Dust

Hello all! And happy thanksgiving! During this festive season I would like to give thanks to independent gaming. With constant remakes and sequels, plaguing video game shelves it's hard not to think that gaming industry bigwigs are worthless parasites less scrupulous than Fehrengi, who only survive off of profit but have no clue as to how to earn more.

So thank you XBox Live Arcade for games like Dust made by companies run out of someone's basement. Thus keeping the industry a little more original and me a little more snobby!

Well not quite, I cannot, as my critical senses would allow me, to call this game better than most of the mainstream titles I've played, or even particularly that GOOD.

We have gotten to the question back in my Metroid: Other M review. Is it story or gameplay that makes a game good. I always stick with gameplay and while the story is very well written, the characters are likable, and the dialogue is solid, I would rather watch someone ELSE play it than do it myself.

Taking place in a world of anthropomorphic animals, you are a cat named Dust with a case of amnesia, and a rocking samurai sunhat. You are given a magic talking sword and a fox-pixie (or "Nimbat") decides to help you on your quest to fill in the missing links in your memory.

Now when you heard "Fairly like assist character that helps a main hero with a magic sword and funny hat" you all thought of Navi, from Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and there is now a you-shaped hole in the wall as you sprint for the hills to live out your life as a turnip farmer.

However I have apparently entered the Star Trek Mirror-verse because she is by far the best character in the game. Her light and happy attitude serves well to keep Dust's angst under control, god knows the gloomy bastard needs it. She looks adorable, has an adorable voice.....

And she helps in the repetitive and boring as spit combat.

This game claims to be an RPG and I reject that. It requires absolutely no strategy at all. It is merely a sidescroller hack and slash with no direction and an upgrade system that's completely useless.

I have played on ALL THREE DIFFICULTIES. The ONLY difference between them is the size of the enemy hoards. To hurt them, smack them in the face, to stunlock them, smack them in the face, to fight bigger monsters, parry their attack, THEN smack them in the face.

Over and over and over and over and over and over AGAIN. I spent 45 MINUTES doing NOTHING but face smacking. There is a special move where you whip the sword around while the pixie shoots magic sparkles that get made into a tornado, but it is usually useless, and it leaves you vulnerable from behind.

Oh I'm sorry, you will have to use it to solve puzzles while you are going on the SEVERAL BILLION FETCH AND RESCUE QUESTS YOU WILL HAVE TO GO ON!!

It's really amazing, there is ALWAYS some idiot villager who lost his fathers pocketwatch at SpikyDeathMonster Junction or (and this is a real one) TOLD A CHILD TO DO HIS LAUNDRY IN MONSTER INFESTED WOODS AND LEFT HIS ASS THERE, and it is (of course) up to YOU to pull their ass out of the fire, because with the lost memory, swarming monsters, AND an oppressive and racially prejudiced empire on the prowl, it's not like there is anything more IMPORTANT you could be handling.

So yeah, as a video game Dust is a really good.... TV show. Watch it with a friend who's willing to press buttons to make f*ck all happen.

Next time, I enter into the wonderful world of Top Hats, Intellect, and insane puzzle obsessed British people.

Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies

Hello all! I know it's been a while but I had to go vote! For the first time ever! Woot!

This election was SO significant too! Two years ago the democrats had the senate, the republicans had the house and Barack Obama was in the white house!

NOW.... The democrats who have the senate, the republicans have the house, and Barack Obama is in the white house!

.................

To quote the immortal Phil Hartman "If you ask me this entire operation has been one big Wank-A-Thon."

Another reason I haven't been blogging is that I've been playing the game I'm reviewing today, which should give my readers a clue to it's LENGTH if not it's quality.

My history with series is limited, I watched my brother play the last installment "Journey of the Cursed King" up until he got up to this massive glowing falcon from another dimension and then he rage quit.

........ These games are weird.

Actually this game seems to be trying to break the oppressive rule of the madness goblin by making the main plotline very loose. You are a Celestrian, a guardian angel who is tasked to do good deeds to all the people you meet. In return Nine (my name for my main character) receives a material known as benevolessence which he offers up to Ygdrassil the world tree daily.

The day of reckoning finally arrives when the world tree starts to bear fruit (as prophesied) and makes the kingdom of angels explode. (which was not)

You are flung to the earth below and made mortal, to investigate what happened, the possible betrayal of the Almighty, and the strange effects of the mysterious "Fyggs"

Now, you probably just heard "turn based JRPG where the villain may or may not be a false and selfish god" and thought of Final Fantasy X and have locked yourself in the pantry so no one gets hurt this time, but trust me when I say it will be fine. Mostly because the hero doesn't talk.

That's not all, either. You see this game works like Final Fantasy 1 in which you hire party members of different classes to assist on your journey. Or if you're like me you can fully create and customize your own ragtag group of quirky but effective adventurers with only the personality and backstory that you GIVE them.

MY cast of a Joss Whedon primetime fantasy series is:

NINE: The main hero. Though normally happy-go-lucky (and somewhat of a dope), he can't help but feel he and his people have been betrayed, but the other Celestrians don't seem to see it....

SHARONA: Cleric in training, she met nine in an old abandoned temple researching discarded runes. Nine and her soon became fast friends after she stopped threatening him with a stick of bamboo.

Sahmjaii: The Nomad Mage met Nine on the road. His unfamiliar garments caused Nine to attack out of sudden panic at which point Sam turned Nine into a lemur. Calming down Nine asked for his company on the journey.

Michael: The gentleman thief tried to hold up our heroes at knife point but gave up after Sharona put him through a tree. Some time later he saved the team from a vicious Skeleton with a well placed knife to the spine. He agreed to join, if, and only if, he was assured proper payment.

See? This is a lot of fun! You are more in control of the characters because you WRITE them as you go along! Some people may look upon that as a negative, if you do you are the kind of uncreative spod who liked the Mass Effect 3 endings, OR the original Little Shop of Horrors ending, mostly out of a lack of sense for Logic, Tone, and general story structure.

Sorry, sorry, that wasn't fair of me. It's just MY kind of thing, that's all. Also I do get why a lot of people like the original Little Shop ending, you're still WRONG but I get WHY...

As for ME3 if you thought those endings were good storytelling you are an orangutan mutant from the Planet Stupid, plain and simple.

I'm getting off topic. All in all, a must buy. Good story, good gameplay, GREAT customization and atmosphere, it's just an all around fun experience.


Next time, an indie game! I get to put on my snobbery hat! Hooray indie gaming snobbiness! Until next time, ashes to ashes everybody!!

Perfect Dark

Be afraid...

Be VERY afraid.

Not because the game is BAD... It's really not. It's just that if I am reviewing a first person shooter you can bet your ass you can't count on me, my opinion will be tainted by how much I suck at them.

I am TERRIBLE at these games! I keep forgetting that you don't turn with the same stick you move with, and than a guy 2 feet behind me flicks pebbles at me as I merrily sidestep around the terrorist compound.

So when I say that I like THIS kind of shooter better that things like Halo or Call of Duty it means absolutely nothing, just that THIS games plot and atmosphere got me past that particular mental defect.

Now, I know this game originally came for the N64, but it has been rereleased for the XBox Live Arcade, so I'm counting it as a modern generation game, which brings me to my first criticism. Boy this current generation game has terrible graphics! What do they think this is the N64?!

This is the kind of shooter where there are 65 BILLION TRILLION guns, all of them completely loopy. There are guns that shoot bullets, guns that shoot lasers, guns that shoot explosives, guns that shoot a missile with a little camera in it that can be guided into an enemies nostril.....

And one gun that has a whirring grinder on the front and fires 65 billion tiny pellets of condensed DIE, while you can run up and hack people to death with the Grinder.

In game it is called, "The Reaper". I call it "Sweetness" or "My fiancée."

The plot is as if a James Bond film had lost all sense of control. You play as sexy secret agent Joanna Dark, who I like a lot better than Samus. Mostly because Joanna Dark has a character. It's Pierce Brosnan's James Bond, but it's still a likable character.

There's more than that to her though. She always gives off the impression that she honestly can't believe she's survived this long. She's also usually seems slightly irritated by everything, but just enough to make it funny and not grindingly annoying.

When I say "Bond Movie that lost all sense of control" I mean you start off infiltrating an evil Corporation, in that office building you rescue a computer that's learned how to love, and six missions later you are infiltrating Area 51 to save an alien informant. Then you find out that the Evil corporation is working for killer space lizards.

I swear to god, it NEVER jumps the shark. I am DEAD serious. It all flows together. You never feel the flow break. Area 51, Space Lizards and all.

I resolve to find a flaw in every game I review, so let me take you back to the guns for a moment. This game has the very worst sniper rifle in all of shooters. I want a slight zoom to better hit my target not to be able to count all the skin cells on the bridge of my targets nose. Because at that point I'm usually a great threat to a patch of sand while the guards kill the person I'm supposed protect.

