KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 2

"X-E-M-N-A-S

Got it memorized?"

CAUTION: THIS REVIEW IS PART 2 OF A PART 4 OF A RETROSPECTIVE. SO CALL IT A 4 AND 1/2! 4.5? READ THE REST OF THEM!!!!!!


This guy..........

Xemnas is the Man. Plain and simple. While Ansem was, in a lot of ways, a cartoony Disney villain, Xemnas ups the ante in EVERY WAY.

You never know what he's planning. You never know what the real goal is.

His STATED goal is to give Hearts to all of Organizations members......

buuut I never bought it, and I don't think Sora did either.

He behaves like the leader of a cult. His eyes are always pointing upwards. His arms are always outstretched. He has a voice like liquid sex, and he has an almost sympathetic face.

It's ANSEM'S face with slightly different hair, but it works.

Hell, I would've bought it, and even helped him.......

if it weren't for those EYES.

Those eyes.... those horrible yellow eyes.

This is Xehanort's mark. Whenever he does anything of any significance, it is marked by yellow eyes.

And NO incarnation of Xehanort works them better than Xemnas.

Every time you think he MIGHT be on the level, he MIGHT actually want his heart back, he MIGHT not be that bad.....

all you need to do is look at those smug, mocking, PITYING eyes to know that he's full of crap.

To know that he WANTS you to know he's full of crap. He's GLOATING about how he's full of crap.

Oh, he also fights with lightsabers he sprouts out of his wrists.

Any objections you may have had about this villain are now invalid, take your awesome and sit down.

Okay... That's enough gushing. Where did I leave off?

Oh yeah! Xemnas had just made his entrance. That's why I was talking about him.

Sora tries to confront Xemnas, but Xemnas says, essentially, "If you can get to me."

Thus begins one of the most memorable events in all of gaming.

The Battle of Hollow Bastion. Also known as the Battle of the 1,000.

You are dropped in the middle of a vast expanse of land. Enemies as far as the eye can see. A simple instruction appears on screen:

"Defeat all the Heartless!"

You are alone, and you have to take down 1,000 Heartless before you can move on.

It is the biggest enemy grind in gaming history.

And. I. LOVE IT.

To explain WHY we're going to need a term definition. This time of a term never used in the game.

Over 9,000: An Internet meme that references the anime series Dragon Ball Z. Specifically a moment within it wherein a villain of the show looks at apparatus that measures strength, and is shocked to find our hero's power level "Over 9,000." Since then it has been used to describe an instance when a character's fighting prowess or superpowers get to a point of awesomely and ridiculously over the top.

This battle is way..... WAY over 9,000. Scouters are exploding at this point.

You're taking out five or six enemies with one hit. You're wielding the elements at their most potent. If you leveled up right you can f$&king FLY.

NOTHING like this fight had ever been seen before in a video game. It really showcased what the Playstation 2 could do.

Okay, after the awesome, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mickey go off to confront Xemnas.

Sora is desperate. He begs Xemnas to tell him where Riku and Kairi are.

Xemnas has no information about Kairi.

"As for Riku.... Why not ask your king?"

Xemnas opens a Dark Corridor to leave. Mickey leaps in after him.

Saïx then shows up to inform Sora what has really been going on. What they have been using him for.

Every time Sora slays a Heartless with the Keyblade, a captive Heart is freed. This Heart is then recaptured by the Organization and is used to make a mock Kingdom Hearts.

Once it is completed, Xemnas says he will fulfil his promise and return the lost Hearts to everyone in the Organization.

Sora is stunned. He can't believe he's been playing right into their hands.

"How am I of use if I can't use the Keyblade?"

The trio is about to be overrun by Heartless. Sora is frozen and can't, WON'T fight.

"Fools! Must you make me do everything!"

WARNING! WHAT FOLLOWS IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER MINDF$&K. COVER YOUR EARS SO YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T ESCAPE.

Maleficent shows up and says that the Organization has forced her to help Sora out for the time being. She tells them to get out of here and pushes the trio into a Dark Corridor.

They wake up in a field of pitch blackness.

A guy in Organization garb hands Donald a box, then vanishes. Within the box is a Sea-Salt Ice Cream bar (it's been a thing), and a picture of Roxas.

Sora recognizes the boy in the photo, even though he's never met him before.

If you haven't guessed what Roxas is by now, you are welcome to ride the moron bus back home.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy wake up back on the Gummi Ship. Things seem to have calmed down in Hollow Bastion for the time being.

Goofy tells Sora not to worry, the Heartless are still a major threat. He's going to HAVE to use the Keyblade to defeat them. They can work on a plan for the Organization's mock Kingdom Hearts when they come to it.

The trio reasons that the Organization must have a stronghold somewhere. Thus they have to search the Worlds once again for a way in.

For the next few hours you revisit the Worlds you've already seen. In most games this is pretty tedious, but in this game they make it pretty cool. You get to see new areas, fight new bosses, gain new powers, and even get new, cooler, Keychains.

Throughout the levels you keep getting information that suggests that Riku has been helping you out from the sidelines. For some reason however, he won't come forward and confront Sora.

You also deal with another member of the Organization. Xaldin.

Here's my strategy for dealing with Xaldin: Prayer.

I have never been able to deal with Xaldin using anything other than pure luck. You fight the asshole on a narrow walled bridge, so he can corner you when he feels like it. He has wind powers so you're unsafe wherever there's, you know, AIR. His weapon of choice is six lances, which he can fire out in all directions.

Oh, and if you haven't equipped the ability "Leaf Bracer," which makes it so you can't take damage while healing, you are eight kinds of f$&ked.

It's not a BAD boss fight by any means, I just suck at it.

