NINTENDO MONTH PART 2 OF 4
First a disclaimer.
Two weeks ago I HEAVILY hinted that my next review would be Animal Crossing: Wild World. It is not. I TRIED, good GOD I tried, but I had nothing funny to say.
It's a life sim with furries, a decent one. If you like life sims check it out. The end. Buy a Game Grid t-shirt. (ATTENTION: THERE ARE NO GAME GRID T-SHIRTS AS OF YET. I WILL TRY TO FIND SOMEONE TO HOOK ME UP LATER)
I will find something to fill the fourth slot I had planned for Nintendo Month. In the meantime let's get on to week 2.
As I have said before Mario to my knowledge has never released a bad game. In fact I think that it's the only long running game franchise that can claim that. This game is no exception.
Good gameplay, good graphics, sidescrolly head-jumpy fun, blahdy blahdy blah. Punch and Judy can do a Mario review at this point.
BUT...
You don't go to an electrician to compliment your lamp, and you didn't come to me to be nice to a game.
So I started Super Mario 3D Land, or, as it SHOULD be called Super Mario Tanooki Suit.
Yes! Back from Super Mario Brothers 3, the Tanooki Suit dresses Mario up as a raccoon and allows him the ability to glide temporarily because..... Japanese..... Folktale? You had better have this suit ON in every single level. If you don't have one, go to the nearest door and take dead lessons from the nails.
There is practically NO LEVEL that can be completed without it. The levels that CAN be completed without it, will make you miss out on valuable Star Medals, but who cares, right? It's just used for extras. I can probably complete the game without those.
WRONG! As I found out when I got to the midway boss castle! I needed FIFTY star medals to enter the level.
I had fifteen.
The next TWO HOURS of playtime were spent trudging through previous levels getting EVERY star medal I missed. Dying again and again again and AGAIN. However it didn't matter that much because at this point I was hoarding lives in my tree for the winter. It was at this point that I saw something very strange.
I respawned at the checkpoint for the BILLIONTH time when I saw a box that had not been there before. On the box was printed the icon of a Tanooki Leaf.
"Oh good!" I thought. "The game has clued in that the Tanooki Suit is as needed as BREATHING! It is apologizing by giving me a free one!"
I opened the box and out popped a GOLDEN Tanooki Leaf. This gave me the white Tanooki Suit. Which allowed me to gain unlimited invincibility. I was very proud of myself for gaining this rare and valuable unlockable! Though when I moved to the next level I lost the suit. I also, no matter how hard I tried could not make the block reappear.
I looked online to see how I could make this gaming lightning strike twice and I got a SHOCKING answer. The Golden Leaf only appears when you have died enough times on one level.
That's right. THE GAME IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU!!
"Ohhhh." smarms the game "You're a little SLOW aren't you. Here take the shiny thing and go about your merry way. Your helmet's got your name on it."
Who the HELL do you think you are! You can take your Pity Leaf and shove it up your pixelated ASS! I'm hardcoring this mother.
That's what I THOUGHT, not what I DID.
Of COURSE you take it. You ALWAYS take it. The White Tanooki Suit, however, DOESN'T keep you from falling of cliffs. So you can still die....
If you do that ENOUGH. You get ANOTHER item.
The P-Wing.
The P-Wing allows you to SKIP TO THE END OF THE LEVEL.
"Oh I'm sorry! I thought a HUMAN BEING was at the controls! You are obviously some kind of unwashed chimp who got his grubby hand-feet on a 3DS. Here monkey! Go! Make the little man fly! At the end if you're good you get a mango!"
Again, this IS Mario. It's a great game. Remember, though this IS Mario, game has no mercy at all.
I haven't COMPLETED a game since I've been doing this blog. I can't give you the full scope of a review if I haven't played through the whole game. What I need is something I can easily blast through in an afternoon, but I can still find serious fault in.
NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: STARFOX 64 3D!
There we go.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Kirby: Mass Attack
Nintendo Month! Part 1 of 4!