It's about $15 on the XBLA and it's definitely worth the price. I mentioned last time it was an old favorite of my brother's and I can see why. It's fun, exciting and has a female protagonist who is well developed and REALLY likable. Pick it up if you've got a chance.

Next time we take a break from the sane world of Area 51, a female James Bond, and hostile Space Lizards, and dive back into the howler monkey cage that is JRPG territory.

Metroid: Other M

This game can tell you a lot about a game critic. It really depends on how they put their opinion, either the game is only okay because the gameplay is alright or it's only ok because the story is absolute wank.

It really tells you weather it is gameplay or story that's more important to them. It has always been MY opinion that as long as I'm having FUN, I can deal with terrible characters and forgotten plotlines, that is why it is called a GAME after all...

So let me conclude this introduction by saying that Metroid Other M is kind of crap.

Let's start with my cherished gameplay, it's competently run for the most part. So it basically moves Metroid's classic 2D run and gunning and moves it to 3D rather sloppily. Every movement feels off, every shot delayed, the climbing mechanic fells weird, but all of that COULD be my hardware and not a fault of the actual GAME (though I doubt it).

What IS a fault of the game is the missiles.

You have to switch from a third person perspective to a first person perspective to fire them. Which, on it's own, feels about as natural as a styrofoam Twinkie , but it also aims by pointing the controller at the screen.

Do me a favor, get a bar of soap. Put the soap under warm water for one minute, once that is done, grasp it with both hands and attempt to crush it flat.

I'll wait.

........….

You have undoubtedly come back after realizing that this is fucking impossible. Congratulations. I have now given you the Metroid: Other M Missile Experience. Now if only the soap was as breathtakingly dumb as the main character.

Samus Aran is probably one of the most respected female protagonists currently in the media, so why in the name of god did they give her to Team Ninja.

Team Ninja is famous for two game franchises. Ninja Gaiden, famous for excessive gore, and Dead Or Alive, famous for more than excessive cleavage.

I have a rule. If a female character is fun, and well developed I will look upon her physique as a bonus, otherwise I look upon it as ungodly IRRITATING.

However I can recognize that Team Ninja are in fact, trying to distance themselves from that. The scary thing is that THEY THINK THAT THIS IS WHAT CHARACTERIZATION OF WOMEN LOOKS LIKE!!!!

Apparently it is a woman, constantly whining, freaking out for no reason, and not doing anything, including something that could save her life in dire situations, without express permission from a man.

The man in question is Adam Malkovich, who was established in earlier games.

In those games he was Samus's Ex CO, established as a complete Badass, tough as nails, and generally a figure worthy of my respect. He also had the habit of calling Samus "Lady" on missions, but it was made clear that that was a mark of respect to his agent, not a slam against her.

In THIS game, he is a massive, unlikable, stupid, joyless, cowardly, chauvinist, prick basket.

Also, while in previous games an attraction was subtly IMPLIED, here Samus spends most of her time begging god that Adam asks her to the goddam PROM!!!!!

In conclusion, please, purchase Metroid Prime, or Metroid: Fusion, or ANY OTHER GAME IN THE FRANCHISE. Just do NOT give any money to this heinous insult to the female character as an art form and otherwise kind of annoying game.

Next time, were going to need to get a better example of a female protagonist, so I'm going to look at an old favorite of my brother's!

Halloween Special

Happy Belated Halloween readers! I bet you're wondering what I'm looking at in celebration of this spooky and spectacular holiday.

Well the inspiration, weirdly enough came from Facebook.

In this world of social media it has become impossible to lose touch with someone. Every friend that you, let's be fair, grow out of can easily find you. And sure, they were a barrel of fun at ten years old.... But then they never STOPPED being ten years old and you grew up. You'll look back at the early days with nostalgia, but it mostly depresses you, knowing he grew up into someone you don't want to know.

This reminded me of Resident Evil.

The recent titles of the Resident Evil franchise have been looked upon with much deserved scorn. Mostly for impenetrable plots and horrible characters. However people forget the first game which was quite exceptional and rests proudly on my top ten favorite games list.

You are one of two members of a group of investigators checking out a house in the suburbs of Raccoon City. You soon discover that the house is infested by zombies and GOD knows what else.

You can either play as Jill Valentine, the Hot, intelligent, gun wielding character, or Chris Redfield, the dumb, douche haired, knife wielding plank of balsa wood.

So you see how HE lasted this long and now is the main character!

I know of no one who picked Chris, because as soon as you get to your first zombie you had to get it's very hungry mouth right net to your very chewy neck, because Mr. Thickness didn't bring a GUN to the monster infested death mansion.

The reason why this game worked was because of the fact that it was scary in a way that usually isn't for me, I.E. Jump scares. Sure you know that something will leap from a cupboard to attack you but there are eight different cupboards, seven filled with innocent kittens and one filled with the giant attic dwelling viper, spoiler alert.

It's also the first "every action has consequences game I've ever seen. Open the wrong door at the wrong time and the hallway you have passed through fifty times already will permanently have wall to wall carpeting made of giant spiders.

The zombies are actually the least interesting thing about game. They get out shined by the snake, the spiders, the dogs, Audrey II, and the alligator dog thing keeping you from leaving the house.

And that's the thing, it FELT like a horror-action game, it was MEANT to scare you. Resident Evil 5 was an action game, meant to suck. It's a game worth a replay....

BUT I've been spoiled by CurrentGeneration graphics and I can't look at it anymore.

This is a game that BADLY needs a graphical update, mostly so that the zombies don't look like drippy origami men.

Also so that I can recapture the spirit of that treasured period in my life and not look at Resident Evil 6 and see somebody that I used to know.

And now that that song is stuck in your head and mine, I will bid you a buenos Dia de Los Muertos and bid farewell!

(But'cha didn't have to cuuuut me off..)

Sonic Colors

We hereby commemorate Sonic The Hedgehog's body to the earth, after having all likability beaten out of him by the Sega corporation. Yea Sonic fans, do not fear. Gaming in general is the only medium that's actually constantly getting better. So even though one of our favorite gaming franchises is dead we will press on. What we must NOT do, my friends, is continue to buy games that bear his name in vain and post upon their boxes a hideous desecration of his corpse.

It's gotten somewhat depressing for an ex Sonic fan. Mostly because I'm keeping current Sonic fans from playing in traffic and away from anything sharper than dessert gelatin. His demise began in 2003 with his Redesign, which got rid of his pudge and instead made him look like an incredibly perturbed anime bobblehead doll.

However the quality of the games never dipped, and I list Sonic Advance as one of my favorite games of all time. No the final nail in Sonic's blue speedy coffin with a game that was meant to reboot the entire franchise cleverly entitled "Sonic the Hedgehog". It had control issues in the same way that Jeffrey Dahlmer was a little off, and a story that was so bloody impenetrable it is impossible to explain without visual aids and several swear words I am uncomfortable using knowing my mom reads this blog.

It is considered to be one of the worst video games of all time, but you drooling idiots still bought it didn't you? That's how they made 2 Wii titles no one has heard of and Sonic Unleashed the earthly avatar of Satan.

Since then we have had 2 Types of Sonic games the Barely Passable, and the Crap.

I am proud to say with Sonic Colors we have a THIRD category! The barely passable crap!!

I'm playing the Nintendo DS version, not the apparently "better" Console edition. Though I call bullshit on "better." Because if Sonic 2006 and Unleashed proved anything it's that trying to control Sonic in a 3D is like firing a rocket down an AC vent and asking it very politely not to hit the walls.

So we have this monkey house of a DS game. In every aspect of this game there is one, and only ONE flaw. If any one of those things were the only flaw of the game, the game would have been actually decent, all of them TOGETHER makes an experience as frustrating as watching Attack of the Clones and suppressing your thirst for blood.

The level design is very creative, I don't see how you can go wrong with a theme park in space. The main problem is THAT I NOTICED.

Look level designers, I know you hate Sonic games. I get that it is frustrating to have no one appreciate your work because they are rocketing past it at Mach 12, but the solution to that is most certainly not to make every level a towering behemoth that no one wants to stand under for fear it may drop on them.

Another thing that level designers shouldn't do unless they want to spite the player is coat all the platforms in butter that has itself been coated in KY jelly. You slide for a long period after you stop pressing the button. Usually off a cliff, into spikes, or into the loving arms of a hostile robot fire hydrant.

The boss fights are too easy. Unless it's the second one in which case the game promises to replace your DS because you undoubtedly ate the last one.

But the main problem with this game, and indeed all Sonic games, is that it stars Modern Sonic who is a complete ASS HAT. He speaks in that horrible "Cool guy" voice that makes me want to stab him to death with his own quills. His dialogue was written by the WiseCrack-O-Tron 5000. And I don't understand how his MASSIVE TUMOROUS HEAD upon stickman body doesn't snap his 90's style obnoxious wisecracking neck.

As I said before, Sonic is dead. And buried. This hideous Frankenstein's monster Cinos the Porcupine isn't going to convince me he's not. Before you ask, no I haven't played generations yet and I'm not going too. Even if it's shimmering gold I will not touch it with a ten foot pole because if I keep doing this I may as well go to the Danbury cemetery and play "Weekend at Bernie's" with my Civil War vet ancestors.

Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance.

Uhhhhh...,,

It's kind of... No....

Ok. My very first published Review was Kingdom Hearts: 365/2 Days. IN that review I said it would take a five BILLION word document to talk about all the necessary backstory you'd need to get what's going on. Otherwise it's like in the series premier of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine where Captain Sisko attempts to explain linear time to creatures with no concept of it (Keyblade, what is this?).

That review came off as negative and I claimed it was mostly because of shoddy gameplay issues, and while they were certainly present my main issue with that game was in its story. It focused on a character I don't particularly like, and REALLY don't give an airborne crap about.

However I also claimed I was a fan of of the series and I defiantly am, and that is MOSTLY because of the overall plot. It's an incredibly well written fantasy story that, and I know how batshit this sounds, seamlessly blends Disney Classic movies with the Final Fantasy franchise.

So when I tell fellow Kingdom Hearts Fans that this game is VERY VERY important to the story and to pick it up, they will understand, but any other of my readers will.

Without wishing to spoil at the end of the game Leonard Nimoy comes in with a trowel and a bag of cement and fills in all of the series' plotholes.

If you are new to the series however, I would recommend playing the other games first. Not that you won't know the story. This game gives you more reading material than the most vindictive Private School. I have never played a game I've had to study in order to understand what the hell is going on.

So that's my long winded delve into this portion of the story, how about we move onto the actual GAME part. Specifically two game mechanics that do an interpretive dance of War & Peace all over my very last nerve.

The game focuses on two protagonists Likable, well developed, well written, joyful Sora, who of course all the fanbase hates, and depressive, annoying, formulaic Riku, who everyone in the fanbase wants to have sex with.

This is a symptom of a disease that a lot of JRPG fans have. Mistaking interminable whining with characterization.

Riku is one of the most unlikable characters in gaming, and that wouldn't bother me so much if his fans weren't EVERYWHERE. They hate Sora because they believe if he enjoys life he isn't "Deep" enough.

Riku did get better this game however so naturally he is now hated by his fans.

You people sicken me.

Both story lines take place at the same time which brings me to the first incredibly irritating mechanic. The Drop Meter.

The Drop Meter really yanks you out of the game. No, seriously, it yanks you out of one characters campaign and puts you in the other. You can easily go BACK, but all the enemies that you were fighting regain full health so this mechanic is probably responsible for 3DS being in impaled through household pets.

Speaking of the enemies there are two things that bother me about them:

1: You can theoretically find random knickknacks to combine together to make copies of your enemies to fight along side you, but the materials to make any of the decent monsters may as well be the dead sea scrolls for how easy they are to find.

2: They all look like escapees from Barney the Dinosaur's S&M dungeon.

Is it worth your money? Well if you're a fan yes, if not you should play the previous games first. They are some of the best games out there.

If you are a Riku fan, feel welcome to jump into a cannon filled with carnivorous lobsters to fire you into the HEART OF THE SUN.

Dynasty Warriors: GUNDAM

Let's face it. War has become boring.

Okay, certainly not to the SOLDIERS, but as a spectator sport.

Two groups of people standing on two sides of a desert firing guns at eachother, oh sure, there is the odd EXPLOSION, but we've lost the majesty of the reckless charge, the clash of armies, and the noble duel between commanders.

And the future seems to hold no cure for this, with the invention of the predator drone we may get to the point where there ARE no soldiers. All combat will be fought by remote. So we lose the romantic image of to armies racing towards eachother across the battlefield forever.....

That is until the invention of GIANT LIGHTSABER WIELDING ROBOTS!!

Yes today we are looking at the GUNDAM franchise! A line of Japanese anime series based on the very simple premise "Giant Robots Are Awesome, and War Is Hell."

It has joined with the Dynasty Warriors Franchise! A series of video games with ANOTHER simple premise "Wading Into the Enemy Army Killing Fifty Enemies At Once With One Swipe Of Your Sword Is Awesome, And War Is Hell."

I've been a fan of the GUNDAM franchise for some time now. My favorite series was "Mobile Fighter G GUNDAM." A vision of the future that has all nations of the world abandoning conventional armies and means of war in favor of selecting a representative to pilot a giant robot and entering them in a duel that is decided when one has ripped the others HEAD OFF.

That rather crass introduction may explain why I hesitate to call this a war game. I really don't know WHAT to call it. It's like every man's war fantasy. You are a hero who is absolutely VITAL to the mission at hand. The regular enemies you hack down like a slightly aggressive hedge.

No the only real threat are other unstoppable badasses on the field. With a clash of swords and an exchange of one liners an epic battle of warriors begins.

"Epic" has become like "Racist", in that the word has been used so often the true meaning usually escapes the user. So I do not the use this word lightly. This is one of the most epic games I have ever played.

I cannot describe the fist pumping awesomeness of plowing through 500 enemy goons, conquering territory after territory coming across another general, the fight taking out MORE goons just because your kickass has a blast radius, and then failing the mission because the spaceship you were supposed to be defending has drifted into enemy terrain like an unusually stupid spacefaring cow, and has been destroyed for the umpteen jillionth time.

As fun as the game is, it is NOT without it's flaws. Such as the allied AI which was apparently modeled after the Elves from the Magical Land of Stupid.

Heero is moving in to attack the enemy death beam! Shock and Awe! He's dead! Mission Failed!

There is also the fact that combat is a bit of a clusterf*ck. This is not helped by the fact that the battlefield is the relative size of Kansas and you have limited sprint. So when you find out that you have an objective on the opposite side of the map it would feel wrong to make the trek without the assistance of a covered wagon and some diseased children.

All in all, a recommendation. A perfect stress ball after a long day. Pick it up if amazon doesn't lose it in Kentucky! (Long story.)

Well I'm back in the game, off hiatus, and ready to entertain once more!

The Internet is burning red! It's whine tells me to grasp victory!!!

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Hello all! Sorry for the delays, but I'm back and ready to review yet again!

Back in my Heroes of Mana review I said that my enjoyment of games may be hindered by my SKILL. If I'm reviewing a third person shooter you can be sure I'm getting the gameplay critiques from someone else. That is because giving me a TPS is like giving a monkey a fishing rod. He won't know what to do with it, and trying to figure it out frustrates him.

So I took the opportunity to play Skyrim and I'm happy to report after five days of gameplay I am BARELY PASSABLE at a First Person Sandbox.

The Elder Scrolls series has been mostly beneath my radar. I remember two other instances with it. Someone I knew got their hands on Oblivion (the previous installment), and people complaining about flying creatures known as "Cliff Racers".

The game starts out with you being arrested. (I am told that this is a running theme throughout Elder Scrolls). Since you were caught along with the assassin of the high king you are immediately sentenced to death.

As you are being laid on the chopping block a massive dragon attacks the city. You escape to find adventure elsewhere.

After that there are SEVERAL plots, and getting into them would require me to write a four THOUSAND page volume.

Instead, let's move on to the "Need To Knows". These are.....

THE MASTER CONTROL CYNICS TIPS TO SAVORING AND SURVIVING SKYRIM:

Tip 1: Be prepared for anything.

Skyrim is fond of throwing odd things at you when you are traveling down the road. Beggars asking for coin, thieves trying to take it, merchants, and of course dragons.

A GENIUS move by the designers, fire breathing dragons can, at any time swoop from the sky without warning.

You can tell this has happened when you hear a massive roar, the music turns intense, and you are on fire.

No other game does that! In Super Mario Bros. You never see bowser swoop from the sky and TOAST your ass! It's completely awesome.

Also, know that you will piss somebody off. It's inevitable. I currently have a price on my head that the local assassins keep trying to collect. I have no idea who called the hit on me. I found the contract on a dead assassin.

TIP 2: DO NOT CHALLENGE A DRAGON WITHOUT ARROWS.

This is for two good reasons.

1) Dragons can fly.

2) Trying to kill them with melee
weapons Is like trying to bring
down the Great wall of china
with a plank of balsa wood.

Arrows carry no weight, so you can carry THOUSANDS at a time. Do so with gusto, otherwise you will look like a ninny wailing at AIR with your battle-ax running away from jets of flame.

3. EVERYTHING IS A QUEST.

I. Mean. EVERYTHING. Nothing you hear about from passing villagers will never come up again. Every villager has a story, a family, and a problem. You play every one from the Destined Hero, to a Jehovah's Witness. (That's a real one, seriously. You hand out little pamphlets.)

Definitely a full recommendation. It's worth the price of your game system. Now I have to get started on the DW: Gundam review before a drag--

FWOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!

iPhone Free Apps

We all know Angry Birds

We all know Fruit Ninja

We all know Cut The Rope.

We ALSO download a lot of useless free app games that took less time to develop than it does to make a Hot Pocket.

I have downloaded a TON of these games, and their quality varies from title to title. This review is dedicated to the six free games that have had the biggest impact on me. So, what're we waiting for? Let's get started with....