Anyway, you beat him and he dissipates. So cats and kittens! Let's do the math.

So far we have killed seven members of Organization XIII. Two in this game, five in Chain of Abuse Alcohol Until You Have No Memories.

Roxas fused back with Sora at the beginning of the game. Axel is on the run from the Organization and you won't be fighting him again this game.

With thirteen members to start, with that leaves four members left, including Saïx and Xemnas.


After a thorough search Sora finds a way into the Organization's stronghold.

There is a way in through Twilight Town! Kind of.

The way you get in is through the VIRTUAL Twilight Town that DiZ made for Roxas. It's complicated

On the way in Sora has to pass through this kind of Limbo. In here he is jumped by EVERY MONSTER NOBODY IN NON EXISTENCE.

Help comes in the form of, oddly enough, Axel.

Axel says that he had Kairi, but she managed to escape.

She was then captured by Saïx.

Axel helps defeat the Nobody horde, but the strain of the battle is too much for him, and he starts to fade.

Sora: Why did you do all of this?

Axel: I wanted to see Roxas. He was the only one I liked. He made me feel..... like I had a Heart.

Axel then dissipates. An unknown sadness seems to wash over Sora.

A tear that doesn't seem to belong to him trickles down his cheek.

The trio steps through the void into the Organization's stronghold. The World that Never Was.

THEN HOW AM I STANDING ON- f$&k it.


Your first encounter in The World that Most Certainly Is is quite odd.

Donald and Goofy are held back by Dusks and Sora is approached by a hooded Organization member.

The figure touches Sora and warps him to the stained glass pocket dimension from KH1.

In the original cut of the game this fight is handled in cutscene.

In the "Final Mix" cut of the game, you can personally make this asshole pay for WASTING THREE HOURS OF YOUR TIME!

Yes, it's an odd metaphysical boss fight with Roxas! He whips out two Keyblades and IMMIEDIATELY begins pounding you into a corner.

Roxas is FAST. Insanely fast. Almost UNFAIRLY fast. His attack is also off the freaking charts, so expect damage.

You're gonna die..... a lot.

The good news is the schmuck has no defense, and gets stunlocked easily. So once you GET a hit in, the fight is all but over.

Roxas drops his hood and looks at Sora.

"You make a good other."

Sora is warped back to Donald and Goofy. The entire fight happened in less than a second.

And now, the Lightning Round!

Alright, a lot of plot happens in a very short amount of time. Keep in mind that everything that happens from now until the start of the boss fight with Xigbar....

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Xigbar

I'll get to Xigbar

....... is going to happen within FIFTEEN MINUTES OF GAME TIME.

Okay, here we go.

*INHALE*

We cut for a minute to Kairi in the Organization's dungeon. Saïx approaches her and tells her that she is being used as bait because the Organization needs Sora alive.

After Saïx leaves, Naminé shows up in Kairi's cell and uses, let's be honest, the power of plot convenient horsesh*t to bust her out.

Naminé leads Kairi to "Ansem" from the beginning of the game. Naminé reveals that "Ansem" is actually Riku.

It's complicated, I'll get to it after the lightning round.

DiZ showed up with Riku and Naminé. He separates from the group and heads up to the top of a great big tower with a massive cannon to aim at the mock Kingdom Hearts.

He's jumped by a few Dusks and the screen goes black.

Mickey is also here and is kicking all kinds of ass. He starts heading up to where DiZ is.

Sora, Donald and Goofy storm the castle and run into Saïx. Saïx tells them that they still have Kairi, and if Sora wants her, he's going to have to get past the Organization's sharpshooter Xigbar.

TIME! (huff.... huff...... huff)

Xigbar is the Nobody of Ansem the Wise's second apprentice Braig.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER KINDA:
Braig

Braig isn't necessarily important NOW, but he will be in later games. He was the only one who started out as a dickhorse, and not just turned into one when he became a Nobody.

Xigbar uses "arrowguns," that's what he calls them. They're essentially high powered laser firing crossbows.

His superpower is spacial manipulation. Teleportation, opening black holes, etc.

So let's make sure we've got this right. A man who can open wormholes within the arena so he can LITERALLY be in two places at once, with laser guns.

Allow me to swear FOR you.

F$&K. F$&K. F$&K. F$&K. F$&K. MOTHERF$$$$$$$&&&&&&&&&K!!!!

Good GOD this fight is insane.

First part he leaps to a ledge and starts to snipe you.

The camera's perspective is FROM THE ARROWGUN. The only example I can think of of SECOND PERSON PERSPECTIVE gameplay.

You can't avoid the lasers, Xigbar is too good of a shot.

You have to knock a laser back into his face. Once you do this, he starts warping around the field firing at rapid speed.

Time to whip out those Drive forms, people!

I recommend using Valor here. Using long range attacks against a man who can teleport is as dumb an idea as it sounds.

If you're as obsessed with these games as I am, you should be able to only lose ONE night of sleep beating your face against this boss fight.

As Xigbar starts to fade, Sora demands he spits out where Kairi is.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Xigbar then fades away, not to be seen for about three games.

Guess who was marketable enough to come back as part of Xehanort's actual plan! Yaaaay!!

Sora is then jumped by Dusks, when Riku ("Ansem") and Kairi show up on the balcony above.

Kairi is irritated that she can't help when the MOST AWESOME THING EVER HAPPENS.

"Take it."

And Riku hands Kairi a Keyblade.

Where did he get it? Why doesn't he use it himself? Why is Kairi suddenly combat effective when she's never fought before in the series? Why does her Keyblade look like it was forged by Princess Celestia and Fluttershy?

