and children.

Maybe the agency found him and gave him cybernetic enhancements, and he vowed to seek revenge upon Dr. Killjoy. Maybe this is the thrilling climax to a whirlwind adventure of thrills, chills and suspenseful espionage tactics.

BUT....

WHY DO I BET NOT?!?!

Why do I bet that playing the typing tutors will do NOTHING to enhance my enjoyment of this game? Why do I believe that nothing can enhance my enjoyment of this particular title save the fiery hand of GOD?

However I have said before that story is not as important as gameplay. I've played games where you are an immigrant plumber in a land of mushrooms trying to save a princess from Gamera. I've played games where you have to beat shadow creatures to death with a giant key with aid from Donald Duck.

So stow the story for now, how is the game part of the game?

...........

I have never played a more broken, frenetic, ungodly mess of a game.

Let's start with the pathetic attempts at movement physics. James appears to have liberally coated himself in butter because any slight nudge of the controls in either direction will send him flying in one direction or the other. Also if James moves down a 1° incline he will slide down the incline at 300 miles per hour and slam into a wall.

This will happen to you exactly 5000 times after it stops being funny.

Aha! James' cybernetic enhancements have not gone to waste however! James can extend his midriff to infinite lengths and cling to ceilings! Unless a flying enemy is in your way (and there always, ALWAYS is) in which case James snaps back to his waist like a rubberband.

You don't take damage when this happens, so all it does is stop the game dead.

The enemies are everywhere and silly looking. The boss fights are pathetic. The music is abysmal. The story isn't funny and it doesn't even have the excuse of teaching me how to type.

My final recommendation? No. A massive no. A two metric ton granite no carved into Everest. A no burned into the surface of the moon.

This game was evil. It made me want to commit evil deeds. Next post I shall surrender to my darker side.

NEXT POST: THE TOP TEN VIDEO GAME VILLAINS

Mwa ha ha ha! MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!

Pokémon Retrospective Part 1: Game History

First let me say that I'm sorry for the long absence but that should be over as of now.

Secondly let me tell you that there will be two differences to this post. First of all I will not be looking at a specific game, I will instead be taking you through the history of my favorite game SERIES, Pokémon.

Second of all, SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY READING! Maybe two people! Squee!

I have also been told my grammar sucks but GOD help me I'm trying! I hope I done did my grammar good.

But enough of this gay banter, let's start with depression!

In October of 1996, my father passed away.

I wasn't even three yet and I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew only three things. My mother was sad, my brother was angry, and my father was gone.

But I remember when things started to get better to the DAY. December 22nd 1996.

My grandparents had come up from Florida for Christmas. My Papou (grandfather) took me and my brother to the mall in Waterbury. We saw a movie, I can't remember which one, then as an early Christmas present he bought my brother two game boy games.

They were Pokémon Red Version, and Pokémon Blue Version.

To this day I can go right now and put my hand on those two cartridges. I've never lost them, and by god I lose EVERYTHING.

I've also owned every main series title after that, both versions. Pokémon isn't just a series I think is good. Pokémon is the series I have put more hours into than any other video game. I would estimate I have spent THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS, 504 straight hours of my life playing the first games alone.

Look around my house and you will find Pokémon coloring books, temporary tattoos, office supplies, figurines, trading cards, and a Jigglypuff pillow (I'm taking it to college).

Let's move on from me, let's move on to what this game series is ABOUT.

Well, to start off. My name is DeAndrea, most people call me the Pokémon Professor.

This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokémon. Some people breed them for work or play. Others use them for fights.

As for Myself, I study Pokémon games because I don't have a job.

What are Pokémon? Pokémon are animals with special abilities. They come in 649 different species. Pardon me, AT LEAST 649 different species (Every few years they add more, so the "at least" is kind of important).

Pokémon grow by fighting each other. As a Pokémon trainer you are tasked with the goal of making YOUR Pokémon the strongest in the world. You prove this by battling other trainers Pokémon with your own.

There are 17 "types" of Pokémon. These basically dictate the sort of abilities the Pokémon can learn. Each with advantages and disadvantages over other types (example: Fire beats Grass, Grass beats Water, Water beats Fire)

You have two Main goals in any Pokémon game. One is to complete the Pokédex, a comprehensive encyclopedia of all the different kinds of Pokémon. You do this by catching them.

Granted, this was much easier back when there were only 150 of the suckers. You didn't have to go to any conventions. You didn't have to trade more than one or two between games. You didn't have to (this is true) play while DRIVING.

The second, and far easier, goal is to defeat the Pokémon Champion and the Elite Four.

The Elite Four are the biggest badasses on the planet, the Champion is King Badass of Awesome Mountain.

