Kid Icarus: Uprising

I think it's time nintendo got a new hero. The mainstream nintendo title factory just makes more of the big five nowadays. Zelda, Mario, Star Fox, Donkey Kong, Metroid. Over and over, and two of those titled have kissed a Succubus who drains the GOOD out of game series until only lame remains (I. E. Star Fox: Command, and Metroid Other M)

But two years ago one of the factory workers took a break near a dumpster for a smoke, and IN the dumpster he found a hideous 8 bit nightmare called Kid Icarus. In a process similar to Reaper Indoctrination he became convinced that the horrible gelatinous tentacle thing deserved a sequel.

And apparently I'VE been spending too much time near Object Rho because I think the sequel is quite good.

Now before we go on let me say that any one who claims that the original Kid Icarus was GOOD is going to hell for lying. It was awful. It is the only game I have ever seen that routinely FORGETS ABOUT PREVIOUSLY EXISTING FLOOR.

Taking a lesson from this Uprising has little to no platforming. Instead there are two sections to each level. Air battle, a rail shooter-esque experience. And land battle, which takes the form of a third person shooter.

The premise is good too. You are Pit. An angel in service of Palutena, goddess of light. You are sent to investigate when Medusa, queen of the underworld and the villain from the 1987 game, is inexplicably resurrected from the square beating you gave her last time. I'll get to the rest when I get to the negatives. I would strap in..

Controls are solid, if a bit odd. You move with the circle pad, (have I also mentioned that the sky is blue? Or that Newt Gingrich is old?) you aim with the touch screen, and in a stroke of unironic GENIUS, fire with the left shoulder button. I love this. It means I can switch targets without being murdered.

The characters are VERY funny. I like how Pit is the only nintendo all-star who is (let's be fair) a galloping idiot. Palutena is lovably insane, and never takes anything to seriously. None of the characters do. It's all so delightfully meta, it distracts from the game's major flaw.

The flaw being that the games plot goes paintchip banana sandwich by chapter eleven

Lets take this step by step shall we? (spoilers):

Chapters 1-8: Medusa is back. Pit goes to take out her commanders and get the right gear to fight her.

Okay pretty straight forward....

Chapter 9: Face off with Medusa. During the bout, she says she doesn't KNOW what brought her back. At the END of the battle, the ACTUAL main villain reveals himself. Hades, god of evil.

Ooh. Plot twist! Fun!

Chapter 10: Hades says that he is after the wish seed. It doesn't grant wishes, but humans THINK it does, and with it's disappearance will cause war, which is good for Underworld business.

Clever! INGENIUS!

Chapter 11: Upset by war, Mother Nature takes out a city with a giant nuclear mango.

INSPIRE-- Wait, What?

Chapters 12-15: Take out Mother Nature's generals, and exploding mango tree.

O... Kaaaaay.

Chapter 16: All factions must put aside there differences and temporarily unite against aliens from outer space.

..............

Chapters 17-20: Defeat the aliens.

And then? Go on. Get weirder.

Chapter 21: Pit awakens from a three year coma with his soul in a ring. He puts his soul into a little girl, a dog, and Hugh Jackman. He also discovers Palutena has been brainwashed by a death dragonfly.

THERE WE GO!!

Chapters 22-23: Save Palutena.

Naturally.

Chapters 24-25: Defeat Hades....

THE PLOT! How we have missed you!

Chapter 26: With your giant robot.

OF COURSE!!

It's very obvious that the creator had SEVERAL ideas for sequels and he attempted to pile them ALL into this one game.

Despite all of that. It is WELL worth purchase price. It's probably one of the best games this year. If you like being INCREDIBLY confused..... What is wrong with you?