I.... I don't know.
I just don't know.
What the hell am I supposed to DO with this freaking thing?!?!
This game is almost BEYOND review. You've read the title! You've never heard of this game! You know it's going to suck!
So what the hell was my brother thinking when he looked at the box, walked to a GameStop cashier, laid $15.35 on the counter and said "I would like to buy this."
$15.35! Money that could've been spent on food for the needy! Or children's hospitals!
But that didn't happen. No, instead he spent it on James Pond CODENAME: Robocod. A game which, if this intro didn't make it clear, isn't very good.
THIS GAME. IS NOT. VERY. GOOD.
My brother tells me that this game is based on a series of typing tutors from the mid to late 90's. He ALSO said that it's unfair to look at this game without looking at those first.
............
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I shouldn't be looking at the latest installment in the... The EPIC James Pond saga, without seeing what came before.
In this game you play as James Pond, a secret agent cyborg fish.
Excuse me for a moment.
.............. Okay...........
He is sent on assignment to save Santa Claus......
Okay this is gonna take me a while, sorry guys.
From a mad scientist whose evil plan is to tie all the elves to dynamite. James must go through Santa's workshop and free the elves while battling the mad scientist's evil twisted wind up toys.
Again, maybe my brother is right. Maybe in the first typing tutor James was two days away from retirement when the Mad Doctor blew up his house, severely wounding him and killing is wife and children.
Maybe the agency found him and gave him cybernetic enhancements, and he vowed to seek revenge upon Dr. Killjoy. Maybe this is the thrilling climax to a whirlwind adventure of thrills, chills and suspenseful espionage tactics.
BUT....
WHY DO I BET NOT?!?!
Why do I bet that playing the typing tutors will do NOTHING to enhance my enjoyment of this game? Why do I believe that nothing can enhance my enjoyment of this particular title save the fiery hand of GOD?
However I have said before that story is not as important as gameplay. I've played games where you are an immigrant plumber in a land of mushrooms trying to save a princess from Gamera. I've played games where you have to beat shadow creatures to death with a giant key with aid from Donald Duck.
So stow the story for now, how is the game part of the game?
...........
I have never played a more broken, frenetic, ungodly mess of a game.
Let's start with the pathetic attempts at movement physics. James appears to have liberally coated himself in butter because any slight nudge of the controls in either direction will send him flying in one direction or the other. Also if James moves down a 1° incline he will slide down the incline at 300 miles per hour and slam into a wall.
This will happen to you exactly 5000 times after it stops being funny.
Aha! James' cybernetic enhancements have not gone to waste however! James can extend his midriff to infinite lengths and cling to ceilings! Unless a flying enemy is in your way (and there always, ALWAYS is) in which case James snaps back to his waist like a rubberband.
You don't take damage when this happens, so all it does is stop the game dead.
The enemies are everywhere and silly looking. The boss fights are pathetic. The music is abysmal. The story isn't funny and it doesn't even have the excuse of teaching me how to type.
My final recommendation? No. A massive no. A two metric ton granite no carved into Everest. A no burned into the surface of the moon.
This game was evil. It made me want to commit evil deeds. Next post I shall surrender to my darker side.
NEXT POST: THE TOP TEN VIDEO GAME VILLAINS
Mwa ha ha ha! MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!
