Kingdom Hearts 365/2 Days

As we desperate lonely virgin fanboys of this series wait the brain-crushingly long and irritating time for the third main installment we must instead endure the never-ending tide of midquels and spinoffs that OVERTAKE video game shelves.

I think all of us have battered women syndrome when it comes to this series. I know it's been upwards of five years since two, but three is coming! He said so! I know he beats me in the face with mediocre in-betweeners! But it's coming! And then he and I can go and start our new life in Kansas in a little house with our dog and four kids.......

Kingdom hearts, for those unaware is a JRPG crossover between Final Fantasy and Disney and I will give you a moment to push your brain back into your ear. Yes it's an odd concept to be sure but it's worked for a good nine years. Mostly by placating to a very strange fan base.

The story follows (normally) Sora. A young boy who knows that in the great tradition of anime heroes must wear more zippers than there exist in the world. The Island of Sickening Wholesomeness where he lives is swallowed by black shadowy death, along with his best friend and the girl he's crushing on.

He is then given a magic sword shaped like a key, and joins with Donald Duck and Goofy to save the multiverse from darkness!

.........

If that last line didn't split your mind in twain I can't help you.

Yeah. This review I'm going to skip the story aspect and focus on game play. This one's both a midquel AND a spinoff so it would require a lover approximately the length of the divine comedy.

Combat's pretty straight forward. Traditional Kingdom hearts hacky-slashy button mashy heartless deathy fun. The difficulty curve however was designed by someone who couldn't get off the difficulty trampoline.

One mission can get you so angry that you wake up in Tijuana three days later in nothing but purple boxers learning in horror about the wake of destruction you have left in your path while the next you can 100% while DEAD.

Then there is of course there are the "panels". You see in anything other than a main series title, the creators of KH have a terrible phobia of games without needless busy work.

We can't make items and magic selectable from a MENU! That will tell the Bee People to steal my children! We have to make it so that the player has to have put in more hours on tetris than there were in 1992 to understand the inventory!

All being said I wouldn't waste the money on it at this point, just wait for the new one coming this December. Where I'm sure we equip weapons by answering the riddle of the SPHINX.