THE VENT 2-14: Little Shop of Horrors

Recently, Little Shop of Horrors was released on BLU-Ray. It had the original uncut ending.

Let me make something clear, Little Shop has to be one of my top five favorite movies on the planet. Remember the five aspects of good I talked in the introduction post? (Technically impressive, relatable characters, makes you think, makes you cry, makes you laugh) This movie easily has all five, along with a sixth.

"Makes you Dance."

I DEFY you not sing along with this musical. The music is spectacular. Who knew Rick Moranis, of ALL people, could sing?

What is he singing about? Well let's start at the beginning.

In the 1950's, Seymour Krelborn (Moranis) works in a florist shop on Skid Row (Seriously, that's the name of the neighborhood). Business is going about as you'd expect, when something odd happens. Seymour finds a plant that matches nothing that he's ever seen before, maybe nothing on earth.

The plant, which he names Audrey II after his perspective crush, immediately drums up business for the shop. Seymour starts becoming famous, getting the attention of the girl of his dreams, everything seems great....

Except that Audrey II subsists on human blood.

It gets worse when the plant begins to talk to Seymour, promising him fame and fortune if he will only feed it by any means necessary.

You're asking "But MCC, if you love this movie so much, why are you talking about it here?"

Good question, the problem comes in the ending. And no, not the theatrical widespread release of the film.

The theatrical ending the movie had was merely a little rushed. Seymour rather unceremoniously offs Audrey II with electricity and then it rather abruptly cuts to a very Hollywood happy ending. No ending number. No real epilogue.

There is a good reason it was rushed. It was added in post production.

The ORIGINAL ending to the film left focus groups with a serious sense of "What the f$&k just happened to me?".

I had known for a while that in the original ending, like the ending for the stage production, both Seymour and Audrey are eaten by Audrey II. I just couldn't comprehend how mind-numbingly stupid that was until I saw the ending for myself.

I'm not the kind of guy who NEEDS a happy ending in order to like a movie. I just need an ending to make sense.

What's so stupid ABOUT the original ending? Well let's take it from the top. (Brace yourselves, it's going to get loud.)

Near the climax of the movie the plant tries to eat Audrey. Seymour manages to rescue her from the plant's maw and drag Audrey outside.

In the THEATRICAL ending, Audrey is obviously shaken from the attack. Seymour tells Audrey everything, saying that the only reason he did ANY of this was to impress her. Audrey tells him that he's an idiot and that she always loved him. Seymour goes in to fight the plant. Audrey II sings my FAVORITE song in the whole damn movie ("Mean Green Mother from Outer Space"). Seymour wins, Hollywood ending.

Like I said, a little rushed, but acceptable.

In the ORIGINAL ending, Audrey is mortally wounded from the attack and is bleeding out.

So far, no logical problems. The plant is seen to have razor sharp teeth, so it's not insane that one of them punctured a lung.

Here's where the problems start.

As she is dying she goes into a reprise of her solo number "Somewhere That's Green."

"Somewhere" is the tearjerker piece. The emotional backbone of the whole flick. A song that (weirdly) always makes my mother tear up.

The first rendition of the song talks about the idyllic life she dreams of with Seymour. A whole 50's American dream type of situation.

It's actually a pretty damn moving song. It speaks to Audrey's inherent naïveté. She honestly thinks that that's what happy looks like.

In the REPRISE she tells Seymour to feed her body to the plant when she dies. Saying that this way she will be with him forever.

You know, when she's digested. She'll become part of the plant. Get it? The plant is green? So she'll finally be- you get it?

..........

Okay. First of all, ew. Second, this is monumentally stupid on 2 levels.

1. By this point, the plant has become a representation of everything evil in this world to Seymour. The notion that he would give Audrey (AKA: everything GOOD in this world) to the plant is out of character and ridiculous.

2. REALLY Audrey? Really? You want Seymour to keep looking after the thing that relies on HUMAN BLOOD TO SUSTAIN ITSELF?!?! That's your last wish? Well fine, you turned from "nice down on your luck girl" to "callous homicidal bitch" pretty f$&king quick. Whatever, it is, quite literally, your funeral.

So Seymour gives her body over to the plant, *Facepalm,* and Audrey II slowly and respectfully eats her.

.......

Because Audrey II has been so respectful of humans this whole time. He hasn't been treating them like walking bags of Funyuns at all.

Also, I don't think there is a dignified way to be FED TO SOMETHING.

After that the police come to arrest Seymour (Several people have gone missing throughout the film), and Seymour.... promptly throws himself into the plant's mouth.

Well..... I guess Audrey's last wish can go screw itself.

Okay. We're not at bullet to the head moronic with this, but we're getting there.

First of all: THE COPS ARE RIGHT THERE. Tell them what happened. Sure they won't necessarily BELIEVE you, but you'll have an explanation of where the bodies went.

Secondly: This is COWARDLY. Sad to say a lot of people like this ending, and this part in particular. But Seymour isn't a coward. Audrey made him BETTER, that's why the romance worked so well. It feels like real love.

