We all know Angry Birds
We all know Fruit Ninja
We all know Cut The Rope.
We ALSO download a lot of useless free app games that took less time to develop than it does to make a Hot Pocket.
I have downloaded a TON of these games, and their quality varies from title to title. This review is dedicated to the six free games that have had the biggest impact on me. So, what're we waiting for? Let's get started with....
DOODLE TRUCK
You play as a delivery truck that delivers crates to all the demons in the bowels of HELL. At least that's what I assume is going on. Whoever you work for has sent you on a road that has massive gaps, mountains, and jumps.
Not to mention your truck is a pile of crap. First of all the truck bed is WIDE open. So if you go at a speed of "Moving per hour" your cargo gleefully flies out of the back of the truck! Go unmarked crates possibly containing narcotics! You're free! FREE!
Also your boss has put Nitro Glycerine in the engine, the doors, the trunk, and the wheels. ANYTHING THAT TOUCHES YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR TRUCK. A lovable kitten could rub its tiny head against one of your tires:
"Hello Mr. Truck! I'm Mittens! Will you be my fr----"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
He can't finish his sentence because the truck detonated and sent him sailing through the air. (Don't worry, the kitten I just made up is fine. He landed in an old lady's purse and now spends his time playing with her grandchildren.)
DOORS
To my UTTER disappointment you do not play as Jim Morrison as he shoots up, abandons his friends and destroys his life. No instead you are trapped in a house that has obviously been designed by The Riddler.
There are 50 doors, each one has a puzzle to open it. The difficulty varies between door. Some of them are rather easy to figure out... Some of them.....
Some of them are door 16.
I entered room 16 to discover a man passed out on the floor. Being the considerate gentleman that I am, I stepped RIGHT over his body and made my way to the door, of course it was locked. I tried every item I had on me, no dice.
So I turned back to the man on the floor. I poked him. He grunted at me. I tried using my items. Nothing. I shook my iPhone. Squat. I sacrificed a chicken under a blood moon at midnight, NOTHING WOULD FREAKING WORK.
In frustration I slammed the phone face down on the couch, and heard the door unlock.
I hurriedly picked the phone, only to discover that the door had locked on me again.
It took me a minute for me to realize that the iPhone, like the Amazing Unconscious Man, had to be FACE DOWN. I ended up having to lean back like I had the worlds worst nosebleed.
STICKMAN CLIFF DIVING
You are a stick figure Cliff Diver. You are given a trick to do. Successfully pull off said trick and the judges will not give you enough points because god hates you.
You could do seven backflips, eight frontflips, solve world hunger, cure all the world's diseases, marry a beautiful blonde girl, and have her give birth to the second coming of CHRIST, all on the way down, then hit the water at a PERFECT 45 degree angle. You will STILL be twelve points short on completing the level.
Eventually you are just making the Stickman bellyflop into the water from 100 feet up and laughing as he powderizes his sternum.
BIKE RACE
Like Doodle Truck I think this one takes place in hell…
You are a motocross bike racer. You have a track suspended in the air. Your Goal? Reach the end without dying.
........
Yeah, you race no one, the title is a complete misnomer.
Out of the six, this is the one I play most. MOSTLY because it frustrates me to the point of madness.
You are going to die, you'll die a lot, and boy is it the most humorous way possible. First of all the Motorcycle's body completely disintegrates. Gone. No where to be seen. Along with the rider. In it's place is just a cartoony puff of orange smoke. I think that's because Satan has transported the rider to The Chamber of the Horny, Intrusive Gorilla for failing the test.
"Wait MCC," you are asking, "What about the wheels?"
I'm glad you asked! The wheels, celebrating their new freedom, spin merrily away in separate directions. If you listen close, you can hear them sing 1800s Slave Spirituals!
APPLE SHOOTING
Not much to talk about here. You are.... Some kind of bastard child of Crocodile Dundee and Marlon Brando, and you try to shoot an apple of the head of someone who looks like Judas Iscariot.
That, along with the background of a single tree in a sea of blackness, makes me, again, believe I'm getting a Divine Comedy style tour of the land of nightmares and hopelessness.
Eventually you will get bored of shooting the apple and you'll try to kill Judas in the most entertaining way possible. I'm not sure if this is a glitch, but one time I shot him through the nose and he began spazing out.