I. DON'T. CARE.

It is SO awesome to see Kairi leap off that balcony and start kicking ass! She doesn't even hesitate.

I'm calling it! Kairi is the most badass Disney princess ever.

Riku joins the fight also and Sora is surprised to see, well, ANSEM helping them out.

And now exposition. Damn near HALF AN HOUR'S worth of exposition. Just put the controller down, you're not going to need it.

It's interesting, and well directed and everything, but.... can I kill something now? This is a problem that a LOT of JRPGs have. Really long cutscenes that are nearly uninterrupted by gameplay. This is not a problem KH usually has.

True story, the game Xenosaga had a cutscene so long my brother FORGOT HE WAS PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

Okay, where to start.

Riku finally explains why he looks like Ansem. DiZ sent him out to catch Roxas and Roxas kicked his ass up and down the multiverse. To defeat Roxas he had to let Darkness consume him to power himself up. When he did this he took the form of the thing he hated the most, understandably, that was Ansem. He's been avoiding Sora because......

Well let's face it, did YOU buy any of that? Didn't think so.

Mickey catches up with DiZ, and DiZ finally unmasks.

"I should have known I'd find you here, Ansem. What were you thinking?"

Yes! DiZ was secretly Ansem the Wise. He went into hiding after Xehanort went insane, and...... he kind of lost it himself.

He went vengeance crazy and started working in the shadows to take down Organization XIII. He adopted the moniker Darkness in Zero, or DiZ.

He used Darkness to fight his battles and pushed Riku to use it as well. Mickey tells him that he's a galloping idiot, and Ansem the Wise can't help but agree.

DiZ explains that he's here now to make amends for everything he's forced Riku to do. Mickey agrees to help him with the canon thingy.

We then get a good look at the mock Kingdom Hearts and it's really cool. It looks like a great big heart shaped moon.

Standing under it is Xemnas. Saïx approaches him and we get an.... interesting conversation:

Saïx: Is it ready?

Xemnas: Nearly. We'll need a few more Hearts to complete it, but it won't be long now.

Saïx: After it's finished.... I can end this charade?

Xemnas: ...... Indeed.

.............

Have I mentioned that Saïx has BURNING YELLOW EYES?

Oh good! Gameplay again.

Sora moves upwards and faces another organization member, Luxord.

You're fighting a Time Mage! Welcome to hell.

Luxord is called "The Gambler" for good reason. This boss fight is designed to be 50% luck. I have no strategy for you. Try to avoid getting hit when he flings giant cards at you.

Bad memories.... Bad CHAIN of memories... Goosfrabaaaa.

Okay, I think I'm good now.

You move into the Organization's green room, known as the Gray Area (cute).

There you meet up with Saïx.

Oh...... Oh so very MUCH pain.

Saïx starts out pretty tame. His weapon is a great big concrete slab on a stick with spikes at the end. It's when Saïx's SUPERPOWER comes into it that things get rough.

Saïx is a Lycanthrope.

Not a WEREWOLF. His power is LYCANTHROPY, there's a difference.

He doesn't turn into a monster, he simply gains an insane bloodlust at the full moon.

And apparently the mock Kingdom Hearts counts.

Master Form here. You're going to need it.

You beat him and, even as he's fading, he keeps up the "charade."

"Kingdom Hearts....... Where is my Heart?"

Sora wonders aloud why he keeps remembering Roxas, and Riku explains the bleedingly obvious.

"Sora, Roxas is your Nobody."

Yeah, remember way back in KH1 when Sora turned himself into a Heartless? That's when that happened.

The group push ahead to the roof and run into Mickey and Ansem the Wise.

Ansem the Wise is pointing his doom canon at the mock Kingdom Hearts. That's when Xemnas shows up and they have some very choice words.

PARAPHRASING:
"F$&k you!"
"Yeah? Well f$&k you too!"

Ansem the Wise tells the heroes that the canon is overloading and they should probably get off the roof now.

Mickey puts a barrier around the group and the canon explodes. Taking most of the mock Kingdom Hearts with it.

It even looks like Xemnas may be dead!

Of course.... he ISN'T. But yay, hope!

This also changes Riku back to normal because.... uh....... friendship?

Filled with newfound resolve. Sora and company go to have the final showdown with Xemnas.

Okay. Now for the final boss fight. The SIX PHASE FINAL BOSS FIGHT.

Phase 1: Just a straight up mano è mano with Xemnas. Not particularly hard.

After that Xemnas absorbs the remaining energy from Kingdom Hearts and moves into......

Phase 2: Hit him ONCE. This is easier said than done due to the fact that he's ten city blocks away from you, and is casually pelting you with SKYSCRAPERS.


I would LOVE to see Cyndi Lauper try to beat this.

"I'm gon-" *WHAM*

After he tries to kill you with a CITY, he shifts into.....

Phase 3: He turns into a giant Dusk rooted to his throne. Yes, yes this IS straight out of Akira. I keep expecting Tetsuo's god choir to chime in.

DUN.... DUN..... DUN DUN.

After you beat this form, (it's not that hard, just keep Curaga on standby), it will look like the fight is over.

Mickey finds a portal that leads back through the limbo-state, and eventually back to the Islands.

Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Kairi all go through it, then it slams shut on Sora and Riku.

Something whizzes past them.

Phase 4: A starship made out of a dragon.

Riku hijacks one of the Organization's hoverbikes (yes, they have hoverbikes) and he and Sora give chase.

And now, because it is required by law, I'll make the Return of the Jedi reference:

"Get alongside that one!"

Can we move on? Thank you.

This phase is a PAIN. The thing has SIX targets on it. You take them out one at a time. They all have obscene amounts of health. Not to mention you're going to be spending a lot of time dodging projectile attacks that are made of concentrated kill you.