DOODLE TRUCK

You play as a delivery truck that delivers crates to all the demons in the bowels of HELL. At least that's what I assume is going on. Whoever you work for has sent you on a road that has massive gaps, mountains, and jumps.

Not to mention your truck is a pile of crap. First of all the truck bed is WIDE open. So if you go at a speed of "Moving per hour" your cargo gleefully flies out of the back of the truck! Go unmarked crates possibly containing narcotics! You're free! FREE!

Also your boss has put Nitro Glycerine in the engine, the doors, the trunk, and the wheels. ANYTHING THAT TOUCHES YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR TRUCK. A lovable kitten could rub its tiny head against one of your tires:

"Hello Mr. Truck! I'm Mittens! Will you be my fr----"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

He can't finish his sentence because the truck detonated and sent him sailing through the air. (Don't worry, the kitten I just made up is fine. He landed in an old lady's purse and now spends his time playing with her grandchildren.)

DOORS

To my UTTER disappointment you do not play as Jim Morrison as he shoots up, abandons his friends and destroys his life. No instead you are trapped in a house that has obviously been designed by The Riddler.

There are 50 doors, each one has a puzzle to open it. The difficulty varies between door. Some of them are rather easy to figure out... Some of them.....

Some of them are door 16.

I entered room 16 to discover a man passed out on the floor. Being the considerate gentleman that I am, I stepped RIGHT over his body and made my way to the door, of course it was locked. I tried every item I had on me, no dice.

So I turned back to the man on the floor. I poked him. He grunted at me. I tried using my items. Nothing. I shook my iPhone. Squat. I sacrificed a chicken under a blood moon at midnight, NOTHING WOULD FREAKING WORK.

In frustration I slammed the phone face down on the couch, and heard the door unlock.

I hurriedly picked the phone, only to discover that the door had locked on me again.

It took me a minute for me to realize that the iPhone, like the Amazing Unconscious Man, had to be FACE DOWN. I ended up having to lean back like I had the worlds worst nosebleed.

STICKMAN CLIFF DIVING

You are a stick figure Cliff Diver. You are given a trick to do. Successfully pull off said trick and the judges will not give you enough points because god hates you.

You could do seven backflips, eight frontflips, solve world hunger, cure all the world's diseases, marry a beautiful blonde girl, and have her give birth to the second coming of CHRIST, all on the way down, then hit the water at a PERFECT 45 degree angle. You will STILL be twelve points short on completing the level.

Eventually you are just making the Stickman bellyflop into the water from 100 feet up and laughing as he powderizes his sternum.

BIKE RACE

Like Doodle Truck I think this one takes place in hell…

You are a motocross bike racer. You have a track suspended in the air. Your Goal? Reach the end without dying.

........

Yeah, you race no one, the title is a complete misnomer.

Out of the six, this is the one I play most. MOSTLY because it frustrates me to the point of madness.

You are going to die, you'll die a lot, and boy is it the most humorous way possible. First of all the Motorcycle's body completely disintegrates. Gone. No where to be seen. Along with the rider. In it's place is just a cartoony puff of orange smoke. I think that's because Satan has transported the rider to The Chamber of the Horny, Intrusive Gorilla for failing the test.

"Wait MCC," you are asking, "What about the wheels?"

I'm glad you asked! The wheels, celebrating their new freedom, spin merrily away in separate directions. If you listen close, you can hear them sing 1800s Slave Spirituals!

APPLE SHOOTING

Not much to talk about here. You are.... Some kind of bastard child of Crocodile Dundee and Marlon Brando, and you try to shoot an apple of the head of someone who looks like Judas Iscariot.

That, along with the background of a single tree in a sea of blackness, makes me, again, believe I'm getting a Divine Comedy style tour of the land of nightmares and hopelessness.

Eventually you will get bored of shooting the apple and you'll try to kill Judas in the most entertaining way possible. I'm not sure if this is a glitch, but one time I shot him through the nose and he began spazing out.

Ha ha ha...... I'm a terrible person

HACK RUN

HEY KIDS! You want some extreme action?!? Play HACK RUN!!!! The latest iPhone game from "Who Gives A Flyer?"

Hack into an office building!!!!

EXTREME!!!!!!

Research their business deals!!!!

EXTREME!!!!

Stare at text all day!!!!!!

EXTREME!!!!!!!

Wonder what carpet tastes like!!!!!

EXTREME!!!!!!

Hey kids! KIDS!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!


So that's my look at Free IPhone games. My recommendation? SHELL OUT THE DOLLAR FOR FRUIT NINJA.

Donkey Kong Country: Returns

NINTENDO MONTH: PART 4 OF 4

Before Metroid.

Before Zelda.

Even before the Mario Bros.

There was......

DONKEY KONG! Yes, I'm not sure and I don't feel like doing research, but I'm fairly sure that Donkey Kong was the first Nintendo game to hit the local arcade. You play as Mario (Then known as JumpMan) and you climb up a skyscraper under construction to rescue your girl from the Escaped Ape himself. Your path is made rougher by Donkey Kong's seemingly infinite supply of barrels.

Seriously! Where in hell was he GETTING all the barrels?!? You only see four stacked next to him, but the stack NEVER GETS SMALLER. Let's forget all the random bouncing CAR JACKS he conjures from his ass in the third level, NONE OF WHICH you see!!!

Whatever, it was still great, and so was Donkey Kong Country released for the super Nintendo. DK took the role of the hero this time. Along with his nephew and sidekick Diddy (you will never be "Diddy" to ME Sean Combes). They banded together to fight the evil Kremlings (Get it? It was the early nineties!) and their evil boss King K. Rool. It was a sidescroller and a very good one. It also introduced us to other Kongs, like Dixie, Cranky, Funky, Wrinkly and Candy.

However my introduction to the King of Swing, was Donkey Kong 64.

Donkey Kong 64 was the game that CAME with the N64. It remains one of my favorite video games of all time. Placing DK into a full three dimensional world, through insane trials, and against challenging bosses. This game was part of a push to put some Nintendo titles into a 3D perspective and, like Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time or Super Mario 64, It was a HUGE success!

So obviously, there has yet to be another game in this style.

.................

WHAT. THE. HELL?! Why? Why not?!? Was I the only kid to ever like the game? Every one else I knew with an N64 had a copy! They liked it too! STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS! WHY HAS THERE BEEN NO SEQUEL?!? WHY IS THERE NO NEWS ON A DK GAME FOR 3DS?!? HOW MUCH IS THE WII U GOING TO COST?!? DO THE TABLETS CHARGE OR TAKE AAS?!? WHEN IS THE NEW SMASH BROS. COMING OUT?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH---

**Editors Note**

We apologize for the previous outburst. We hope that it did not impede your enjoyment of the review. We have given the reviewer his anger medication and we now return you to the review.

*****************

So I sat down with Spunky, the talking purple Monkey-Elephant-Zebra, and popped in Donkey Kong Country returns.

Like its namesake it's a sidescroller. Move to the left and jump on anything that dislikes you. NONE of what you fight are the alligator men of tradition The Kremlings. Instead we fight some weird kind of Tiki Monster. The boss fights are pretty standard. A lot of fun though.

Some of the levels are UNGODLY. I am reminded of one in particular that almost made me eat my Wiimote. It's on the second level set and you are constantly being chased by a VERY perturbed giant octopus. I game overed when I started the level with FIFTY LIVES.

All in all a decent game. I just wish they would make a sequel to 64 those RATHUMPING BASTARDS!!! KILL!! KILLLL!!!

******** Editors Note *********

We have once again restrained Mr. DeAndrea. He would like to thank you for joining him for Nintendo Month. Be sure to join him next week.

********************

I like Jello pudding pops!

Star Fox 64 3D

NINTENDO MONTH PART 3 OF 4

Star Fox 64 was one of the four games I got this christmas, along with my 3DS. It was also my FAVORITE GAME OF ALL TIME back in 1999 when it came out for the Nintendo 64. However, will this remake hold up to it's original?!?

..........

Well yes, actually. Though with growing up, my innocence slowly being chipped away, I've noticed flaws in the game in GENERAL.

As I said last month, I have actually FINISHED this one. In fact, since I've owned it, I've beaten this game TEN TIMES. Mostly because, even THIRTEEN YEARS LATER, I still have half the levels memorized. It's MUSCLE MEMORY by now.

This game is a "flight simulator" in the same way that Street Fighter is an exercise program. It's a jet game. You fly around, and shoot anything that you see with lasers. It's a lot of fun, perfect the way it was thirteen years ago. The 3D is even workable enough to enjoy.

BUT THEN....

The game asked me if I wanted to turn on gyro controls, wherein you tilt the system to steer your space plane.

Now here's my question. Why does a game have a 3D feature that requires the system to be STILL AS THE GRAVE, but also MOTION CONTROLS?!?

