Toy Soldiers: Cold War

Bit by bit,
Torn apart,
We never win,
But the battle rages on
For Toy Soldiers

.......

You know, when I first heard that song, I was under the impression that it was about a remorseful drug dealer, racked with guilt over the fact that she got her best friend addicted.

But I was wrong.

It's about this freaking game.

You never win. You rarely LOSE, but you never win.

Another thing Martika was right about, only emptiness remains.

Ugh.... Where to start with this one.

Toy Soldiers: Cold war is brought to us by the XBox Live Arcade. I've only reviewed one other game from this haven of independent designers, that was Dust.

I didn't like Dust. I found it boring as hell. But I hardly think it was a BAD game. I'll just throw it in the "crap that's not for me" pile with X-COM.

This....

This is a BAD game.

You go through this game with one constantly burning question:

What the flying f$&k do you want me to DO?!?!

I flew into this BLIND. I knew nothing about this game until I looked at my XBox dashboard and saw they were offering it for free.

And after the UNPARALLELED success of Dead Island, who could say no to that?

I boot up the XBox and move into the title screen.

I see that when they spoke of "Toy Soldiers" in the title, they were not being ironic. You are playing as a living kid's Army Men set.

That left a good impression. I like the fact that it sort of pans games like Call of Duty or Battlefield. Two game series that take the horror of military armed combat and dunk it in so much machismo and ethnocentric bullshit that something that's meant to honor our military comes of as INSULTING them, and their goals.

So I was looking forward to it. Though while the "Toy Soldiers" part of the title was indeed accurate, I don't think this designer knows what a "Cold War" is.

You know what? Who cares? It sort of fits in with the whole "kid playing with his toys" shtick the game has going.

So I press the start button and.... I'm thrown into a machine gun nest on some poor woman's kitchen counter.

Oh...... Oh dear.

This is a tower defense game.

I suck at these.

Here's the deal with tower defense: You have a tower, or base, or doorway that you must not let the enemy reach. You stop the enemy by setting up little defense stations along the way. Different stations do different things. You get the idea.

Like I said. I SUCK at these games.

But hey! I promised myself that I would not let my incompetence taint a game's quality in my eyes. Remember I gave a positive review to XCOM.

And no one is good at XCOM, we merely survive it.

So, okay! Let's get this started! What am I defending?

Hello?

Yes, game. Shoot the red guys. I've been doing that for ten straight minutes now. What exactly is my goal?

Oh, okay we're moving over to a guided missile launcher station now.

Shoot down the helicopters... okay. What am I defending again?

Game?

And thus I drifted without purpose for another fifteen minutes of playtime until finally I was given full control over what station I played as when. I could pick one of six stations around a massive tower made out of a Coke can.

A goal! Some direction! Thank you LORD in heaven!

Ok. I have a purpose in mind now. DO NOT LET RED GUYS REACH COKE CAN.

F$&k! One of the red guys reached the Coke can!

I'm screwed! Game over. I'd better restart, I just lost.

No... Apparently I didn't.

Yeah, even though the enemy reached the tower in the tower defense game, that was not in fact game over.

So without knowing what the hell to do, I was just shooting bad guys until a prompt came up that I was shooting my own infantry.

.... Wait, I have INFANTRY?!?! When the sh*t did that happen?

How do I tell the difference between them? The bad guys are red, my guys are reddish brown. That looks like the same color when they're a MILE AWAY from you.

So, blocked at every chance to PLAY this game I put the controller down and waited for the game over.

I waited a VERY long time.

All of a sudden, a prompt came on the screen to press the X button.

I did so out of panic, and then I was playing as Rambo.

No kidding. Seriously. I was f$&king Rambo. Red headband. Impossible guns. Ammo belt. Voice actor doing a godawful Stallone impression.

I was allowed to run around and shoot people, however. So I shot at people I thought were enemies..... INSTANT game over for excessive friendly fire.

