Metroid: Other M

This game can tell you a lot about a game critic. It really depends on how they put their opinion, either the game is only okay because the gameplay is alright or it's only ok because the story is absolute wank.

It really tells you weather it is gameplay or story that's more important to them. It has always been MY opinion that as long as I'm having FUN, I can deal with terrible characters and forgotten plotlines, that is why it is called a GAME after all...

So let me conclude this introduction by saying that Metroid Other M is kind of crap.

Let's start with my cherished gameplay, it's competently run for the most part. So it basically moves Metroid's classic 2D run and gunning and moves it to 3D rather sloppily. Every movement feels off, every shot delayed, the climbing mechanic fells weird, but all of that COULD be my hardware and not a fault of the actual GAME (though I doubt it).

What IS a fault of the game is the missiles.

You have to switch from a third person perspective to a first person perspective to fire them. Which, on it's own, feels about as natural as a styrofoam Twinkie , but it also aims by pointing the controller at the screen.

Do me a favor, get a bar of soap. Put the soap under warm water for one minute, once that is done, grasp it with both hands and attempt to crush it flat.

I'll wait.

........….

You have undoubtedly come back after realizing that this is fucking impossible. Congratulations. I have now given you the Metroid: Other M Missile Experience. Now if only the soap was as breathtakingly dumb as the main character.

Samus Aran is probably one of the most respected female protagonists currently in the media, so why in the name of god did they give her to Team Ninja.

Team Ninja is famous for two game franchises. Ninja Gaiden, famous for excessive gore, and Dead Or Alive, famous for more than excessive cleavage.

I have a rule. If a female character is fun, and well developed I will look upon her physique as a bonus, otherwise I look upon it as ungodly IRRITATING.

However I can recognize that Team Ninja are in fact, trying to distance themselves from that. The scary thing is that THEY THINK THAT THIS IS WHAT CHARACTERIZATION OF WOMEN LOOKS LIKE!!!!

Apparently it is a woman, constantly whining, freaking out for no reason, and not doing anything, including something that could save her life in dire situations, without express permission from a man.

The man in question is Adam Malkovich, who was established in earlier games.

In those games he was Samus's Ex CO, established as a complete Badass, tough as nails, and generally a figure worthy of my respect. He also had the habit of calling Samus "Lady" on missions, but it was made clear that that was a mark of respect to his agent, not a slam against her.

In THIS game, he is a massive, unlikable, stupid, joyless, cowardly, chauvinist, prick basket.

Also, while in previous games an attraction was subtly IMPLIED, here Samus spends most of her time begging god that Adam asks her to the goddam PROM!!!!!

In conclusion, please, purchase Metroid Prime, or Metroid: Fusion, or ANY OTHER GAME IN THE FRANCHISE. Just do NOT give any money to this heinous insult to the female character as an art form and otherwise kind of annoying game.

Next time, were going to need to get a better example of a female protagonist, so I'm going to look at an old favorite of my brother's!