You will NEVER use the gyro, EVER for ANY game, but they will keep asking you, to the point where you want to knock on Shigreyu Miamoto's door with a megaphone and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

The story is pretty simple, if a little strange. You are Val Kilmer from Top Gun, but a fox. You team up with a falcon, a rabbit, and a toad to capture a criminal, mad scientist, space monkey.

The plot jumps the shark (yes after THAT PREMISE) when you MEET Andross (Aforementioned space monkey) and it turns out he is a giant head and two hands. (Incoming message from the big giant head.) After THAT he has a second form where he becomes a giant brain and two eyeballs that shoot lasers. (Actual quote: "Only I have the brains to rule the galaxy!")

There is however one, single, aspect of this game that I CANNOT stand.

Not the voice acting, which is atrocious.

Not the dialogue, which is laughable.

Not even the lack of online play.

It's the God. Damn. LANDMASTER.

The Landmaster is a tank that is used in some levels instead of your space plane. The steering mechanism is very unique, THERE ISN'T ONE. So expect to crash a LOT. It can "jump" in the same way that Rush Limbaugh can. It will in fact catch some air, but not very much, and when it hits the ground it will probably break something.

Every level that has this is a complete drag on the game. I have only beaten the game by avoiding these levels as if they were LEPERS.

All in all however, a good game. It's got the "Easy to learn, hard to master" aspect down. I think my MOM could get this game down. If I could get her to play.

I am THREE WEEKS into Nintendo Month, and I HAVEN'T DONE A CLASSIC SIDESCROLLER YET. I am slacking! I need what is essentially a remake of an SNES game!

NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!

Oh, disembodied voice of James Earl Jones who lives in my brain, you know me so well.

Super Mario 3D Land

NINTENDO MONTH PART 2 OF 4

First a disclaimer.

Two weeks ago I HEAVILY hinted that my next review would be Animal Crossing: Wild World. It is not. I TRIED, good GOD I tried, but I had nothing funny to say.

It's a life sim with furries, a decent one. If you like life sims check it out. The end. Buy a Game Grid t-shirt. (ATTENTION: THERE ARE NO GAME GRID T-SHIRTS AS OF YET. I WILL TRY TO FIND SOMEONE TO HOOK ME UP LATER)

I will find something to fill the fourth slot I had planned for Nintendo Month. In the meantime let's get on to week 2.

As I have said before Mario to my knowledge has never released a bad game. In fact I think that it's the only long running game franchise that can claim that. This game is no exception.

Good gameplay, good graphics, sidescrolly head-jumpy fun, blahdy blahdy blah. Punch and Judy can do a Mario review at this point.

BUT...

You don't go to an electrician to compliment your lamp, and you didn't come to me to be nice to a game.

So I started Super Mario 3D Land, or, as it SHOULD be called Super Mario Tanooki Suit.

Yes! Back from Super Mario Brothers 3, the Tanooki Suit dresses Mario up as a raccoon and allows him the ability to glide temporarily because..... Japanese..... Folktale? You had better have this suit ON in every single level. If you don't have one, go to the nearest door and take dead lessons from the nails.

There is practically NO LEVEL that can be completed without it. The levels that CAN be completed without it, will make you miss out on valuable Star Medals, but who cares, right? It's just used for extras. I can probably complete the game without those.

WRONG! As I found out when I got to the midway boss castle! I needed FIFTY star medals to enter the level.

I had fifteen.

The next TWO HOURS of playtime were spent trudging through previous levels getting EVERY star medal I missed. Dying again and again again and AGAIN. However it didn't matter that much because at this point I was hoarding lives in my tree for the winter. It was at this point that I saw something very strange.

I respawned at the checkpoint for the BILLIONTH time when I saw a box that had not been there before. On the box was printed the icon of a Tanooki Leaf.

"Oh good!" I thought. "The game has clued in that the Tanooki Suit is as needed as BREATHING! It is apologizing by giving me a free one!"

I opened the box and out popped a GOLDEN Tanooki Leaf. This gave me the white Tanooki Suit. Which allowed me to gain unlimited invincibility. I was very proud of myself for gaining this rare and valuable unlockable! Though when I moved to the next level I lost the suit. I also, no matter how hard I tried could not make the block reappear.

I looked online to see how I could make this gaming lightning strike twice and I got a SHOCKING answer. The Golden Leaf only appears when you have died enough times on one level.

That's right. THE GAME IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU!!

"Ohhhh." smarms the game "You're a little SLOW aren't you. Here take the shiny thing and go about your merry way. Your helmet's got your name on it."

Who the HELL do you think you are! You can take your Pity Leaf and shove it up your pixelated ASS! I'm hardcoring this mother.

That's what I THOUGHT, not what I DID.

Of COURSE you take it. You ALWAYS take it. The White Tanooki Suit, however, DOESN'T keep you from falling of cliffs. So you can still die....

If you do that ENOUGH. You get ANOTHER item.

The P-Wing.

The P-Wing allows you to SKIP TO THE END OF THE LEVEL.

"Oh I'm sorry! I thought a HUMAN BEING was at the controls! You are obviously some kind of unwashed chimp who got his grubby hand-feet on a 3DS. Here monkey! Go! Make the little man fly! At the end if you're good you get a mango!"

Again, this IS Mario. It's a great game. Remember, though this IS Mario, game has no mercy at all.

I haven't COMPLETED a game since I've been doing this blog. I can't give you the full scope of a review if I haven't played through the whole game. What I need is something I can easily blast through in an afternoon, but I can still find serious fault in.

NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: STARFOX 64 3D!

There we go.

Kirby: Mass Attack

Nintendo Month! Part 1 of 4!

Hello dear blogosphere and welcome to NINTENDO MONTH! Yes from now until mid June, I will be reviewing the best, and indeed the very WORST of what my favorite gaming company has to offer.

At least that's what I THOUGHT. Until someone pointed out that this is a GAME review blog. So I didn't actually have to watch Captain N: The Game Master or The Legend of Zelda cartoon.

After untying the hostages and removing the barrel of the gun from my temple, I looked at what I had cued up for the month. I found at the top of the pile Kirby: Mass Attack!

Kirby! Nintendo's Pink Powerhouse! I play a LOT of his games! I've loved all the ones I've played! He's even my primary character in Super Smash Bros. Melee! How can this possibly disappoint me!!!

The game is controlled mostly via touchscreen.

WELL THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG!!!

You realize the system has BUTTONS right, Edward StylusHands? You use the touchscreen to do EXTRA stuff! It's not a goddamn IPhone!

From this and my Sonic Chronicles review you have probably guessed I am not a HUGE fan of touchscreen based control. It never works ever, at least for me. It also pisses me off that it's putting hard working A-buttons out of work!

The premise of this game is that Kirby (walking pink marshmallow and defender of DreamLand) is attacked by a big black cloud of evil that breaks his power into ten bodies and gets rid of nine. The only way you can regain the bodies is by.... Eating.......fruit.

If you are playing a Kirby game for gripping story you need to check yourself into some kind of institution.

Yes you can control up to TEN Kirbys in this game. You lead them around with the touchscreen like dogs on a leash.

THIS IS NOT IMMERSION. Immersion is when you are playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and you actually scream "DIE DIE DIE!" at the screen and then you look out the window and you realize it's four days later.

I'm not controlling Kirby! I'm controlling his little guide that tells him where to go! The intro even SAYS that!

Wouldn't it be awesome if in Ocarina of Time, instead of controlling Link, you were controlling the little insufferable FAIRY the whole time?!? Wouldn't that be the best game since Heroes of Mana?!?!

Then there is the combat......

OH GOD, THE COMBAT.

The combat consists of you frantically tapping on an enemy and then all ten Kirbys pile on and pummel it to death. As funny as that SOUNDS (and it sounds really, REALLY funny) it never frigging WORKS.

You end up with two Kirbys pummeling the enemy, three trying to phase through a wall, one staring off into space trying to remember where he lives, and four DEAD because another enemy has snuck up and EATEN THEM ALL.

The combat is atrocious, the music is irritating, and there are plenty of other Kirby titles that use BUTTONS, JUST AS GOD INTENDED YOU MOUTHBREATHING HEATHENS! BURN, BURN FOR YOUR SINS AG---

Happy place....... Happy place.....

Well Nintendo Month is off to a flying start! You know what, I'm being pessimistic. I'm sure it can only get better from here!

NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD.

All right lady sit your ass back down! Where the hell did I put the gun?!?

Final Fantasy IV

THE QUEST FOR A JRPG COMPLETE !!!

Yes it's finally time! Time for me to take on Square Enix's ongoing Final Fantasy series! I have been a huge fan of this series since 2003! I was twelve and my mom decided to purchase a shiny new PlayStation 2 and three games. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Final Fantasy VII, and Final Fantasy X.

Two of those games were fun and filled with a decent story.

The other was Final Fantasy X.

After THOSE painful memories reentered my brain and I went on my twelve hour killing spree, I calmed myself with thoughts of VII and IX and put the card in the slot.

The main character's name is Cecil. As I watched the opening cinematic I wonder which school of Final Fantasy Hero he had graduated from.

The Squall Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but getting better later in the game?