That's when I finally got it. This game rewards you for doing NOTHING.

So I did what anyone would do in this situation.

I shut the game off. INSTANT WIN.

This thing is BAFFLING. I have never been less clear on what the hell a game wanted me to actually DO. To the point where I honestly thought it wanted me to do nothing at all.

A curious game Toy Soldiers: Cold War. The only winning move is not to play.

.......

Sweet Christmas I just made a War Games reference. I've just spent two reviews with games I hate, now I can barely remember anything I like.

I need something good. What's coming up?

......

Oh.

Ohohoho YES.

YES! This will DO.

Okay, you guys. The game I'm going to review is going to take me a WHILE to finish, and I WANT to finish it. It'll probably take me a week. Two weeks tops.

I've got a vent post coming up, that should help tide you over.

And besides. If I'm going to take THIS game on. I'm going to need a killer playlist.

NEXT POST: MCC'S TOP TEN SONGS TO GAME TO

Until next time.

Dead Island

I hate zombies.

I really do. I try not to let over-saturation factor into my reviews, but sweet JESUS zombies are screwing everywhere.

Movies, games, comics, I can't go look ANYWHERE without finding a zombie apocalypse. What is the appeal?! There is no way to WIN in these stories. They never find a CURE for zombification, or stop the outbreak. It always ends with the six or seven non-infected people moving to a tropical island somewhere or everyone dying. I never feel more like my time has been wasted than with a zombie apocalypse story.

And I wasn't kidding. They are EVERYWHERE. I have seen zombie Christmas Carols, zombie fruit snacks, zombie rock songs, and (no joke here) a ZOMBIE ADAPTATION OF JANE AUSTEN.

And they always, ALWAYS suck.

Ok, ok, I'm not being entirely fair. I like SOME zombie stuff. The first three Resident Evil games were fun. Evil Dead 2 was good. Zombieland is one of my favorite comedies. Also my brother keeps recommending that I read a novel called World War Z, about interviews in the future with survivors of the now LONG DEFEATED zombie horde. So that's something new I may want to check out.

On the other hand, the WORST piece of zombie related media I've ever touched was today's subject. Dead Island.

The premise is pretty simple. You play as one of four shiftless morons who work in a resort hotel on the island of Banoi. One night, in actually a really cool opening cinematic, you get piss drunk and hobble back to your hotel room.

You wake up to find that the island has been overrun by slobbering death clichés.

Yes. The island was overrun by zombies while you were PASSED OUT DRUNK.

Was I pounding back Ferenghi Black Holes last night? I know I was so drunk I had a brief encounter with MYSELF, but I'm pretty sure I'd wake up to the sound of my co-workers being eaten alive!

Anywho, due to the fact that hangovers don't exist in this world, you immediately get railroaded into getting a group of survivors off of the island.

Okay, so the premise has been done to death. Who cares. It's zombies. There is only ONE premise. You play GAMES for GAMEPLAY. So how is it.

Oy....

Okay. Let me start with the very few positives I have, otherwise I'm going to have an aneurism.

The environment is actually very nice looking. Usually in games like this, the setting is presented purely in either grey or brown. This game however is very bright and green which weirdly enough works with the horror atmosphere.

I also really like the IDEA of the combat system. This game has you using whatever you can find to beat up zombies, ripping crap off the walls to survive.

It would all be very compelling if the combat itself wasn't ASS.

First of all, even though she is the only semi-likable character, DO NOT PLAY AS THE FIREARMS EXPERT. Guns are rare to the point of non-existence in Dead Island.

It was five hours, FIVE HOURS, of playtime before I got my hands on the starting pistol. And, true to form, it SUCKS.

I have never seen a more inaccurate weapon since whatever the f$&k they were firing at Schwarzenegger in Commando. The guns in this game are so useless that I got more mileage out of a rusty pipe.

Not that the melee weapons are much better. I'm cool with weapon degradation in a horror game. It adds to the tension when the weapon you're using can break over the abomination of hell you're beating over the head. It really worked in games like Condemned and System shock.

