XCOM: Enemy Unknown

Uuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh..........

I have new sympathy for Ban Ki-moon.

I now understand what it is to handle the affairs of several nations at once.

Do you know what it is?

RAISING INFANT SEPTUPLETS.

Whenever you calm down one, three more get all fussy and start whining. By the end of the day you are so tired you're ready to topple onto your huge holographic globe projector.

Okay, I should take some aspirin and try to explain the history of these games, and this title in particular.

XCOM was one of the first tactics games ever created. It was also one of the most complicated, due to the fact that you had to manage the economic, bureaucratic and political aspects of war as well as your troops on the battlefield.

The premise was pretty simple. Aliens invade and start abducting people, lending credence to harmful stereotypes. A coalition of countries decides to put a bunch of money into a big hole and burn it by barely funding the XCOM project, a contingency plan in case of alien invasion. They put you in charge of this project because of your extensive command experience.

For me that means yelling at my cats during an episode of Colombo whilst eating Cheetos.

By the way, when I say you, I mean YOU. The characters talk directly to the fourth wall and refer to it as "Commander."

I would tell you about what's different about this title, but the answer would be the graphics and the upgrade system. That's it. It's essentially the same game, which is one of the most surprising things about it.

When this game was first announced, 2K studios made it seem like a first person shooter, removing the strategy element entirely. This caused MAJOR public outcry (including one VERY famous example ((YouTube: Spoony, Betrayal))) which caused them to release this game INSTEAD of the planned FPS. This title was immensely popular. So popular, in fact, a sequel is already in the works.

And I don't like it very much.

It's not that it's a bad game. Far from it. It actually has great 80's Sci-Fi movie feel to it. The character customization on the troops is damn near insane. The side characters are fun, and it all has this wonderful layer of CHEESE. The enemies all have name's like "Sectoid" and "Muton" and look like something out of an old UFO movie. The story doesn't hold up in the most wonderful way, and it was written by people like me who spend WAY too much time watching old Sci-Fi movies.

The combat is also really cool. You spend most of your time putting your troops in cover trying to keep them alive. It's very tense in a good way. Sometimes your units will panic and leap out of cover in blind fear. It's good at keeping you at the edge of your seat.

Now if I could ever edge BACK.

I come from a high strung family. We have a tendency to freak out at the little things. We all have ways of calming ourselves. My mom reads, my brother writes, I play video games.

This game..... does not calm me down. At all. It's one of those things that just pushes me to hyperventilation. This game is unadulterated PANIC.

"Panic" is in fact the operative word here. There are eight countries who fund XCOM, all of which have a "Panic Level" which indicates how close a country is to mass rioting. If it gets too high the government dissolves and the funding is lost. If six countries are overrun, it's GAME OVER. Adios. Goodbye.

There are ways to lower the panic of course. You can take missions in that country, fly a satellite over it, etc. The PROBLEM is that multiple countries will need your help equally as much at the same time. So you always have to pick and choose.

Whenever you lose a country's funding, this bald douchebag consumed in shadows calls you up and yells at you. At the end of each month he gives you a report card on how the project has been going.

I. HATE. GAMES. THAT. GRADE. YOU.

I hate them. Every time. Who the hell are you to judge me, asshat? I don't have to IMPRESS you! You're here to impress me. And... you have, for a lot of it. BUT NOT ENOUGH.

Another problem is that XCOM is a REACTIVE agency. So 60% of the game is spent waiting for the next disaster. And it's waiting in the worst possible way. It's like waiting for the clown you know is coming, but didn't want at your birthday party.

It's all just constant STRESS. This game is pure stress. I can't take too much of this game in one sitting, even watching someone else play it. My recommendation... carries no weight.

Like I said, I'm a high strung guy. A lot of people really like this game, and it IS very well made. This is a prime example of "not my cup of tea." If XCOM sounds interesting to you, give it a whirl.

As for me, I need a rest from games for a couple days. I think....

I think I'm going to watch some tv.

NEXT TIME: THE MCC'S TOP TEN FAVORITE TV SHOWS.

Fire Emblem: Awakening

Let's get something out of the way before we start. Namely, a problem in the tone of the last review.

I have a friend who reads these reviews. He helps me with the quality of my writing, the lack of quality in my grammar, the fact that I spell words like a dyslexic orangutan, etcetera. He has been a massive help and I appreciate the help and feedback more than I can possibly say.

However he said something in our last discussion that concerned me. Namely that I was serving two masters, accuracy and comedy. I'm trying to be funny, which often means I highlight the negative aspects of the game more than the positive. Hence good games, like Castlevania, are cast in a negative light. Which is not my intention at all.

Castlevania is a good game. I was, and still am, having a lot of fun with it. I certainly didn't MAKE UP the negative qualities I highlighted in my review (God HELP me the QTEs), but it WAS a recommendation especially at the reduced price it's at now.

