"A scattered dream that's like a far off memory.....
Or a far off memory that's like a scattered dream?
I want to line the pieces up....
Yours, and mine."
CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS PART OF A RETROSPECTIVE. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS REVIEW PLEASE READ THE TWO OTHER POSTS THAT CAME BEFORE IT.
**Editor's note**
The following review contains screaming and some pretty strong f$&king language
Reader discretion is advised.
******************
Oh god.......
I.... I don't like this game.
I kinda hate it...
A lot.
Some of you may be wondering why, since I like Kingdom Hearts, and KH2 is my favorite video game of all time, Kingdom Hearts isn't my favorite game SERIES.
..... Well....
It holds a lofty third place (behind Pokémon and Ace Attorney). It would be higher, but it has a slight problem.
I can sum up this problem in two words. "Bridge Titles."
What is a bridge title? A bridge title is a shorter installment in a series that comes BETWEEN main installments, specifically to set the characters in their proper places for the next main game.
Kingdom Hearts has had two main installments.
There are SEVEN games in the series.
The bridge games range from very, very good (Dream Drop Distance), to the virtually unplayable.
Two of these games are on my top ten most HATED games list.
And this one.....
This one is higher than the other one.
While the other one was a complete waste of my time story-wise, at least I could entertain myself with the combat.
This thing..... Ugh. Let's get this over with.
Sora, Donald, and Goofy are wandering through.... somewhere.
Actually, this is a good question. Where the hell ARE they?
They ended the last game on the precipice of the Door to Darkness. THIS game, they're wandering through a grassy field.
What World is this? Is this still Hollow Bastion? How did they GET here? What direction are they headed?
Ugh. They're looking for Riku and Mickey, when they run into Pluto.
Okay, WHAT?!
How? Pluto was, yes, in the last game. He came to Traverse Town with Donald and Goofy. I didn't mention him because he had no effect on the plot, and then he f$&ked off.
So is this the same World as Traverse Town? I doubt it, since Traverse Town is a pocket dimension consisting of ONLY the town. So how did Pluto get here? Where is here?
Oh my god, we're two minutes into the opening cinematic and I already I have enough to bitch about for HOURS. We have to move on. If I point out all the plot holes, we'll be here all month.
In Pluto's mouth is a letter bearing King Mickey's royal seal.
HOW THE F---- *punches own face* Moving on!
Pluto runs off with the letter. The trio give chase until....
They decide to stop.
Yeah, the next cut has Sora and company camping for the night, and Pluto is nowhere to be seen.
Well, that was five minutes of life I'm not getting back. HAVE A POINT!
During the night Sora hears a voice. He goes to investigate and is accosted by the Armani Grim Reaper.
I actually really like the outfit this guy is wearing. He's clad all in black. Hooded black trench coat. Black gloves. Black boots. Black pants.
You're going to be seeing a LOT of this outfit, so keep it in mind. Everyone in this villain group wears it.
Anyhow, Armani leads the trio to a great big castle. Within the castle he explains to Sora how the castle works.
Definition time. Hoo-freaking-ray.
Castle Oblivion: A fortress that alters the memories of all who enter. Is controlled by (oh f$&k me) magic cards.
Welcome to your unnecessary gameplay change! Or, as I like to call it, THE COMBAT SYSTEM FROM THE BOWELS OF HADES.
You see, everything in Castle Oblivion is controlled by cards. Attacks are cards. Magic is cards. The Worlds are cards. Donald and Goofy are cards. Friendship is cards. EVERYTHING IS CARDS!!!
And it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
It sucks so bad. Not because it's hard to figure out, but because it makes the entire game boring as spit.
Each card has a point value ranging from 0 to 9. Any card labeled 0 trumps anything your opponent can play.
So as soon as I could I filled my deck to the brim with 0 cards.
Just keep pressing the A button. Over and over again. No matter what the enemy does you need do nothing to dodge it. Just keep pressing A, and you will win without even trying. Game's broken!
Why did they do this? The combat in the first game was fine. Why change it?
Oh... Oh right.
This was a Game Boy Advance game.
The first game was on the Playstation 2 (probably the best VG system ever made), and since this is a Bridge, it doesn't get a roomy console release, it gets shunted to a handheld.
Hey, I LIKE handheld systems. I'm probably better with THEM than I am with platform consoles.
I'm just asking for better combat than this ridiculous easily broken pile of horsesh!t.
There are other combat systems you could have gone with, like the one in Summon Night: Swordcraft Story a (far superior) game for the same system! Why make it this ridiculous card game?
Ugh, anyway, that was the mess of gameplay, let's get back to the mess of a plot.
The guy in the coat tosses Sora a World Card and... SON OF A BITCH!
World Card: The levels in this abortion of a game. Changes one floor of the castle into a World Sora has encountered in the past. Made from Sora's memories.