But someone explain something to me; How does an iron one-part wrench break faster than a wooden canoe oar?

Me and the oar became VERY good friends, actually. It is by FAR the toughest sturdiest weapon in the game, and if it SHOULD break, there are replacements everywhere.

This game is just FRUSTRATING. Everything I said about Contra could be construed as me being a f$&king moron. Fair enough. I'm not proud of that review.

This game isn't hard. This game is ANNOYING.

Zombies will not. Stay. DOWN. You will spend the bulk of your time standing over a zombie, who's desperately trying to pick himself up, wailing on the bastard with a canoe paddle. It's so TEDIOUS.

This is where the multiplayer comes in.

Seriously, this is where the multiplayer bursts through the wall uninvited, drinks my booze, insults my grandmother, and shags my wife.

If your system is connected to the internet, like MINE is, people from other states can interrupt your game and wander through. The problem with this is that the difficulty automatically increases with every extra player. So while I'm tenderizing one zombie some asshat from New Zealand bursts in and suddenly EIGHT MORE zombies show up and eat me alive.

At least he's helpful..... in taking all the healing items and weapons and then beating a path out of town like he owes me money.

Yeah, it doesn't help that every other person who's playing this game is a complete douchenozzle. It's like I've entered a Rob Zombie movie.

That's DIRECTOR Rob Zombie... not a movie where all the zombies are named.... Rob.


Speaking of Directors, I wish this game's director will pick a freaking TONE.

There is a scene where you find a guy kneeling in a swimming pool that is red with blood. He tells you tearfully that he has just killed his wife, brother and teenage daughter. He was forced to do this when his family was infected and attacked him.

Not FIVE MINUTES LATER I'm taking part in a combat segment straight out of Shaun of the Dead (ANOTHER good zombie movie.)

"Oh god... My wife... My own F$&KING daughter... what the hell was I supposed to do?! What... what was I supposed to do....?"

*THIRTY SECONDS LATER*

"Burnin' through the skyyyyyy
600 degrees, that's why they call me Mister Fahrenheiiiiit!"

It's a tonal shift so jarring it gave me a freaking nosebleed.

Great. Now I've got red on me. And I'm certainly SEEING it after playing this pigsh*t.

Is it worth your money? Let me put it this way: I got this game for FREE with my XBox Live Gold membership.

I was reconsidering paying for my INTERNET afterwards.

Hoo... Okay Cynic, calm down. You're better than this man. You hate zombies, and you hate this game, fine. But that's no reason to freak out.

Besides, I'm sure that not EVERY game Free with Gold is this bad!

NEXT TIME: TOY SOLDIERS: COLD WAR

......

Okay. Screw this. I'm calling Cablevision

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Justice for All

Back in caveman times, before the internet, video games were very basic in scope.

You had things like Pong and Space Invaders. Simple little time-sinks that you played on an arcade cabinet while you waited for your turn to bowl.

As the technology evolved, so did the gameplay. Stuff like Donkey Kong and PAC-man started hitting arcades.

Around 1980 the Gaming industry crashed and crashed HARD. It looked like it all had just been a fad.

In 1984 everything changed.

This happened for two reasons, the Nintendo Entertainment System, and the Amiga. I've talked enough about Nintendo in previous reviews, so let's focus on the home computer.

PC gaming has always been considered more... PROPER than console gaming . PC : gaming : : opera : theatre, and there is a good reason for that. In was on home computers that people started to think that maybe these "video games" could have a STORY to them.

So eventually, around the late 80's early 90's we got Point-n-Click adventure games.

These were almost visual interactive novels. The way these games worked was that you looked around, found knickknacks, rubbed the knickknacks on objects, showed objects to people, and prayed to God above that something that you just did would move the story forward.

I kid around, but I really like this setup. It makes me think. Sure it makes me think in the bizarre monkey logic of an insane hobo, but still...