The Cloud Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but making up for it by being an unlicensed badass? (In my opinion, anyway. :P)

The Tidus Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle and just generally sucking?

I was hoping for a very rare ZIDANE Academy Alumnus. Not being a whiny emo douchenozzle AT ALL.

What I GOT was the next best thing.

The Cecil Academy. Being a whiny emo douchenozzle for reasons I can't actually argue with.

The first MINUTE of the game has him walking into a kingdom. Slaughtering all the guards and civilians, and taking their magical thingy. Then leaving.

It becomes clear that he is "only following orders," but he knows thats no excuse.

He is then sent on yet another mission from his king. Take this ring to the village up north. No harm right?

On the way they run into, and kill, a dragon.

When they GET to the village the ring begins to glow, and then release monsters that burn the village to the ground.

Cecil also realizes that by killing the dragon, he has also killed a nine year old's mother.

Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!

What you end up getting is a character who feels LEGITIMATELY tortured. He goes on a very believable, very compelling tale of redemption.

This is obviously what was SUPPOSED to happen with Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII, but she was to busy flashing her 2010 Tidus Academy class ring for that to work.

Then of course there is Golbez, the games villain. Only three methods for Final Fantasy villains.

Sephiroph Academy: I have white hair and a sunken expression. I am probably a clone and am slowly dying.

Seymour Academy: My brand of evil is simply FABULOUUUUS!!!

Chaos Academy: ME BIG SCARY DEMON!!! BLARG BLARG BLARG!!!!

Golbez comes in nearer to the last category than anything else. He's seven feet tall. Covered in giant imposing spiked black armor. He can't have five SECONDS on screen without twisting his curly mustache. He is that kind of threatening that almost makes you giggle.

The gameplay is turn based fun. Ive gone into this in the last three reviews. No need to do so again.

Make no mistake this game DOES have its flaws. Mostly the standard stuff from Square Enix.

You've got the dialogue! Written by monkeys who were given a dictionary and seven bottles of Bacardi 151! ("You spoony bard!")

Of course, you can't have a square game without your "What the living hell is going on," moments.

You've got your voyage to space, your traveling pompom bear rabbit, your riding chickens, but those are all par for the course.

No, what sets this game apart in terms of mindf$@ks are the DANCERS.

In almost every town you enter you will see a woman with pink hair and a modest red dress. Talk to her and she will ask if you want to watch her "practice."

Accept and she will immediately strip down to her undergarments and dance on the nearest table or in the nearest body of water.

Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!

You can hire a lap dance! I was going to do a spit take, but I was holding my $169.99 Black Friday Special Nintendo 3DS, so I just dribbled Sprite out of my nose!

Overall though a definite recommend. The characters are likable. The gameplay is fun. And the story is pretty gripping. Get your hands on it if you can.

I also recommend brutally killing anyone in a Tidus cosplay. Now if you will excuse me, thinking about FFX has brought back the VOICES!!!

Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story

THE QUEST FOR A JRPG! PART 3:

The quest had left me despondent. I had been roaming through the desert of "Almost JRPGs" and my goal, the shining brilliant mountain of Final Fantasy IV, laid a two days walk away.

In my travel across the wasteland I only had Sonic Chronicles to use for sustenance which, while not actively poisonous, did not satisfy.

I was also mauled by a Six-tailed giant scorpion known to the locals as "Heroes of Mana." Said to have the ability to drive a man to madness, the beast left me near death and with little hope of reaching the mountain.

And then a miracle!

I came across a tiny oasis in the desert! Filled with a pool of decent gameplay! Fruits of a good story! It wasn't the mountain! But it would sustain me until I reached my goal!

.............

I wonder if it's a crime to kill a metaphor.

Mario is no stranger to the turn based RPG. Starting with Super Mario RPG for the SNES, continuing through the Paper Mario series and culminating here in Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story.

I hinted in my last review that I have never seen the Mario Brothers to deliver a bad game, and this one is certainly no exception. It's not QUITE what I was looking for, but it would do for now.

The game starts with a tiny Toad (the mushroom people who populate the mushroom kingdom) returning home to his family. His mother instructs him to go get his father down to dinner.

He bursts down the stairs in sudden shock. His father has contracted......

THE BLORBS!!!

............

That's a funny name for a horrible disease....

Yes the Blorbs! A disease unique to Toads, it makes the patient grow to a giant sphere shape and roll away.

Princess Peach Toadstool holds a council to find a solution to the epidemic.

It's a problem in the Mushroom Kingdom! CALL IN THE MARIO BROTHERS!

Mario and Luigi go to see what they can do about the problem, unfortunately they are closely followed by Bowser. The evil king of the Koopa, a race of turtles who wish to destroy the Toads and take over the Mushroom Kingdo--- Okay I know how goofy this sounds just bear with me (ROOOWRR)
SHUT UP BOSKOV!

Long story short. Bowser gets beat. Winds up in the forest. Meets a salesman who gives him a magic mushroom that allows him to suck Mario and Luigi down into his body.

The salesman is actually Fawful. He's.... Imagine if a snow pea became a mad scientist. He spread the Blorbs to take over the Mushroom Kingdom. He also tricked Bowser into eating the "Vacuum Shroom" in order to get the Brothers AND the Koopa King out of the way.

Believe it or not, this gets even MORE complicated, but for the rest you'll just have to play the game.

Gameplay is turn based combat, with a couple of twists. Each character is assigned a button (Luigi B, Mario A, Bowser X,Y). A lot of the damage you do depends on timing. The best part is that if you're playing the game 100% perfectly you will NEVER take a hit.

Every time an enemy launches an attack you are given the opportunity to dodge or deflect. This happens with EVERY ENEMY ATTACK. However it's harder than it sounds. Like everything else in this game, it requires precise timing.

I'm being to nice. I need to nitpick something...

The goddamn minigames are a nice fat target!

Every once in a while Bowser will need to do something in the outside world that requires some form of muscle stimulus. Mario and Luigi (being inside his body) must perform said stimulus. This usually requires hitting colored orbs at the muscle. This is a fiery pain in the ass. It requires the timing of Big Ben, and the patience of JOB. It gets REALLY grating REALLY fast.

It's definitely not a deal breaker. Pick this game up if you want a very fun (if a little strange) adventure.

But I had to put it aside.

I heard a thud at the door. I ran to see what had happened.

I saw a package from Amazon.com. I had reached the summit.

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood

THE QUEST FOR A JRPG! PART 2!!!

In my search for a turn based game I turned to Sonic the Hedgehog!

.....

My this barrel has a lovely bottom!

I don't understand this one at ALL. I mean at ALL. Sonic is a game series based ENTIRELY on speed. So why in the name of our lord Jesus make a turn based RPG!!

Oh but it gets better. This was a partner production between Sega, and BioWare of all people. I'm not going to say I HATE BioWare, but I certainly LIKE them a lot less because of certain Mass Effect 3 endings that came in three fabulous fruit flavors.

So I am already filled with fear on the logo screen, but I pressed on, thinking hey Sonic is Sega's MASCOT for God sake. They wouldn't put him in anything that was absolute irredeemable crap!

Then I realized that that is ALL that has been happening since 2006.

And then I began to weep.

But still I started a new game and wiped the tears off my 3DS. It starts with a comic book esque cutscene. Sonic flies and fights Dr. Eggman on a big spaceship. Our pointy blue friend is defeated and crashes down to the Green Hill Zone.

This is where the farce masquerading as gameplay begins. First of all it is controlled entirely with the touch screen. It is my personal belief that any designer who makes that decision should have their hands cut off and replaced with styluses.

Also Sonic is not alone in this romp! Oh no, ALL of Sega's technicolor woodland creatures appear in this game! So unfortunately they TALK to each other!
So you have to control the conversations! Why? Because BioWare can't help themselves! Decide! Decide even though you don't give two craps about being said! We wrote a script for this bullshit! Decisions! Whoopee!!!

Oh GOD, the dialogue is INSUFFERABLY boring. You don't care. You don't care about what the hell Sonic and Amy want with the Chaos Doodad, or why they want to keep it away from the Brotherhood of Who Gives A Rat's Ass. However you can't skip it! If you do you run the risk of pissing the little bastards off. If you do they may keep items from you! Game over! Way to go asshole!

So after that fiery pain in the ass I managed to get to combat. After some GOD DAMN TUTORIALS.

Ok. That isn't quite fair. Unlike last post's pixelated hellish nightmare, Heroes of Mana these tutorials actually TELL you things! Mostly because the combat system is so unnecessarily complicated it would flummox Rubik! Still! Useful information! At least they think I'm more intelligent than to drool on my 3DS!

The combat is UNGODLY, but at least it's turn based! There's the normal point at enemy, press attack, hurt enemy business, but doing that won't get you very far. Instead you must make heavy use of "Special Moves." You know, special! Like Andy! The one who wears the helmet!

These damn things require touch screen actions. Actions that are harder to decipher than an Ambien dream. Curve up the stylus while tapping and keeping it on the touch screen! Banana monkey fish shoes! Kafloobity boingo!