So let me make sure I am crystal clear on this.

Fire Emblem: Awakening is spectacular. Truly amazing. This is a very high recommendation. I'll explain why in a moment, but right off the bat BUY THIS GAME. Right now it is $40 and a Nintendo 3ds system is about $120, I think. Honestly I would gladly pay twice that for the pleasure of playing this game. I'm not joking. It's a little too early to tell, but this may end up being one of my favorite games of all time.

Right! Now that the salivating is out of the way, let's make with the funny!

............

It's kind of hard to portray Yankety Sax in text so if you would all play it at home I would appreciate it.

Fire Emblem is a series of tactics games that began in 1990. For those of you who don't know what a tactics game is, allow me to explain. Imagine a tabletop war-game, except you only have 6-14 soldiers and you decide what each of them is doing in the battle. Each of these soldiers have their own special set of skills, strengths and weaknesses, etc. and it's up to YOU to place them where they need to be.

On a scale of 1-10 of games I'm good at, these rate.... 5?.... Maybe a 6? I'm not the strategic type. I'm better at checkers than I am at chess. So my skill at these games is proportionate to my investment in the setting and story. This game may have pushed me to a seven.

The setting and story are really good, if they follow the formula a tad. In all Fire Emblem games, you play as an amnesiac tactician who is found in a field by a good-natured blue haired person who either doesn't know, or doesn't TELL you that they're royalty. You end up getting involved in court intrigues and international politics which distract from the ACTUAL threat (usually an omnipresent demon thinger) that you deal with in the last third of the game.

For those of you about to accuse these games of ripping off Game of Thrones, two things.

1) Fire Emblem 1 came out in Japan SIX YEARS before the first book of the Song of Ice and Fire series hit bookshelves.

2) Fire Emblem gets to the screwing POINT. I'm sorry. What are we, FIVE books in and STILL no attack by the Others? I mean the civil war crap is very interesting and you've made some REALLY deep characters, but I know for a fact that 60% of them are going to die when ice demons sweep down from the north and render all the politics moot. Seriously George, HOW are you keeping me invested again?!

As I was saying, this game sticks to formula... mostly. The tactician normally barely has any impact on the story and only exists as a confidante to the main character. In fact, going by the rules of storytelling, it's questionable whether or not the tactician EXISTS. Only the hero of any given title talks to him, and he only talks to the hero. It could easily be that hero's delusion or an embodiment of his or her own tactical skill. The tactician never says a word. You're supposed to fill in the dialogue for him.

In this game the tactician has a character, a voice, even a canon name: Robin, purposefully androgynous due to the fact you can play as a male or female character. The tactician is fully customizable (it is FRIGHTENING how much my tactician looks like me), and even useable in combat! Even USEFUL in combat!

Robin wakes up in a field and is found by Chrom. That is, PRINCE Chrom, blue of hair, mild of demeanor. Chrom spends his evenings killing monsters with a massive Falchion and he invites you to join the fun. Traveling with him you find out all about his nation's skirmishes with the kingdom to the north, how they BOTH are being manipulated by a kingdom to the west, and the internal relationships of the members of the adventuring party.

..... Oh, and there's a magic shield that's being hunted by a giant black fire breathing snake from beyond the curve of space and within the angles that lie beyond. He wants to use it to bring about a zombie apocalypse, but we'll deal with that later.

I make fun, but it's actually very well handled. The dragon is built up over time and the heroes have regular encounters with its forces. The fact that it's intelligent makes it more of a malevolence in the story. In fact *spoiler warning* it's been manipulating the minds of a lot of the nobility to throw the world into chaos, so the civil war is actually RELEVANT to the ending.

Have I made it clear how freaking sick I am of Game of Thrones' faffing about yet?!?

I also like these characters much better, most of THESE characters aren't assholes and those that ARE have other character traits. (Seriously, WHAT is the appeal of that series?!) In fact the characters are all very likable and well rounded. Which is very impressive considering there are 40 of them, and all of them can hook up with each other.

I'm serious. Every character can have a romance with characters of the opposite gender. Your tactician can fall in love with ANY OF THEM.

Here's a challenge for you. Create twenty different, interesting, well developed characters. Now create one character that's also very likable in his or her own right. Now create romances that make sense between all of them.

Tough right? Nigh impossible? God help me if they didn't manage it. They're ADORABLE. I don't care how girly I sound, these scenes are just so damn CUTE. I'll admit right now, I'm a sucker for a well done romance subplot and this game manages HUNDREDS OF THEM. It's really remarkable.

And best of all, it matters to gameplay. See, relationships only grow when you put people in battle next to each other. When that happens when they are near the other person their stats go up. When someone is with his or her spouse he or she is practically invincible. So I basically spend the first half of the game playing matchmaker and the other half undamaged.