"Hmm, my wallet is under the couch and I can't reach it. I had better get my pet rat to go under the couch and get it for me and then coax him out with a granola bar! What do you mean, 'Move the couch'?" (That's real. You have to do that in an ACTUAL video game.)

Why do I bring this up? Well the Ace Attorney franchise is a modern day series of Point-n-Clicks for the Nintendo DS.

And it is only behind Pokémon when it comes to my favorite game series.

I thought about writing a retrospective, but there is no way in HELL I'm going to spoil the story, and I'd almost have to for a lot of the retrospective to make sense. Also the basic premise is really simple.

You are Phoenix Wright, budding hotshot defense attorney. In each game there are four cases, oftentimes connected in some way, that lead to a final big climax. Usually the revelation of some kind of conspiracy.

It's the near future, and I mean NEAR future. The first game takes place around 2015.

Many changes have been made to the American justice system..... within the next twelve months, in order to "expedite" criminal proceedings.

1) All criminal trials begin a DAY after the crime, and are only allowed to last three days before a verdict MUST be reached.

2) Juries have been eliminated. All verdicts fall to an elected Judge.

3) The burden of proof has now been placed on the defense.

4) If a case is not closed within eighteen years, all evidence, records, and investigations of said case are thrown out, and are never allowed to be opened again.

......

And we did this because.... f$&k due process, Miranda rights, and the IV, V, and VI amendments?

It's no secret, even in-game, that this criminal justice system is eight kinds of cocked up. The big victory at the end of game four is juries.

But I'm talking about game two now!

Phoenix is helped along by Maya Fey, the sister of his former mentor.

Maya can also channel spirits of the dead.

Hang on! Don't bail yet! It actually works well with the rest of the aesthetic (mostly).

Maya can only successfully channel the spirit of her departed sister Mia, Phoenix's former mentor, and a fantastic attorney in her own right. Whenever she tries to contact anyone else things get messy.....

And then they get stupid.....

And then the end of game three happens....

And then I need an aspirin.

Whatever! The point is that it doesn't come up often enough to be obnoxious. Mia Fey is 31 flavors of awesome and it's a kick when she shows up, and since Maya's a novice she can't contact the victims so no plotholes are created.

There is of course, one other supernatural element to the games. The Magatama.

The Magatama is a magical doohickey that can tell when people are telling lies, or keeping secrets. It visualizes this to its holder by showing the subject covered in giant locks and chains. Break the locks, they spill the beans.

This DOES create a plothole, since Phoenix never uses it during a cross examination.

You see, there are two parts to every case. The first part is investigation. Phoenix runs around looking for "evidence" (aforementioned adventure game knickknacks) talking to witnesses about the murder, getting information, and using the magatama to reveal people's secrets.

The SECOND part is the trial. This is where Phoenix becomes Perry fecking Mason and uses the information and evidence he's collected to point out lies and inconsistencies in witness' testimony, and finally point out the real murderer.

I don't much like the investigation sequences, as they tend to fall into the adventure game trap of finding something, then rubbing it on everything and everyone else in order to sort out what the hell you're doing. It gets very tedious, VERY fast. I often get lost. This is where I get stuck more often than not.

The game REALLY shines during the trial segments. If you're paying very careful attention you should be able to get your answers pretty quickly. And by GOD is it satisfying to nail a murderer to the wall. The entire game is designed in a very anime-esque art style. So truly epic things happen when you catch people on lies.

One guy explodes.

The thing is though, the gameplay doesn't matter.

Yes, this is ME saying this.

This is one of the cases where you're in it ENTIRELY for the story.

And the story for the second game in this series makes it one of my favorite games of all time.

This game is a perfect example of how a good narrative can be well delivered through this medium. The characters are likable, the mystery is good, the pacing is PERFECT, and the comedy is hilarious.

First thing of note: There is no conspiracy going on this time. The overarching plot is strictly personal to Phoenix, and what justice means to him.