To earn the right even to TRY this you need to take the POKÉMON GYM CHALLENGE! Scattered around the country there are "Pokémon Gyms," places where Pokémon trainers gather to toughen up. Each gym has a "Leader." This leader is the strongest trainer in the Gym and usually focuses on one type of Pokémon. Defeat this leader and he will give you a special Badge as a mark of proof that you have beaten him. You need to collect eight of these badges to even be allowed to TRY against the Elite Four.

Yes this is a game where you do, in fact, need Stinking Badges (Rimshot).

The first games introduce the world to us. You play as Red, a fresh faced 10 year old from Pallet Town. The Pokédex is given to you by Professor Oak. The worst scientist of all time.

The old bastard sends two ten year old boys, one of them his GRANDSON, out into a world filled with dangerous animals to do his research for him. Some of them breathe FIRE for god's sake!

Well he does give you the choice of a flower, lizard, or small turtle to protect you.

........

A hearty "Up Yours" from all of the fans of this series Oak.

Along the way you collect badges, catch Pokémon, and toughen up. Your progress is Impeded by two main antagonists.

One of them is your boyhood rival, Blue. His kind of obnoxious, but basically a decent guy. He seems to always be one step ahead of you. He always earns the badges first, always has more Pokémon than you, and by the time you get there HE is the Pokémon Champion.

The other is the sinister Giovanni.

Giovanni is the head of a criminal organization known as Team Rocket. They only have one goal in mind, use Pokémon to gain profit by any means necessary. Giovanni is cold, calculating and cruel. He is known, in a KIDS game, mind you, to have killed several people and Pokémon in cold blood.

His actions came to their climax a year before the game begins. The creation of Pokémon #150, Mewtwo.

Mew was thought to be the Pokémon from which all other Pokémon developed. After finding a fossil of Mew, Giovanni decided to revive it (reviving ancient Pokémon from fossils is well established in-universe), but he decided to make a few.... creative adjustments.

Thus we saw the birth of Mewtwo, the worlds most powerful Pokémon. Mewtwo promptly escaped the lab, burning it down in the process, and hid in a cave. You can in fact enter said cave and capture him, a laurel that has eluded me to this day.

Giovanni is one of my favorite video game villains of all time, and Mewtwo is still my favorite Pokémon.

Giovanni was so CALM. So NONCHALANT about all the terrible things he did. He didn't dress up his actions with pointless rhetoric, he was straight up EVIL. He had no grand agenda. He was GREEDY, and DAMN he made it look good!

On the other hand, what's with Nintendo and the Italians? Between Giovanni and Mario, they seem to think that all Italian Americans are either delightful immigrant serviceman or horribly evil gangsters! As just an Italian American who's a snarky writer with only TANGENTIAL mob ties, I take offense to that!

Anyhow, at the end of the game Giovanni escapes into the night, disbanding Team Rocket in the process.

You beat the Elite Four, beat blue, congratulations stalwart hero of the land.

I'm going to skip over the Gold/Silver/Crystal generation for the time being. I'm going to be talking about them in more detail next post.

The Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald generations are my least favorite so far. Mostly it's business as usual. Collect badges, catch the now 386 different Pokémon, become the best like no one ever was, blady blady blah. Where it falls down is in the villain department.

Your Rival is now your Love interest. A new addition in the Gold/Silver generation had been the chance to play as a female protagonist, your rival took the opposite gender you picked. That's all fine and good, but the character is sort of flat. Blue had PERSONALITY, even if he was obnoxious.

But the Teams....

OH GOD, THE TEAMS.

Remember when I talked about Giovanni, and how it was cool that he didn't mask his evil with pointless rhetoric? Well in generation three that went RIGHT out the window, and instead we got Team Aqua, and Team Magma.

Okay, let's see if I can explain this. After Team Rocket got its ass kicked AGAIN at the end of Gold/Silver, two former members Maxie and Archie, went off and formed their own criminal organizations. Maxie was a fan of Fire type Pokémon so he set out to create more land so they could thrive. Creating Team Magma. Similarly, ARCHIE, a water type fan, wanted to create more sea, and thus formed Team Aqua.

They are now locked in a vicious gang war.

Honestly, they pose no serious threat, their outfits are goofy at the best of times, and cold, calculating Giovanni is replaced by two, balding, uncharismatic, pudgy guys.

Their ultimate goal is to get their hands on a legendary Pokémon. Magma wants Groudon, said to have created the land, and Aqua wants Kyogre, rumored to have created the sea.

After you stop their boundless stupidity from ending the planet. It's back to business, Elite Four, Champion, Victory.

I hardly DISLIKE Ruby/Sapphire, I love them! There was a serious graphical update, some neat new gameplay ideas, and they introduced some of my favorite Pokémon! But the story side of things took a SERIOUS dive.

Then there was Diamond/Pearl where things got silly.

