"I'm all that's left.....
Or maybe I'm all there ever was.....
What about you?
Do you remember your TRUE name?"
CAUTION: THIS REVIEW IS PART OF A RETROSPECTIVE. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN READING THIS REVIEW, PLEASE READ THE OTHER POSTS THAT CAME BEFORE THIS ONE.
We're finally here.
Happy 2nd anniversary, readers. Today we look at my favorite video game ever made.
You've got to understand, this is not just a game I think is good. This is a game I replay every now and then to remind myself that video games can still BE good.
I have never seen a better design and narrative delivered more beautifully in a video game.
I may have called Batman: Arkham City "the perfect video game" in my review, and it kind of was.
The thing is, Arkham City did what it NEEDED to do, spectacularly.
KH2 did what it WANTED to do, spectacularly.
If you've been reading so far, you know that you can't call these games "safe." This is a batsh*t crazy Disney/Final Fantasy cross fanfic made by a nerd who NEVER thought he'd get funding.
It is nothing short of a miracle that this franchise saw the light of day.
I am so glad it did.
This is Kingdom Hearts 2.
For those of you who can't remember due to blinding rage, at the end of Chain of Go F$&k Yourselves, Sora got himself frozen like a Popsicle due to the fact that he had his memories ripped apart one by one by Cyndi Lauper and a dumb bimbo named Naiminé.
So how are we going to start this game?
Enter Roxas.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Roxas
I..... I don't LIKE Roxas.
In the KH1 review I talked about how Sora is a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, a little stupid, and just FUN to play as.
Roxas is the exact OPPOSITE of that. He's depressive, whiny, somber, morally ambiguous, and just generally IRRITATING.
And I'm stuck with him for THREE HOURS.
He lives in Twilight Town. He's excited to spend the last week of his summer vacation with his friends!
Say, remember how KH1 handled it's tutorials?
That weird dream Sora was having, with the stained glass? It made you REALLY interested in the world they set up and got you a feel for a gameplay in really clever way.
Well, enjoy five days in the mundane life of a whiny teenager.
Get a pedestrian job!
Enter this weird fighting tournament the town is having!
Try to go to the beach!
Fail!
Okay... Okay.... I'm not being fair. The opening actually DOES pull you in ALMOST as well as the first one.
It becomes clear that Roxas has some connection to Sora. He keeps having dreams about the first game.
Every time the dream is over you see static and hear a computerized voice telling you how close we are to finishing the "restoration."
Then weird things start happening throughout Twilight Town.
First of all is the theft of several _____.
What the what?
______.
______!
Son of a bitch! Really we're doing this now?! I know this is what happened in the game but---
Grrrrrr.
Yes, not just the ______, but the WORD ______ has also been stolen.
Everyone accuses Roxas. So Roxas goes out and tries to clear his name.
He catches the thief in the act and chases him to an old abandoned mansion.
The thief is not human. It is a monster in a white jumpsuit.
This is NOT a Heartless, I'll get into what he IS later.
The monster speaks to him.
"We have come for you, my liege."
Roxas tries to fight them off with his baseball bat, to no avail.
The Keyblade appears in his hands.
He uses it to defeat the monster and then it disappears.
He retrieves the stolen PHOTOS (thank you) and it turns out that all of the stolen photos were of Roxas.
"You think that the thief was trying to steal the REAL Roxas or something?"
At that point we cut to DiZ and a guy in organization uniform talking around a computer.
I will explain who he actually IS later in the review, but let's just call him AGR. (Armani Grim Reaper)
DiZ: Organization miscreants, they've found us.
AGR: Why would the Organization steal photographs?
DiZ: Similar data. The fools couldn't understand the difference.
Roxas also has a run in with Naminé.
The entire town seems to pause and she approaches him.
"I wanted to meet you. At least one time."
The town unfreezes and then goes along as if nothing happened.
A few days later, more of the white things show up to meet Roxas.
They are under the command of Axel.
A memory flashes back into Roxas's head.
Roxas: We're.... best friends.... Right?
Axel: Sure, but I'm not getting turned into a Dusk for..... Wait! You remember?! That's great! But, you know, I gotta make sure...
What's our boss's name?
Roxas has no response. A fight ensues between the two of them.
Roxas wins and Axel runs off. The town proceeds as if nothing had happened.
Meanwhile DiZ is sitting in the foyer of the mansion.
He is joined by AGR. AGR asks DiZ why he's going through all of this trouble. Why he's set all of this up for Roxas.
"Revenge."
DiZ asks the hooded figure his name.
The man drops his hood.
"It's Ansem."
DiZ seems to find that amusing. He laughs quietly to himself.
Roxas wakes up and goes to meet his friends.
