KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: Kingdom Hearts

"I know now... Beyond a shadow of a doubt....

Kingdom Hearts is LIGHT!"

CAUTION: READ THE PROLOGUE POST BEFORE YOU READ THIS. OTHERWISE YOUR BRAIN MAY EXPLODE

So in replaying these games, examining the plot, and taking notes for this retrospective, I got a new appreciation for how BATSH*T INSANE these games are.

I first got this game in 2005 around the time the second game came out. I was eleven, it made PERFECT sense to me then!

What? Shadow demons, giant key, guy with white hair, then there's Mickey Mouse. What?!

I still say that these games make sense. It just TAKES a while to get to the sense with all this CRAZY.

Brace yourselves, people, we're about to enter the labyrinth.

This is Kingdom Hearts.

The game starts out with a long and confusing opening cinematic, accompanied by an insipid J-Pop song I can't remove from my head with a serving spork.

The tutorial showing how our game works is actually very cool. Our protagonist, Sora, is having a dream where he is put into a world of stained glass.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Sora

Since he is the main protagonist of the whole damn series, I'd make a mental note of his name.

He's standing on murals of Disney princesses as a disembodied voice is guiding him.

While in this dream, he has encounters with mysterious shadow monsters.

After fighting one HUGE one at the end, Sora awakens to the face of his crush Kairi.

His best friend Riku soon joins them.

NAMES YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Riku
Kairi

These two are VERY important to the story of this game, and all subsequent games in the series.

Kairi is kind, funny, supportive, and probably one of my favorite female characters in video games.

Riku is an idiot (I'll get to why in a minute).

The three of them live on a group of islands that are cut off from the outside world.

Their dream has always been to leave the islands and see any new worlds that may lie beyond. They have been building a raft to accomplish that goal.

Smash cut to the Magic Kingdom where Donald Duck is walking through the halls dressed as a wizard.

*CRACK* Ah! Son of a-- God DAMN it game! You can't DO that! You just gave me whiplash!

Donald is a Court Wizard. He is going to deliver a message to his King (I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count), when he discovers that the King is missing.

There is a note left in his place warning Donald that the stars have been going out one by one.

The worlds are being consumed by Darkness.

Definition time!

World: In this game this can be simplified to "the setting of a Disney movie." The Worlds are different dimensions floating in this big cosmic ether.

The letter goes on to instruct Donald to find a man named Leon, he'll explain what's going on.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Leon

Also, somewhere in the Worlds, there is a "Key." Donald has to find who ever has it, and no matter what STICK WITH HIM.

Also, if Donald could apologize to Minnie for him? I mean he left without saying where he was going....

Donald goes to warn the captain of the royal guard, Goofy.

Goofy and Donald are sent into the Ether in their dimension hopping Gummi Ship.

Yay! Definition time again!

Gummi Ship: A dimension hopping vessel made out of a gelatinous material.

I love these games.

Back on the islands, Sora begins collecting provisions for the trip. In a small cave, he comes across a mysterious figure clad in a brown robe.

The robed figure is speaking in riddles, saying that this World has been connected, tied to the darkness.

The figure makes sure to antagonize Sora before he leaves.

"One who knows nothing can understand nothing.

"You understand NOTHING."

That night a storm whips up. Worried about the raft, Sora storms out to check on it.

And he encounters the same shadow beings he met in his dream.

He tries to fight them off, but to no avail. He runs off to Riku and Kairi.

He finds Riku staring at the sky, a look of mad desire in his eyes.

"This is our way out, Sora! I'm not afraid of the darkness!"

He offers Sora his hand before he is engulfed in shadows.

Sora is about to be so enveloped, until a mysterious weapon appears in his hand.

A disembodied voice speaks only one word. Keyblade.

Keyblade: A sword shaped like a giant ornate key. Forged to battle the darkness. Can open any lock. Special "Keychains" are used to change its form and power.

Riku has disappeared. Sora desperately goes to find Kairi.

She's in a trance. She soon disappears in the same haze that claimed Riku.

The Islands are soon engulfed in darkness.

Donald and Goofy are walking through Traverse Town (another world) and look up at the sky. They see a star go out.

I LOVE the direction of this scene. It does such a great job of putting this (let's face it) RIDICULOUS premise in such a light that, not only am I ACCEPTING it, I'm INTERESTED.

The stakes are set, and set HIGH. UNIVERSES are coming to an end.

Sora wakes up in Traverse Town as well.

..... Okaaaay. How?

Seriously? How did he get there?! This is NEVER explained! Ever! He was on the island, the island exploded, now he's in a town that looks like something out of Victorian England. What?!

Ugh. Okay.

Sora runs into Leon. (Remember Leon?) Leon explains the Keyblade to him. He also explains the shadow creatures.