Moving on!
It is a Card of Traverse Town, so you repeat the Traverse Town level from the first game.
So I'm playing KH1, but with crap gameplay and graphics. Good to know.
Ugh. So after you're done with that, Armani Grim Reaper shows up to "test" Sora, but he is interrupted by one of his coworkers.
He has his hood down. So we can see his face, and he gives his name.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Axel
His name is Axel. Get it memorized.
Did you like the phrase "Got it memorized?" No? Well too bad! Axel will only be repeating it a THOUSAND times.
He will say it whenever he imparts information. And guess who you're getting MOST of your exposition from for the next few games?
This catchphrase is going to throw you in a corner and beat you like it's Chris Brown on an average Wednesday.
The thing is, I LIKE Axel. He's got a really cool fighting style. He has these two Chakrams (a wagon wheel with spikes on) and he's pyrokenetic. It leads to a lot of things exploding, which is always good.
And he is the ONLY villain to make it out of this game alive.
So Sora fights Axel and wins. Axel throws Sora some more World Cards and pimps away.
Sora's go through the Levels from the first game, and you get background on the villains of this game.
Armani Grim Reaper takes off his hood and we get HIS name.
NAME YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT NEED TO REMEMBER:
Marluxia
I cannot describe how non threatening this guy is, and how stupid his powerset is.
His weapon is a big red Scythe. Okay, pretty cool. His super power?
With every swing of his scythe, roses grow.
That.... That is the single.... GIRLIEST thing I can think of!
It's not like menacing overtaking thorns. No, no, no. It's pretty flowers. That is the most useless powerset next to Aquaman in the Super Friends!
It doesn't help that he has pink hair and looks like Cyndi Lauper.
You know what? that's his name now. I don't respect him enough to use his real one.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Cyndi Lauper
We get background on Cyndi's henchmen, as well.
NAME YOU CAN REMEMBER IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT:
Larxene
She uses daggers. She wields electricity. She's a complete bitch. She isn't even going to last ten more paragraphs. Moving on.
It turns out that they are working for a mysterious Organization XIII, and, no, I'm not giving you a definition yet because you will have no idea what I'm talking about until the next game.
Cyndi is NOT the leader of this Organization. He's not even on the chain of command. He WANTS to be. The reason he's brought Sora here is to kill him, take the Keyblade, and seize control of the Organization.
So, let me get this straight. The villain for the first game was a Heartless who had complete control over all the forces of Darkness. He ended Worlds with a THOUGHT. His primary superpower was crushing blackness. His primary weapon was a demon he threw at people.....
And in THIS game we get a punk ass errand boy who fights with roses and isn't even in charge of this operation, let alone the Organization he WORKS for, rebelling against a group of villains we haven't MET yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm invested.
Meanwhile, Sora is losing his memories of his first adventure. Donald points out that, even though they have lost a LOT of memories, they haven't forgotten each other yet. Goofy reasons that it's because they're friends, their Hearts are connected, and NOTHING can break that bond.
Keep this in mind, I'm going to bitch about it later.
Sora fights and kills Larxene (five paragraphs, sorry to those of you who bet the over), and Cyndi shows up to give Sora some more World Cards.
He also has someone by his side.
RIKU!!!! (DAH DAH DUUUUUUUUUUUNH)
It's not really f$&king Riku, okay? It's a Heartless that was given Riku's memories. It's a non twist. Moving on.
Cyndi Lauper finally explains how he's doing all this. He's using the powers of a witch girl the Organization has been keeping prisoner.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Naminé
I STILL have no idea what her deal is. I've replayed this game over TEN times and I still have no idea what she is, or where she came from.
She's not a heartless, but she is DEFINITELY not human. Something about her being a construct made from Sora's memories of Kairi, or something?
Whatever, under threat of death, she is erasing Sora's memories one by one
Including his memories of Kairi. Using the good luck charm Kairi gave him in the first game, Naminé has replaced Kairi in Sora's Heart and memories.
F$&K. YOU. GAME.
So wait. Sora remembers the duck and the dog he met not SIX MONTHS AGO because his Heart is "tied" to them..... but a random knickknack can make him forget the girl he's been in love with since he was FIVE?!
Okay, two things I need to get out of the way before I have my little aneurysm:
1) Yes. I know the significance of the charm. It is a symbol of the unspoken oath between Sora and Kairi, the promise that Sora will come back from the journey alive.
Since it acts as a Keychain, and turns the Keyblade into a form called "Oathkeeper" this is fairly obvious.
2) Yes. I know that Sora, Donald, and Goofy are supposed to have gotten incredibly close in the time they spent together.
That out of the way, THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Oh yeah, we're passed fucking bleeps at this point. I have never been more pissed off at a video game than I am right now.
You mean to tell me that the only thing "tying" Sora's heart to Kairi's was an oath that was made ten years after they met?