No one can see him. People pass right through him. Confused and anguished, Roxas has no choice to follow the voice of Saruman.
"Roxas! To the mansion! The time has come...."
Roxas runs to the mansion, fighting off the creatures in white as he goes.
He heads up to the bedroom of a Mansion, and......
And it's Naminé's room from Castle Oblivion? Huh?
Uhhhhh. Okay.
So yeah, Roxas sees a bunch of Naminé's sketches and memories come flooding back.
As if this is a surprise to ANYONE, Roxas was a member of Organization XIII, until some things happened (explained in the second worst game in the series) that caused him to doubt the nature of his existence, and what the Organization's leader was preaching to him.
He was good friends with Axel. So when he struck out on his little mutiny Axel did what he COULD do, and gave him a head start.
He ended up having a fight with RIKU, and kicked his ass from pillar to post.
After that fight he ended up in the care of DiZ and the man calling himself "Ansem." They threw him in a computer simulation that put him into this odd "Leave it to Beaver"-esque lifestyle.
In this flashback DiZ says to "Ansem" that once Sora has his memories back, Roxas is going to die.
Ansem: Poor thing.....
DiZ: It's the fate of a Nobody.
They're going to give you the definition for this later in the game, but I'm going to give it to you now.
Nobody: When someone of strong will becomes a Heartless, a Nobody is created as well, made out of the rest of the victim's identity (mind, will, memories, etc.). Unlike the Heartless, the Nobodies aren't mindless. They act with a purpose. While most appear as monsters, a select few can retain a human form.
Naminé tells Roxas that she's going to need to kill him, kind of.
He won't really DIE, while ROXAS will cease to exist, Roxas was always a part of SORA, so it's more like he'll be COMPLETED than KILLED.
Roxas, the ever-likable character that he is, bitches about this.
"That's a lie! My heart belongs to ME!"
Whiny little twat....
DiZ shows up, drags Naminé away, and tells Roxas to meet him in the basement.
On his way Roxas has a fight with Axel, in which he pulls out TWO Keyblades.
Roxas wins and they have their little bromance moment.
Axel: Let's meet again in the next life.
Roxas: I'll be waiting.
Axel: Heh, moron. Just because YOU have a next life....
Axel then leaves. He is NOT dead yet.
Roxas moves into the room with Sora's stasis pod.
DiZ shows up again, acts like a dick, then leaves Roxas alone with Sora.
We get the one good line we will ever get from Roxas.
"You're lucky, Sora. It looks like my summer vacation is.... over."
And then we.... get the title card?
I've been playing this game for THREE HOURS. Did you think I'd forget what I was playing?!
Whatever. The lameness is over. Let the awesome begin!
Sora wakes up along with Donald and Goofy and, fortunately for them, they can't remember Chain of Memories. Only one note tells them anything about what happened after KH1.
"Thank Naminé"
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. MOVING ON.
In the middle of Twilight Town and not having any idea where to go. They head to the train station.
They're beset upon by a group of lesser Nobodies. The guys in white from before. The horde is too big for them (oh man, you don't know how funny that IS yet) and they get tired out. They are saved by.....
"Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Mickey!
Hey Mickey!"
Yes! Mickey shows up wielding a Keyblade of his own. He dispatches the Heartless with ease and tells Sora to board the weird looking train.
"We'll catch up later. The train knows the way."
The trio get on the train and it speeds them toward a mysterious tower in the World Ether.
Outside of the tower is our main Disney threat for the game.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Pete
You probably don't know this guy's NAME, but I'm sure you've seen him before.
You know that big guy who acts as Mickey's Elmer Fudd? The captain from Steamboat Willie? The neighbor from the Goof Troop? That's Pete.
Pete used to work for Mickey, but, due to the fact that he was an ASSHOLE, was banished. He met up with Maleficent and took his natural place as her lackey.
Why didn't we meet Pete in the first game, you ask?
I like to think it's because Pete is so blisteringly incompetent Maleficent put him out of the way until she felt like she had no other choice.
I LOVE this guy as a villain. There is going to be an awful lot of heavy stuff coming up, so it's nice to beat on brainless muscle for laughs.
Pete is here to turn the master of the tower, Yen Sid, into a Heartless.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Master Yen Sid
Another Disney character I bet you didn't know had a name! He's the title sorcerer in The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
Pete has no knowledge of Maleficent's demise from KH1. When he's told about this he throws Heartless at Sora, Donald, and Goofy.
After being given a thorough trouncing, Pete runs off, leaving the trio to explore the tower.
When they meet up with Yen Sid, he explains that he TOO was once a Keyblade wielder. As a matter of fact, he trained Mickey.