Also, the tactician and each female character have children that show up to aid you in the game (time travel, it's complicated), and the child will have traits of the father, both physical and stat wise.

I'm sorry I'm gushing, but I only see three flaws with this game and they're so minor I feel petty mentioning them!

1) I'm not living up to the game's expectations.

Robin is supposed to be unto a GOD of tactics. You are Hannibal Smith in a wizard robe. You're supposed to be coming up with these INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED TACTICS in every battle.

You know what my one and only tactic is? Rush forward, hack with weapon. Preferably next to someone I'm boning.

2) The weapon triangle.

Fire Emblem became known for its unique weapon system. Characters with swords worked better against characters with axes, axes beat spears, spears beat swords.

In this title it's COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. You get maybe a one point negative for making the wrong match up, but that NEVER MATTERS. It's like pot laws in Los Angeles!

"You shouldn't do that! *wink*"

3. Emmeryn's Revival

Halfway through the game there is the most moving death scene I have ever seen in a work of fiction.

No joke. It is beautiful. A truly stunning look at self sacrifice for the greater good. A woman throws herself off a mountain to keep her country together. It's played just as seriously as it needs to be. While it may be overwrought, I don't notice.

Because this is the only time so far that a work of fiction has made me tear up.

BUT THEN!

After the game's plot skips two years, we get a side mission wherein she actually fell through a time warp and landed in the near future with no memory of who she is or how she got there. She's being attacked by brigands and at this point she can barely speak.

............

What.... the f$&k?

Why?! Why did you DO this?! Why is this here?! What the hell HAPPENED?! The time warp? Never explained. The memory loss? Never explained. The fact that she was the ruler of a nation but her brother took over after she died and now the throne should go back to her? Never addressed.

It is so POINTLESS. So out of place. It doesn't belong.

However, it's a side mission. A DLC side mission at that. I can choose not to play it and I ALWAYS do. What would have been a huge negative mark on the game is now only minor because I can skip it.

This game is a must buy. Absolutely essential for any 3DS library. This is probably one of the best, if not THE best original game for the system yet. It's got likable characters, awesome gameplay, an incredible story, and probably the smoothest graphics I've ever seen in a tactics game.

Well, that felt good! I'm in the mood for some more strategy, though.... Maybe strategy while also pleasing the most needy government in gaming, all of it mixed with constant hair-graying stress....

NEXT TIME: XCOM: ENEMY UNKNOWN

Oh God.... Until next time.

Castlevania, Lords of Shadow: Mirror of Fate

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Well, last year I had no cable, barely any Internet, and little to review.

This year I've seemed to fix all of those problems AND I am determined never to listen to Counting Crows again! Things are looking up!

Speaking of stuff to review, I received three games to review this Christmas! One of which I play as a angry Franco-Scots barbarian killing vampires with a spiky chain!

Because isn't that what Christmas is all about?

As silly as it sounds Castlevania has had a long and proud history since the late 80's. Telling the story of whip wielding vampire hunter Simon Belmont, Simon is sent to slay Dracula whose castle always rises from the ground next to some innocent village. And Dracula, not having anything better to do, is terrorizing the populous.

It was a good series. The only problem was that continuity was kind of a mess. This IS Capcom, where a sensible storyline is what happens to the Ace Attorney series and even then only most of the time, but Castlevania wasn't even pretending to try. The fourth game was a remake of the first game. Dracula's son got thrown into the mix. The castle got sucked into OUR dimension, it was insane. A reboot was needed, BADLY.

We finally got one with Castlevania: Lords of Shadow for the XBox 360. This focused on Gabriel Belmont, Simon's grandfather, as he battled the titular Lords of Shadow. These are big scary demon things that require you to rip off the gameplay aspects of God of War and Shadow of the Colossus.

You'd think that one of the Lords of Shadow would be Dracula, but actually you've been PLAYING as him the whole time. Between games Gabriel's exposure to the Lords of Shadow causes him to fall to darkness and become a vampire, taking the name Dracula (for some reason). HOWEVER a year earlier he had a son, Trevor, who was taken from his mother and hidden because this order of knights saw the Dracula thing coming due to a mirror they had that tells the future (for some reason), HE had a son, Simon, found out about his father and went to kick his ass. Trevor got his ass killed and Dracula sent werewolves to eat Simon and his Mom. Simon escaped but his mother got eaten, so he was raised by these Druids who- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So much for straightening the story out. The whole thing stinks of Capcom "storytelling." You spend half the game playing as Simon, half the game playing as Dracula's son Alucard (it doesn't get any funnier the more you think about it). You, reader who knows nothing about the game, already know Alucard's identity (if you FOLLOWED any of that), but the game treats it like it's this HUGE reveal. A "You-never-saw-this-coming, it's-a-cookbook" reveal. THIS IS NOT A TWIST. Any one who can come within three digits of adding two and two can figure this out!

And the voice acting.....

