Dead Island

I hate zombies.

I really do. I try not to let over-saturation factor into my reviews, but sweet JESUS zombies are screwing everywhere.

Movies, games, comics, I can't go look ANYWHERE without finding a zombie apocalypse. What is the appeal?! There is no way to WIN in these stories. They never find a CURE for zombification, or stop the outbreak. It always ends with the six or seven non-infected people moving to a tropical island somewhere or everyone dying. I never feel more like my time has been wasted than with a zombie apocalypse story.

And I wasn't kidding. They are EVERYWHERE. I have seen zombie Christmas Carols, zombie fruit snacks, zombie rock songs, and (no joke here) a ZOMBIE ADAPTATION OF JANE AUSTEN.

And they always, ALWAYS suck.

Ok, ok, I'm not being entirely fair. I like SOME zombie stuff. The first three Resident Evil games were fun. Evil Dead 2 was good. Zombieland is one of my favorite comedies. Also my brother keeps recommending that I read a novel called World War Z, about interviews in the future with survivors of the now LONG DEFEATED zombie horde. So that's something new I may want to check out.

On the other hand, the WORST piece of zombie related media I've ever touched was today's subject. Dead Island.

The premise is pretty simple. You play as one of four shiftless morons who work in a resort hotel on the island of Banoi. One night, in actually a really cool opening cinematic, you get piss drunk and hobble back to your hotel room.

You wake up to find that the island has been overrun by slobbering death clichés.

Yes. The island was overrun by zombies while you were PASSED OUT DRUNK.

Was I pounding back Ferenghi Black Holes last night? I know I was so drunk I had a brief encounter with MYSELF, but I'm pretty sure I'd wake up to the sound of my co-workers being eaten alive!

Anywho, due to the fact that hangovers don't exist in this world, you immediately get railroaded into getting a group of survivors off of the island.

Okay, so the premise has been done to death. Who cares. It's zombies. There is only ONE premise. You play GAMES for GAMEPLAY. So how is it.

Oy....

Okay. Let me start with the very few positives I have, otherwise I'm going to have an aneurism.

The environment is actually very nice looking. Usually in games like this, the setting is presented purely in either grey or brown. This game however is very bright and green which weirdly enough works with the horror atmosphere.

I also really like the IDEA of the combat system. This game has you using whatever you can find to beat up zombies, ripping crap off the walls to survive.

It would all be very compelling if the combat itself wasn't ASS.

First of all, even though she is the only semi-likable character, DO NOT PLAY AS THE FIREARMS EXPERT. Guns are rare to the point of non-existence in Dead Island.

It was five hours, FIVE HOURS, of playtime before I got my hands on the starting pistol. And, true to form, it SUCKS.

I have never seen a more inaccurate weapon since whatever the f$&k they were firing at Schwarzenegger in Commando. The guns in this game are so useless that I got more mileage out of a rusty pipe.

Not that the melee weapons are much better. I'm cool with weapon degradation in a horror game. It adds to the tension when the weapon you're using can break over the abomination of hell you're beating over the head. It really worked in games like Condemned and System shock.

But someone explain something to me; How does an iron one-part wrench break faster than a wooden canoe oar?

Me and the oar became VERY good friends, actually. It is by FAR the toughest sturdiest weapon in the game, and if it SHOULD break, there are replacements everywhere.

This game is just FRUSTRATING. Everything I said about Contra could be construed as me being a f$&king moron. Fair enough. I'm not proud of that review.

This game isn't hard. This game is ANNOYING.

Zombies will not. Stay. DOWN. You will spend the bulk of your time standing over a zombie, who's desperately trying to pick himself up, wailing on the bastard with a canoe paddle. It's so TEDIOUS.

This is where the multiplayer comes in.

Seriously, this is where the multiplayer bursts through the wall uninvited, drinks my booze, insults my grandmother, and shags my wife.

If your system is connected to the internet, like MINE is, people from other states can interrupt your game and wander through. The problem with this is that the difficulty automatically increases with every extra player. So while I'm tenderizing one zombie some asshat from New Zealand bursts in and suddenly EIGHT MORE zombies show up and eat me alive.

At least he's helpful..... in taking all the healing items and weapons and then beating a path out of town like he owes me money.

Yeah, it doesn't help that every other person who's playing this game is a complete douchenozzle. It's like I've entered a Rob Zombie movie.

That's DIRECTOR Rob Zombie... not a movie where all the zombies are named.... Rob.


Speaking of Directors, I wish this game's director will pick a freaking TONE.

There is a scene where you find a guy kneeling in a swimming pool that is red with blood. He tells you tearfully that he has just killed his wife, brother and teenage daughter. He was forced to do this when his family was infected and attacked him.

Not FIVE MINUTES LATER I'm taking part in a combat segment straight out of Shaun of the Dead (ANOTHER good zombie movie.)

"Oh god... My wife... My own F$&KING daughter... what the hell was I supposed to do?! What... what was I supposed to do....?"

*THIRTY SECONDS LATER*

"Burnin' through the skyyyyyy
600 degrees, that's why they call me Mister Fahrenheiiiiit!"

It's a tonal shift so jarring it gave me a freaking nosebleed.

Great. Now I've got red on me. And I'm certainly SEEING it after playing this pigsh*t.

Is it worth your money? Let me put it this way: I got this game for FREE with my XBox Live Gold membership.

I was reconsidering paying for my INTERNET afterwards.

Hoo... Okay Cynic, calm down. You're better than this man. You hate zombies, and you hate this game, fine. But that's no reason to freak out.

Besides, I'm sure that not EVERY game Free with Gold is this bad!

NEXT TIME: TOY SOLDIERS: COLD WAR

......

Okay. Screw this. I'm calling Cablevision