Hello dear blogosphere and welcome to NINTENDO MONTH! Yes from now until mid June, I will be reviewing the best, and indeed the very WORST of what my favorite gaming company has to offer.
At least that's what I THOUGHT. Until someone pointed out that this is a GAME review blog. So I didn't actually have to watch Captain N: The Game Master or The Legend of Zelda cartoon.
After untying the hostages and removing the barrel of the gun from my temple, I looked at what I had cued up for the month. I found at the top of the pile Kirby: Mass Attack!
Kirby! Nintendo's Pink Powerhouse! I play a LOT of his games! I've loved all the ones I've played! He's even my primary character in Super Smash Bros. Melee! How can this possibly disappoint me!!!
The game is controlled mostly via touchscreen.
WELL THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG!!!
You realize the system has BUTTONS right, Edward StylusHands? You use the touchscreen to do EXTRA stuff! It's not a goddamn IPhone!
From this and my Sonic Chronicles review you have probably guessed I am not a HUGE fan of touchscreen based control. It never works ever, at least for me. It also pisses me off that it's putting hard working A-buttons out of work!
The premise of this game is that Kirby (walking pink marshmallow and defender of DreamLand) is attacked by a big black cloud of evil that breaks his power into ten bodies and gets rid of nine. The only way you can regain the bodies is by.... Eating.......fruit.
If you are playing a Kirby game for gripping story you need to check yourself into some kind of institution.
Yes you can control up to TEN Kirbys in this game. You lead them around with the touchscreen like dogs on a leash.
THIS IS NOT IMMERSION. Immersion is when you are playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and you actually scream "DIE DIE DIE!" at the screen and then you look out the window and you realize it's four days later.
I'm not controlling Kirby! I'm controlling his little guide that tells him where to go! The intro even SAYS that!
Wouldn't it be awesome if in Ocarina of Time, instead of controlling Link, you were controlling the little insufferable FAIRY the whole time?!? Wouldn't that be the best game since Heroes of Mana?!?!
Then there is the combat......
OH GOD, THE COMBAT.
The combat consists of you frantically tapping on an enemy and then all ten Kirbys pile on and pummel it to death. As funny as that SOUNDS (and it sounds really, REALLY funny) it never frigging WORKS.
You end up with two Kirbys pummeling the enemy, three trying to phase through a wall, one staring off into space trying to remember where he lives, and four DEAD because another enemy has snuck up and EATEN THEM ALL.
The combat is atrocious, the music is irritating, and there are plenty of other Kirby titles that use BUTTONS, JUST AS GOD INTENDED YOU MOUTHBREATHING HEATHENS! BURN, BURN FOR YOUR SINS AG---
Happy place....... Happy place.....
Well Nintendo Month is off to a flying start! You know what, I'm being pessimistic. I'm sure it can only get better from here!
NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD.
All right lady sit your ass back down! Where the hell did I put the gun?!?
Hello dear blogosphere and welcome to NINTENDO MONTH! Yes from now until mid June, I will be reviewing the best, and indeed the very WORST of what my favorite gaming company has to offer.
At least that's what I THOUGHT. Until someone pointed out that this is a GAME review blog. So I didn't actually have to watch Captain N: The Game Master or The Legend of Zelda cartoon.
After untying the hostages and removing the barrel of the gun from my temple, I looked at what I had cued up for the month. I found at the top of the pile Kirby: Mass Attack!
Kirby! Nintendo's Pink Powerhouse! I play a LOT of his games! I've loved all the ones I've played! He's even my primary character in Super Smash Bros. Melee! How can this possibly disappoint me!!!
The game is controlled mostly via touchscreen.
WELL THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG!!!
You realize the system has BUTTONS right, Edward StylusHands? You use the touchscreen to do EXTRA stuff! It's not a goddamn IPhone!
From this and my Sonic Chronicles review you have probably guessed I am not a HUGE fan of touchscreen based control. It never works ever, at least for me. It also pisses me off that it's putting hard working A-buttons out of work!