Ha ha ha...... I'm a terrible person
HACK RUN
HEY KIDS! You want some extreme action?!? Play HACK RUN!!!! The latest iPhone game from "Who Gives A Flyer?"
Hack into an office building!!!!
EXTREME!!!!!!
Research their business deals!!!!
EXTREME!!!!
Stare at text all day!!!!!!
EXTREME!!!!!!!
Wonder what carpet tastes like!!!!!
EXTREME!!!!!!
Hey kids! KIDS!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!
So that's my look at Free IPhone games. My recommendation? SHELL OUT THE DOLLAR FOR FRUIT NINJA.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Donkey Kong Country: Returns
NINTENDO MONTH: PART 4 OF 4
Before Metroid.
Before Zelda.
Even before the Mario Bros.
There was......
DONKEY KONG! Yes, I'm not sure and I don't feel like doing research, but I'm fairly sure that Donkey Kong was the first Nintendo game to hit the local arcade. You play as Mario (Then known as JumpMan) and you climb up a skyscraper under construction to rescue your girl from the Escaped Ape himself. Your path is made rougher by Donkey Kong's seemingly infinite supply of barrels.
Seriously! Where in hell was he GETTING all the barrels?!? You only see four stacked next to him, but the stack NEVER GETS SMALLER. Let's forget all the random bouncing CAR JACKS he conjures from his ass in the third level, NONE OF WHICH you see!!!
Whatever, it was still great, and so was Donkey Kong Country released for the super Nintendo. DK took the role of the hero this time. Along with his nephew and sidekick Diddy (you will never be "Diddy" to ME Sean Combes). They banded together to fight the evil Kremlings (Get it? It was the early nineties!) and their evil boss King K. Rool. It was a sidescroller and a very good one. It also introduced us to other Kongs, like Dixie, Cranky, Funky, Wrinkly and Candy.
However my introduction to the King of Swing, was Donkey Kong 64.
Donkey Kong 64 was the game that CAME with the N64. It remains one of my favorite video games of all time. Placing DK into a full three dimensional world, through insane trials, and against challenging bosses. This game was part of a push to put some Nintendo titles into a 3D perspective and, like Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time or Super Mario 64, It was a HUGE success!
So obviously, there has yet to be another game in this style.
.................
WHAT. THE. HELL?! Why? Why not?!? Was I the only kid to ever like the game? Every one else I knew with an N64 had a copy! They liked it too! STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS! WHY HAS THERE BEEN NO SEQUEL?!? WHY IS THERE NO NEWS ON A DK GAME FOR 3DS?!? HOW MUCH IS THE WII U GOING TO COST?!? DO THE TABLETS CHARGE OR TAKE AAS?!? WHEN IS THE NEW SMASH BROS. COMING OUT?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH---
**Editors Note**
We apologize for the previous outburst. We hope that it did not impede your enjoyment of the review. We have given the reviewer his anger medication and we now return you to the review.
*****************
So I sat down with Spunky, the talking purple Monkey-Elephant-Zebra, and popped in Donkey Kong Country returns.
Like its namesake it's a sidescroller. Move to the left and jump on anything that dislikes you. NONE of what you fight are the alligator men of tradition The Kremlings. Instead we fight some weird kind of Tiki Monster. The boss fights are pretty standard. A lot of fun though.
Some of the levels are UNGODLY. I am reminded of one in particular that almost made me eat my Wiimote. It's on the second level set and you are constantly being chased by a VERY perturbed giant octopus. I game overed when I started the level with FIFTY LIVES.
All in all a decent game. I just wish they would make a sequel to 64 those RATHUMPING BASTARDS!!! KILL!! KILLLL!!!
******** Editors Note *********
We have once again restrained Mr. DeAndrea. He would like to thank you for joining him for Nintendo Month. Be sure to join him next week.
********************
I like Jello pudding pops!
Before Metroid.
Before Zelda.
Even before the Mario Bros.
There was......
DONKEY KONG! Yes, I'm not sure and I don't feel like doing research, but I'm fairly sure that Donkey Kong was the first Nintendo game to hit the local arcade. You play as Mario (Then known as JumpMan) and you climb up a skyscraper under construction to rescue your girl from the Escaped Ape himself. Your path is made rougher by Donkey Kong's seemingly infinite supply of barrels.