Heartless: When someone fully surrenders his or her Heart to Darkness, he or she will become a mindless creature of shadows. They come in different varieties. Their goal is simply to multiply. To bring every Heart screaming into the dark.

Hey! Leon is actually Squall Leonheart from FFVIII! And....

And I KNOW that voice....

Hang on a sec....

DAVID BOREANAZ?!?!

David Boreanaz? Really? Angel? Booth from Bones? THAT David Boreanaz?

I think I recognize Sora's voice too....
HALEY JOEL OSMENT?!?!

Okay I have to get the f$&k off this IMDB page before my brain leaks out my ears.

Leon also tells Sora, (and other FF characters explain to Donald and Goofy) that Traverse Town is a world that is a refuge for citizens of Worlds that have been consumed by the Heartless.

They explain that they used to live on a different world, under the care of their leader Ansem.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Ansem

Burn that name into your corneas. He's NEVER going to go away.

Ansem, under the request of The King, left his Home World to write a report on the Heartless.

Without his protection, the Heartless managed to take his Home World, under the command of (drumroll please)

MALEFICENT!

Yes! Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty is one of the MAIN Villains of this game, and DAMN can she carry it off.

She's actually leading a Cabal of Disney villains, including.

Captain Hook from Peter Pan (Whatever.)

Jafar from Aladdin (HELL yes!)

Ursula from The Little Mermaid (She WAS the best part of that movie....)

Hades from Hercules (I liked this movie better than a lot of people did, so I'm glad to see it represented.)

Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas (Didn't even know this was a Disney movie, but AWESOME.)

During a battle Sora, Donald and Goofy meet up, and a friendship is forged as strong as steel.

The trinity go out in the Gummi Ship to save the world from darkness.

And that..... Was the first three hours of a 30 hour game.

Okay I've got to speed this up.

Luckily I can describe the middle of the game in only a few paragraphs.

The trio go to different Worlds (the setting of each Disney movie mentioned, plus a few others) taking out the Heartless and each member of the Cabal one by one. Each one of them giving an AMAZING boss fight, by the way.

Meanwhile, Maleficent has Riku and Kairi. Kairi is in a coma (for.... reasons, something to do with her Heart being missing) and Maleficent is twisting Riku to Darkness, telling him that Sora is responsible for Kairi's condition.

Riku is sent to capture the Disney Princesses. Keep in mind, this was made in 2002. There were only FIVE legit princesses at the time, and (for reasons I'll get into later) they needed SEVEN. So they had to fill in two spots.

One of them is Kairi (no sh*t) the other... was Alice.

Yes. THAT Alice. Alice in Wonderland Alice.

Sora also keeps coming across pieces of Ansem's Report. And they're....... manic to say the very least. You can tell he's slowly losing it as you read them.

The last two are REALLY damn creepy.

There we go. That cleared up a good 22 hours of game! So let's get to the end.

After Sora beats the crap out of every childhood bad guy you've ever known, he gets to one of the best final stages in gaming history

Hollow Bastion.

I cannot express how much I LOVE this level. Hollow Bastion is Ansem's Home World. It's a huge castle, with this whole magic clockwork thing going on. It's awesome!


Riku confronts Sora outside of the castle.

I should take a moment to explain the difference between these two characters.

Sora is very happy-go-lucky, almost goofy. A lot of the time he doesn't appear to be taking the things that happen to him seriously, but he has a STRONG sense of right and wrong. I'll get to the apex of that in a moment.

Riku.... is a moron.

Okay, okay, I'm not being fair. I actually really like his character arc, and by the end of KH2 I actually end up liking HIM.......

But sweet GOD does he suck in this game!

If you'll recall, the dude sold his soul to Satan because the weather got choppy. That has to pole-vault him into the VG Douchebag Hall of Fame.

Anyway, Riku steals the Keyblade and takes the time to remind Donald and Goofy that they were supposed to stick with the guy with the key.

So prepare to spend the next half an hour unequipped and alone. Enjoy!

When you finally reach Riku, we get one of the best scenes in the game.

Riku proceeds to kick Sora's ass up and down the castle. Just as he is about to deliver the final blow he is blocked....

by Goofy.

Riku: You'd betray your king!

Goofy: Not on your life! But I'm not gonna betray Sora either. Gawrsh, we've become real good friends with all we've been through together.

Sora; Goofy....

Goofy: See you later, Donald! Will you tell the King I'm really sorry?

Donald: Wait Goofy! We'll tell him together.

Rushing to Sora's aid, Donald and Goofy fill him with a newfound power. The Keyblade returns to his hands.

Have fun giving Riku a DESPERATELY deserved ass kicking.

After defeating Riku, you come across Maleficent and she explains what she's been up to.

She has been collecting "The Seven Princesses of Purest Heart." (Snow White, Aurora, Cinderella, Jasmine, Ariel, Alice, and Kairi) Stealing their souls is the only way to open the Door to Darkness.