The premise of this game is that Kirby (walking pink marshmallow and defender of DreamLand) is attacked by a big black cloud of evil that breaks his power into ten bodies and gets rid of nine. The only way you can regain the bodies is by.... Eating.......fruit.
If you are playing a Kirby game for gripping story you need to check yourself into some kind of institution.
Yes you can control up to TEN Kirbys in this game. You lead them around with the touchscreen like dogs on a leash.
THIS IS NOT IMMERSION. Immersion is when you are playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and you actually scream "DIE DIE DIE!" at the screen and then you look out the window and you realize it's four days later.
I'm not controlling Kirby! I'm controlling his little guide that tells him where to go! The intro even SAYS that!
Wouldn't it be awesome if in Ocarina of Time, instead of controlling Link, you were controlling the little insufferable FAIRY the whole time?!? Wouldn't that be the best game since Heroes of Mana?!?!
Then there is the combat......
OH GOD, THE COMBAT.
The combat consists of you frantically tapping on an enemy and then all ten Kirbys pile on and pummel it to death. As funny as that SOUNDS (and it sounds really, REALLY funny) it never frigging WORKS.
You end up with two Kirbys pummeling the enemy, three trying to phase through a wall, one staring off into space trying to remember where he lives, and four DEAD because another enemy has snuck up and EATEN THEM ALL.
The combat is atrocious, the music is irritating, and there are plenty of other Kirby titles that use BUTTONS, JUST AS GOD INTENDED YOU MOUTHBREATHING HEATHENS! BURN, BURN FOR YOUR SINS AG---
Happy place....... Happy place.....
Well Nintendo Month is off to a flying start! You know what, I'm being pessimistic. I'm sure it can only get better from here!
NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD.
All right lady sit your ass back down! Where the hell did I put the gun?!?
Monday, May 14, 2012
Final Fantasy IV
THE QUEST FOR A JRPG COMPLETE !!!
Yes it's finally time! Time for me to take on Square Enix's ongoing Final Fantasy series! I have been a huge fan of this series since 2003! I was twelve and my mom decided to purchase a shiny new PlayStation 2 and three games. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Final Fantasy VII, and Final Fantasy X.
Two of those games were fun and filled with a decent story.
The other was Final Fantasy X.
After THOSE painful memories reentered my brain and I went on my twelve hour killing spree, I calmed myself with thoughts of VII and IX and put the card in the slot.
The main character's name is Cecil. As I watched the opening cinematic I wonder which school of Final Fantasy Hero he had graduated from.
The Squall Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but getting better later in the game?
The Cloud Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but making up for it by being an unlicensed badass? (In my opinion, anyway. :P)
The Tidus Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle and just generally sucking?
I was hoping for a very rare ZIDANE Academy Alumnus. Not being a whiny emo douchenozzle AT ALL.
What I GOT was the next best thing.
The Cecil Academy. Being a whiny emo douchenozzle for reasons I can't actually argue with.
The first MINUTE of the game has him walking into a kingdom. Slaughtering all the guards and civilians, and taking their magical thingy. Then leaving.
It becomes clear that he is "only following orders," but he knows thats no excuse.
He is then sent on yet another mission from his king. Take this ring to the village up north. No harm right?
On the way they run into, and kill, a dragon.
When they GET to the village the ring begins to glow, and then release monsters that burn the village to the ground.
Cecil also realizes that by killing the dragon, he has also killed a nine year old's mother.
Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!
What you end up getting is a character who feels LEGITIMATELY tortured. He goes on a very believable, very compelling tale of redemption.
This is obviously what was SUPPOSED to happen with Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII, but she was to busy flashing her 2010 Tidus Academy class ring for that to work.
Then of course there is Golbez, the games villain. Only three methods for Final Fantasy villains.
Sephiroph Academy: I have white hair and a sunken expression. I am probably a clone and am slowly dying.
Seymour Academy: My brand of evil is simply FABULOUUUUS!!!
Chaos Academy: ME BIG SCARY DEMON!!! BLARG BLARG BLARG!!!!