Seriously! Where in hell was he GETTING all the barrels?!? You only see four stacked next to him, but the stack NEVER GETS SMALLER. Let's forget all the random bouncing CAR JACKS he conjures from his ass in the third level, NONE OF WHICH you see!!!
Whatever, it was still great, and so was Donkey Kong Country released for the super Nintendo. DK took the role of the hero this time. Along with his nephew and sidekick Diddy (you will never be "Diddy" to ME Sean Combes). They banded together to fight the evil Kremlings (Get it? It was the early nineties!) and their evil boss King K. Rool. It was a sidescroller and a very good one. It also introduced us to other Kongs, like Dixie, Cranky, Funky, Wrinkly and Candy.
However my introduction to the King of Swing, was Donkey Kong 64.
Donkey Kong 64 was the game that CAME with the N64. It remains one of my favorite video games of all time. Placing DK into a full three dimensional world, through insane trials, and against challenging bosses. This game was part of a push to put some Nintendo titles into a 3D perspective and, like Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time or Super Mario 64, It was a HUGE success!
So obviously, there has yet to be another game in this style.
.................
WHAT. THE. HELL?! Why? Why not?!? Was I the only kid to ever like the game? Every one else I knew with an N64 had a copy! They liked it too! STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS! WHY HAS THERE BEEN NO SEQUEL?!? WHY IS THERE NO NEWS ON A DK GAME FOR 3DS?!? HOW MUCH IS THE WII U GOING TO COST?!? DO THE TABLETS CHARGE OR TAKE AAS?!? WHEN IS THE NEW SMASH BROS. COMING OUT?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH---
**Editors Note**
We apologize for the previous outburst. We hope that it did not impede your enjoyment of the review. We have given the reviewer his anger medication and we now return you to the review.
*****************
So I sat down with Spunky, the talking purple Monkey-Elephant-Zebra, and popped in Donkey Kong Country returns.
Like its namesake it's a sidescroller. Move to the left and jump on anything that dislikes you. NONE of what you fight are the alligator men of tradition The Kremlings. Instead we fight some weird kind of Tiki Monster. The boss fights are pretty standard. A lot of fun though.
Some of the levels are UNGODLY. I am reminded of one in particular that almost made me eat my Wiimote. It's on the second level set and you are constantly being chased by a VERY perturbed giant octopus. I game overed when I started the level with FIFTY LIVES.
All in all a decent game. I just wish they would make a sequel to 64 those RATHUMPING BASTARDS!!! KILL!! KILLLL!!!
******** Editors Note *********
We have once again restrained Mr. DeAndrea. He would like to thank you for joining him for Nintendo Month. Be sure to join him next week.
********************
I like Jello pudding pops!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Star Fox 64 3D
NINTENDO MONTH PART 3 OF 4
Star Fox 64 was one of the four games I got this christmas, along with my 3DS. It was also my FAVORITE GAME OF ALL TIME back in 1999 when it came out for the Nintendo 64. However, will this remake hold up to it's original?!?
..........
Well yes, actually. Though with growing up, my innocence slowly being chipped away, I've noticed flaws in the game in GENERAL.
As I said last month, I have actually FINISHED this one. In fact, since I've owned it, I've beaten this game TEN TIMES. Mostly because, even THIRTEEN YEARS LATER, I still have half the levels memorized. It's MUSCLE MEMORY by now.
This game is a "flight simulator" in the same way that Street Fighter is an exercise program. It's a jet game. You fly around, and shoot anything that you see with lasers. It's a lot of fun, perfect the way it was thirteen years ago. The 3D is even workable enough to enjoy.
BUT THEN....
The game asked me if I wanted to turn on gyro controls, wherein you tilt the system to steer your space plane.
Now here's my question. Why does a game have a 3D feature that requires the system to be STILL AS THE GRAVE, but also MOTION CONTROLS?!?
You will NEVER use the gyro, EVER for ANY game, but they will keep asking you, to the point where you want to knock on Shigreyu Miamoto's door with a megaphone and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
The story is pretty simple, if a little strange. You are Val Kilmer from Top Gun, but a fox. You team up with a falcon, a rabbit, and a toad to capture a criminal, mad scientist, space monkey.