I DID find a trick, though. There's a slight bug (at least on my copy) where his attacks can't reach the top left corner of the screen. Camp out there until he's done, then move in for the kill.

After that you move on to....

Phase 5: See phase three with twice as much health.

Phase 6: He looks human again now... Mostly.

He appears to be UNRAVELING. Literally, parts of him are destroying and reconstructing themselves. Some of the color has drained out of his coat so it appears a psychedelic mix of black and white.

After an awesome exchange of dialogue:

Xemnas: If light and darkness are eternal, than we Nothings must be eternal as well.

Sora: True, Light and Darkness last forever.... Nothingness is probably infinite too..... But guess what Xemnas.

*Moves into stance*

Sora: That doesn't make YOU eternal!

We move on to the last part of the final boss fight, and by GOD does it kick ass.

Xemnas's super power is...... Well let me quote the in-game character profile:

"Through power over Nothing, he seeks power over Everything."

What that...... inane gibberish apparently means is that he can warp you to a tiny pocket dimension where he is god, and physics is his bitch.

This is the setting for the final leg of this boss fight.

Let's see here..... He stabs you in the face.....

Throws energy blasts at you...

Frequently shuts gravity off.....

And finally surrounds you in a pinpoint dome of laser pellets you have to deflect back at him like you're a f$&king Jedi.

After that he dissipates, and I'm sure we'll NEVER see him again! (Yeah, not even three games later.)

Riku and Sora escape the pocket dimension to find themselves in hell.

Okay, "The Realm of Darkness." Basically hell.

We have one of those wonderful scenes:

"Hey, we're probably going to die here, we have no way to get home, but we won! Yay!"

After that, a bright light overtakes them.

They wake up on the Islands greeted by all of their friends.

Who provided the light to get them back home?

Sora: We're back!

Kairi: You're home.

So it's happy endings for all, the journey is finally over.

Or is it?

About a month later a bottle washes up on shore. It contains a letter from Mickey.

Whatever it says, it shocks Sora, Riku, and Kairi.

It's not over yet.

And...... That's my favorite video game of all time.

I've spent a lot of time trying to classify this series with a genre, with little success. I can hardly call them "Fantasy," when you think of that you think of Lord of the Rings.

"Sci-Fi" doesn't work either. Science comes nowhere NEAR Kingdom Hearts.

So I came up with my own Genre.

Definition Fantasy.

"Fantasy" doesn't just mean elves and dwarfs. Fantasy means simply a creation of the mind, free from limitation.

A series THIS bizarre, this out of the ordinary, this....... original is the epitome of a fantasy.

There are four other games in the series. I'll look at them at some later date.

In my opinion however, no video game in the series...... no video game, period, can compare to Kingdom Hearts 2.

And I am so happy I got to play it again.

Well next time it's back to basics.

NEXT POST: GHOSTBUSTERS: THE VIDEO GAME

Really, there's only one way to end this post.

Sing along if you know it.

Now it's time
To say good bye
To all our company

M-I-C
See you real soon!

K-E-Y
Why? Because we like ya.

M-O-U-S-E

KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 1

"I'm all that's left.....

Or maybe I'm all there ever was.....

What about you?

Do you remember your TRUE name?"

CAUTION: THIS REVIEW IS PART OF A RETROSPECTIVE. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN READING THIS REVIEW, PLEASE READ THE OTHER POSTS THAT CAME BEFORE THIS ONE.

We're finally here.

Happy 2nd anniversary, readers. Today we look at my favorite video game ever made.

You've got to understand, this is not just a game I think is good. This is a game I replay every now and then to remind myself that video games can still BE good.

I have never seen a better design and narrative delivered more beautifully in a video game.

I may have called Batman: Arkham City "the perfect video game" in my review, and it kind of was.

The thing is, Arkham City did what it NEEDED to do, spectacularly.

KH2 did what it WANTED to do, spectacularly.

If you've been reading so far, you know that you can't call these games "safe." This is a batsh*t crazy Disney/Final Fantasy cross fanfic made by a nerd who NEVER thought he'd get funding.

It is nothing short of a miracle that this franchise saw the light of day.

I am so glad it did.

This is Kingdom Hearts 2.

For those of you who can't remember due to blinding rage, at the end of Chain of Go F$&k Yourselves, Sora got himself frozen like a Popsicle due to the fact that he had his memories ripped apart one by one by Cyndi Lauper and a dumb bimbo named Naiminé.

So how are we going to start this game?

Enter Roxas.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Roxas

I..... I don't LIKE Roxas.

In the KH1 review I talked about how Sora is a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, a little stupid, and just FUN to play as.

Roxas is the exact OPPOSITE of that. He's depressive, whiny, somber, morally ambiguous, and just generally IRRITATING.

And I'm stuck with him for THREE HOURS.

He lives in Twilight Town. He's excited to spend the last week of his summer vacation with his friends!

Say, remember how KH1 handled it's tutorials?

That weird dream Sora was having, with the stained glass? It made you REALLY interested in the world they set up and got you a feel for a gameplay in really clever way.

Well, enjoy five days in the mundane life of a whiny teenager.

Get a pedestrian job!

Enter this weird fighting tournament the town is having!

Try to go to the beach!

Fail!

Okay... Okay.... I'm not being fair. The opening actually DOES pull you in ALMOST as well as the first one.

It becomes clear that Roxas has some connection to Sora. He keeps having dreams about the first game.

Every time the dream is over you see static and hear a computerized voice telling you how close we are to finishing the "restoration."

Then weird things start happening throughout Twilight Town.