MOTHER OF GOD, THE VOICE ACTING.

I've never paid $16 to listen to Scotsmen be bored before, but I hope to never do so again. I honestly believed that all three Belmonts were voiced by the same Schmuck, but no! The credits revealed an untalented Scottish schmuck CONVENTION. Where do they FIND all these bozos? Is there just a village out side of Edinburgh where no one gives a damn? Did they call mayor MacPhone-in and his two identical triplet brothers to give their most feeble performance possible? The dialogue doesn't help, it was written by chimps. Unimaginative chimps who delegated this crap.

The thing is as present as all of these flaws are they don't make the game BAD, they make it hilarious. You see the gameplay is VERY good and I have three basic rules about entertainment.

Music will ALWAYS be more important than lyrics.

Dramatic sense is ALWAYS more important than logical sense.

Gameplay will always, ALWAYS be more important than story.

Of course there are limits to all of those rules (ESPECIALLY the the second one), but luckily the game never crosses that line. Oh, it gets CLOSE, but just close enough that I'm laughing the whole time. The story being laughably bad actually goes in the plus column for this game. Capcom are MASTERS of good game, bad storytelling, so I can't say I wasn't enjoying myself the whole time.

Any game where I can murder vampires and werewolves with a spiky chain and pretend that they're Twilight fans is always good for the fun times. The boss fights are suitably f$&ked up for the horror theme. The enemy design is always fun. I also really like the fact that we've moved back to a 2D perspective like classic Castlevania games.

The gameplay would get a perfect score if it weren't for the hideously broken QTEs and pathetic final boss fight.

For those of you who don't know what a QTE is, good you're a lucky man so far. QTEs (or Quick Time Events) are when they show you a cutscene, then a button flashes on the screen. Pressing the button continues the cutscene.

Except, you know, when it doesn't.

I'm only a man, Castlevania! I'm beginning to believe that you don't want me to TAP through the Y button as much as you want me to Vibrate through it like I'm BARRY F$&KING ALLEN.

And other than the fact that the final chapter should have been the second chapter and someone stapled the script together wrong, the final boss fight goes through an annoy Greg checklist.

Easily stunlocks you by brushing past you lightly? Check!

Attacks that do too much damage? Check!

Too much health? Check!

Interrupted by Sweet-god-kill-me-now Quick Time Events? Check!

And finally...

Hideous exploit that means the fight is no longer difficult but is going to take the better part of your college years? Check and check!

I can't even be mad at THAT though because it's saved by pure Capcom comedy.

Actual quote from Dracula to his son after he has dropped his ass sixty stories and now has a spiky iron cross jutting out of his sternum: "LIVE!"

This game barely passes with a recommendation. It's got its problems to be sure, but you are definitely having fun the whole time, and really that's all that matters.

Not really much strategy to it though. I need something to exercise my inner general. Something to show I'm a true tactician.

NEXT POST: FIRE EMBLEM: AWAKENING

*chomps on cigar* I love it when a plan comes together.

I'm BaaaAAAAAAAaaaaack!

So the last three months have been a living nightmare!

First thing that happened was that my Blogger app exploded. This blog comes to you strictly from an old IPhone. My countdown post was destroyed. There's a little postponement on that.

Which is all fine! Because I had no reasonable means to get Internet anyway

Yeah, due to weird circumstances I only had dial up Internet at my place.

Yes I DO realize it's not 1997, asshats!

I was also broke and had no car so I had to hike my ass up to a public library a quarter mile away to get a decent enough connection to do my blog

After eight months of this I no longer had shoes as much as I had swiss cheese with ambitions.

That's all fixed, though. I'm hooked up with a sweet Wifi connection, new kicks, and a pile of new games to crack into! Should have a new post up by tomorrow!

May bad games beware! The MCC is back in business

James Pond CODENAME: Robocod

I.... I don't know.

I just don't know.

What the hell am I supposed to DO with this freaking thing?!?!

This game is almost BEYOND review. You've read the title! You've never heard of this game! You know it's going to suck!

So what the hell was my brother thinking when he looked at the box, walked to a GameStop cashier, laid $15.35 on the counter and said "I would like to buy this."

$15.35! Money that could've been spent on food for the needy! Or children's hospitals!

But that didn't happen. No, instead he spent it on James Pond CODENAME: Robocod. A game which, if this intro didn't make it clear, isn't very good.

THIS GAME. IS NOT. VERY. GOOD.

My brother tells me that this game is based on a series of typing tutors from the mid to late 90's. He ALSO said that it's unfair to look at this game without looking at those first.

............

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I shouldn't be looking at the latest installment in the... The EPIC James Pond saga, without seeing what came before.

In this game you play as James Pond, a secret agent cyborg fish.

Excuse me for a moment.

.............. Okay...........

He is sent on assignment to save Santa Claus......

