Sonic Colors

We hereby commemorate Sonic The Hedgehog's body to the earth, after having all likability beaten out of him by the Sega corporation. Yea Sonic fans, do not fear. Gaming in general is the only medium that's actually constantly getting better. So even though one of our favorite gaming franchises is dead we will press on. What we must NOT do, my friends, is continue to buy games that bear his name in vain and post upon their boxes a hideous desecration of his corpse.

It's gotten somewhat depressing for an ex Sonic fan. Mostly because I'm keeping current Sonic fans from playing in traffic and away from anything sharper than dessert gelatin. His demise began in 2003 with his Redesign, which got rid of his pudge and instead made him look like an incredibly perturbed anime bobblehead doll.

However the quality of the games never dipped, and I list Sonic Advance as one of my favorite games of all time. No the final nail in Sonic's blue speedy coffin with a game that was meant to reboot the entire franchise cleverly entitled "Sonic the Hedgehog". It had control issues in the same way that Jeffrey Dahlmer was a little off, and a story that was so bloody impenetrable it is impossible to explain without visual aids and several swear words I am uncomfortable using knowing my mom reads this blog.

It is considered to be one of the worst video games of all time, but you drooling idiots still bought it didn't you? That's how they made 2 Wii titles no one has heard of and Sonic Unleashed the earthly avatar of Satan.

Since then we have had 2 Types of Sonic games the Barely Passable, and the Crap.

I am proud to say with Sonic Colors we have a THIRD category! The barely passable crap!!

I'm playing the Nintendo DS version, not the apparently "better" Console edition. Though I call bullshit on "better." Because if Sonic 2006 and Unleashed proved anything it's that trying to control Sonic in a 3D is like firing a rocket down an AC vent and asking it very politely not to hit the walls.

So we have this monkey house of a DS game. In every aspect of this game there is one, and only ONE flaw. If any one of those things were the only flaw of the game, the game would have been actually decent, all of them TOGETHER makes an experience as frustrating as watching Attack of the Clones and suppressing your thirst for blood.

The level design is very creative, I don't see how you can go wrong with a theme park in space. The main problem is THAT I NOTICED.

Look level designers, I know you hate Sonic games. I get that it is frustrating to have no one appreciate your work because they are rocketing past it at Mach 12, but the solution to that is most certainly not to make every level a towering behemoth that no one wants to stand under for fear it may drop on them.

Another thing that level designers shouldn't do unless they want to spite the player is coat all the platforms in butter that has itself been coated in KY jelly. You slide for a long period after you stop pressing the button. Usually off a cliff, into spikes, or into the loving arms of a hostile robot fire hydrant.

The boss fights are too easy. Unless it's the second one in which case the game promises to replace your DS because you undoubtedly ate the last one.

But the main problem with this game, and indeed all Sonic games, is that it stars Modern Sonic who is a complete ASS HAT. He speaks in that horrible "Cool guy" voice that makes me want to stab him to death with his own quills. His dialogue was written by the WiseCrack-O-Tron 5000. And I don't understand how his MASSIVE TUMOROUS HEAD upon stickman body doesn't snap his 90's style obnoxious wisecracking neck.

As I said before, Sonic is dead. And buried. This hideous Frankenstein's monster Cinos the Porcupine isn't going to convince me he's not. Before you ask, no I haven't played generations yet and I'm not going too. Even if it's shimmering gold I will not touch it with a ten foot pole because if I keep doing this I may as well go to the Danbury cemetery and play "Weekend at Bernie's" with my Civil War vet ancestors.

Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance.

Uhhhhh...,,

It's kind of... No....

Ok. My very first published Review was Kingdom Hearts: 365/2 Days. IN that review I said it would take a five BILLION word document to talk about all the necessary backstory you'd need to get what's going on. Otherwise it's like in the series premier of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine where Captain Sisko attempts to explain linear time to creatures with no concept of it (Keyblade, what is this?).

That review came off as negative and I claimed it was mostly because of shoddy gameplay issues, and while they were certainly present my main issue with that game was in its story. It focused on a character I don't particularly like, and REALLY don't give an airborne crap about.

However I also claimed I was a fan of of the series and I defiantly am, and that is MOSTLY because of the overall plot. It's an incredibly well written fantasy story that, and I know how batshit this sounds, seamlessly blends Disney Classic movies with the Final Fantasy franchise.

So when I tell fellow Kingdom Hearts Fans that this game is VERY VERY important to the story and to pick it up, they will understand, but any other of my readers will.

Without wishing to spoil at the end of the game Leonard Nimoy comes in with a trowel and a bag of cement and fills in all of the series' plotholes.

