Dust

Hello all! And happy thanksgiving! During this festive season I would like to give thanks to independent gaming. With constant remakes and sequels, plaguing video game shelves it's hard not to think that gaming industry bigwigs are worthless parasites less scrupulous than Fehrengi, who only survive off of profit but have no clue as to how to earn more.

So thank you XBox Live Arcade for games like Dust made by companies run out of someone's basement. Thus keeping the industry a little more original and me a little more snobby!

Well not quite, I cannot, as my critical senses would allow me, to call this game better than most of the mainstream titles I've played, or even particularly that GOOD.

We have gotten to the question back in my Metroid: Other M review. Is it story or gameplay that makes a game good. I always stick with gameplay and while the story is very well written, the characters are likable, and the dialogue is solid, I would rather watch someone ELSE play it than do it myself.

Taking place in a world of anthropomorphic animals, you are a cat named Dust with a case of amnesia, and a rocking samurai sunhat. You are given a magic talking sword and a fox-pixie (or "Nimbat") decides to help you on your quest to fill in the missing links in your memory.

Now when you heard "Fairly like assist character that helps a main hero with a magic sword and funny hat" you all thought of Navi, from Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and there is now a you-shaped hole in the wall as you sprint for the hills to live out your life as a turnip farmer.

However I have apparently entered the Star Trek Mirror-verse because she is by far the best character in the game. Her light and happy attitude serves well to keep Dust's angst under control, god knows the gloomy bastard needs it. She looks adorable, has an adorable voice.....

And she helps in the repetitive and boring as spit combat.

This game claims to be an RPG and I reject that. It requires absolutely no strategy at all. It is merely a sidescroller hack and slash with no direction and an upgrade system that's completely useless.

I have played on ALL THREE DIFFICULTIES. The ONLY difference between them is the size of the enemy hoards. To hurt them, smack them in the face, to stunlock them, smack them in the face, to fight bigger monsters, parry their attack, THEN smack them in the face.

Over and over and over and over and over and over AGAIN. I spent 45 MINUTES doing NOTHING but face smacking. There is a special move where you whip the sword around while the pixie shoots magic sparkles that get made into a tornado, but it is usually useless, and it leaves you vulnerable from behind.

Oh I'm sorry, you will have to use it to solve puzzles while you are going on the SEVERAL BILLION FETCH AND RESCUE QUESTS YOU WILL HAVE TO GO ON!!

It's really amazing, there is ALWAYS some idiot villager who lost his fathers pocketwatch at SpikyDeathMonster Junction or (and this is a real one) TOLD A CHILD TO DO HIS LAUNDRY IN MONSTER INFESTED WOODS AND LEFT HIS ASS THERE, and it is (of course) up to YOU to pull their ass out of the fire, because with the lost memory, swarming monsters, AND an oppressive and racially prejudiced empire on the prowl, it's not like there is anything more IMPORTANT you could be handling.

So yeah, as a video game Dust is a really good.... TV show. Watch it with a friend who's willing to press buttons to make f*ck all happen.

Next time, I enter into the wonderful world of Top Hats, Intellect, and insane puzzle obsessed British people.

Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies

Hello all! I know it's been a while but I had to go vote! For the first time ever! Woot!

This election was SO significant too! Two years ago the democrats had the senate, the republicans had the house and Barack Obama was in the white house!

NOW.... The democrats who have the senate, the republicans have the house, and Barack Obama is in the white house!

.................

To quote the immortal Phil Hartman "If you ask me this entire operation has been one big Wank-A-Thon."

Another reason I haven't been blogging is that I've been playing the game I'm reviewing today, which should give my readers a clue to it's LENGTH if not it's quality.

My history with series is limited, I watched my brother play the last installment "Journey of the Cursed King" up until he got up to this massive glowing falcon from another dimension and then he rage quit.

........ These games are weird.

Actually this game seems to be trying to break the oppressive rule of the madness goblin by making the main plotline very loose. You are a Celestrian, a guardian angel who is tasked to do good deeds to all the people you meet. In return Nine (my name for my main character) receives a material known as benevolessence which he offers up to Ygdrassil the world tree daily.

The day of reckoning finally arrives when the world tree starts to bear fruit (as prophesied) and makes the kingdom of angels explode. (which was not)

You are flung to the earth below and made mortal, to investigate what happened, the possible betrayal of the Almighty, and the strange effects of the mysterious "Fyggs"

Now, you probably just heard "turn based JRPG where the villain may or may not be a false and selfish god" and thought of Final Fantasy X and have locked yourself in the pantry so no one gets hurt this time, but trust me when I say it will be fine. Mostly because the hero doesn't talk.

That's not all, either. You see this game works like Final Fantasy 1 in which you hire party members of different classes to assist on your journey. Or if you're like me you can fully create and customize your own ragtag group of quirky but effective adventurers with only the personality and backstory that you GIVE them.