"Gotta Catch'em All!" became a pipe dream when the number of Pokémon increased to 493. Like I said earlier a friend of my brother's did it, but to do so he had to play whilst DRIVING. Furthermore some Pokémon you could only receive through special events and conventions. It's become a mess.

You got the ability to polish your Gym Badges, which I do obsessively. The gym leaders are often hilarious, but that's par for the course.

Your Rival this time around is Barry. His joke is that he is hasty. Constantly plowing into you, running everywhere he goes, talking a mile a minute etc..

Then there is Team Galactic. With similar, but GRANDER, goals than Aqua and Magma.

Team galactic wants to create new SPACE.

..........

Well we can't fault them for lack of ambition can we?

They plan to do this by summoning the Devil. Yes, the Devil. The Devil is a Pokémon, his name's Giratina. So's God. God is a Pokémon too, his name's Arceus. This isn't hinted at or implied, they say it. Often. Giratina's the Devil. Arceus is God. These are games where you can CAPTURE AND TRAIN GOD.

Do you understand why I love this series yet?

This game's story falls into "So Bad It's Good" territory for me. Galactic is so BEAUTIFULLY over the top. They all have blue hair, they dress up in Star Fleet uniforms, it's hilarious.

The story becomes GOOD again with Black/White and Team Plasma.

They actually tried to shake up the formula this time around with decent results. You still have the same BASIC goals, Badges, Pokédex, etc., but the characters play a much larger role in the plot, particularly the Gym Leaders.

Team Plasma has an agenda, but actually a rather provocative one for the series.

Team Plasma wants all Trainers to release their Pokémon. They claim that we are using the Pokémon against their will, making them fight for our own amusement.

I actually really like this schtick. It had been a joke for a long time, and PETA had protested, Arceus help us, that the whole thing was morally icky, sending animals to fight each other for a contest. Why was it morally okay in the game when similar actions in the real world would get you arrested.

Black/White addressed that issue and explained the difference. You are not sending your Pokémon to fight, you and your Pokémon fight TOGETHER. Losing tires YOU out, victory makes YOU stronger. BOTH of you have skin in the game.

The final twist of the game is that the second in command is using the head of Team Plasma, a young, idealistic kid, and the Agenda for his own profit.

I really love this generation of the series. It was smart and well thought out. It made you think, and I like it when a game does that.

Ah, but this was only my SECOND favorite Pokémon generation.

Come back next time, when we look at my favorite Pokémon games, and what turned me from Geek to Gamer.

NEXT TIME: POKÉMON SOULSILVER VERSION.

Pokémon Retrospective Part 2: Pokémon SoulSilver Version

Pray for me, dear readers. I want a job at Rite Aid.

You see this blog doesn't pay anything and money isn't as much scarce as it is near nonexistent. So I've applied for a job at my local Rite Aid, and perhaps if I leap through a ring of FIRE they'll finally freaking hire me.

I've filled out a written application, I've spoken to the manager, I've filled out an ONLINE application, I've made my way through the labyrinth, and narfled the Garfok. I think I've finally convinced them I won't nick KitKats when they're not looking.

But you didn't come to hear about that! You came to hear about one of my favorite video games of all time!

.... Well the remake, same difference.

On Christmas Eve, 1999 my brother and I were wide awake with the door to our room open.

Our Mom and grandparents were downstairs wrapping presents, and Papou, God rest his saintly soul, was loud. The thunder of god had nothing on that man sneezing.

We had our mental Christmas list in our heads and we listened to my Grandfather loudly read it off in full.

"LEGEND OF ZELDA?!"

Majora's Mask. Matt was 1 for 1 so far.

"SOMETHING SMASH BROTHERS?! CRAP WHERE'RE MY GLASSES?!"

Super Smash Brothers, bullseye, I was now one for one.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THE NEW GAME BOYS?!"

The Game Boy Colors, we were each two for two.

And than he said it.

"UHH... POKE-MON? I DUNNO ONE OF'EM HAS A BIG CHICKEN ON IT AND ONE OF'EM HAS SOME KIND A DRAGON, ORANIA HAVE YOU SEEN MY READING GLASSES?"

Pokémon Gold and Pokémon Silver, three for three, victory was ours.

That vacation was all about Pokémon, I spent it playing Silver, watching the show, and MARATHONING Pokémon: The First Movie. God my mom got tired of it!

Some of you who know nothing about this series might be confused at the mention of "Versions" last time. Allow me to explain.

Each Pokémon game comes in two versions (E.G. Red and Blue). These versions will be the same game, but with slight differences. For example some Pokémon are only available in one version and not the other. Also, a few years later they release a THIRD version (E.G. Yellow), with slight tweaks on the story and sequence of events.

So this is technically the two SECOND Pokémon games, not the fourth and fifth.

