XCOM: Enemy Unknown

Uuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh..........

I have new sympathy for Ban Ki-moon.

I now understand what it is to handle the affairs of several nations at once.

Do you know what it is?

RAISING INFANT SEPTUPLETS.

Whenever you calm down one, three more get all fussy and start whining. By the end of the day you are so tired you're ready to topple onto your huge holographic globe projector.

Okay, I should take some aspirin and try to explain the history of these games, and this title in particular.

XCOM was one of the first tactics games ever created. It was also one of the most complicated, due to the fact that you had to manage the economic, bureaucratic and political aspects of war as well as your troops on the battlefield.

The premise was pretty simple. Aliens invade and start abducting people, lending credence to harmful stereotypes. A coalition of countries decides to put a bunch of money into a big hole and burn it by barely funding the XCOM project, a contingency plan in case of alien invasion. They put you in charge of this project because of your extensive command experience.

For me that means yelling at my cats during an episode of Colombo whilst eating Cheetos.

By the way, when I say you, I mean YOU. The characters talk directly to the fourth wall and refer to it as "Commander."

I would tell you about what's different about this title, but the answer would be the graphics and the upgrade system. That's it. It's essentially the same game, which is one of the most surprising things about it.

When this game was first announced, 2K studios made it seem like a first person shooter, removing the strategy element entirely. This caused MAJOR public outcry (including one VERY famous example ((YouTube: Spoony, Betrayal))) which caused them to release this game INSTEAD of the planned FPS. This title was immensely popular. So popular, in fact, a sequel is already in the works.

And I don't like it very much.

It's not that it's a bad game. Far from it. It actually has great 80's Sci-Fi movie feel to it. The character customization on the troops is damn near insane. The side characters are fun, and it all has this wonderful layer of CHEESE. The enemies all have name's like "Sectoid" and "Muton" and look like something out of an old UFO movie. The story doesn't hold up in the most wonderful way, and it was written by people like me who spend WAY too much time watching old Sci-Fi movies.

The combat is also really cool. You spend most of your time putting your troops in cover trying to keep them alive. It's very tense in a good way. Sometimes your units will panic and leap out of cover in blind fear. It's good at keeping you at the edge of your seat.

Now if I could ever edge BACK.

I come from a high strung family. We have a tendency to freak out at the little things. We all have ways of calming ourselves. My mom reads, my brother writes, I play video games.

This game..... does not calm me down. At all. It's one of those things that just pushes me to hyperventilation. This game is unadulterated PANIC.

"Panic" is in fact the operative word here. There are eight countries who fund XCOM, all of which have a "Panic Level" which indicates how close a country is to mass rioting. If it gets too high the government dissolves and the funding is lost. If six countries are overrun, it's GAME OVER. Adios. Goodbye.

There are ways to lower the panic of course. You can take missions in that country, fly a satellite over it, etc. The PROBLEM is that multiple countries will need your help equally as much at the same time. So you always have to pick and choose.

Whenever you lose a country's funding, this bald douchebag consumed in shadows calls you up and yells at you. At the end of each month he gives you a report card on how the project has been going.

I. HATE. GAMES. THAT. GRADE. YOU.

I hate them. Every time. Who the hell are you to judge me, asshat? I don't have to IMPRESS you! You're here to impress me. And... you have, for a lot of it. BUT NOT ENOUGH.

Another problem is that XCOM is a REACTIVE agency. So 60% of the game is spent waiting for the next disaster. And it's waiting in the worst possible way. It's like waiting for the clown you know is coming, but didn't want at your birthday party.

It's all just constant STRESS. This game is pure stress. I can't take too much of this game in one sitting, even watching someone else play it. My recommendation... carries no weight.

Like I said, I'm a high strung guy. A lot of people really like this game, and it IS very well made. This is a prime example of "not my cup of tea." If XCOM sounds interesting to you, give it a whirl.

As for me, I need a rest from games for a couple days. I think....

I think I'm going to watch some tv.

NEXT TIME: THE MCC'S TOP TEN FAVORITE TV SHOWS.