The plot jumps the shark (yes after THAT PREMISE) when you MEET Andross (Aforementioned space monkey) and it turns out he is a giant head and two hands. (Incoming message from the big giant head.) After THAT he has a second form where he becomes a giant brain and two eyeballs that shoot lasers. (Actual quote: "Only I have the brains to rule the galaxy!")
There is however one, single, aspect of this game that I CANNOT stand.
Not the voice acting, which is atrocious.
Not the dialogue, which is laughable.
Not even the lack of online play.
It's the God. Damn. LANDMASTER.
The Landmaster is a tank that is used in some levels instead of your space plane. The steering mechanism is very unique, THERE ISN'T ONE. So expect to crash a LOT. It can "jump" in the same way that Rush Limbaugh can. It will in fact catch some air, but not very much, and when it hits the ground it will probably break something.
Every level that has this is a complete drag on the game. I have only beaten the game by avoiding these levels as if they were LEPERS.
All in all however, a good game. It's got the "Easy to learn, hard to master" aspect down. I think my MOM could get this game down. If I could get her to play.
I am THREE WEEKS into Nintendo Month, and I HAVEN'T DONE A CLASSIC SIDESCROLLER YET. I am slacking! I need what is essentially a remake of an SNES game!
NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!
Oh, disembodied voice of James Earl Jones who lives in my brain, you know me so well.
Star Fox 64 was one of the four games I got this christmas, along with my 3DS. It was also my FAVORITE GAME OF ALL TIME back in 1999 when it came out for the Nintendo 64. However, will this remake hold up to it's original?!?
..........
Well yes, actually. Though with growing up, my innocence slowly being chipped away, I've noticed flaws in the game in GENERAL.
As I said last month, I have actually FINISHED this one. In fact, since I've owned it, I've beaten this game TEN TIMES. Mostly because, even THIRTEEN YEARS LATER, I still have half the levels memorized. It's MUSCLE MEMORY by now.
This game is a "flight simulator" in the same way that Street Fighter is an exercise program. It's a jet game. You fly around, and shoot anything that you see with lasers. It's a lot of fun, perfect the way it was thirteen years ago. The 3D is even workable enough to enjoy.
BUT THEN....
The game asked me if I wanted to turn on gyro controls, wherein you tilt the system to steer your space plane.
Now here's my question. Why does a game have a 3D feature that requires the system to be STILL AS THE GRAVE, but also MOTION CONTROLS?!?
You will NEVER use the gyro, EVER for ANY game, but they will keep asking you, to the point where you want to knock on Shigreyu Miamoto's door with a megaphone and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
The story is pretty simple, if a little strange. You are Val Kilmer from Top Gun, but a fox. You team up with a falcon, a rabbit, and a toad to capture a criminal, mad scientist, space monkey.
The plot jumps the shark (yes after THAT PREMISE) when you MEET Andross (Aforementioned space monkey) and it turns out he is a giant head and two hands. (Incoming message from the big giant head.) After THAT he has a second form where he becomes a giant brain and two eyeballs that shoot lasers. (Actual quote: "Only I have the brains to rule the galaxy!")
There is however one, single, aspect of this game that I CANNOT stand.
Not the voice acting, which is atrocious.
Not the dialogue, which is laughable.
Not even the lack of online play.
It's the God. Damn. LANDMASTER.
The Landmaster is a tank that is used in some levels instead of your space plane. The steering mechanism is very unique, THERE ISN'T ONE. So expect to crash a LOT. It can "jump" in the same way that Rush Limbaugh can. It will in fact catch some air, but not very much, and when it hits the ground it will probably break something.
Every level that has this is a complete drag on the game. I have only beaten the game by avoiding these levels as if they were LEPERS.
All in all however, a good game. It's got the "Easy to learn, hard to master" aspect down. I think my MOM could get this game down. If I could get her to play.
I am THREE WEEKS into Nintendo Month, and I HAVEN'T DONE A CLASSIC SIDESCROLLER YET. I am slacking! I need what is essentially a remake of an SNES game!
NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!
Oh, disembodied voice of James Earl Jones who lives in my brain, you know me so well.
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