Okay this is gonna take me a while, sorry guys.

From a mad scientist whose evil plan is to tie all the elves to dynamite. James must go through Santa's workshop and free the elves while battling the mad scientist's evil twisted wind up toys.

Again, maybe my brother is right. Maybe in the first typing tutor James was two days away from retirement when the Mad Doctor blew up his house, severely wounding him and killing is wife and children.

Maybe the agency found him and gave him cybernetic enhancements, and he vowed to seek revenge upon Dr. Killjoy. Maybe this is the thrilling climax to a whirlwind adventure of thrills, chills and suspenseful espionage tactics.

BUT....

WHY DO I BET NOT?!?!

Why do I bet that playing the typing tutors will do NOTHING to enhance my enjoyment of this game? Why do I believe that nothing can enhance my enjoyment of this particular title save the fiery hand of GOD?

However I have said before that story is not as important as gameplay. I've played games where you are an immigrant plumber in a land of mushrooms trying to save a princess from Gamera. I've played games where you have to beat shadow creatures to death with a giant key with aid from Donald Duck.

So stow the story for now, how is the game part of the game?

...........

I have never played a more broken, frenetic, ungodly mess of a game.

Let's start with the pathetic attempts at movement physics. James appears to have liberally coated himself in butter because any slight nudge of the controls in either direction will send him flying in one direction or the other. Also if James moves down a 1° incline he will slide down the incline at 300 miles per hour and slam into a wall.

This will happen to you exactly 5000 times after it stops being funny.

Aha! James' cybernetic enhancements have not gone to waste however! James can extend his midriff to infinite lengths and cling to ceilings! Unless a flying enemy is in your way (and there always, ALWAYS is) in which case James snaps back to his waist like a rubberband.

You don't take damage when this happens, so all it does is stop the game dead.

The enemies are everywhere and silly looking. The boss fights are pathetic. The music is abysmal. The story isn't funny and it doesn't even have the excuse of teaching me how to type.

My final recommendation? No. A massive no. A two metric ton granite no carved into Everest. A no burned into the surface of the moon.

This game was evil. It made me want to commit evil deeds. Next post I shall surrender to my darker side.

NEXT POST: THE TOP TEN VIDEO GAME VILLAINS

Mwa ha ha ha! MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!

Pokémon Retrospective Part 1: Game History

First let me say that I'm sorry for the long absence but that should be over as of now.

Secondly let me tell you that there will be two differences to this post. First of all I will not be looking at a specific game, I will instead be taking you through the history of my favorite game SERIES, Pokémon.

Second of all, SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY READING! Maybe two people! Squee!

I have also been told my grammar sucks but GOD help me I'm trying! I hope I done did my grammar good.

But enough of this gay banter, let's start with depression!

In October of 1996, my father passed away.

I wasn't even three yet and I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew only three things. My mother was sad, my brother was angry, and my father was gone.

But I remember when things started to get better to the DAY. December 22nd 1996.

My grandparents had come up from Florida for Christmas. My Papou (grandfather) took me and my brother to the mall in Waterbury. We saw a movie, I can't remember which one, then as an early Christmas present he bought my brother two game boy games.

They were Pokémon Red Version, and Pokémon Blue Version.

To this day I can go right now and put my hand on those two cartridges. I've never lost them, and by god I lose EVERYTHING.

I've also owned every main series title after that, both versions. Pokémon isn't just a series I think is good. Pokémon is the series I have put more hours into than any other video game. I would estimate I have spent THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS, 504 straight hours of my life playing the first games alone.

Look around my house and you will find Pokémon coloring books, temporary tattoos, office supplies, figurines, trading cards, and a Jigglypuff pillow (I'm taking it to college).

Let's move on from me, let's move on to what this game series is ABOUT.

Well, to start off. My name is DeAndrea, most people call me the Pokémon Professor.

This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokémon. Some people breed them for work or play. Others use them for fights.

As for Myself, I study Pokémon games because I don't have a job.

What are Pokémon? Pokémon are animals with special abilities. They come in 649 different species. Pardon me, AT LEAST 649 different species (Every few years they add more, so the "at least" is kind of important).

Pokémon grow by fighting each other. As a Pokémon trainer you are tasked with the goal of making YOUR Pokémon the strongest in the world. You prove this by battling other trainers Pokémon with your own.

There are 17 "types" of Pokémon. These basically dictate the sort of abilities the Pokémon can learn. Each with advantages and disadvantages over other types (example: Fire beats Grass, Grass beats Water, Water beats Fire)

You have two Main goals in any Pokémon game. One is to complete the Pokédex, a comprehensive encyclopedia of all the different kinds of Pokémon. You do this by catching them.

Granted, this was much easier back when there were only 150 of the suckers. You didn't have to go to any conventions. You didn't have to trade more than one or two between games. You didn't have to (this is true) play while DRIVING.