What's going on is that the DA from the last game, Miles Edgeworth, (a man so badass ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" starts playing whenever he waltzes in the room) has gone missing, seemingly having committed suicide. (Spoilers: He's fine, journey of self-discovery thing, faked his own death.)

This has turned Phoenix Wright bitter on the subject of prosecutors, thinking that all they ever want to do is send innocent people to jail, to hell with justice.

When Edgeworth does finally make an appearance, he tells Phoenix that he had the same thought about him, finding people innocent and damn justice, and to stop being a douchebag.

Edgeworth tells him that they both have a role to play. Justice relies on both of them uncovering the truth. That is the purpose of a courtroom.

And the solution to the last case.....

Okay, no way in HELL am I spoiling it here. Suffice it to say it's one of my favorite solutions to any mystery on the planet, and the most well executed twist I've ever seen in anything.

Let's leave it at they do the same kind of thing Agatha Christie's Murder of Roger Ackroyd did to you, but in a way that gets you so pissed off at the perpetrator you feel no guilt in getting his ass KILLED at the end of the game. It's brilliant.

The title for this installment is Justice for All, and while that could've been just a bad joke, they actually make you think about what that MEANS. It's a fantastic game, a fantastic mystery, and even a fantastic message. It's simply fantastic.

And if this review hasn't convinced you to try this series out (and my favorite shows list hasn't convinced you to check out My Little Pony), YouTube "Turnabout Storm."

It's one of the very few pieces of fanfiction that's worth anyone's time, and it will make it so that you are a fan of both series.

Okay! Awesome! I feel really good. Last post was my favorite game series, today was one of my all time favorite games! All right, let's keep it going!

NEXT REVIEW: DEAD ISLAND

.......

Why do I suddenly feel like screaming?

.………

OBJECTION!

Pokémon Y

So we're back! Like a faithful puppy wagging its tail with its ball in its mouth, Pokémon has come back to play once again.

Back in my retrospective of the series last September, I mentioned that I was nervous about this particular title. Mostly because of the shift from a two dimensional to a THREE dimensional perspective. I said that the journey to 3D was possible, but perilous, saying that it had been the death of many series.

What I DIDN'T mention was that there is a safe route.

I.E. Don't change the GAMEPLAY at all, just render everything in polygons.

That's the route that Pokémon X/Y took, and that's fine. If it ain't broke, right? It looks like Pokémon Stadium (an N64 game I didn't mention in my retrospective because it isn't part of the main series), and that's what I've been wanting. So, I can't complain that it's not recognizable as a Pokémon game.

I'm not going to re-explain Pokémon to you guys. If you need a refresher course take a look at my retrospective

What's happening this time around? Well, welcome to the Kalos Reigon.

You have just moved here, and you are contacted by your neighbors. Serena (Calem, if you play as a girl), and Shauna. They tell you that Professor Augustine Sycamore (his character is as fey as his name) wants to give you your very first Pokémon.

This is, in fact, my SIXTH "very first Pokémon," if you don't count extra playthroughs.

You, of course, accept and go off to collect badges, complete the Pokédex, blady blah. It follows the formula pretty closely, not CHANGING much.....

But ADDING a big dose of, for lack of a better term, French.

The Kalos Region seems very European in style, specifically referencing France in a few places. The biggest city is called "Luminose" (get it? City of Lights?), and has a massive Eiffel Tower that doubles as the Pokémon gym. A lot of people wear berets. We were introduced to "Furfrou" the poodle Pokémon.

And the villain has a plan so inescapably dumb you could only see it in a Cinema Verité.

I can't decide if Lysandre and Team Flare are the best or very WORST villains this series has ever seen. The plan they've come up with is nuttier than a PayDay bar, and Lysandre has the third most ridiculous hair I've ever seen in an anime game.

And THAT is saying something!

Okay. So Lysandre wants to remove all suffering in the world. How is he planning to this?

