It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.
Well, last year I had no cable, barely any Internet, and little to review.
This year I've seemed to fix all of those problems AND I am determined never to listen to Counting Crows again! Things are looking up!
Speaking of stuff to review, I received three games to review this Christmas! One of which I play as a angry Franco-Scots barbarian killing vampires with a spiky chain!
Because isn't that what Christmas is all about?
As silly as it sounds Castlevania has had a long and proud history since the late 80's. Telling the story of whip wielding vampire hunter Simon Belmont, Simon is sent to slay Dracula whose castle always rises from the ground next to some innocent village. And Dracula, not having anything better to do, is terrorizing the populous.
It was a good series. The only problem was that continuity was kind of a mess. This IS Capcom, where a sensible storyline is what happens to the Ace Attorney series and even then only most of the time, but Castlevania wasn't even pretending to try. The fourth game was a remake of the first game. Dracula's son got thrown into the mix. The castle got sucked into OUR dimension, it was insane. A reboot was needed, BADLY.
We finally got one with Castlevania: Lords of Shadow for the XBox 360. This focused on Gabriel Belmont, Simon's grandfather, as he battled the titular Lords of Shadow. These are big scary demon things that require you to rip off the gameplay aspects of God of War and Shadow of the Colossus.
You'd think that one of the Lords of Shadow would be Dracula, but actually you've been PLAYING as him the whole time. Between games Gabriel's exposure to the Lords of Shadow causes him to fall to darkness and become a vampire, taking the name Dracula (for some reason). HOWEVER a year earlier he had a son, Trevor, who was taken from his mother and hidden because this order of knights saw the Dracula thing coming due to a mirror they had that tells the future (for some reason), HE had a son, Simon, found out about his father and went to kick his ass. Trevor got his ass killed and Dracula sent werewolves to eat Simon and his Mom. Simon escaped but his mother got eaten, so he was raised by these Druids who- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
So much for straightening the story out. The whole thing stinks of Capcom "storytelling." You spend half the game playing as Simon, half the game playing as Dracula's son Alucard (it doesn't get any funnier the more you think about it). You, reader who knows nothing about the game, already know Alucard's identity (if you FOLLOWED any of that), but the game treats it like it's this HUGE reveal. A "You-never-saw-this-coming, it's-a-cookbook" reveal. THIS IS NOT A TWIST. Any one who can come within three digits of adding two and two can figure this out!
And the voice acting.....
MOTHER OF GOD, THE VOICE ACTING.
I've never paid $16 to listen to Scotsmen be bored before, but I hope to never do so again. I honestly believed that all three Belmonts were voiced by the same Schmuck, but no! The credits revealed an untalented Scottish schmuck CONVENTION. Where do they FIND all these bozos? Is there just a village out side of Edinburgh where no one gives a damn? Did they call mayor MacPhone-in and his two identical triplet brothers to give their most feeble performance possible? The dialogue doesn't help, it was written by chimps. Unimaginative chimps who delegated this crap.
The thing is as present as all of these flaws are they don't make the game BAD, they make it hilarious. You see the gameplay is VERY good and I have three basic rules about entertainment.
Music will ALWAYS be more important than lyrics.
Dramatic sense is ALWAYS more important than logical sense.
Gameplay will always, ALWAYS be more important than story.
Of course there are limits to all of those rules (ESPECIALLY the the second one), but luckily the game never crosses that line. Oh, it gets CLOSE, but just close enough that I'm laughing the whole time. The story being laughably bad actually goes in the plus column for this game. Capcom are MASTERS of good game, bad storytelling, so I can't say I wasn't enjoying myself the whole time.
Any game where I can murder vampires and werewolves with a spiky chain and pretend that they're Twilight fans is always good for the fun times. The boss fights are suitably f$&ked up for the horror theme. The enemy design is always fun. I also really like the fact that we've moved back to a 2D perspective like classic Castlevania games.
The gameplay would get a perfect score if it weren't for the hideously broken QTEs and pathetic final boss fight.
For those of you who don't know what a QTE is, good you're a lucky man so far. QTEs (or Quick Time Events) are when they show you a cutscene, then a button flashes on the screen. Pressing the button continues the cutscene.
Except, you know, when it doesn't.
I'm only a man, Castlevania! I'm beginning to believe that you don't want me to TAP through the Y button as much as you want me to Vibrate through it like I'm BARRY F$&KING ALLEN.
And other than the fact that the final chapter should have been the second chapter and someone stapled the script together wrong, the final boss fight goes through an annoy Greg checklist.
Easily stunlocks you by brushing past you lightly? Check!
Attacks that do too much damage? Check!
Too much health? Check!
Interrupted by Sweet-god-kill-me-now Quick Time Events? Check!
And finally...
Hideous exploit that means the fight is no longer difficult but is going to take the better part of your college years? Check and check!
I can't even be mad at THAT though because it's saved by pure Capcom comedy.
Actual quote from Dracula to his son after he has dropped his ass sixty stories and now has a spiky iron cross jutting out of his sternum: "LIVE!"
This game barely passes with a recommendation. It's got its problems to be sure, but you are definitely having fun the whole time, and really that's all that matters.
Not really much strategy to it though. I need something to exercise my inner general. Something to show I'm a true tactician.
NEXT POST: FIRE EMBLEM: AWAKENING
*chomps on cigar* I love it when a plan comes together.
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