So I got tired and pressed the Flee button. And.....

And everything just got WAY to intense.

This is how this is supposed to work. In a JRPG there is supposed to be a button, ON THE CONSOLE, that you hold down to bail from a fight. This game..… What in hell I'm I looking at?

It's a mini game. You have this little meter on the side. Your party is running away. Obstacles are flying at them. Jump over them with the timing of CHRIST and you escape.

Important notice: THE REASON THAT WE ARE RUNNING AWAY IS BECAUSE WE ARE TOO TIRED TO KEEP PLAYING. ADDING A MINIGAME TO STOP PLAYING IS JUST IRRITATING AND UNNECESSARY.

Don't waste the money. Don't waste the time. Don't give Sega more money for Sonic the Hedgehog titles until they stop sucking.

Next time, I try a turn based from someone who HASN'T released a bad game in my memory. It'll be the first time I tangle with the mustachioed bastard....

Heroes of Mana

THE QUEST FOR A JRPG! PART 1

First an addendum to the last review. It turns out you CAN jump up and down on skyscrapers until they no longer exist in Rampage, making it perhaps the best game in the history of the world.

However it was about the time that I was stuffing Twinkies into my face, using a giant chicken to jump on Dallas because they've had it coming for far too long that I began to think, "What am I doing with my time?"

"Look at you," said my Subconscious the pompous ass that he is "You're the kid who spent FIVE HOURS arguing with his mother about weather or not BioShock is true art, which it is, and now you're playing a game that requires less intelligence than watching PUNK'D."

He had a point. I'm one of the biggest Games are Art snobs you will find. Yet the games I'm GOOD at are things like Rampage and Just Cause, and the biggest artistic message THOSE games are trying to get across is "DIE, DIE IN FIRE!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

So I tried to think of a game genre more intelligent and that I'm actually proficient at.

"A turn based Japanese Role Playing Game!" I said with a note of triumph.

"Really?" said Lord Superego peering over his monocle "More intelligent?"

Again he had a point. If games are art then JRPGs are those weird abstract sculptures with names like "Hatred" or "Destiny." The exhibit that makes everyone argue over what it represents and why. Completely blind to the fact that it's probably just a heap of scrap metal in a funny shape.

Though they are entertaining, and they make the raving lunatic hobo living outside the Game Art Museum East ranting about the "Gub'ment Cheese" that is my imagination FEEL intelligent so what the hell.

So I went to see if I could get my hands on a copy of Final Fantasy IV and the answer was..... Not until next week. So I went through the house looking for decent candidates for a review while I waited. The search brought up three possibilities. Mario and Luigi: Bowsers Inside Story, Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood and today's virgin sacrifice to Monotonous, Greek God of Boredom, Square Enix's Heroes of Mana.

The game started of with an opening crawl explaining the plot. Apparently the Humans of the Land of mana are engaged with the Beastmen, because they were arguing over who was better, Chuck Norris, or Bruce Lee. Councils were called, committees were formed, DVD copies of Day of the Dragon were thrown at people's heads! The rest was simply bloodshed....

At least that's what I WANT to be happening because I lost interest around the FOURTH PARAGRAPH OF NOTHING BEING SAID.

I started tapping the skip button like I had Parkinson's.

"Skipping the exposition!" complained His Lordship from the Chaise Longue "How uncouth!"

"Bite me Your Grace, I'm wasting life!"

So I finally made it to the dialogue and they began to talk about *thud* ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

"Rabble Rabble, Most unorthodox, Rabble"

So again, frantic skipping.

Once I actually GOT to the game play it turned out it WASN'T a turn-based game at all. It was Real Time Strategy.

Real Time Strategy (or RTS) is a form of RPG where you sit atop an ivory tower and order an army, that you create, and send it to kill every thing that isn't wearing your uniform.

Well I was very good at StarCraft in my younger days. StarCraft was also VERY fun.

So I kept playing with hope in my heart that was crushed around the third tutorial!

There is a tutorial for selection. A tutorial for moving. A tutorial for building. A tutorial for making units. A tutorial for gathering resources. A tutorial for gathering a DIFFERENT KIND of resources while doing the SAME THING. A tutorial telling you how to hang yourself from the highest tree because it's been two hours of playtime with no combat.

Finally a Beastman DID arrive on the Battle field and I sent my units across to attack. This is when I realized that all the units move at a pace one normally associates with the DEAD. It took ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, for my soldiers to shamble over to the enemy. That is inexcusable.

Once I GOT over to the enemy, he immediately dispatched of my entire army and I lost the mission.

I took out the Game Card and threw it across the room.

"You haven't even gotten past the first ENEMY. What kind of unwashed savage are you?" Lord Superego scoffed.

So I whipped around and shot His Grace in the shin.

This is the worst game I have ever had the pain to play. It's boring, repetitive, tedious, annoying, and it obviously thinks that the player is either incredibly thick, or has only heard of video games from the hermit crab who shares the space under the boulder with him.

This game is so bad I spent half this review talking to myself.

I want all of my readers, (that's right both of you) to find a copy, shoplift it so no one makes money of this garbage, take it out of the store, and BURN it so it can't hurt anyone anymore.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to play sonic and nurse my shin.

Rampage: Total Destruction

After the SIXTH TIME I tried to write a Metroid Other M review only to have my blogspot eat the post making me play it all over again to remind me exactly why it pissed me off, I need a game that is FAR less cerebral.

So immediately I look on amazon and lo and behold! Rampage: Total Destruction was on my recommendations for dirt cheap, as if in answer to my prayer.

This is the very definition of a game where you do not have to think. You are King Kong (George the Ape, same difference) or one of his 39 friends. Destroy one of many iconic American cities (Currently I'm The Lizard that Stepped on Las Vegas)

There is, in fact, a plot (though I'm not sure WHY). Scum Laboratories is going to test a new soft drink called ScumSoda. They start a taste test. George ( at this point a college student) takes a drink, loves the soda, and immediately transforms into a giant gorilla.

No you did not turn over two pages at once.

Yeah! Turns out making soda near chemical waste was a TERRIBLE idea! And thus all forty members of the test group are transformed into giant Godzilla-type monsters.

Scum Laboratories immediately cryogenically freezes the test group and hides them across America. However five monsters escape and go on, well, a Rampage.

You can, of course, unlock the all the other monsters giving access to all forty.

First let me say this. It's HILARIOUS. It's the kind of funny that you only get from someone who DESPISES the human race, like Invader Zim. They do their best to remove any guilt about eating people, by making them the most HATEFUL PEOPLE ON EARTH. Every time you pick someone up to make them breakfast, they NEVER scream, or beg, or cry. They boss you around.

"That's it George! I'm taking you in!" says the cop that George has been carrying around in his two fingers for the better part of an hour.

"Good luck with that." *GULP*

The gameplay is..... on the better side of okay. It's pretty basic for this kind of game. I think it's a little limited. I want to jump up and down on a skyscraper until it's a parking lot, but I'm perfectly happy with pounding on the side of it and eating the residents.

None of the limitations stopped the FUN. I could easily play this game for HOURS if I had the time. Not only is this worth the $16 I paid for the game, it's worth the $250 I paid for my Nintendo Wii. A definite five star recommendation.

Now, if you will excuse me, John P. Witherschmitt of Chicago IL. I'm coming to destroy your apartment complex.

Kid Icarus: Uprising

I think it's time nintendo got a new hero. The mainstream nintendo title factory just makes more of the big five nowadays. Zelda, Mario, Star Fox, Donkey Kong, Metroid. Over and over, and two of those titled have kissed a Succubus who drains the GOOD out of game series until only lame remains (I. E. Star Fox: Command, and Metroid Other M)

But two years ago one of the factory workers took a break near a dumpster for a smoke, and IN the dumpster he found a hideous 8 bit nightmare called Kid Icarus. In a process similar to Reaper Indoctrination he became convinced that the horrible gelatinous tentacle thing deserved a sequel.

And apparently I'VE been spending too much time near Object Rho because I think the sequel is quite good.

Now before we go on let me say that any one who claims that the original Kid Icarus was GOOD is going to hell for lying. It was awful. It is the only game I have ever seen that routinely FORGETS ABOUT PREVIOUSLY EXISTING FLOOR.

Taking a lesson from this Uprising has little to no platforming. Instead there are two sections to each level. Air battle, a rail shooter-esque experience. And land battle, which takes the form of a third person shooter.

The premise is good too. You are Pit. An angel in service of Palutena, goddess of light. You are sent to investigate when Medusa, queen of the underworld and the villain from the 1987 game, is inexplicably resurrected from the square beating you gave her last time. I'll get to the rest when I get to the negatives. I would strap in..

Controls are solid, if a bit odd. You move with the circle pad, (have I also mentioned that the sky is blue? Or that Newt Gingrich is old?) you aim with the touch screen, and in a stroke of unironic GENIUS, fire with the left shoulder button. I love this. It means I can switch targets without being murdered.

