Final Fantasy IV

THE QUEST FOR A JRPG COMPLETE !!!

Yes it's finally time! Time for me to take on Square Enix's ongoing Final Fantasy series! I have been a huge fan of this series since 2003! I was twelve and my mom decided to purchase a shiny new PlayStation 2 and three games. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Final Fantasy VII, and Final Fantasy X.

Two of those games were fun and filled with a decent story.

The other was Final Fantasy X.

After THOSE painful memories reentered my brain and I went on my twelve hour killing spree, I calmed myself with thoughts of VII and IX and put the card in the slot.

The main character's name is Cecil. As I watched the opening cinematic I wonder which school of Final Fantasy Hero he had graduated from.

The Squall Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but getting better later in the game?

The Cloud Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle but making up for it by being an unlicensed badass? (In my opinion, anyway. :P)

The Tidus Academy? Being a whiny emo douchenozzle and just generally sucking?

I was hoping for a very rare ZIDANE Academy Alumnus. Not being a whiny emo douchenozzle AT ALL.

What I GOT was the next best thing.

The Cecil Academy. Being a whiny emo douchenozzle for reasons I can't actually argue with.

The first MINUTE of the game has him walking into a kingdom. Slaughtering all the guards and civilians, and taking their magical thingy. Then leaving.

It becomes clear that he is "only following orders," but he knows thats no excuse.

He is then sent on yet another mission from his king. Take this ring to the village up north. No harm right?

On the way they run into, and kill, a dragon.

When they GET to the village the ring begins to glow, and then release monsters that burn the village to the ground.

Cecil also realizes that by killing the dragon, he has also killed a nine year old's mother.

Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!

What you end up getting is a character who feels LEGITIMATELY tortured. He goes on a very believable, very compelling tale of redemption.

This is obviously what was SUPPOSED to happen with Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII, but she was to busy flashing her 2010 Tidus Academy class ring for that to work.

Then of course there is Golbez, the games villain. Only three methods for Final Fantasy villains.

Sephiroph Academy: I have white hair and a sunken expression. I am probably a clone and am slowly dying.

Seymour Academy: My brand of evil is simply FABULOUUUUS!!!

Chaos Academy: ME BIG SCARY DEMON!!! BLARG BLARG BLARG!!!!

Golbez comes in nearer to the last category than anything else. He's seven feet tall. Covered in giant imposing spiked black armor. He can't have five SECONDS on screen without twisting his curly mustache. He is that kind of threatening that almost makes you giggle.

The gameplay is turn based fun. Ive gone into this in the last three reviews. No need to do so again.

Make no mistake this game DOES have its flaws. Mostly the standard stuff from Square Enix.

You've got the dialogue! Written by monkeys who were given a dictionary and seven bottles of Bacardi 151! ("You spoony bard!")

Of course, you can't have a square game without your "What the living hell is going on," moments.

You've got your voyage to space, your traveling pompom bear rabbit, your riding chickens, but those are all par for the course.

No, what sets this game apart in terms of mindf$@ks are the DANCERS.

In almost every town you enter you will see a woman with pink hair and a modest red dress. Talk to her and she will ask if you want to watch her "practice."

Accept and she will immediately strip down to her undergarments and dance on the nearest table or in the nearest body of water.

Rated E-10! For ages 10 and up!

You can hire a lap dance! I was going to do a spit take, but I was holding my $169.99 Black Friday Special Nintendo 3DS, so I just dribbled Sprite out of my nose!

Overall though a definite recommend. The characters are likable. The gameplay is fun. And the story is pretty gripping. Get your hands on it if you can.

I also recommend brutally killing anyone in a Tidus cosplay. Now if you will excuse me, thinking about FFX has brought back the VOICES!!!