If you guys playing at home said "By killing everyone," congratulations! You win the MCC Award for playing too many video games!

Yeah he wants to kill everyone using a giant crystal thingy that he found in the desert. It was originally built by a cosmic hobo who wanted to raise his Pokémon from the dead.

This game may be a bit silly.

However, you can survive the inevitable Armageddon by joining Team Flare! You do that by ponying up $1,000,000.

Wow! That's a SPECIAL kind of crazy.

And that's exactly why.... I really like Lysandre. He may be my second favorite villain of the series. (No one is going to top Giovanni.)

His plan is psychotic but he honestly believes that this is the right thing to do. Which makes him kind of terrifying.

He doesn't gibber. He doesn't froth at the mouth. He comes off as very refined. That gives this really good feeling of "Oh wait a minute, you're not.... OKAY, are you?" when you do find out what this plan is.

As for gameplay, only one new thing of note. Mega-Evolution.

I've talked about Pokémon evolution. When a Pokémon gets to a certain level of strength it changes into an even stronger Pokémon.

Mega-Evolution takes a fully evolved Pokémon and, with the help of a special item, transforms it for the duration of the battle into a suped up version, upping all of its stats. It's actually really cool to look at, and pretty useful.

This game could've killed the entire series, I'm glad to say that didn't happen. It's a must buy for any fan of the series.

I love these games, and for reasons I've explained they always remind me of my grandfather. And thinking of him makes me think of his vocation.

My grandfather was a litigator

NEXT POST: PHOENIX WRIGHT ACE ATTORNEY: JUSTICE FOR ALL

See you next time.

THE VENT 2-14: Little Shop of Horrors

Recently, Little Shop of Horrors was released on BLU-Ray. It had the original uncut ending.

Let me make something clear, Little Shop has to be one of my top five favorite movies on the planet. Remember the five aspects of good I talked in the introduction post? (Technically impressive, relatable characters, makes you think, makes you cry, makes you laugh) This movie easily has all five, along with a sixth.

"Makes you Dance."

I DEFY you not sing along with this musical. The music is spectacular. Who knew Rick Moranis, of ALL people, could sing?

What is he singing about? Well let's start at the beginning.

In the 1950's, Seymour Krelborn (Moranis) works in a florist shop on Skid Row (Seriously, that's the name of the neighborhood). Business is going about as you'd expect, when something odd happens. Seymour finds a plant that matches nothing that he's ever seen before, maybe nothing on earth.

The plant, which he names Audrey II after his perspective crush, immediately drums up business for the shop. Seymour starts becoming famous, getting the attention of the girl of his dreams, everything seems great....

Except that Audrey II subsists on human blood.

It gets worse when the plant begins to talk to Seymour, promising him fame and fortune if he will only feed it by any means necessary.

You're asking "But MCC, if you love this movie so much, why are you talking about it here?"

Good question, the problem comes in the ending. And no, not the theatrical widespread release of the film.

The theatrical ending the movie had was merely a little rushed. Seymour rather unceremoniously offs Audrey II with electricity and then it rather abruptly cuts to a very Hollywood happy ending. No ending number. No real epilogue.

There is a good reason it was rushed. It was added in post production.

The ORIGINAL ending to the film left focus groups with a serious sense of "What the f$&k just happened to me?".

I had known for a while that in the original ending, like the ending for the stage production, both Seymour and Audrey are eaten by Audrey II. I just couldn't comprehend how mind-numbingly stupid that was until I saw the ending for myself.

I'm not the kind of guy who NEEDS a happy ending in order to like a movie. I just need an ending to make sense.

What's so stupid ABOUT the original ending? Well let's take it from the top. (Brace yourselves, it's going to get loud.)

Near the climax of the movie the plant tries to eat Audrey. Seymour manages to rescue her from the plant's maw and drag Audrey outside.