First of all is the theft of several _____.

What the what?

______.

______!

Son of a bitch! Really we're doing this now?! I know this is what happened in the game but---

Grrrrrr.

Yes, not just the ______, but the WORD ______ has also been stolen.

Everyone accuses Roxas. So Roxas goes out and tries to clear his name.

He catches the thief in the act and chases him to an old abandoned mansion.

The thief is not human. It is a monster in a white jumpsuit.

This is NOT a Heartless, I'll get into what he IS later.

The monster speaks to him.

"We have come for you, my liege."

Roxas tries to fight them off with his baseball bat, to no avail.

The Keyblade appears in his hands.

He uses it to defeat the monster and then it disappears.

He retrieves the stolen PHOTOS (thank you) and it turns out that all of the stolen photos were of Roxas.

"You think that the thief was trying to steal the REAL Roxas or something?"

At that point we cut to DiZ and a guy in organization uniform talking around a computer.

I will explain who he actually IS later in the review, but let's just call him AGR. (Armani Grim Reaper)

DiZ: Organization miscreants, they've found us.

AGR: Why would the Organization steal photographs?

DiZ: Similar data. The fools couldn't understand the difference.

Roxas also has a run in with Naminé.

The entire town seems to pause and she approaches him.

"I wanted to meet you. At least one time."

The town unfreezes and then goes along as if nothing happened.

A few days later, more of the white things show up to meet Roxas.

They are under the command of Axel.

A memory flashes back into Roxas's head.

Roxas: We're.... best friends.... Right?

Axel: Sure, but I'm not getting turned into a Dusk for..... Wait! You remember?! That's great! But, you know, I gotta make sure...

What's our boss's name?

Roxas has no response. A fight ensues between the two of them.

Roxas wins and Axel runs off. The town proceeds as if nothing had happened.

Meanwhile DiZ is sitting in the foyer of the mansion.

He is joined by AGR. AGR asks DiZ why he's going through all of this trouble. Why he's set all of this up for Roxas.

"Revenge."

DiZ asks the hooded figure his name.

The man drops his hood.

"It's Ansem."

DiZ seems to find that amusing. He laughs quietly to himself.

Roxas wakes up and goes to meet his friends.

No one can see him. People pass right through him. Confused and anguished, Roxas has no choice to follow the voice of Saruman.

"Roxas! To the mansion! The time has come...."

Roxas runs to the mansion, fighting off the creatures in white as he goes.

He heads up to the bedroom of a Mansion, and......

And it's Naminé's room from Castle Oblivion? Huh?

Uhhhhh. Okay.

So yeah, Roxas sees a bunch of Naminé's sketches and memories come flooding back.

As if this is a surprise to ANYONE, Roxas was a member of Organization XIII, until some things happened (explained in the second worst game in the series) that caused him to doubt the nature of his existence, and what the Organization's leader was preaching to him.

He was good friends with Axel. So when he struck out on his little mutiny Axel did what he COULD do, and gave him a head start.

He ended up having a fight with RIKU, and kicked his ass from pillar to post.

After that fight he ended up in the care of DiZ and the man calling himself "Ansem." They threw him in a computer simulation that put him into this odd "Leave it to Beaver"-esque lifestyle.

In this flashback DiZ says to "Ansem" that once Sora has his memories back, Roxas is going to die.

Ansem: Poor thing.....

DiZ: It's the fate of a Nobody.

They're going to give you the definition for this later in the game, but I'm going to give it to you now.

Nobody: When someone of strong will becomes a Heartless, a Nobody is created as well, made out of the rest of the victim's identity (mind, will, memories, etc.). Unlike the Heartless, the Nobodies aren't mindless. They act with a purpose. While most appear as monsters, a select few can retain a human form.

Naminé tells Roxas that she's going to need to kill him, kind of.

He won't really DIE, while ROXAS will cease to exist, Roxas was always a part of SORA, so it's more like he'll be COMPLETED than KILLED.

Roxas, the ever-likable character that he is, bitches about this.

"That's a lie! My heart belongs to ME!"

Whiny little twat....

DiZ shows up, drags Naminé away, and tells Roxas to meet him in the basement.

On his way Roxas has a fight with Axel, in which he pulls out TWO Keyblades.

Roxas wins and they have their little bromance moment.

Axel: Let's meet again in the next life.

Roxas: I'll be waiting.

Axel: Heh, moron. Just because YOU have a next life....

Axel then leaves. He is NOT dead yet.

Roxas moves into the room with Sora's stasis pod.

DiZ shows up again, acts like a dick, then leaves Roxas alone with Sora.

We get the one good line we will ever get from Roxas.

"You're lucky, Sora. It looks like my summer vacation is.... over."

And then we.... get the title card?

I've been playing this game for THREE HOURS. Did you think I'd forget what I was playing?!

Whatever. The lameness is over. Let the awesome begin!

Sora wakes up along with Donald and Goofy and, fortunately for them, they can't remember Chain of Memories. Only one note tells them anything about what happened after KH1.

"Thank Naminé"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. MOVING ON.

In the middle of Twilight Town and not having any idea where to go. They head to the train station.

They're beset upon by a group of lesser Nobodies. The guys in white from before. The horde is too big for them (oh man, you don't know how funny that IS yet) and they get tired out. They are saved by.....

"Oh Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Mickey!
Hey Mickey!"

Yes! Mickey shows up wielding a Keyblade of his own. He dispatches the Heartless with ease and tells Sora to board the weird looking train.

"We'll catch up later. The train knows the way."

The trio get on the train and it speeds them toward a mysterious tower in the World Ether.

Outside of the tower is our main Disney threat for the game.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Pete

You probably don't know this guy's NAME, but I'm sure you've seen him before.