Door to Darkness: Portal to hell. Also walls off the mystical Kingdom Hearts.

......... Sigh.......

Kingdom Hearts: The source of the power within every Heart. The soul of all Worlds.

Everybody got that? Okay! Moving on.

Apparently when the Islands (remember the Islands?) were destroyed, Kairi's heart sort of..... hitched a ride with Sora's.

And again.... How? How did she do this? She didn't even know what a Heart was before she slipped into a coma so...

Anyway, Sora fights Maleficent. The fight, however, is interrupted...

by Riku.

Riku has taken an incredibly monstrous form. He almost looks like a Heartless.

He appears to be speaking in two voices.

He powers up Maleficent. She turns into the Dragon from the end of the movie. A truly epic, and damn near IMPOSSIBLE boss fight ensues.

After Maleficent is defeated, Riku confronts Sora, wielding a Keyblade of his own.

Riku says that THIS Keyblade is forged out of Darkness and is meant to steal Hearts.

Sora finally comes to his senses.

Sora: You're not Riku! Who are you?

Ansem: My name is Ansem, Seeker of Darkness.

.......

Okay, you saw this coming.

If you didn't see this coming READING this, you did if you were playing.

So yeah, apparently when Ansem was writing the report on the Heartless, he sort of.... BECAME one. The most powerful one.


He's had control of them since the beginning. He's been manipulating Maleficent from the start.

Riku's true nature takes over for one shining moment. He throws Sora the black Keyblade, and tells him to get Kairi out of there while there is still time.

Sora runs out with Kairi in his arms.

Knowing that Kairi's Heart is still inside of him, Sora stabs himself with the black Keyblade. This frees Kairi's soul...

But turns HIMSELF into a Heartless.

REMEMBER THAT THIS HAPPENED. This is one of the most important events in the series, and BOY is it going to lead to stupid.

Long story short, Kairi changes him BACK (how?) and gives Sora her charm bracelet.

"It's my lucky charm, be SURE to bring it back to me."

Sora, Donald, and Goofy go off to fight Ansem. Ansem says that the reason he's doing what he's doing is that he thinks that Darkness is the Heart's TRUE essence, blah blah blah, evil evil evil, philosophy philosophy philosophy.

I'm being unfair, as clichéd as his ideals ARE, Ansem is a really cool villain. He's got the last FOUR HOURS of gametime to be threatening, and he pulls it off big time.

He transforms Riku's body into his own (through magic or something) and.....

And he looks exactly like every other Final Fantasy villain since game VI.

It's COOL and everything, just unoriginal. Long white hair. Really tall. Deep tan. Stupid outfit.

Whatever. After THREE CONSECUTIVE HARD AS CRAP BOSS BATTLES, Ansem takes his final form---

HOLY CRAP THERE'S A SPACESHIP MADE OUT OF DEMONS GROWING OUT OF HIS BACK!

Uhhh.... Dude do you need me to pop that for you or.... You know what, never mind.

This final boss fight is HARD. Like full force of a Contra game hard.

So Sora beats Ansem. Ansem turns tail to the Door to Darkness. Sora chases him there.

Ansem believes that Kingdom Hearts is made of Darkness. So obviously it will give him a Power Boost, right?

Wrong!

Yes, Kingdom Hearts is Light. And (in one of the most hilarious defeats in gaming) it VAPORIZES Ansem.

The Door to Darkness is slowly opening, Sora, Donald, and Goofy rush to close it, lest the Heartless on the other side rush through.

Wait...... What happened to Kingdom Hearts?

It killed Ansem..... and then it just LEFT?

Why would you store the source of all goodness and light in HELL anyway? That's like storing your matches IN your ice cream!

Riku helps from the other side (how did he GET there, what in the f$&k?!), along with... another guardian angel.

"It's okay Sora, you can trust King Mickey."

Mickey tells Sora that this isn't goodbye. He and Riku will catch up eventually.

Riku tells Sora to make sure Kairi is safe.

The Heartless defeated and the Worlds restored, Sora bids farewell to Kairi and he, Donald and Goofy go off to find Riku and the King.

And.... that's Kingdom Hearts.

While I don't like it as much as 2, this did get me hooked on the series. I hope that you understood half of what I said. If you didn't stop now, it's only going to get weirder.

This game would've made my top ten favorite games list, if I didn't spend most of my time asking HOW. To be fair, usually what's happening is so awesome (or so BIZARRE) I don't think to ask the question until later.

Also, this was a flaw that was corrected in the next game.

So join me next time, for my favorite video game of all time!

Oh wait....

First I have to cover that, don't I? Crap.

Join me next time as I cover my LEAST favorite game in the series.

And one of my most hated games of all time.

NEXT ON THE KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: KINGDOM HEARTS: CHAIN OF MEMORIES

Uuuuuuuugh.