Something you're going to have to accept, even though the plot threw it whizzing past your head: There is, yes, more than ONE Keyblade.
As a matter of fact, by the end of this game, four of our main characters will be Keyblade users.
Yen Sid explains to Sora about the Nobodies......
Sigh.....
And it's right here that I have my one, and only ONE, major issue with the game.
This line:
"Nobodies do not TRULY exist at all."
..........
What?
That is the single stupidest thing I've ever heard.... anywhere!!! What the f$&k was kicking my ass back at the Train Station, Yen Sid?! The WIND?!
Before I go on with this rant, and I will in a moment, the definition you've all been waiting for.
Yen Sid also explains about the Nobody chain of command.
Organization XIII: A cult of thirteen powerful Nobodies. They control the lesser Nobodies. Each member has a unique power and weapon. Their names are constructed by taking the name they had BEFORE their Heart was taken, adding an X to it, then anagramming the whole shmeggegle.
Come up with your own Organization XIII name at home! I came up with Xorggrye for me, Thwextam for my brother, and Rixoana for my mother! I have too much spare time.
But this leads me back to my rant.
If these guys are Nobodies, and therefore they don't exist......
Can we go home?
Obviously there is no threat, because there is no Organization so..... are we done? Hooray stalwart heroes of the land?
I can understand that they aren't HUMAN, but to say that when something doesn't have a soul, it isn't REAL?
That doesn't follow!
So you're saying if I go and burn down Town Hall, they can't prosecute me because there was never a Town Hall?
"What smoldering remains of a Mercedes I just threw six live grenades into? There was never anything there! I had absolutely nothing in my hand! There is no ground!"
This isn't a nitpick either. "Non-existence" is a constant theme in this game. It's mentioned SEVERAL times.
I still LOVE this game, but that always bothered me.
Anyway, now that Sora, Donald and Goofy understand their new mission, Yen Sid gives them two parting gifts.
One is a magical set of clothing made for Sora. It has the power to fuse with one or more of his friends and power Sora up.
Welcome to the Drive mechanic! One of my favorite things about this game.
The suit starts out mostly black. The first form you can shift into is called "Valor," you do this by fusing with Goofy. The clothes become bright red and you are now wielding two Keyblades. It also hugely increases your attack power.
By fusing with Donald you get "Wisdom" form. The clothes become electric blue, you slide around like you're on roller-skates, and can shoot magic bullets out of the Keyblade. This increases your magic abilities.
Fusion with both will get you "Master" form. The clothes turn gold and you get all of the bonuses listed above.
These forms only last for a limited time. Try to push it PAST that time, or use them too often, and you take on "Anti" form. A Heartless Sora that DOUBLES your attack and speed but HALVES your defense.
USE THIS MECHANIC DURING BOSS FIGHTS ONLY. Anti Form LOOKS cool, but it will screw you HARD if you transform into it during a fight with an Organization member.
Anyway, Yen Sid's second gift is the Gummi Ship and a hearty "Get the f$&k out."
When they leave, a raven appears at the window of the tower. It drops a black gown on the floor.
The gown slowly rises.
Maleficent has returned.
Sora returns to Hollow Bastion (which has become a normal town since the end of the last game) and runs into Leon and company.
Leon tells them that they have Hollow Bastion mostly under control, except for around the castle.
There is a FIELD of Heartless around the place. They've managed to keep it CONTAINED, but they can't get in.
There's also Nobody activity, as is made clear when the remaining members of the Organization show up to taunt Sora. (For those of you keeping score, with five dead at Castle Oblivion, and Roxas dead at the beginning of THIS game, that leaves SEVEN members left.) They all have their hoods up so no names for right now.
They twist their curly mustaches and leave, but one member stays behind to taunt Sora some more.
And then he says something curious.
"That's right! He used to give me the exact same look!"
He leaves and Sora, Donald and Goofy go on to clear a path into the castle.
Leon and co. set up base in the castle postern, and bid farewell to the trio.
Okay.... That was the first four hours...... Of a fifty hour game........ And this is already the longest post I've ever written.
Alright! Let's get to summarizing!
Sora does his thing, in Disney Worlds having occasional run-ins with Pete and Organization.
Before we move on, I want to talk about the boss fights.
I have never seen boss battles done more perfectly in ANY video game. KH was always good at bringing the epic, but this game goes above and beyond the call of awesome.
Here's an example, do you remember the ballroom from Beauty and the Beast?
It was in every trailer. Belle's in that yellow dress. Beast's in that RIDICULOUS suit. "Song as old as time, Beauty and the Beast..."
In this game you fight THE BALLROOM.
A Heartless possesses the ENTIRE BALLROOM. It becomes hostile, and you have to kill it.