The second, and far easier, goal is to defeat the Pokémon Champion and the Elite Four.

The Elite Four are the biggest badasses on the planet, the Champion is King Badass of Awesome Mountain.

To earn the right even to TRY this you need to take the POKÉMON GYM CHALLENGE! Scattered around the country there are "Pokémon Gyms," places where Pokémon trainers gather to toughen up. Each gym has a "Leader." This leader is the strongest trainer in the Gym and usually focuses on one type of Pokémon. Defeat this leader and he will give you a special Badge as a mark of proof that you have beaten him. You need to collect eight of these badges to even be allowed to TRY against the Elite Four.

Yes this is a game where you do, in fact, need Stinking Badges (Rimshot).

The first games introduce the world to us. You play as Red, a fresh faced 10 year old from Pallet Town. The Pokédex is given to you by Professor Oak. The worst scientist of all time.

The old bastard sends two ten year old boys, one of them his GRANDSON, out into a world filled with dangerous animals to do his research for him. Some of them breathe FIRE for god's sake!

Well he does give you the choice of a flower, lizard, or small turtle to protect you.

........

A hearty "Up Yours" from all of the fans of this series Oak.

Along the way you collect badges, catch Pokémon, and toughen up. Your progress is Impeded by two main antagonists.

One of them is your boyhood rival, Blue. His kind of obnoxious, but basically a decent guy. He seems to always be one step ahead of you. He always earns the badges first, always has more Pokémon than you, and by the time you get there HE is the Pokémon Champion.

The other is the sinister Giovanni.

Giovanni is the head of a criminal organization known as Team Rocket. They only have one goal in mind, use Pokémon to gain profit by any means necessary. Giovanni is cold, calculating and cruel. He is known, in a KIDS game, mind you, to have killed several people and Pokémon in cold blood.

His actions came to their climax a year before the game begins. The creation of Pokémon #150, Mewtwo.

Mew was thought to be the Pokémon from which all other Pokémon developed. After finding a fossil of Mew, Giovanni decided to revive it (reviving ancient Pokémon from fossils is well established in-universe), but he decided to make a few.... creative adjustments.

Thus we saw the birth of Mewtwo, the worlds most powerful Pokémon. Mewtwo promptly escaped the lab, burning it down in the process, and hid in a cave. You can in fact enter said cave and capture him, a laurel that has eluded me to this day.

Giovanni is one of my favorite video game villains of all time, and Mewtwo is still my favorite Pokémon.

Giovanni was so CALM. So NONCHALANT about all the terrible things he did. He didn't dress up his actions with pointless rhetoric, he was straight up EVIL. He had no grand agenda. He was GREEDY, and DAMN he made it look good!

On the other hand, what's with Nintendo and the Italians? Between Giovanni and Mario, they seem to think that all Italian Americans are either delightful immigrant serviceman or horribly evil gangsters! As just an Italian American who's a snarky writer with only TANGENTIAL mob ties, I take offense to that!

Anyhow, at the end of the game Giovanni escapes into the night, disbanding Team Rocket in the process.

You beat the Elite Four, beat blue, congratulations stalwart hero of the land.

I'm going to skip over the Gold/Silver/Crystal generation for the time being. I'm going to be talking about them in more detail next post.

The Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald generations are my least favorite so far. Mostly it's business as usual. Collect badges, catch the now 386 different Pokémon, become the best like no one ever was, blady blady blah. Where it falls down is in the villain department.

Your Rival is now your Love interest. A new addition in the Gold/Silver generation had been the chance to play as a female protagonist, your rival took the opposite gender you picked. That's all fine and good, but the character is sort of flat. Blue had PERSONALITY, even if he was obnoxious.

But the Teams....

OH GOD, THE TEAMS.

Remember when I talked about Giovanni, and how it was cool that he didn't mask his evil with pointless rhetoric? Well in generation three that went RIGHT out the window, and instead we got Team Aqua, and Team Magma.

Okay, let's see if I can explain this. After Team Rocket got its ass kicked AGAIN at the end of Gold/Silver, two former members Maxie and Archie, went off and formed their own criminal organizations. Maxie was a fan of Fire type Pokémon so he set out to create more land so they could thrive. Creating Team Magma. Similarly, ARCHIE, a water type fan, wanted to create more sea, and thus formed Team Aqua.

They are now locked in a vicious gang war.

Honestly, they pose no serious threat, their outfits are goofy at the best of times, and cold, calculating Giovanni is replaced by two, balding, uncharismatic, pudgy guys.

Their ultimate goal is to get their hands on a legendary Pokémon. Magma wants Groudon, said to have created the land, and Aqua wants Kyogre, rumored to have created the sea.

After you stop their boundless stupidity from ending the planet. It's back to business, Elite Four, Champion, Victory.