In the THEATRICAL ending, Audrey is obviously shaken from the attack. Seymour tells Audrey everything, saying that the only reason he did ANY of this was to impress her. Audrey tells him that he's an idiot and that she always loved him. Seymour goes in to fight the plant. Audrey II sings my FAVORITE song in the whole damn movie ("Mean Green Mother from Outer Space"). Seymour wins, Hollywood ending.

Like I said, a little rushed, but acceptable.

In the ORIGINAL ending, Audrey is mortally wounded from the attack and is bleeding out.

So far, no logical problems. The plant is seen to have razor sharp teeth, so it's not insane that one of them punctured a lung.

Here's where the problems start.

As she is dying she goes into a reprise of her solo number "Somewhere That's Green."

"Somewhere" is the tearjerker piece. The emotional backbone of the whole flick. A song that (weirdly) always makes my mother tear up.

The first rendition of the song talks about the idyllic life she dreams of with Seymour. A whole 50's American dream type of situation.

It's actually a pretty damn moving song. It speaks to Audrey's inherent naïveté. She honestly thinks that that's what happy looks like.

In the REPRISE she tells Seymour to feed her body to the plant when she dies. Saying that this way she will be with him forever.

You know, when she's digested. She'll become part of the plant. Get it? The plant is green? So she'll finally be- you get it?

..........

Okay. First of all, ew. Second, this is monumentally stupid on 2 levels.

1. By this point, the plant has become a representation of everything evil in this world to Seymour. The notion that he would give Audrey (AKA: everything GOOD in this world) to the plant is out of character and ridiculous.

2. REALLY Audrey? Really? You want Seymour to keep looking after the thing that relies on HUMAN BLOOD TO SUSTAIN ITSELF?!?! That's your last wish? Well fine, you turned from "nice down on your luck girl" to "callous homicidal bitch" pretty f$&king quick. Whatever, it is, quite literally, your funeral.

So Seymour gives her body over to the plant, *Facepalm,* and Audrey II slowly and respectfully eats her.

.......

Because Audrey II has been so respectful of humans this whole time. He hasn't been treating them like walking bags of Funyuns at all.

Also, I don't think there is a dignified way to be FED TO SOMETHING.

After that the police come to arrest Seymour (Several people have gone missing throughout the film), and Seymour.... promptly throws himself into the plant's mouth.

Well..... I guess Audrey's last wish can go screw itself.

Okay. We're not at bullet to the head moronic with this, but we're getting there.

First of all: THE COPS ARE RIGHT THERE. Tell them what happened. Sure they won't necessarily BELIEVE you, but you'll have an explanation of where the bodies went.

Secondly: This is COWARDLY. Sad to say a lot of people like this ending, and this part in particular. But Seymour isn't a coward. Audrey made him BETTER, that's why the romance worked so well. It feels like real love.

Love means you make each other the best of yourselves, and that doesn't go away when a partner dies.

So Seymour taking a crap on Audrey's memory like this isn't just stupid, it's plain insulting.

Also, and this is the one that really kills me.

People keep telling me that this is pathos, that he somehow deserved it.

No.

No he didn't. There are two people who die before the finale. Seymour kills neither of them. One of them kills himself, the other one is a freaking idiot who doesn't know not to stick his head into the mouth of something with pointy teeth.

As a matter of fact, they actually CHANGED that from the stage show the movie was based on. In THAT he is actively to blame for both deaths. He out and out MURDERS the second guy.

But in the movie, both death scenes are shifted around so that Seymour takes less of the blame.

The WORST he can be accused of is negligent homicide in the second case, and THAT'S squiffy.

Seymour IS a good person. You took the time to establish that. To have him die in this craven way means you have no respect for your characters. At that point, you put the typewriter down and you DRIVE HOME.

But the finale....

ARCEUS HELP US, THE FINALE.

The finale number is called "Don't Feed the Plants." Unfortunately it's one of the best sounding songs in the piece.

It tells us that, after the events of the story, Audrey IIs began to be mass produced and sold across America.

