Contra 4

It's....

It's a conspiracy.

A CONSPIRACY I TELLS YA!!!!

Where did it begin?!

Well, back in the 80's, a game was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System called Contra.

And it was virtually unplayable.

Oh yeah, NO ONE could beat this game, no one could even get past level 2.

But that didn't stop people from CLAIMING they did.

My guess is that some school bully cornered a nerd on the playground.

"Hey dweeboid!" he says, being intelligent as silt.

"Leave me alone, Bobby!"

"You're so lame, I bet you can't even beat Contra!" he says, unable to beat it himself.

"Yes I can!" the nerd lies. "I bet you don't even know about the last boss!"

"Y-Yeah I do!" the bully says, worried his bluff has been called

"That big Xenomorph looking thing? You remember it?" a grin widens across the nerd's face.

"You're makin' that up!" says the bully, taking a risk.

"Ha! I knew you didn't beat it!"

And thus the world of deceit began. Over the years, the nerd and his cohorts had to cover their asses. So various fake YouTube videos were made to show the "Later Levels," which may or may NOT actually exist.

It is my theory that NO ONE has actually beaten this game or its three main sequels, and not because of the brutal difficulty.

For those of you about to say I'm a pansy, I got past the motorbike level in battletoads, a legendarily difficult game level, without dying once.

No, it's not the difficulty.

It's because this game is a MIASMA of bad game design and stupid decisions. So let me take you through it piece by piece. Let me take you through MY experience.

Or as I like to call it: THE WORST TWO HOURS OF MY SHORT LIFE.

The game starts out with, to be fair, a pretty damn cool intro. It tells us that three years after the "Alien Wars" (i.e. Game 3), the aliens have come back to start it all up again and the military has sent four "specialists" to deal with the problem.

By the "specialists," they mean four guys without shirts.

They are Bill, Lance, Mad Dog, and Scorpion. The main difference between them being the color of their pants.

I select the one whose pants I liked the best (I think it was Lance, but who gives a sh*t), and I go on to the firs-

DEAD

Huh. That was quick. That's ten lives that went down the drain in less than five minutes. I must've done something wrong.

Oh! I remember! The code! I kept hearing that these games were nigh impossible unless you used a specific button combo on the title screen. The famous "Konami Code." Right! Here we go...

Up! Down! Up! Down! Left! Right! A! B! Start!

Okay that should have TRIPLED my lives. So let's get this started and....

It didn't work. Huh.

Okay, maybe I did it wrong.

No... No, I did it right...

Aha. Further research tells me that they have taken the Konami Code out of this installment.

Okeydoke, I guess we're hardcoring this one.

I've got to remember that this game was made in a very 80's mindset. If you don't know how to operate any of the controls, f$&k you. If you're having a hard time, that's good, because the more you lose, the more quarters you need to put in the machine.

Of course, I'm playing this on a home system, so this just seems needlessly cruel, but whatever.

Okay, I have to get serious. FOCUS DeAndrea, you can do this!

As I'm playing this, I'm questioning the practices of this military organization. Why do I have no shirt, let alone Kevlar, on? Why am I alone? Why isn't the helicopter that took me here not backing me up? Why am I alone? Why am I carrying the single worst rifle in the history of warfare? Why does it appear to fire kumquats? WHY AM I ALONE?!?!

The more I do that, the more I begin to question Konami's thoughts making this series. Why do all of the enemies take two hits before they drop, but I take only one? Why can't I back through the level to collect power ups? Why are 90% of the power ups useless? Why are Lance, Bill and Co. so annoying although they have no personality or character?

The questions mount as I FINALLY make it to the first boss. A wall.

I'm dead serious, it's a wall that shoots lasers at you. Thank you for the vote of confidence, game.

The first thing I notice is that the helicopter came back! I THEN notice that it has a minigun attached to it..... that it isn't using.

Guys? A little help? Laser-spewing wall of pain?

After several tries, I finally make it past the wall. I then make it to the second level, whereupon I am insta-killed by an exploding zombie.

I was about to pack this sh*t in right there but then my BROTHER (I don't like to name people in these reviews so let's call him M.G. Monk, or F$&kface, either works for me) tells me that HE got to the end of the SECOND level before giving up.

My pride gets the better of me, the words of my editor (let's call him Flying Dutchman) talking about professional integrity ring in my brain.


I'm sent into a blind fury, screaming through the entire first two levels. Beating my face against this uninspired hellmouth of a game. Taking all the punishment I can handle before I completely lose it.

I get to the end of the second level and I am trampled by regular enemies running away from the second boss.

And that is when I scream. Really. I scream. Loudly. The neighbors hear me.

People up the street hear me scream "F$&K THIS GAME! F$&K IT RIGHT IN ITS NOSE HOLE!!!!!!"

And that's my review in a nutshell. It's a samey, uninteresting, CATASTROPHE of a game. The brutal difficulty is the only thing that sets this game apart from any other dime-a-dozen Run N' Gun. The fact that these games have such a loyal fanbase confuses and infuriates me.

This game does NOTHING new. There is NOTHING unique about it. Take out the face-breaking-through-a-brick-wall difficulty, and what do you get? A guy with no personality or shirt firing at OTHER poorly designed characters with the worst guns imaginable. Whoop-dee-doodle-doo.

This game succeeds at nothing but trying my damn patience. My final recommendation? Don't waste your money, or your precious time.

Grrrrrr. I'm stressed out now, and I don't want to do another off-topic review! Dammit!

I need something.... HAPPY. Something just- just HAPPY for me!

NEXT POST: POKÉMON Y

.... Really?

Your not pulling my leg?

*Sniff* That'll work.

Until next time guys.