I hardly DISLIKE Ruby/Sapphire, I love them! There was a serious graphical update, some neat new gameplay ideas, and they introduced some of my favorite Pokémon! But the story side of things took a SERIOUS dive.

Then there was Diamond/Pearl where things got silly.

"Gotta Catch'em All!" became a pipe dream when the number of Pokémon increased to 493. Like I said earlier a friend of my brother's did it, but to do so he had to play whilst DRIVING. Furthermore some Pokémon you could only receive through special events and conventions. It's become a mess.

You got the ability to polish your Gym Badges, which I do obsessively. The gym leaders are often hilarious, but that's par for the course.

Your Rival this time around is Barry. His joke is that he is hasty. Constantly plowing into you, running everywhere he goes, talking a mile a minute etc..

Then there is Team Galactic. With similar, but GRANDER, goals than Aqua and Magma.

Team galactic wants to create new SPACE.

..........

Well we can't fault them for lack of ambition can we?

They plan to do this by summoning the Devil. Yes, the Devil. The Devil is a Pokémon, his name's Giratina. So's God. God is a Pokémon too, his name's Arceus. This isn't hinted at or implied, they say it. Often. Giratina's the Devil. Arceus is God. These are games where you can CAPTURE AND TRAIN GOD.

Do you understand why I love this series yet?

This game's story falls into "So Bad It's Good" territory for me. Galactic is so BEAUTIFULLY over the top. They all have blue hair, they dress up in Star Fleet uniforms, it's hilarious.

The story becomes GOOD again with Black/White and Team Plasma.

They actually tried to shake up the formula this time around with decent results. You still have the same BASIC goals, Badges, Pokédex, etc., but the characters play a much larger role in the plot, particularly the Gym Leaders.

Team Plasma has an agenda, but actually a rather provocative one for the series.

Team Plasma wants all Trainers to release their Pokémon. They claim that we are using the Pokémon against their will, making them fight for our own amusement.

I actually really like this schtick. It had been a joke for a long time, and PETA had protested, Arceus help us, that the whole thing was morally icky, sending animals to fight each other for a contest. Why was it morally okay in the game when similar actions in the real world would get you arrested.

Black/White addressed that issue and explained the difference. You are not sending your Pokémon to fight, you and your Pokémon fight TOGETHER. Losing tires YOU out, victory makes YOU stronger. BOTH of you have skin in the game.

The final twist of the game is that the second in command is using the head of Team Plasma, a young, idealistic kid, and the Agenda for his own profit.

I really love this generation of the series. It was smart and well thought out. It made you think, and I like it when a game does that.

Ah, but this was only my SECOND favorite Pokémon generation.

Come back next time, when we look at my favorite Pokémon games, and what turned me from Geek to Gamer.

NEXT TIME: POKÉMON SOULSILVER VERSION.

Pokémon Retrospective Part 2: Pokémon SoulSilver Version

Pray for me, dear readers. I want a job at Rite Aid.

You see this blog doesn't pay anything and money isn't as much scarce as it is near nonexistent. So I've applied for a job at my local Rite Aid, and perhaps if I leap through a ring of FIRE they'll finally freaking hire me.

I've filled out a written application, I've spoken to the manager, I've filled out an ONLINE application, I've made my way through the labyrinth, and narfled the Garfok. I think I've finally convinced them I won't nick KitKats when they're not looking.

But you didn't come to hear about that! You came to hear about one of my favorite video games of all time!

.... Well the remake, same difference.

On Christmas Eve, 1999 my brother and I were wide awake with the door to our room open.

Our Mom and grandparents were downstairs wrapping presents, and Papou, God rest his saintly soul, was loud. The thunder of god had nothing on that man sneezing.

We had our mental Christmas list in our heads and we listened to my Grandfather loudly read it off in full.

"LEGEND OF ZELDA?!"

Majora's Mask. Matt was 1 for 1 so far.

"SOMETHING SMASH BROTHERS?! CRAP WHERE'RE MY GLASSES?!"

Super Smash Brothers, bullseye, I was now one for one.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THE NEW GAME BOYS?!"

The Game Boy Colors, we were each two for two.

And than he said it.

"UHH... POKE-MON? I DUNNO ONE OF'EM HAS A BIG CHICKEN ON IT AND ONE OF'EM HAS SOME KIND A DRAGON, ORANIA HAVE YOU SEEN MY READING GLASSES?"

Pokémon Gold and Pokémon Silver, three for three, victory was ours.

That vacation was all about Pokémon, I spent it playing Silver, watching the show, and MARATHONING Pokémon: The First Movie. God my mom got tired of it!

Some of you who know nothing about this series might be confused at the mention of "Versions" last time. Allow me to explain.

Each Pokémon game comes in two versions (E.G. Red and Blue). These versions will be the same game, but with slight differences. For example some Pokémon are only available in one version and not the other. Also, a few years later they release a THIRD version (E.G. Yellow), with slight tweaks on the story and sequence of events.