Golbez comes in nearer to the last category than anything else. He's seven feet tall. Covered in giant imposing spiked black armor. He can't have five SECONDS on screen without twisting his curly mustache. He is that kind of threatening that almost makes you giggle.
The gameplay is turn based fun. Ive gone into this in the last three reviews. No need to do so again.
Make no mistake this game DOES have its flaws. Mostly the standard stuff from Square Enix.
You've got the dialogue! Written by monkeys who were given a dictionary and seven bottles of Bacardi 151! ("You spoony bard!")
Of course, you can't have a square game without your "What the living hell is going on," moments.
You've got your voyage to space, your traveling pompom bear rabbit, your riding chickens, but those are all par for the course.
No, what sets this game apart in terms of mindf$@ks are the DANCERS.
In almost every town you enter you will see a woman with pink hair and a modest red dress. Talk to her and she will ask if you want to watch her "practice."
Accept and she will immediately strip down to her undergarments and dance on the nearest table or in the nearest body of water.
Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!
You can hire a lap dance! I was going to do a spit take, but I was holding my $169.99 Black Friday Special Nintendo 3DS, so I just dribbled Sprite out of my nose!
Overall though a definite recommend. The characters are likable. The gameplay is fun. And the story is pretty gripping. Get your hands on it if you can.
I also recommend brutally killing anyone in a Tidus cosplay. Now if you will excuse me, thinking about FFX has brought back the VOICES!!!
Yes it's finally time! Time for me to take on Square Enix's ongoing Final Fantasy series! I have been a huge fan of this series since 2003! I was twelve and my mom decided to purchase a shiny new PlayStation 2 and three games. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Final Fantasy VII, and Final Fantasy X.
Two of those games were fun and filled with a decent story.
The other was Final Fantasy X.
After THOSE painful memories reentered my brain and I went on my twelve hour killing spree, I calmed myself with thoughts of VII and IX and put the card in the slot.
The main character's name is Cecil. As I watched the opening cinematic I wonder which school of Final Fantasy Hero he had graduated from.
The Squall Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but getting better later in the game?
The Cloud Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but making up for it by being an unlicensed badass? (In my opinion, anyway. :P)
The Tidus Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle and just generally sucking?
I was hoping for a very rare ZIDANE Academy Alumnus. Not being a whiny emo douchenozzle AT ALL.
What I GOT was the next best thing.
The Cecil Academy. Being a whiny emo douchenozzle for reasons I can't actually argue with.
The first MINUTE of the game has him walking into a kingdom. Slaughtering all the guards and civilians, and taking their magical thingy. Then leaving.
It becomes clear that he is "only following orders," but he knows thats no excuse.
He is then sent on yet another mission from his king. Take this ring to the village up north. No harm right?
On the way they run into, and kill, a dragon.
When they GET to the village the ring begins to glow, and then release monsters that burn the village to the ground.
Cecil also realizes that by killing the dragon, he has also killed a nine year old's mother.
Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!
What you end up getting is a character who feels LEGITIMATELY tortured. He goes on a very believable, very compelling tale of redemption.
This is obviously what was SUPPOSED to happen with Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII, but she was to busy flashing her 2010 Tidus Academy class ring for that to work.
Then of course there is Golbez, the games villain. Only three methods for Final Fantasy villains.
Sephiroph Academy: I have white hair and a sunken expression. I am probably a clone and am slowly dying.
Seymour Academy: My brand of evil is simply FABULOUUUUS!!!
Chaos Academy: ME BIG SCARY DEMON!!! BLARG BLARG BLARG!!!!
Golbez comes in nearer to the last category than anything else. He's seven feet tall. Covered in giant imposing spiked black armor. He can't have five SECONDS on screen without twisting his curly mustache. He is that kind of threatening that almost makes you giggle.
The gameplay is turn based fun. Ive gone into this in the last three reviews. No need to do so again.
Make no mistake this game DOES have its flaws. Mostly the standard stuff from Square Enix.