Also it should be made clear that this is a remake. Every so often they take old generations, give them a fresh coat of paint, and release them again.

I am reviewing the remake today.

One more thing I should cover before getting into the review proper: regions.

Each.... Call it "Generation"..... of Pokémon games takes place in a new Region of one interconnected country. The FIRST games (Red/Blue) took place in the Kanto region, this one takes place in the Johto Region.

Speaking of which, meet Ethan! (Lyra if you're a girl)

Ethan is a kid from New Bark Town. He heard the news three years ago that a kid from a small town had defeated Team Rocket and rose to become the Champion.

History tends to repeat itself.

Over and over again, you see these games tended to have the same plot until generation five shook up the formula. The reason I like THESE games more than any other so far boils down to one word. Legacy.

The other games feel cut off from the games before and after. Continuity is made more as a passing mention to other characters about other regions, Oak will make an appearance now and again, but nothing SOLID.

In THIS game however the previous games had a DIRECT EFFECT on the story of this one. Particularly our old buddies Team Rocket!

After the final confrontation with Giovanni, the Rockets disbanded and Giovanni went into hiding. His one final gambit was the Silver Initiative.

Okay, it's not called that in-game, I just call it that because I'm a nerd.

The Silver Initiative instructed his top executives to continue activities in the Johto Region, and when they managed to regain their former strength to contact him by hijacking a radio station in Goldenrod City and broadcasting Team Rocket's triumphant return.

While Giovanni himself is Sir Not Appearing In This Game, his role is filled very nicely by Archer, his former number 2. Unlike his predecessor Archer stays mostly in the shadows, you only meet him near the end of the game. You get the feeling that he's not as badass as Giovanni YET, but he's getting there.

Also when I said "end of the game," that was a lie, it was more like three quarters in. All Pokémon games have significant PGC (Post Game Content), some Pokémon you can find only after you become Champion, oftentimes you can challenge the Elite Four AGAIN, this time powered up, etc.

This game tops ALL of that. After you become champion you get on a boat to the Kanto Region, Nine new cities, eight new badges, and the true Pokémon Master.

There is a humorous encounter with a Rocket Grunt who is unaware that the team has disbanded.

You meet up with Blue, who has become a Gym Leader, and a complete hardass.

You get some clues as to where Giovanni disappeared to.

Finally you meet the true final boss of the game. Pokémon Champion Red.

The first game was supposed to take place over the course of eight years (these games added a real-time day/night system that screwed THAT in the ear) and three years have taken place in between games.

He was ten at the start of the adventure. Those math savvy of you have already placed him at legal drinking age. Which perhaps explains why he is sitting on top of a glacier at the end of a long cave system in nothing but jeans and a sports jacket staring at the middle distance saying nothing.

As silly is this is, it's still pretty damn awesome. You've earned your bones in this world by this point. It's the clash of two TITANS on a mountaintop! It's hailing the whole time! Lightning is crackling in the sky! You're surrounded by bursts of flame! Vines are shooting up violently from the ground! It's the ultimate test of manhood! The kind of thing that you put on Metal in the background for! You're gripping onto the DS until your knuckles are WHITE! Finally when his last Pokémon falls you're SCREAMING at the screen! YEAH! YEAH! WHO'S THE MASTER NOW?! WHO'S THE MAN?! WHO'S THE MAN?! I CAN'T BE STOPPED!! I! CAN! NOT! BE! STOPPED!

*pant...pant* Hoo boy.... I gotta get out more.

I honestly thought that this was going to become the standard. Challenging the protagonist of a previous game is always awesome, and god help us I wanted to teach the Ruby/Sapphire protagonist to get a better haircut.

In all seriousness, the remake holds up to the original really well. These games and the way they work make occasional remakes almost necessary, otherwise completing the Pokédex is nigh impossible.

It was forty bucks when I got it, and that was two years ago! So let's go on Amazon and check out how much it has dro--SEVENTY FIVE BUCKS?!?!

So in conclusion I wouldn't purchase this game just yet. Unless you're reading this on your private island... Or you're insane.

We'll go back to regular reviews next week, but hopefully I can continue the retrospective in October. Why?

On October 13 of this year Generation Six, Pokémon X Version and Pokémon Y Version, will be hitting the shelves. This will be Pokémon's first leap into a 3D perspective. This will go one of two ways.

The "Ocarina of Time" route. I.E. This game changes the series, and perhaps gaming as a whole, forever.

Or the "Earthworm Jim 64" route. I.E. This game not only kills the series but the body is so disfigured it has to be identified with dental records.

So pray for Pokémon, and pray for me. I'd like to be employed soon.

NEXT TIME: JAMES POND: CODENAME ROBOCOD

...... Like I said, please pray for me.