iPhone Free Apps

We all know Angry Birds

We all know Fruit Ninja

We all know Cut The Rope.

We ALSO download a lot of useless free app games that took less time to develop than it does to make a Hot Pocket.

I have downloaded a TON of these games, and their quality varies from title to title. This review is dedicated to the six free games that have had the biggest impact on me. So, what're we waiting for? Let's get started with....

DOODLE TRUCK

You play as a delivery truck that delivers crates to all the demons in the bowels of HELL. At least that's what I assume is going on. Whoever you work for has sent you on a road that has massive gaps, mountains, and jumps.

Not to mention your truck is a pile of crap. First of all the truck bed is WIDE open. So if you go at a speed of "Moving per hour" your cargo gleefully flies out of the back of the truck! Go unmarked crates possibly containing narcotics! You're free! FREE!

Also your boss has put Nitro Glycerine in the engine, the doors, the trunk, and the wheels. ANYTHING THAT TOUCHES YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR TRUCK. A lovable kitten could rub its tiny head against one of your tires:

"Hello Mr. Truck! I'm Mittens! Will you be my fr----"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

He can't finish his sentence because the truck detonated and sent him sailing through the air. (Don't worry, the kitten I just made up is fine. He landed in an old lady's purse and now spends his time playing with her grandchildren.)

DOORS

To my UTTER disappointment you do not play as Jim Morrison as he shoots up, abandons his friends and destroys his life. No instead you are trapped in a house that has obviously been designed by The Riddler.

There are 50 doors, each one has a puzzle to open it. The difficulty varies between door. Some of them are rather easy to figure out... Some of them.....

Some of them are door 16.

I entered room 16 to discover a man passed out on the floor. Being the considerate gentleman that I am, I stepped RIGHT over his body and made my way to the door, of course it was locked. I tried every item I had on me, no dice.

So I turned back to the man on the floor. I poked him. He grunted at me. I tried using my items. Nothing. I shook my iPhone. Squat. I sacrificed a chicken under a blood moon at midnight, NOTHING WOULD FREAKING WORK.

In frustration I slammed the phone face down on the couch, and heard the door unlock.

I hurriedly picked the phone, only to discover that the door had locked on me again.

It took me a minute for me to realize that the iPhone, like the Amazing Unconscious Man, had to be FACE DOWN. I ended up having to lean back like I had the worlds worst nosebleed.

STICKMAN CLIFF DIVING

You are a stick figure Cliff Diver. You are given a trick to do. Successfully pull off said trick and the judges will not give you enough points because god hates you.

You could do seven backflips, eight frontflips, solve world hunger, cure all the world's diseases, marry a beautiful blonde girl, and have her give birth to the second coming of CHRIST, all on the way down, then hit the water at a PERFECT 45 degree angle. You will STILL be twelve points short on completing the level.

Eventually you are just making the Stickman bellyflop into the water from 100 feet up and laughing as he powderizes his sternum.

BIKE RACE

Like Doodle Truck I think this one takes place in hell…

You are a motocross bike racer. You have a track suspended in the air. Your Goal? Reach the end without dying.

........

Yeah, you race no one, the title is a complete misnomer.

Out of the six, this is the one I play most. MOSTLY because it frustrates me to the point of madness.

You are going to die, you'll die a lot, and boy is it the most humorous way possible. First of all the Motorcycle's body completely disintegrates. Gone. No where to be seen. Along with the rider. In it's place is just a cartoony puff of orange smoke. I think that's because Satan has transported the rider to The Chamber of the Horny, Intrusive Gorilla for failing the test.

"Wait MCC," you are asking, "What about the wheels?"

I'm glad you asked! The wheels, celebrating their new freedom, spin merrily away in separate directions. If you listen close, you can hear them sing 1800s Slave Spirituals!

APPLE SHOOTING

Not much to talk about here. You are.... Some kind of bastard child of Crocodile Dundee and Marlon Brando, and you try to shoot an apple of the head of someone who looks like Judas Iscariot.

That, along with the background of a single tree in a sea of blackness, makes me, again, believe I'm getting a Divine Comedy style tour of the land of nightmares and hopelessness.

Eventually you will get bored of shooting the apple and you'll try to kill Judas in the most entertaining way possible. I'm not sure if this is a glitch, but one time I shot him through the nose and he began spazing out.

Ha ha ha...... I'm a terrible person

HACK RUN

HEY KIDS! You want some extreme action?!? Play HACK RUN!!!! The latest iPhone game from "Who Gives A Flyer?"

Hack into an office building!!!!

EXTREME!!!!!!

Research their business deals!!!!

EXTREME!!!!

Stare at text all day!!!!!!

EXTREME!!!!!!!

Wonder what carpet tastes like!!!!!

EXTREME!!!!!!

Hey kids! KIDS!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!


So that's my look at Free IPhone games. My recommendation? SHELL OUT THE DOLLAR FOR FRUIT NINJA.