You're saying that a deathless love, a love that managed to transform Sora back into a human when he was turned into a Heartless, a love that pushed Sora to ponce around the ENTIRE MULTIVERSE LOOKING FOR KAIRI, can be completely rewritten because of a magic charm bracelet?!?!
GO. FUCK. YOUR. SELVES.
This is where the game moved from simply boring, incompetent and lame, and straight on into insulting.
Good God, let's get this over with.
A senior in the Organization (the one who created the Riku Replica) stops by to inspect Cyndi's work at Castle Oblivion.
NAME YOU NEED TO-OH FUCK THIS:
Vexen
Vexen fights with a Shield, has ice powers, has a voice like Yoko Ono in a meat grinder, is a mad scientist, and is going to die faster than Larxene did.
Vexen swiftly joins Cyndi's rebellion. Then even MORE swiftly, starts plotting to take OVER the rebellion.
In one of TWO levels that aren't retreads of the first game, Sora gains a new World Card for a place called Twilight Town.
This place is made out of memories that "Belong" to Sora, even though Sora himself has never been there. (I'll get to it next time.)
Vexen shows up and fights Sora, gets his ass handed to him.
Vexen tries to run away but is killed by Axel.
Axel tells Sora how to get through to the Riku Replica. He also says that it would save him a lot of time if Sora could kill Cyndi Lauper for him.
You see, Axel is a double agent working for Organization XIII's higher ups. They caught on to Cyndi's planned coup d'état because APPARENTLY Cyndi is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the nads.
Sora talks the Riku Replica into killing itself (thank you for that plot cul de sac, game), and goes up to fight Cyndi Lauper and rescue Kai- I mean Naminé.
Two boring as hell boss fights later, we get to the ending cinematic.
Naminé explains everything that happened and that she intends to put it right. Since she's spent the majority of the game fucking around in Sora's brain, she's going to need time to find the pieces and put them back together.
She's starting with Kairi.
There are, however, two catches:
1) He's going to be in a sort of stasis for a year while she's working.
2) Sora will forget everything that happened here, and about her.
Sora doesn't immediately jump at the chance to forget this game ever happened, like I would, and instead writes himself a note. It consists of two words:
"Thank Naminé"
Yes. Thank you! Thank you for doing nothing but cleaning up the mess that YOU made! Thank you for being a spineless wimp who does things that she KNOWS are wrong because she thinks that she might get hurt! Thank you for being a massive yawning plot chasm that could not be explained with the combined powers of Sigmund Freud and Albert Einstein! Thank you so FUCKING much!
Crap. I'm only two thirds of the way done.
Okay. So Riku (the real Riku) wakes up in Castle Oblivion's basement.
Yes. There are TWO PLOT CAMPAIGNS in this game. You unlock Riku's after you beat Sora's.
Thankfully Riku's is FAR less stupid and much MUCH shorter.
Mickey apparently warped Riku out of the realm of Darkness after the end of the last game, but then lost track of him. He was sucked in to the castle by an unknown force.
Mickey is able to astrally project himself to Riku. So they keep in contact throughout his campaign.
Riku runs into what he thinks is Ansem, but is actually Christopher Lee in a mummy mask.
NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
DiZ
Not getting into HIS full deal until the next post.
I'm not kidding ether, this guy is voiced by Saruman.
Anyway, DiZ points out to Riku that Darkness doesn't HAVE to be used for evil, and that using the Darkness AGAINST evil could be his greatest strength.
Mickey says that it's a bad idea, considering what happened last time.
Riku says he'll think about it and moves down the castle's basement floors. Along the way he offs TWO MORE Organization XIII members.
AT THIS POINT I AM GIVING YOU THE NAMES OF ORGANIZATION MEMBERS SO YOU CAN NUMBER THE DEAD:
Lexeus
Zexion
When he gets to the bottom floor he tells DiZ that whatever choice he makes, he needs to at least CONTROL the Darkness within himself.
DiZ conjures up a Manifestation of the darkness within him (Ansem) you have your final boss fight and you pack this shit in.
So yeah, in conclusion, fuck this game.
The Riku plotline is semi-bearable but everything else in this game is a COMPLETE mess. The gameplay is boring. The villain is non-threatening. The levels are 99 cent retreads of the first game. And the plot is as tangled and impenetrable as a granite octopus.
I was CONVINCED this was the end of the series as far as I was concerned.
I was CONVINCED that they couldn't make it back from this deficit.
I was very, VERY wrong.
Join me next time for the CONCLUSION of the Kingdom Hearts Retrospective.
The true motives of Organization XIII.
The true origins of Ansem, Seeker of Darkness.
A new threat, even more dangerous than the Heartless.
And my favorite video game of all time.
NEXT TIME ON THE KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: KINGDOM HEARTS 2
*Squee* Until next time!
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