How do you think that would've gone down in the movie?
"Song as old as time, Beauty and the-OH GOD!!!!!"
Back on the Islands (remember? The Islands? From KH1?) Kairi is tired of waiting for Sora and Riku to come home.
A portal shows up on the beach next to her. She decides that she don't wanna be like Cinderella (sitting in a dank cold dusty cellar) and she's going to see where this leads.
Before she can do that Axel appears out of it, and tries to kidnap her.
"You and I are alike Kairi. We both miss someone we care about."
In one of the best moments in the series, Kairi tells Axel to go f$&k himself and runs off into a second portal that seems to appear specifically for her escape.
Axel finally catches up with her and manages to capture her.
Sora, Donald, and Goofy head back to Twilight Town. There they meet up with a member of the Organization.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Saïx
Saïx is the Organization's second in command. He has a very erudite, calm, and CRUEL demeanor.
Saïx tells Sora that Axel has Kairi. He ALSO says that Axel has gone AWOL. What he's doing isn't in the Organization's best interest, and he'll stop at nothing to turn Sora into a Heartless.
Saïx gives one more piece of advice before leaving:
"You just keep slaying those Heartless."
After leaving Twilight Town they discover that Hollow Bastion is covered in Darkness and go to investigate.
Leon has found Ansem's computer. It was behind a secret door in his study.
They go to investigate, but are interrupted by a familiar face.
"Hi fellas!"
Mickey has shown up to see what all the Darkness around the city was about. Sora tells him about Ansem's computer and Mickey has a curious response.
Mickey: Oh! So maybe you can tell me where he is!
Sora: What?! Your Majesty, we defeated Ansem, remember?
Mickey: Gosh, I guess I have some 'splaining to do.
They can't hear it now, however, they're called away to the computer.
They have to fix the computer.
They go INSIDE the computer.
^_^
After the Tron level, (far and away my FAVORITE level in the game, if you couldn't tell from my URL, this blog's name, and my net handle, I love Tron) a curious image appears on the screen of someone they have never seen before.
Mickey sees it and instantly names the figure.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Ansem the Wise.
Confused? So were we all. Allow Mickey to explain.
"That fella you boys defeated wasn't the REAL Ansem, he just went around tellin' everybody that he was."
Still confused? It'll make sense in a bit.
Mickey also says that the Nobody that was created when whoever this guy was was turned into a Heartless is the leader of Organization XIII.
Leon bursts in and says that the Heartless have gone wild, and they're engaging in battle with the Organization.
Sora heads out there, and TRUE EPICNESS ENSUES.
Sora has his first duel with an Organization member. Demyx. You don't need to remember his name but the fight is all kinds of awesome.
Demyx's superpower is hydrokenesis, and his weapon...... well he CALLS it a "Sitar" but it LOOKS like a bass guitar and makes organ noises.
All I know for sure is that it HURTS.
This is the hardest boss fight in the game so far. As it should be. Demyx is very good at filling the entire arena with PAIN.
After the fight another member of the Organization appears to kill Goofy.
Testament to how good the directing is: I was fooled for a good 10 seconds before logic kicked in.
"They'll pay for this."
Guess who said that. Go on, guess.
Mickey Mouse.
Mickey Mouse stoically looks at the body of his dead friend, says "They'll pay for this," whips out a Keyblade, and then dives into a fierce melee killing everything that comes within ten feet of him.
I don't.... I can't...... I mean......
There are no words. This is the most awesome thing that has EVER happened.
After that it is ON. Sora and Donald go berserk. The party screams into battle hacking down everything that comes in sight.
This sequence is AMAZING. It's an example of gameplay mixing with story in the best way. YOU'RE as pissed off as Sora is.
Of course, Goofy's fine.
"Gee Donald, I've been bumped on the head lots of times."
Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mickey head back out to the battle......
And come face to face with the embodiment of their fears.
Mickey finally recognizes him.... Well who he ONCE was
MOST IMPORTANT NAME IN ALL OF KINGDOM HEARTS:
Xehanort
Ansem the Wise had six apprentices. The number 1, Xehanort, wanted to do experiments on the nature of the Heart. Specifically it's reactions to darkness.
Ansem the Wise constantly held Xehanort back. Xehanort became resentful and eventually went mad. Saying that "Ansem" was a name worthy of too much respect for a man with no vision
He adopted the name for himself.
The Organization's leader smiles softly at being called Xehanort.
"How long has it been since I abandoned that name?"
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Xemnas
And that........ was the halfway point of the game.
........
So listen guys, I'm going to cut this off here. This post is ALREADY running long and I have a lot more to talk about.
TO BE CONTINUED
I'll see you guys on Tuesday.
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