Kirby: Mass Attack

Nintendo Month! Part 1 of 4!

Hello dear blogosphere and welcome to NINTENDO MONTH! Yes from now until mid June, I will be reviewing the best, and indeed the very WORST of what my favorite gaming company has to offer.

At least that's what I THOUGHT. Until someone pointed out that this is a GAME review blog. So I didn't actually have to watch Captain N: The Game Master or The Legend of Zelda cartoon.

After untying the hostages and removing the barrel of the gun from my temple, I looked at what I had cued up for the month. I found at the top of the pile Kirby: Mass Attack!

Kirby! Nintendo's Pink Powerhouse! I play a LOT of his games! I've loved all the ones I've played! He's even my primary character in Super Smash Bros. Melee! How can this possibly disappoint me!!!

The game is controlled mostly via touchscreen.

WELL THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG!!!

You realize the system has BUTTONS right, Edward StylusHands? You use the touchscreen to do EXTRA stuff! It's not a goddamn IPhone!

From this and my Sonic Chronicles review you have probably guessed I am not a HUGE fan of touchscreen based control. It never works ever, at least for me. It also pisses me off that it's putting hard working A-buttons out of work!

The premise of this game is that Kirby (walking pink marshmallow and defender of DreamLand) is attacked by a big black cloud of evil that breaks his power into ten bodies and gets rid of nine. The only way you can regain the bodies is by.... Eating.......fruit.

If you are playing a Kirby game for gripping story you need to check yourself into some kind of institution.

Yes you can control up to TEN Kirbys in this game. You lead them around with the touchscreen like dogs on a leash.

THIS IS NOT IMMERSION. Immersion is when you are playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and you actually scream "DIE DIE DIE!" at the screen and then you look out the window and you realize it's four days later.

I'm not controlling Kirby! I'm controlling his little guide that tells him where to go! The intro even SAYS that!

Wouldn't it be awesome if in Ocarina of Time, instead of controlling Link, you were controlling the little insufferable FAIRY the whole time?!? Wouldn't that be the best game since Heroes of Mana?!?!

Then there is the combat......

OH GOD, THE COMBAT.

The combat consists of you frantically tapping on an enemy and then all ten Kirbys pile on and pummel it to death. As funny as that SOUNDS (and it sounds really, REALLY funny) it never frigging WORKS.

You end up with two Kirbys pummeling the enemy, three trying to phase through a wall, one staring off into space trying to remember where he lives, and four DEAD because another enemy has snuck up and EATEN THEM ALL.

The combat is atrocious, the music is irritating, and there are plenty of other Kirby titles that use BUTTONS, JUST AS GOD INTENDED YOU MOUTHBREATHING HEATHENS! BURN, BURN FOR YOUR SINS AG---

Happy place....... Happy place.....

Well Nintendo Month is off to a flying start! You know what, I'm being pessimistic. I'm sure it can only get better from here!

NEXT ON THE GAME GRID'S NINTENDO MONTH: ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD.

All right lady sit your ass back down! Where the hell did I put the gun?!?