THE QUEST FOR A JRPG! PART 2!!!
In my search for a turn based game I turned to Sonic the Hedgehog!
.....
My this barrel has a lovely bottom!
I don't understand this one at ALL. I mean at ALL. Sonic is a game series based ENTIRELY on speed. So why in the name of our lord Jesus make a turn based RPG!!
Oh but it gets better. This was a partner production between Sega, and BioWare of all people. I'm not going to say I HATE BioWare, but I certainly LIKE them a lot less because of certain Mass Effect 3 endings that came in three fabulous fruit flavors.
So I am already filled with fear on the logo screen, but I pressed on, thinking hey Sonic is Sega's MASCOT for God sake. They wouldn't put him in anything that was absolute irredeemable crap!
Then I realized that that is ALL that has been happening since 2006.
And then I began to weep.
But still I started a new game and wiped the tears off my 3DS. It starts with a comic book esque cutscene. Sonic flies and fights Dr. Eggman on a big spaceship. Our pointy blue friend is defeated and crashes down to the Green Hill Zone.
This is where the farce masquerading as gameplay begins. First of all it is controlled entirely with the touch screen. It is my personal belief that any designer who makes that decision should have their hands cut off and replaced with styluses.
Also Sonic is not alone in this romp! Oh no, ALL of Sega's technicolor woodland creatures appear in this game! So unfortunately they TALK to each other!
So you have to control the conversations! Why? Because BioWare can't help themselves! Decide! Decide even though you don't give two craps about being said! We wrote a script for this bullshit! Decisions! Whoopee!!!
Oh GOD, the dialogue is INSUFFERABLY boring. You don't care. You don't care about what the hell Sonic and Amy want with the Chaos Doodad, or why they want to keep it away from the Brotherhood of Who Gives A Rat's Ass. However you can't skip it! If you do you run the risk of pissing the little bastards off. If you do they may keep items from you! Game over! Way to go asshole!
So after that fiery pain in the ass I managed to get to combat. After some GOD DAMN TUTORIALS.
Ok. That isn't quite fair. Unlike last post's pixelated hellish nightmare, Heroes of Mana these tutorials actually TELL you things! Mostly because the combat system is so unnecessarily complicated it would flummox Rubik! Still! Useful information! At least they think I'm more intelligent than to drool on my 3DS!
The combat is UNGODLY, but at least it's turn based! There's the normal point at enemy, press attack, hurt enemy business, but doing that won't get you very far. Instead you must make heavy use of "Special Moves." You know, special! Like Andy! The one who wears the helmet!
These damn things require touch screen actions. Actions that are harder to decipher than an Ambien dream. Curve up the stylus while tapping and keeping it on the touch screen! Banana monkey fish shoes! Kafloobity boingo!
So I got tired and pressed the Flee button. And.....
And everything just got WAY to intense.
This is how this is supposed to work. In a JRPG there is supposed to be a button, ON THE CONSOLE, that you hold down to bail from a fight. This game..… What in hell I'm I looking at?
It's a mini game. You have this little meter on the side. Your party is running away. Obstacles are flying at them. Jump over them with the timing of CHRIST and you escape.
Important notice: THE REASON THAT WE ARE RUNNING AWAY IS BECAUSE WE ARE TOO TIRED TO KEEP PLAYING. ADDING A MINIGAME TO STOP PLAYING IS JUST IRRITATING AND UNNECESSARY.
Don't waste the money. Don't waste the time. Don't give Sega more money for Sonic the Hedgehog titles until they stop sucking.
Next time, I try a turn based from someone who HASN'T released a bad game in my memory. It'll be the first time I tangle with the mustachioed bastard....
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