Love means you make each other the best of yourselves, and that doesn't go away when a partner dies.

So Seymour taking a crap on Audrey's memory like this isn't just stupid, it's plain insulting.

Also, and this is the one that really kills me.

People keep telling me that this is pathos, that he somehow deserved it.

No.

No he didn't. There are two people who die before the finale. Seymour kills neither of them. One of them kills himself, the other one is a freaking idiot who doesn't know not to stick his head into the mouth of something with pointy teeth.

As a matter of fact, they actually CHANGED that from the stage show the movie was based on. In THAT he is actively to blame for both deaths. He out and out MURDERS the second guy.

But in the movie, both death scenes are shifted around so that Seymour takes less of the blame.

The WORST he can be accused of is negligent homicide in the second case, and THAT'S squiffy.

Seymour IS a good person. You took the time to establish that. To have him die in this craven way means you have no respect for your characters. At that point, you put the typewriter down and you DRIVE HOME.

But the finale....

ARCEUS HELP US, THE FINALE.

The finale number is called "Don't Feed the Plants." Unfortunately it's one of the best sounding songs in the piece.

It tells us that, after the events of the story, Audrey IIs began to be mass produced and sold across America.

Wait for it.

The plants managed to talk other people into feeding them blood, to the point where they began to over take the world. They did this the same way the original did it to Seymour, promising fame and fortune.

The song ends with a dire warning "Whatever they offer you, don't feed the plants."

You have half a second to guess why this is stupid. Time's up. THERE IS NO WAY THIS PLAN F$&KING WORKS!!!

1) The only reason Seymour knew that Audrey II ate blood in the FIRST place was because he accidentally pricked his finger in front of the plant, since the plant couldn't talk until later in its development. So that shortens the number of plants that live past sapling at a third of the products sold.

2) The only reason that Seymour kept feeding the plant after he found out what it lived on was because he was desperate. He had no disposable income to, say, WASTE ON A DESIGNER POTTED PLANT!!!!! So that shortens the number of plants to, maybe, an EIGHTH of the ones who start to be fed.

3) The only reason Seymour kept feeding the plant after it started TALKING was because it could DELIVER on all of its promises. It could do that because no one had ever seen an Audrey II before. Now, however, THEY'RE F$&KING EVERYWHERE. This works ONE more time, I.E. "Mine can talk." After that the plants better start learning how to juggle and play the stock market because otherwise this plan is pretty screwed.

Also, to me this should be obvious, not EVERYONE can be rich an famous.

But let's be freaking charitable. Let's say FIVE PLANTS TOTAL make it to the point where they can wander around.

Screw that, let's forget the first three objections ENTIRELY. If EVERYONE pricked their finger at the right time. If EVERYONE thought it was worth it to keep feeding the plants. If EVERYONE could me made famous enough by these little potted bastards to find it worthwhile to KILL PEOPLE TO KEEP THEM FED.

That would still leave one... INESCAPABLE problem.

4) We have no proof the plants are bulletproof.

At all. As a matter of fact the in the final fight scene (which is, in fact, in the original ending) Audrey II takes the time to take a gun AWAY from Seymour.

So I'm thinking one tank shell and free guacamole for everyone on Third Avenue! Hooray!

But, nope. Logic does not apply in this ending.

This plan was that screwed back in the fifties. Can you imagine how far up the creek they would be TODAY?

It'd just take one asshole tweeting "Yeah, my plant eats blood and started singing to me, is this happening to anyone else or am I just THAT high?"

"You know, now that you mention it...."

And then we're done, invasion quelled. The greenhouse is descended upon by a swarm of carnivorous CPA agents.

The Theatrical ending was rushed. But I would take that a thousand times over before I took this.

It is WRONG. Logically wrong. Dramatically wrong. Tonally wrong. I don't think I have ever agreed with a focus group more than I do here.

A lot of people, however, wanted this abomination attached to the end of this movie. THOSE people are going to ask me if I can come up with a better ending.

Ok, give me ten minutes.

.......

Got it.

The movie starts with Seymour, obviously bloodied and haggard, entering a radio station while sirens blare outside. He holds a gun to the host and demands just two hours on the air.

From there he tells the story. The movie proceeds as normal until we get to the climax.

Seymour finds out he accidentally signed the mass-production contract. He quickly gets Audrey out of the shop and he confronts Audrey II.

"Mean Green Mother" takes place as Seymour tries to escape the shop.

He escapes the shop and is chased by the cops to the radio station.

"Don't Feed the Plants" is Seymour's final warning to the audience. He sings it as the cops bust down the door and take him in.

There. Ten minutes. It isn't rushed and it doesn't piss me off. Win-win.

To those of you reading, I beg you, choose the theatrical ending. It's not just happier, it makes some semblance of sense.

To those of you who like the original ending, stop watching movies, you ruin them for the rest of us.

Well, I think I'm a little closer to finding out what bad means to me. It has something to do with boundless stupidity and a good plot huffing paint towards the end. We've made some progress.

My Pokémon Y review should be out soon. There should be a new vent next month.