You know that big guy who acts as Mickey's Elmer Fudd? The captain from Steamboat Willie? The neighbor from the Goof Troop? That's Pete.

Pete used to work for Mickey, but, due to the fact that he was an ASSHOLE, was banished. He met up with Maleficent and took his natural place as her lackey.

Why didn't we meet Pete in the first game, you ask?

I like to think it's because Pete is so blisteringly incompetent Maleficent put him out of the way until she felt like she had no other choice.

I LOVE this guy as a villain. There is going to be an awful lot of heavy stuff coming up, so it's nice to beat on brainless muscle for laughs.

Pete is here to turn the master of the tower, Yen Sid, into a Heartless.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Master Yen Sid

Another Disney character I bet you didn't know had a name! He's the title sorcerer in The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Pete has no knowledge of Maleficent's demise from KH1. When he's told about this he throws Heartless at Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

After being given a thorough trouncing, Pete runs off, leaving the trio to explore the tower.

When they meet up with Yen Sid, he explains that he TOO was once a Keyblade wielder. As a matter of fact, he trained Mickey.

Something you're going to have to accept, even though the plot threw it whizzing past your head: There is, yes, more than ONE Keyblade.

As a matter of fact, by the end of this game, four of our main characters will be Keyblade users.

Yen Sid explains to Sora about the Nobodies......

Sigh.....

And it's right here that I have my one, and only ONE, major issue with the game.

This line:

"Nobodies do not TRULY exist at all."

..........

What?

That is the single stupidest thing I've ever heard.... anywhere!!! What the f$&k was kicking my ass back at the Train Station, Yen Sid?! The WIND?!

Before I go on with this rant, and I will in a moment, the definition you've all been waiting for.

Yen Sid also explains about the Nobody chain of command.

Organization XIII: A cult of thirteen powerful Nobodies. They control the lesser Nobodies. Each member has a unique power and weapon. Their names are constructed by taking the name they had BEFORE their Heart was taken, adding an X to it, then anagramming the whole shmeggegle.

Come up with your own Organization XIII name at home! I came up with Xorggrye for me, Thwextam for my brother, and Rixoana for my mother! I have too much spare time.

But this leads me back to my rant.

If these guys are Nobodies, and therefore they don't exist......

Can we go home?

Obviously there is no threat, because there is no Organization so..... are we done? Hooray stalwart heroes of the land?

I can understand that they aren't HUMAN, but to say that when something doesn't have a soul, it isn't REAL?

That doesn't follow!

So you're saying if I go and burn down Town Hall, they can't prosecute me because there was never a Town Hall?

"What smoldering remains of a Mercedes I just threw six live grenades into? There was never anything there! I had absolutely nothing in my hand! There is no ground!"

This isn't a nitpick either. "Non-existence" is a constant theme in this game. It's mentioned SEVERAL times.

I still LOVE this game, but that always bothered me.

Anyway, now that Sora, Donald and Goofy understand their new mission, Yen Sid gives them two parting gifts.

One is a magical set of clothing made for Sora. It has the power to fuse with one or more of his friends and power Sora up.

Welcome to the Drive mechanic! One of my favorite things about this game.

The suit starts out mostly black. The first form you can shift into is called "Valor," you do this by fusing with Goofy. The clothes become bright red and you are now wielding two Keyblades. It also hugely increases your attack power.

By fusing with Donald you get "Wisdom" form. The clothes become electric blue, you slide around like you're on roller-skates, and can shoot magic bullets out of the Keyblade. This increases your magic abilities.

Fusion with both will get you "Master" form. The clothes turn gold and you get all of the bonuses listed above.

These forms only last for a limited time. Try to push it PAST that time, or use them too often, and you take on "Anti" form. A Heartless Sora that DOUBLES your attack and speed but HALVES your defense.

USE THIS MECHANIC DURING BOSS FIGHTS ONLY. Anti Form LOOKS cool, but it will screw you HARD if you transform into it during a fight with an Organization member.

Anyway, Yen Sid's second gift is the Gummi Ship and a hearty "Get the f$&k out."

When they leave, a raven appears at the window of the tower. It drops a black gown on the floor.

The gown slowly rises.

Maleficent has returned.

Sora returns to Hollow Bastion (which has become a normal town since the end of the last game) and runs into Leon and company.

Leon tells them that they have Hollow Bastion mostly under control, except for around the castle.

There is a FIELD of Heartless around the place. They've managed to keep it CONTAINED, but they can't get in.

There's also Nobody activity, as is made clear when the remaining members of the Organization show up to taunt Sora. (For those of you keeping score, with five dead at Castle Oblivion, and Roxas dead at the beginning of THIS game, that leaves SEVEN members left.) They all have their hoods up so no names for right now.

They twist their curly mustaches and leave, but one member stays behind to taunt Sora some more.

And then he says something curious.

"That's right! He used to give me the exact same look!"

He leaves and Sora, Donald and Goofy go on to clear a path into the castle.

Leon and co. set up base in the castle postern, and bid farewell to the trio.

Okay.... That was the first four hours...... Of a fifty hour game........ And this is already the longest post I've ever written.

Alright! Let's get to summarizing!

Sora does his thing, in Disney Worlds having occasional run-ins with Pete and Organization.

Before we move on, I want to talk about the boss fights.

I have never seen boss battles done more perfectly in ANY video game. KH was always good at bringing the epic, but this game goes above and beyond the call of awesome.

Here's an example, do you remember the ballroom from Beauty and the Beast?

It was in every trailer. Belle's in that yellow dress. Beast's in that RIDICULOUS suit. "Song as old as time, Beauty and the Beast..."