You've got the dialogue! Written by monkeys who were given a dictionary and seven bottles of Bacardi 151! ("You spoony bard!")
Of course, you can't have a square game without your "What the living hell is going on," moments.
You've got your voyage to space, your traveling pompom bear rabbit, your riding chickens, but those are all par for the course.
No, what sets this game apart in terms of mindf$@ks are the DANCERS.
In almost every town you enter you will see a woman with pink hair and a modest red dress. Talk to her and she will ask if you want to watch her "practice."
Accept and she will immediately strip down to her undergarments and dance on the nearest table or in the nearest body of water.
Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!
You can hire a lap dance! I was going to do a spit take, but I was holding my $169.99 Black Friday Special Nintendo 3DS, so I just dribbled Sprite out of my nose!
Overall though a definite recommend. The characters are likable. The gameplay is fun. And the story is pretty gripping. Get your hands on it if you can.
I also recommend brutally killing anyone in a Tidus cosplay. Now if you will excuse me, thinking about FFX has brought back the VOICES!!!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
THE QUEST FOR A JRPG! PART 3:
The quest had left me despondent. I had been roaming through the desert of "Almost JRPGs" and my goal, the shining brilliant mountain of Final Fantasy IV, laid a two days walk away.
In my travel across the wasteland I only had Sonic Chronicles to use for sustenance which, while not actively poisonous, did not satisfy.
I was also mauled by a Six-tailed giant scorpion known to the locals as "Heroes of Mana." Said to have the ability to drive a man to madness, the beast left me near death and with little hope of reaching the mountain.
And then a miracle!
I came across a tiny oasis in the desert! Filled with a pool of decent gameplay! Fruits of a good story! It wasn't the mountain! But it would sustain me until I reached my goal!
.............
I wonder if it's a crime to kill a metaphor.
Mario is no stranger to the turn based RPG. Starting with Super Mario RPG for the SNES, continuing through the Paper Mario series and culminating here in Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story.
I hinted in my last review that I have never seen the Mario Brothers to deliver a bad game, and this one is certainly no exception. It's not QUITE what I was looking for, but it would do for now.
The game starts with a tiny Toad (the mushroom people who populate the mushroom kingdom) returning home to his family. His mother instructs him to go get his father down to dinner.
He bursts down the stairs in sudden shock. His father has contracted......
THE BLORBS!!!
............
That's a funny name for a horrible disease....
Yes the Blorbs! A disease unique to Toads, it makes the patient grow to a giant sphere shape and roll away.
Princess Peach Toadstool holds a council to find a solution to the epidemic.
It's a problem in the Mushroom Kingdom! CALL IN THE MARIO BROTHERS!
Mario and Luigi go to see what they can do about the problem, unfortunately they are closely followed by Bowser. The evil king of the Koopa, a race of turtles who wish to destroy the Toads and take over the Mushroom Kingdo--- Okay I know how goofy this sounds just bear with me (ROOOWRR)
SHUT UP BOSKOV!
Long story short. Bowser gets beat. Winds up in the forest. Meets a salesman who gives him a magic mushroom that allows him to suck Mario and Luigi down into his body.
The salesman is actually Fawful. He's.... Imagine if a snow pea became a mad scientist. He spread the Blorbs to take over the Mushroom Kingdom. He also tricked Bowser into eating the "Vacuum Shroom" in order to get the Brothers AND the Koopa King out of the way.
Believe it or not, this gets even MORE complicated, but for the rest you'll just have to play the game.
Gameplay is turn based combat, with a couple of twists. Each character is assigned a button (Luigi B, Mario A, Bowser X,Y). A lot of the damage you do depends on timing. The best part is that if you're playing the game 100% perfectly you will NEVER take a hit.
Every time an enemy launches an attack you are given the opportunity to dodge or deflect. This happens with EVERY ENEMY ATTACK. However it's harder than it sounds. Like everything else in this game, it requires precise timing.
I'm being to nice. I need to nitpick something...
The goddamn minigames are a nice fat target!