If you are new to the series however, I would recommend playing the other games first. Not that you won't know the story. This game gives you more reading material than the most vindictive Private School. I have never played a game I've had to study in order to understand what the hell is going on.

So that's my long winded delve into this portion of the story, how about we move onto the actual GAME part. Specifically two game mechanics that do an interpretive dance of War & Peace all over my very last nerve.

The game focuses on two protagonists Likable, well developed, well written, joyful Sora, who of course all the fanbase hates, and depressive, annoying, formulaic Riku, who everyone in the fanbase wants to have sex with.

This is a symptom of a disease that a lot of JRPG fans have. Mistaking interminable whining with characterization.

Riku is one of the most unlikable characters in gaming, and that wouldn't bother me so much if his fans weren't EVERYWHERE. They hate Sora because they believe if he enjoys life he isn't "Deep" enough.

Riku did get better this game however so naturally he is now hated by his fans.

You people sicken me.

Both story lines take place at the same time which brings me to the first incredibly irritating mechanic. The Drop Meter.

The Drop Meter really yanks you out of the game. No, seriously, it yanks you out of one characters campaign and puts you in the other. You can easily go BACK, but all the enemies that you were fighting regain full health so this mechanic is probably responsible for 3DS being in impaled through household pets.

Speaking of the enemies there are two things that bother me about them:

1: You can theoretically find random knickknacks to combine together to make copies of your enemies to fight along side you, but the materials to make any of the decent monsters may as well be the dead sea scrolls for how easy they are to find.

2: They all look like escapees from Barney the Dinosaur's S&M dungeon.

Is it worth your money? Well if you're a fan yes, if not you should play the previous games first. They are some of the best games out there.

If you are a Riku fan, feel welcome to jump into a cannon filled with carnivorous lobsters to fire you into the HEART OF THE SUN.

Dynasty Warriors: GUNDAM

Let's face it. War has become boring.

Okay, certainly not to the SOLDIERS, but as a spectator sport.

Two groups of people standing on two sides of a desert firing guns at eachother, oh sure, there is the odd EXPLOSION, but we've lost the majesty of the reckless charge, the clash of armies, and the noble duel between commanders.

And the future seems to hold no cure for this, with the invention of the predator drone we may get to the point where there ARE no soldiers. All combat will be fought by remote. So we lose the romantic image of to armies racing towards eachother across the battlefield forever.....

That is until the invention of GIANT LIGHTSABER WIELDING ROBOTS!!

Yes today we are looking at the GUNDAM franchise! A line of Japanese anime series based on the very simple premise "Giant Robots Are Awesome, and War Is Hell."

It has joined with the Dynasty Warriors Franchise! A series of video games with ANOTHER simple premise "Wading Into the Enemy Army Killing Fifty Enemies At Once With One Swipe Of Your Sword Is Awesome, And War Is Hell."

I've been a fan of the GUNDAM franchise for some time now. My favorite series was "Mobile Fighter G GUNDAM." A vision of the future that has all nations of the world abandoning conventional armies and means of war in favor of selecting a representative to pilot a giant robot and entering them in a duel that is decided when one has ripped the others HEAD OFF.

That rather crass introduction may explain why I hesitate to call this a war game. I really don't know WHAT to call it. It's like every man's war fantasy. You are a hero who is absolutely VITAL to the mission at hand. The regular enemies you hack down like a slightly aggressive hedge.

No the only real threat are other unstoppable badasses on the field. With a clash of swords and an exchange of one liners an epic battle of warriors begins.

"Epic" has become like "Racist", in that the word has been used so often the true meaning usually escapes the user. So I do not the use this word lightly. This is one of the most epic games I have ever played.

I cannot describe the fist pumping awesomeness of plowing through 500 enemy goons, conquering territory after territory coming across another general, the fight taking out MORE goons just because your kickass has a blast radius, and then failing the mission because the spaceship you were supposed to be defending has drifted into enemy terrain like an unusually stupid spacefaring cow, and has been destroyed for the umpteen jillionth time.

As fun as the game is, it is NOT without it's flaws. Such as the allied AI which was apparently modeled after the Elves from the Magical Land of Stupid.

Heero is moving in to attack the enemy death beam! Shock and Awe! He's dead! Mission Failed!

There is also the fact that combat is a bit of a clusterf*ck. This is not helped by the fact that the battlefield is the relative size of Kansas and you have limited sprint. So when you find out that you have an objective on the opposite side of the map it would feel wrong to make the trek without the assistance of a covered wagon and some diseased children.

All in all, a recommendation. A perfect stress ball after a long day. Pick it up if amazon doesn't lose it in Kentucky! (Long story.)

Well I'm back in the game, off hiatus, and ready to entertain once more!

The Internet is burning red! It's whine tells me to grasp victory!!!