In this game you fight THE BALLROOM.

A Heartless possesses the ENTIRE BALLROOM. It becomes hostile, and you have to kill it.

How do you think that would've gone down in the movie?

"Song as old as time, Beauty and the-OH GOD!!!!!"

Back on the Islands (remember? The Islands? From KH1?) Kairi is tired of waiting for Sora and Riku to come home.

A portal shows up on the beach next to her. She decides that she don't wanna be like Cinderella (sitting in a dank cold dusty cellar) and she's going to see where this leads.

Before she can do that Axel appears out of it, and tries to kidnap her.

"You and I are alike Kairi. We both miss someone we care about."

In one of the best moments in the series, Kairi tells Axel to go f$&k himself and runs off into a second portal that seems to appear specifically for her escape.

Axel finally catches up with her and manages to capture her.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy head back to Twilight Town. There they meet up with a member of the Organization.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Saïx

Saïx is the Organization's second in command. He has a very erudite, calm, and CRUEL demeanor.

Saïx tells Sora that Axel has Kairi. He ALSO says that Axel has gone AWOL. What he's doing isn't in the Organization's best interest, and he'll stop at nothing to turn Sora into a Heartless.

Saïx gives one more piece of advice before leaving:

"You just keep slaying those Heartless."

After leaving Twilight Town they discover that Hollow Bastion is covered in Darkness and go to investigate.

Leon has found Ansem's computer. It was behind a secret door in his study.

They go to investigate, but are interrupted by a familiar face.

"Hi fellas!"

Mickey has shown up to see what all the Darkness around the city was about. Sora tells him about Ansem's computer and Mickey has a curious response.

Mickey: Oh! So maybe you can tell me where he is!

Sora: What?! Your Majesty, we defeated Ansem, remember?

Mickey: Gosh, I guess I have some 'splaining to do.

They can't hear it now, however, they're called away to the computer.

They have to fix the computer.

They go INSIDE the computer.

^_^

After the Tron level, (far and away my FAVORITE level in the game, if you couldn't tell from my URL, this blog's name, and my net handle, I love Tron) a curious image appears on the screen of someone they have never seen before.

Mickey sees it and instantly names the figure.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Ansem the Wise.

Confused? So were we all. Allow Mickey to explain.

"That fella you boys defeated wasn't the REAL Ansem, he just went around tellin' everybody that he was."

Still confused? It'll make sense in a bit.

Mickey also says that the Nobody that was created when whoever this guy was was turned into a Heartless is the leader of Organization XIII.

Leon bursts in and says that the Heartless have gone wild, and they're engaging in battle with the Organization.

Sora heads out there, and TRUE EPICNESS ENSUES.

Sora has his first duel with an Organization member. Demyx. You don't need to remember his name but the fight is all kinds of awesome.

Demyx's superpower is hydrokenesis, and his weapon...... well he CALLS it a "Sitar" but it LOOKS like a bass guitar and makes organ noises.

All I know for sure is that it HURTS.

This is the hardest boss fight in the game so far. As it should be. Demyx is very good at filling the entire arena with PAIN.

After the fight another member of the Organization appears to kill Goofy.

Testament to how good the directing is: I was fooled for a good 10 seconds before logic kicked in.

"They'll pay for this."

Guess who said that. Go on, guess.

Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse stoically looks at the body of his dead friend, says "They'll pay for this," whips out a Keyblade, and then dives into a fierce melee killing everything that comes within ten feet of him.

I don't.... I can't...... I mean......

There are no words. This is the most awesome thing that has EVER happened.

After that it is ON. Sora and Donald go berserk. The party screams into battle hacking down everything that comes in sight.

This sequence is AMAZING. It's an example of gameplay mixing with story in the best way. YOU'RE as pissed off as Sora is.

Of course, Goofy's fine.

"Gee Donald, I've been bumped on the head lots of times."

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mickey head back out to the battle......

And come face to face with the embodiment of their fears.

Mickey finally recognizes him.... Well who he ONCE was

MOST IMPORTANT NAME IN ALL OF KINGDOM HEARTS:
Xehanort

Ansem the Wise had six apprentices. The number 1, Xehanort, wanted to do experiments on the nature of the Heart. Specifically it's reactions to darkness.

Ansem the Wise constantly held Xehanort back. Xehanort became resentful and eventually went mad. Saying that "Ansem" was a name worthy of too much respect for a man with no vision

He adopted the name for himself.

The Organization's leader smiles softly at being called Xehanort.

"How long has it been since I abandoned that name?"

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Xemnas

And that........ was the halfway point of the game.

........

So listen guys, I'm going to cut this off here. This post is ALREADY running long and I have a lot more to talk about.

TO BE CONTINUED

I'll see you guys on Tuesday.

KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

"A scattered dream that's like a far off memory.....

Or a far off memory that's like a scattered dream?

I want to line the pieces up....

Yours, and mine."

CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS PART OF A RETROSPECTIVE. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS REVIEW PLEASE READ THE TWO OTHER POSTS THAT CAME BEFORE IT.

**Editor's note**
The following review contains screaming and some pretty strong f$&king language

Reader discretion is advised.
******************

Oh god.......

I.... I don't like this game.

I kinda hate it...

A lot.

Some of you may be wondering why, since I like Kingdom Hearts, and KH2 is my favorite video game of all time, Kingdom Hearts isn't my favorite game SERIES.

..... Well....

It holds a lofty third place (behind Pokémon and Ace Attorney). It would be higher, but it has a slight problem.

I can sum up this problem in two words. "Bridge Titles."

What is a bridge title? A bridge title is a shorter installment in a series that comes BETWEEN main installments, specifically to set the characters in their proper places for the next main game.