Every once in a while Bowser will need to do something in the outside world that requires some form of muscle stimulus. Mario and Luigi (being inside his body) must perform said stimulus. This usually requires hitting colored orbs at the muscle. This is a fiery pain in the ass. It requires the timing of Big Ben, and the patience of JOB. It gets REALLY grating REALLY fast.
It's definitely not a deal breaker. Pick this game up if you want a very fun (if a little strange) adventure.
But I had to put it aside.
I heard a thud at the door. I ran to see what had happened.
I saw a package from Amazon.com. I had reached the summit.
The quest had left me despondent. I had been roaming through the desert of "Almost JRPGs" and my goal, the shining brilliant mountain of Final Fantasy IV, laid a two days walk away.
In my travel across the wasteland I only had Sonic Chronicles to use for sustenance which, while not actively poisonous, did not satisfy.
I was also mauled by a Six-tailed giant scorpion known to the locals as "Heroes of Mana." Said to have the ability to drive a man to madness, the beast left me near death and with little hope of reaching the mountain.
And then a miracle!
I came across a tiny oasis in the desert! Filled with a pool of decent gameplay! Fruits of a good story! It wasn't the mountain! But it would sustain me until I reached my goal!
.............
I wonder if it's a crime to kill a metaphor.
Mario is no stranger to the turn based RPG. Starting with Super Mario RPG for the SNES, continuing through the Paper Mario series and culminating here in Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story.
I hinted in my last review that I have never seen the Mario Brothers to deliver a bad game, and this one is certainly no exception. It's not QUITE what I was looking for, but it would do for now.
The game starts with a tiny Toad (the mushroom people who populate the mushroom kingdom) returning home to his family. His mother instructs him to go get his father down to dinner.
He bursts down the stairs in sudden shock. His father has contracted......
THE BLORBS!!!
............
That's a funny name for a horrible disease....
Yes the Blorbs! A disease unique to Toads, it makes the patient grow to a giant sphere shape and roll away.
Princess Peach Toadstool holds a council to find a solution to the epidemic.
It's a problem in the Mushroom Kingdom! CALL IN THE MARIO BROTHERS!
Mario and Luigi go to see what they can do about the problem, unfortunately they are closely followed by Bowser. The evil king of the Koopa, a race of turtles who wish to destroy the Toads and take over the Mushroom Kingdo--- Okay I know how goofy this sounds just bear with me (ROOOWRR)
SHUT UP BOSKOV!
Long story short. Bowser gets beat. Winds up in the forest. Meets a salesman who gives him a magic mushroom that allows him to suck Mario and Luigi down into his body.
The salesman is actually Fawful. He's.... Imagine if a snow pea became a mad scientist. He spread the Blorbs to take over the Mushroom Kingdom. He also tricked Bowser into eating the "Vacuum Shroom" in order to get the Brothers AND the Koopa King out of the way.
Believe it or not, this gets even MORE complicated, but for the rest you'll just have to play the game.
Gameplay is turn based combat, with a couple of twists. Each character is assigned a button (Luigi B, Mario A, Bowser X,Y). A lot of the damage you do depends on timing. The best part is that if you're playing the game 100% perfectly you will NEVER take a hit.
Every time an enemy launches an attack you are given the opportunity to dodge or deflect. This happens with EVERY ENEMY ATTACK. However it's harder than it sounds. Like everything else in this game, it requires precise timing.
I'm being to nice. I need to nitpick something...
The goddamn minigames are a nice fat target!
Every once in a while Bowser will need to do something in the outside world that requires some form of muscle stimulus. Mario and Luigi (being inside his body) must perform said stimulus. This usually requires hitting colored orbs at the muscle. This is a fiery pain in the ass. It requires the timing of Big Ben, and the patience of JOB. It gets REALLY grating REALLY fast.
It's definitely not a deal breaker. Pick this game up if you want a very fun (if a little strange) adventure.
But I had to put it aside.
I heard a thud at the door. I ran to see what had happened.
I saw a package from Amazon.com. I had reached the summit.
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