The characters are VERY funny. I like how Pit is the only nintendo all-star who is (let's be fair) a galloping idiot. Palutena is lovably insane, and never takes anything to seriously. None of the characters do. It's all so delightfully meta, it distracts from the game's major flaw.

The flaw being that the games plot goes paintchip banana sandwich by chapter eleven

Lets take this step by step shall we? (spoilers):

Chapters 1-8: Medusa is back. Pit goes to take out her commanders and get the right gear to fight her.

Okay pretty straight forward....

Chapter 9: Face off with Medusa. During the bout, she says she doesn't KNOW what brought her back. At the END of the battle, the ACTUAL main villain reveals himself. Hades, god of evil.

Ooh. Plot twist! Fun!

Chapter 10: Hades says that he is after the wish seed. It doesn't grant wishes, but humans THINK it does, and with it's disappearance will cause war, which is good for Underworld business.

Clever! INGENIUS!

Chapter 11: Upset by war, Mother Nature takes out a city with a giant nuclear mango.

INSPIRE-- Wait, What?

Chapters 12-15: Take out Mother Nature's generals, and exploding mango tree.

O... Kaaaaay.

Chapter 16: All factions must put aside there differences and temporarily unite against aliens from outer space.

..............

Chapters 17-20: Defeat the aliens.

And then? Go on. Get weirder.

Chapter 21: Pit awakens from a three year coma with his soul in a ring. He puts his soul into a little girl, a dog, and Hugh Jackman. He also discovers Palutena has been brainwashed by a death dragonfly.

THERE WE GO!!

Chapters 22-23: Save Palutena.

Naturally.

Chapters 24-25: Defeat Hades....

THE PLOT! How we have missed you!

Chapter 26: With your giant robot.

OF COURSE!!

It's very obvious that the creator had SEVERAL ideas for sequels and he attempted to pile them ALL into this one game.

Despite all of that. It is WELL worth purchase price. It's probably one of the best games this year. If you like being INCREDIBLY confused..... What is wrong with you?

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

There is a song by Three Day's Grace that goes as follows:

"I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?"

YEP! That's Zelda in a nutshell.

Let me explain. I am a HUGE fan of the Legend of Zelda. Probably because Link's Awakening was the first video game I was EVER allowed to touch (due to it being the first game we owned with multiple save files).

Now let me be CLEAR . The Legend of Zelda is also one of the BITCHIEST game series on the market today. There is a portion in Link's Awakening where if you do not complete things in a VERY specific order, you cannot complete the game.

All other game in the series are just a huge pile of to much going on at once. How many times have you Zelda fans said this to yourselves:

"Okay if I go to the RIGHT I should be able to hop ACROSS the lava, beat the lizardman, hit the two switches in the time limit, and free the villager, I should wait to the LEFT until GAH MOTHERF#%$IN BATS!!"

A similar situation has happened in EVERY Zelda game. And it gets VERY irritating.

But again I do love this series and Skyward Sword is certainly no exception.

It is said that this game was made to shake the series up, because the series had slipped into the formula of all titles being similar to Ocarina of Time. This made me nervous. This was the same "it ain't broke, let's fix it!" attitude that produced Coke 2. But again this is a VERY competently made Zelda title. So imagine if Coke 2 was delicious but every time you opened the bottle it throttled you and took your wallet.

The story starts out as ALL Zelda stories do: You play as Link. The next in a long LINE of unlucky bastards. Excuse me, "Heroes of Time."

You live in a peaceful town. Training to work in a medial ( yet well paying) job, then settle down with the girl you've spent your life crushing on. Then live in humble and peaceful harmony.

Obviously this cannot stand!

An evil force rips the girl from your side and Link soon realizes that the fate of his country, nay, THE WORLD. Is now his problem. So, with a heart filled with pure exasperation. Link goes reluctantly forth.

That right there is one thing that's always gotten me about Zelda. The Link family line has no damn luck at all.

Ocarina of Time: You must do this to save us! You FOOL, by doing so you've killed us all!

Majora's Mask: Just get my trinket back from the mischievous boy who stole it, that's all. By the way, the trinket is INCREDIBLY evil, and the moon is going to collide with earth. Bye!

Link to the Past: As your father, my dying wish is that you uphold the destiny I happened to trip over

Skyward Sword: DEKU BABAS!!!

Now is as good a time as any to talk about the controls right? This game is the only actual reason why you would want a Wii Remote Plus. You swing your sword by swinging the wiimote about, but you should by no means be shy. You need very rapid and wide strokes to get much more then a stab going (at least I did anyway), so the SLIGHT chance you had of breaking a window if you weren't wearing the wrist strap, has turned into a 100% chance so put the strap on.

This ALSO means that by flailing your arms in the air you can turn link into a ball of pointy death.

I cannot describe the joy this brings me.

This approach works for most enemies but some of them require more precise cuts. Which brings me to the goddam Deku Babas.

Remember them? From Ocarina of Time? The things that took two SECONDS to kill and at the end you get a free Deku Stick? Not in this one! They require precise vertical or horizontal cuts

And this is also the time Link comes down with a crippling ailment wherein he can only slash diagonally.

Don't get me wrong EVENTUALLY you'll do it, but by then your almost dead, so it's best just to run.

Zelda is also known for epic looking (If underpowered) boss monsters. I am disappointed to find that the first boss is a reedy weak looking girly man. I mean seriously how tough could this "Demon Lord" POSSIBLY b- HOLY CRAPBALLS HE JUST TOOK MY SWORD!

What in HELL nintendo? Thats a bond of trust you just do NOT break. Link's sword has been the only thing he can actually TRUST for 25 years! You can't have a boss be able to TAKE it! All the odds are already stacked so high against the player your sniffing Mars but THIS?!?

Regardless I do love Skyward Sword. It is an immersive experience, and I'm sure Legend of Zelda fans will like it to.

We've put up with all other kinds of abuse before..... Frickin' Babas

Kingdom Hearts 365/2 Days

As we desperate lonely virgin fanboys of this series wait the brain-crushingly long and irritating time for the third main installment we must instead endure the never-ending tide of midquels and spinoffs that OVERTAKE video game shelves.

I think all of us have battered women syndrome when it comes to this series. I know it's been upwards of five years since two, but three is coming! He said so! I know he beats me in the face with mediocre in-betweeners! But it's coming! And then he and I can go and start our new life in Kansas in a little house with our dog and four kids.......

Kingdom hearts, for those unaware is a JRPG crossover between Final Fantasy and Disney and I will give you a moment to push your brain back into your ear. Yes it's an odd concept to be sure but it's worked for a good nine years. Mostly by placating to a very strange fan base.

The story follows (normally) Sora. A young boy who knows that in the great tradition of anime heroes must wear more zippers than there exist in the world. The Island of Sickening Wholesomeness where he lives is swallowed by black shadowy death, along with his best friend and the girl he's crushing on.

He is then given a magic sword shaped like a key, and joins with Donald Duck and Goofy to save the multiverse from darkness!

.........

If that last line didn't split your mind in twain I can't help you.

Yeah. This review I'm going to skip the story aspect and focus on game play. This one's both a midquel AND a spinoff so it would require a lover approximately the length of the divine comedy.

Combat's pretty straight forward. Traditional Kingdom hearts hacky-slashy button mashy heartless deathy fun. The difficulty curve however was designed by someone who couldn't get off the difficulty trampoline.

One mission can get you so angry that you wake up in Tijuana three days later in nothing but purple boxers learning in horror about the wake of destruction you have left in your path while the next you can 100% while DEAD.

Then there is of course there are the "panels". You see in anything other than a main series title, the creators of KH have a terrible phobia of games without needless busy work.

We can't make items and magic selectable from a MENU! That will tell the Bee People to steal my children! We have to make it so that the player has to have put in more hours on tetris than there were in 1992 to understand the inventory!

All being said I wouldn't waste the money on it at this point, just wait for the new one coming this December. Where I'm sure we equip weapons by answering the riddle of the SPHINX.

Introduction

Let me first get a few things out of the way. I will not be reviewing the latest games. I will be reviewing what I can get my hands on. If I get a sponsor that may change but for now just bear with me. No one should be upset by this.... Certainly not the bear with me.

Second, I will MOSTLY review nintendo titles. I may review other things as I come across them. But nintendo is very close to my heart. The first game that ever belonged to ME (and not my older brother) was the original Super Smash Bros. And I have personally owned every single model of nintendo handheld system (3DS included)

Third and most important. I have bad taste. At least people tell me so. I am one of the few breathing humans who DON'T fill with angry fan rage at The Phantom Menace. In fact I don't remember it being that poorly received when it came out (though I was only FIVE but still..). Attack of the Clones however.... Ugh. Keep in mind my introduction to the dark knight WAS in fact Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. I was Four. I have since seen that movie for what it is (A PILE OF SLIMY CRAP).

Thank you for reading this post! I hope you will check out the blog where games that fail are immediately de-rezzed!
WELCOME TO THE GAME GRID!

(Seriously can someone get this bear?)