MY cast of a Joss Whedon primetime fantasy series is:

NINE: The main hero. Though normally happy-go-lucky (and somewhat of a dope), he can't help but feel he and his people have been betrayed, but the other Celestrians don't seem to see it....

SHARONA: Cleric in training, she met nine in an old abandoned temple researching discarded runes. Nine and her soon became fast friends after she stopped threatening him with a stick of bamboo.

Sahmjaii: The Nomad Mage met Nine on the road. His unfamiliar garments caused Nine to attack out of sudden panic at which point Sam turned Nine into a lemur. Calming down Nine asked for his company on the journey.

Michael: The gentleman thief tried to hold up our heroes at knife point but gave up after Sharona put him through a tree. Some time later he saved the team from a vicious Skeleton with a well placed knife to the spine. He agreed to join, if, and only if, he was assured proper payment.

See? This is a lot of fun! You are more in control of the characters because you WRITE them as you go along! Some people may look upon that as a negative, if you do you are the kind of uncreative spod who liked the Mass Effect 3 endings, OR the original Little Shop of Horrors ending, mostly out of a lack of sense for Logic, Tone, and general story structure.

Sorry, sorry, that wasn't fair of me. It's just MY kind of thing, that's all. Also I do get why a lot of people like the original Little Shop ending, you're still WRONG but I get WHY...

As for ME3 if you thought those endings were good storytelling you are an orangutan mutant from the Planet Stupid, plain and simple.

I'm getting off topic. All in all, a must buy. Good story, good gameplay, GREAT customization and atmosphere, it's just an all around fun experience.


Next time, an indie game! I get to put on my snobbery hat! Hooray indie gaming snobbiness! Until next time, ashes to ashes everybody!!

Perfect Dark

Be afraid...

Be VERY afraid.

Not because the game is BAD... It's really not. It's just that if I am reviewing a first person shooter you can bet your ass you can't count on me, my opinion will be tainted by how much I suck at them.

I am TERRIBLE at these games! I keep forgetting that you don't turn with the same stick you move with, and than a guy 2 feet behind me flicks pebbles at me as I merrily sidestep around the terrorist compound.

So when I say that I like THIS kind of shooter better that things like Halo or Call of Duty it means absolutely nothing, just that THIS games plot and atmosphere got me past that particular mental defect.

Now, I know this game originally came for the N64, but it has been rereleased for the XBox Live Arcade, so I'm counting it as a modern generation game, which brings me to my first criticism. Boy this current generation game has terrible graphics! What do they think this is the N64?!

This is the kind of shooter where there are 65 BILLION TRILLION guns, all of them completely loopy. There are guns that shoot bullets, guns that shoot lasers, guns that shoot explosives, guns that shoot a missile with a little camera in it that can be guided into an enemies nostril.....

And one gun that has a whirring grinder on the front and fires 65 billion tiny pellets of condensed DIE, while you can run up and hack people to death with the Grinder.

In game it is called, "The Reaper". I call it "Sweetness" or "My fiancée."

The plot is as if a James Bond film had lost all sense of control. You play as sexy secret agent Joanna Dark, who I like a lot better than Samus. Mostly because Joanna Dark has a character. It's Pierce Brosnan's James Bond, but it's still a likable character.

There's more than that to her though. She always gives off the impression that she honestly can't believe she's survived this long. She's also usually seems slightly irritated by everything, but just enough to make it funny and not grindingly annoying.

When I say "Bond Movie that lost all sense of control" I mean you start off infiltrating an evil Corporation, in that office building you rescue a computer that's learned how to love, and six missions later you are infiltrating Area 51 to save an alien informant. Then you find out that the Evil corporation is working for killer space lizards.

I swear to god, it NEVER jumps the shark. I am DEAD serious. It all flows together. You never feel the flow break. Area 51, Space Lizards and all.

I resolve to find a flaw in every game I review, so let me take you back to the guns for a moment. This game has the very worst sniper rifle in all of shooters. I want a slight zoom to better hit my target not to be able to count all the skin cells on the bridge of my targets nose. Because at that point I'm usually a great threat to a patch of sand while the guards kill the person I'm supposed protect.

It's about $15 on the XBLA and it's definitely worth the price. I mentioned last time it was an old favorite of my brother's and I can see why. It's fun, exciting and has a female protagonist who is well developed and REALLY likable. Pick it up if you've got a chance.

Next time we take a break from the sane world of Area 51, a female James Bond, and hostile Space Lizards, and dive back into the howler monkey cage that is JRPG territory.

Metroid: Other M

This game can tell you a lot about a game critic. It really depends on how they put their opinion, either the game is only okay because the gameplay is alright or it's only ok because the story is absolute wank.

It really tells you weather it is gameplay or story that's more important to them. It has always been MY opinion that as long as I'm having FUN, I can deal with terrible characters and forgotten plotlines, that is why it is called a GAME after all...

So let me conclude this introduction by saying that Metroid Other M is kind of crap.

