Sonic Colors

We hereby commemorate Sonic The Hedgehog's body to the earth, after having all likability beaten out of him by the Sega corporation. Yea Sonic fans, do not fear. Gaming in general is the only medium that's actually constantly getting better. So even though one of our favorite gaming franchises is dead we will press on. What we must NOT do, my friends, is continue to buy games that bear his name in vain and post upon their boxes a hideous desecration of his corpse.

It's gotten somewhat depressing for an ex Sonic fan. Mostly because I'm keeping current Sonic fans from playing in traffic and away from anything sharper than dessert gelatin. His demise began in 2003 with his Redesign, which got rid of his pudge and instead made him look like an incredibly perturbed anime bobblehead doll.

However the quality of the games never dipped, and I list Sonic Advance as one of my favorite games of all time. No the final nail in Sonic's blue speedy coffin with a game that was meant to reboot the entire franchise cleverly entitled "Sonic the Hedgehog". It had control issues in the same way that Jeffrey Dahlmer was a little off, and a story that was so bloody impenetrable it is impossible to explain without visual aids and several swear words I am uncomfortable using knowing my mom reads this blog.

It is considered to be one of the worst video games of all time, but you drooling idiots still bought it didn't you? That's how they made 2 Wii titles no one has heard of and Sonic Unleashed the earthly avatar of Satan.

Since then we have had 2 Types of Sonic games the Barely Passable, and the Crap.

I am proud to say with Sonic Colors we have a THIRD category! The barely passable crap!!

I'm playing the Nintendo DS version, not the apparently "better" Console edition. Though I call bullshit on "better." Because if Sonic 2006 and Unleashed proved anything it's that trying to control Sonic in a 3D is like firing a rocket down an AC vent and asking it very politely not to hit the walls.

So we have this monkey house of a DS game. In every aspect of this game there is one, and only ONE flaw. If any one of those things were the only flaw of the game, the game would have been actually decent, all of them TOGETHER makes an experience as frustrating as watching Attack of the Clones and suppressing your thirst for blood.

The level design is very creative, I don't see how you can go wrong with a theme park in space. The main problem is THAT I NOTICED.

Look level designers, I know you hate Sonic games. I get that it is frustrating to have no one appreciate your work because they are rocketing past it at Mach 12, but the solution to that is most certainly not to make every level a towering behemoth that no one wants to stand under for fear it may drop on them.

Another thing that level designers shouldn't do unless they want to spite the player is coat all the platforms in butter that has itself been coated in KY jelly. You slide for a long period after you stop pressing the button. Usually off a cliff, into spikes, or into the loving arms of a hostile robot fire hydrant.

The boss fights are too easy. Unless it's the second one in which case the game promises to replace your DS because you undoubtedly ate the last one.

But the main problem with this game, and indeed all Sonic games, is that it stars Modern Sonic who is a complete ASS HAT. He speaks in that horrible "Cool guy" voice that makes me want to stab him to death with his own quills. His dialogue was written by the WiseCrack-O-Tron 5000. And I don't understand how his MASSIVE TUMOROUS HEAD upon stickman body doesn't snap his 90's style obnoxious wisecracking neck.

As I said before, Sonic is dead. And buried. This hideous Frankenstein's monster Cinos the Porcupine isn't going to convince me he's not. Before you ask, no I haven't played generations yet and I'm not going too. Even if it's shimmering gold I will not touch it with a ten foot pole because if I keep doing this I may as well go to the Danbury cemetery and play "Weekend at Bernie's" with my Civil War vet ancestors.