So this is technically the two SECOND Pokémon games, not the fourth and fifth.

Also it should be made clear that this is a remake. Every so often they take old generations, give them a fresh coat of paint, and release them again.

I am reviewing the remake today.

One more thing I should cover before getting into the review proper: regions.

Each.... Call it "Generation"..... of Pokémon games takes place in a new Region of one interconnected country. The FIRST games (Red/Blue) took place in the Kanto region, this one takes place in the Johto Region.

Speaking of which, meet Ethan! (Lyra if you're a girl)

Ethan is a kid from New Bark Town. He heard the news three years ago that a kid from a small town had defeated Team Rocket and rose to become the Champion.

History tends to repeat itself.

Over and over again, you see these games tended to have the same plot until generation five shook up the formula. The reason I like THESE games more than any other so far boils down to one word. Legacy.

The other games feel cut off from the games before and after. Continuity is made more as a passing mention to other characters about other regions, Oak will make an appearance now and again, but nothing SOLID.

In THIS game however the previous games had a DIRECT EFFECT on the story of this one. Particularly our old buddies Team Rocket!

After the final confrontation with Giovanni, the Rockets disbanded and Giovanni went into hiding. His one final gambit was the Silver Initiative.

Okay, it's not called that in-game, I just call it that because I'm a nerd.

The Silver Initiative instructed his top executives to continue activities in the Johto Region, and when they managed to regain their former strength to contact him by hijacking a radio station in Goldenrod City and broadcasting Team Rocket's triumphant return.

While Giovanni himself is Sir Not Appearing In This Game, his role is filled very nicely by Archer, his former number 2. Unlike his predecessor Archer stays mostly in the shadows, you only meet him near the end of the game. You get the feeling that he's not as badass as Giovanni YET, but he's getting there.

Also when I said "end of the game," that was a lie, it was more like three quarters in. All Pokémon games have significant PGC (Post Game Content), some Pokémon you can find only after you become Champion, oftentimes you can challenge the Elite Four AGAIN, this time powered up, etc.

This game tops ALL of that. After you become champion you get on a boat to the Kanto Region, Nine new cities, eight new badges, and the true Pokémon Master.

There is a humorous encounter with a Rocket Grunt who is unaware that the team has disbanded.

You meet up with Blue, who has become a Gym Leader, and a complete hardass.

You get some clues as to where Giovanni disappeared to.

Finally you meet the true final boss of the game. Pokémon Champion Red.

The first game was supposed to take place over the course of eight years (these games added a real-time day/night system that screwed THAT in the ear) and three years have taken place in between games.

He was ten at the start of the adventure. Those math savvy of you have already placed him at legal drinking age. Which perhaps explains why he is sitting on top of a glacier at the end of a long cave system in nothing but jeans and a sports jacket staring at the middle distance saying nothing.

As silly is this is, it's still pretty damn awesome. You've earned your bones in this world by this point. It's the clash of two TITANS on a mountaintop! It's hailing the whole time! Lightning is crackling in the sky! You're surrounded by bursts of flame! Vines are shooting up violently from the ground! It's the ultimate test of manhood! The kind of thing that you put on Metal in the background for! You're gripping onto the DS until your knuckles are WHITE! Finally when his last Pokémon falls you're SCREAMING at the screen! YEAH! YEAH! WHO'S THE MASTER NOW?! WHO'S THE MAN?! WHO'S THE MAN?! I CAN'T BE STOPPED!! I! CAN! NOT! BE! STOPPED!

*pant...pant* Hoo boy.... I gotta get out more.

I honestly thought that this was going to become the standard. Challenging the protagonist of a previous game is always awesome, and god help us I wanted to teach the Ruby/Sapphire protagonist to get a better haircut.

In all seriousness, the remake holds up to the original really well. These games and the way they work make occasional remakes almost necessary, otherwise completing the Pokédex is nigh impossible.

It was forty bucks when I got it, and that was two years ago! So let's go on Amazon and check out how much it has dro--SEVENTY FIVE BUCKS?!?!

So in conclusion I wouldn't purchase this game just yet. Unless you're reading this on your private island... Or you're insane.

We'll go back to regular reviews next week, but hopefully I can continue the retrospective in October. Why?

On October 13 of this year Generation Six, Pokémon X Version and Pokémon Y Version, will be hitting the shelves. This will be Pokémon's first leap into a 3D perspective. This will go one of two ways.

The "Ocarina of Time" route. I.E. This game changes the series, and perhaps gaming as a whole, forever.

Or the "Earthworm Jim 64" route. I.E. This game not only kills the series but the body is so disfigured it has to be identified with dental records.

So pray for Pokémon, and pray for me. I'd like to be employed soon.

NEXT TIME: JAMES POND: CODENAME ROBOCOD

...... Like I said, please pray for me.