Let's start with my cherished gameplay, it's competently run for the most part. So it basically moves Metroid's classic 2D run and gunning and moves it to 3D rather sloppily. Every movement feels off, every shot delayed, the climbing mechanic fells weird, but all of that COULD be my hardware and not a fault of the actual GAME (though I doubt it).

What IS a fault of the game is the missiles.

You have to switch from a third person perspective to a first person perspective to fire them. Which, on it's own, feels about as natural as a styrofoam Twinkie , but it also aims by pointing the controller at the screen.

Do me a favor, get a bar of soap. Put the soap under warm water for one minute, once that is done, grasp it with both hands and attempt to crush it flat.

I'll wait.

........….

You have undoubtedly come back after realizing that this is fucking impossible. Congratulations. I have now given you the Metroid: Other M Missile Experience. Now if only the soap was as breathtakingly dumb as the main character.

Samus Aran is probably one of the most respected female protagonists currently in the media, so why in the name of god did they give her to Team Ninja.

Team Ninja is famous for two game franchises. Ninja Gaiden, famous for excessive gore, and Dead Or Alive, famous for more than excessive cleavage.

I have a rule. If a female character is fun, and well developed I will look upon her physique as a bonus, otherwise I look upon it as ungodly IRRITATING.

However I can recognize that Team Ninja are in fact, trying to distance themselves from that. The scary thing is that THEY THINK THAT THIS IS WHAT CHARACTERIZATION OF WOMEN LOOKS LIKE!!!!

Apparently it is a woman, constantly whining, freaking out for no reason, and not doing anything, including something that could save her life in dire situations, without express permission from a man.

The man in question is Adam Malkovich, who was established in earlier games.

In those games he was Samus's Ex CO, established as a complete Badass, tough as nails, and generally a figure worthy of my respect. He also had the habit of calling Samus "Lady" on missions, but it was made clear that that was a mark of respect to his agent, not a slam against her.

In THIS game, he is a massive, unlikable, stupid, joyless, cowardly, chauvinist, prick basket.

Also, while in previous games an attraction was subtly IMPLIED, here Samus spends most of her time begging god that Adam asks her to the goddam PROM!!!!!

In conclusion, please, purchase Metroid Prime, or Metroid: Fusion, or ANY OTHER GAME IN THE FRANCHISE. Just do NOT give any money to this heinous insult to the female character as an art form and otherwise kind of annoying game.

Next time, were going to need to get a better example of a female protagonist, so I'm going to look at an old favorite of my brother's!

Halloween Special

Happy Belated Halloween readers! I bet you're wondering what I'm looking at in celebration of this spooky and spectacular holiday.

Well the inspiration, weirdly enough came from Facebook.

In this world of social media it has become impossible to lose touch with someone. Every friend that you, let's be fair, grow out of can easily find you. And sure, they were a barrel of fun at ten years old.... But then they never STOPPED being ten years old and you grew up. You'll look back at the early days with nostalgia, but it mostly depresses you, knowing he grew up into someone you don't want to know.

This reminded me of Resident Evil.

The recent titles of the Resident Evil franchise have been looked upon with much deserved scorn. Mostly for impenetrable plots and horrible characters. However people forget the first game which was quite exceptional and rests proudly on my top ten favorite games list.

You are one of two members of a group of investigators checking out a house in the suburbs of Raccoon City. You soon discover that the house is infested by zombies and GOD knows what else.

You can either play as Jill Valentine, the Hot, intelligent, gun wielding character, or Chris Redfield, the dumb, douche haired, knife wielding plank of balsa wood.

So you see how HE lasted this long and now is the main character!

I know of no one who picked Chris, because as soon as you get to your first zombie you had to get it's very hungry mouth right net to your very chewy neck, because Mr. Thickness didn't bring a GUN to the monster infested death mansion.

The reason why this game worked was because of the fact that it was scary in a way that usually isn't for me, I.E. Jump scares. Sure you know that something will leap from a cupboard to attack you but there are eight different cupboards, seven filled with innocent kittens and one filled with the giant attic dwelling viper, spoiler alert.

It's also the first "every action has consequences game I've ever seen. Open the wrong door at the wrong time and the hallway you have passed through fifty times already will permanently have wall to wall carpeting made of giant spiders.

The zombies are actually the least interesting thing about game. They get out shined by the snake, the spiders, the dogs, Audrey II, and the alligator dog thing keeping you from leaving the house.

And that's the thing, it FELT like a horror-action game, it was MEANT to scare you. Resident Evil 5 was an action game, meant to suck. It's a game worth a replay....

BUT I've been spoiled by CurrentGeneration graphics and I can't look at it anymore.

This is a game that BADLY needs a graphical update, mostly so that the zombies don't look like drippy origami men.

Also so that I can recapture the spirit of that treasured period in my life and not look at Resident Evil 6 and see somebody that I used to know.

And now that that song is stuck in your head and mine, I will bid you a buenos Dia de Los Muertos and bid farewell!

(But'cha didn't have to cuuuut me off..)