Wait for it.

The plants managed to talk other people into feeding them blood, to the point where they began to over take the world. They did this the same way the original did it to Seymour, promising fame and fortune.

The song ends with a dire warning "Whatever they offer you, don't feed the plants."

You have half a second to guess why this is stupid. Time's up. THERE IS NO WAY THIS PLAN F$&KING WORKS!!!

1) The only reason Seymour knew that Audrey II ate blood in the FIRST place was because he accidentally pricked his finger in front of the plant, since the plant couldn't talk until later in its development. So that shortens the number of plants that live past sapling at a third of the products sold.

2) The only reason that Seymour kept feeding the plant after he found out what it lived on was because he was desperate. He had no disposable income to, say, WASTE ON A DESIGNER POTTED PLANT!!!!! So that shortens the number of plants to, maybe, an EIGHTH of the ones who start to be fed.

3) The only reason Seymour kept feeding the plant after it started TALKING was because it could DELIVER on all of its promises. It could do that because no one had ever seen an Audrey II before. Now, however, THEY'RE F$&KING EVERYWHERE. This works ONE more time, I.E. "Mine can talk." After that the plants better start learning how to juggle and play the stock market because otherwise this plan is pretty screwed.

Also, to me this should be obvious, not EVERYONE can be rich an famous.

But let's be freaking charitable. Let's say FIVE PLANTS TOTAL make it to the point where they can wander around.

Screw that, let's forget the first three objections ENTIRELY. If EVERYONE pricked their finger at the right time. If EVERYONE thought it was worth it to keep feeding the plants. If EVERYONE could me made famous enough by these little potted bastards to find it worthwhile to KILL PEOPLE TO KEEP THEM FED.

That would still leave one... INESCAPABLE problem.

4) We have no proof the plants are bulletproof.

At all. As a matter of fact the in the final fight scene (which is, in fact, in the original ending) Audrey II takes the time to take a gun AWAY from Seymour.

So I'm thinking one tank shell and free guacamole for everyone on Third Avenue! Hooray!

But, nope. Logic does not apply in this ending.

This plan was that screwed back in the fifties. Can you imagine how far up the creek they would be TODAY?

It'd just take one asshole tweeting "Yeah, my plant eats blood and started singing to me, is this happening to anyone else or am I just THAT high?"

"You know, now that you mention it...."

And then we're done, invasion quelled. The greenhouse is descended upon by a swarm of carnivorous CPA agents.

The Theatrical ending was rushed. But I would take that a thousand times over before I took this.

It is WRONG. Logically wrong. Dramatically wrong. Tonally wrong. I don't think I have ever agreed with a focus group more than I do here.

A lot of people, however, wanted this abomination attached to the end of this movie. THOSE people are going to ask me if I can come up with a better ending.

Ok, give me ten minutes.

.......

Got it.

The movie starts with Seymour, obviously bloodied and haggard, entering a radio station while sirens blare outside. He holds a gun to the host and demands just two hours on the air.

From there he tells the story. The movie proceeds as normal until we get to the climax.

Seymour finds out he accidentally signed the mass-production contract. He quickly gets Audrey out of the shop and he confronts Audrey II.

"Mean Green Mother" takes place as Seymour tries to escape the shop.

He escapes the shop and is chased by the cops to the radio station.

"Don't Feed the Plants" is Seymour's final warning to the audience. He sings it as the cops bust down the door and take him in.

There. Ten minutes. It isn't rushed and it doesn't piss me off. Win-win.

To those of you reading, I beg you, choose the theatrical ending. It's not just happier, it makes some semblance of sense.

To those of you who like the original ending, stop watching movies, you ruin them for the rest of us.

Well, I think I'm a little closer to finding out what bad means to me. It has something to do with boundless stupidity and a good plot huffing paint towards the end. We've made some progress.

My Pokémon Y review should be out soon. There should be a new vent next month.