Kingdom Hearts has had two main installments.

There are SEVEN games in the series.

The bridge games range from very, very good (Dream Drop Distance), to the virtually unplayable.

Two of these games are on my top ten most HATED games list.

And this one.....

This one is higher than the other one.

While the other one was a complete waste of my time story-wise, at least I could entertain myself with the combat.

This thing..... Ugh. Let's get this over with.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy are wandering through.... somewhere.

Actually, this is a good question. Where the hell ARE they?

They ended the last game on the precipice of the Door to Darkness. THIS game, they're wandering through a grassy field.

What World is this? Is this still Hollow Bastion? How did they GET here? What direction are they headed?

Ugh. They're looking for Riku and Mickey, when they run into Pluto.

Okay, WHAT?!

How? Pluto was, yes, in the last game. He came to Traverse Town with Donald and Goofy. I didn't mention him because he had no effect on the plot, and then he f$&ked off.

So is this the same World as Traverse Town? I doubt it, since Traverse Town is a pocket dimension consisting of ONLY the town. So how did Pluto get here? Where is here?

Oh my god, we're two minutes into the opening cinematic and I already I have enough to bitch about for HOURS. We have to move on. If I point out all the plot holes, we'll be here all month.

In Pluto's mouth is a letter bearing King Mickey's royal seal.

HOW THE F---- *punches own face* Moving on!

Pluto runs off with the letter. The trio give chase until....

They decide to stop.

Yeah, the next cut has Sora and company camping for the night, and Pluto is nowhere to be seen.

Well, that was five minutes of life I'm not getting back. HAVE A POINT!

During the night Sora hears a voice. He goes to investigate and is accosted by the Armani Grim Reaper.

I actually really like the outfit this guy is wearing. He's clad all in black. Hooded black trench coat. Black gloves. Black boots. Black pants.

You're going to be seeing a LOT of this outfit, so keep it in mind. Everyone in this villain group wears it.

Anyhow, Armani leads the trio to a great big castle. Within the castle he explains to Sora how the castle works.

Definition time. Hoo-freaking-ray.

Castle Oblivion: A fortress that alters the memories of all who enter. Is controlled by (oh f$&k me) magic cards.

Welcome to your unnecessary gameplay change! Or, as I like to call it, THE COMBAT SYSTEM FROM THE BOWELS OF HADES.

You see, everything in Castle Oblivion is controlled by cards. Attacks are cards. Magic is cards. The Worlds are cards. Donald and Goofy are cards. Friendship is cards. EVERYTHING IS CARDS!!!

And it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

It sucks so bad. Not because it's hard to figure out, but because it makes the entire game boring as spit.

Each card has a point value ranging from 0 to 9. Any card labeled 0 trumps anything your opponent can play.

So as soon as I could I filled my deck to the brim with 0 cards.

Just keep pressing the A button. Over and over again. No matter what the enemy does you need do nothing to dodge it. Just keep pressing A, and you will win without even trying. Game's broken!

Why did they do this? The combat in the first game was fine. Why change it?

Oh... Oh right.

This was a Game Boy Advance game.

The first game was on the Playstation 2 (probably the best VG system ever made), and since this is a Bridge, it doesn't get a roomy console release, it gets shunted to a handheld.

Hey, I LIKE handheld systems. I'm probably better with THEM than I am with platform consoles.

I'm just asking for better combat than this ridiculous easily broken pile of horsesh!t.

There are other combat systems you could have gone with, like the one in Summon Night: Swordcraft Story a (far superior) game for the same system! Why make it this ridiculous card game?

Ugh, anyway, that was the mess of gameplay, let's get back to the mess of a plot.

The guy in the coat tosses Sora a World Card and... SON OF A BITCH!

World Card: The levels in this abortion of a game. Changes one floor of the castle into a World Sora has encountered in the past. Made from Sora's memories.

Moving on!

It is a Card of Traverse Town, so you repeat the Traverse Town level from the first game.

So I'm playing KH1, but with crap gameplay and graphics. Good to know.

Ugh. So after you're done with that, Armani Grim Reaper shows up to "test" Sora, but he is interrupted by one of his coworkers.

He has his hood down. So we can see his face, and he gives his name.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Axel

His name is Axel. Get it memorized.

Did you like the phrase "Got it memorized?" No? Well too bad! Axel will only be repeating it a THOUSAND times.

He will say it whenever he imparts information. And guess who you're getting MOST of your exposition from for the next few games?

This catchphrase is going to throw you in a corner and beat you like it's Chris Brown on an average Wednesday.

The thing is, I LIKE Axel. He's got a really cool fighting style. He has these two Chakrams (a wagon wheel with spikes on) and he's pyrokenetic. It leads to a lot of things exploding, which is always good.

And he is the ONLY villain to make it out of this game alive.

So Sora fights Axel and wins. Axel throws Sora some more World Cards and pimps away.

Sora's go through the Levels from the first game, and you get background on the villains of this game.

Armani Grim Reaper takes off his hood and we get HIS name.

NAME YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT NEED TO REMEMBER:
Marluxia

I cannot describe how non threatening this guy is, and how stupid his powerset is.

His weapon is a big red Scythe. Okay, pretty cool. His super power?

With every swing of his scythe, roses grow.

That.... That is the single.... GIRLIEST thing I can think of!

It's not like menacing overtaking thorns. No, no, no. It's pretty flowers. That is the most useless powerset next to Aquaman in the Super Friends!

It doesn't help that he has pink hair and looks like Cyndi Lauper.

You know what? that's his name now. I don't respect him enough to use his real one.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Cyndi Lauper

We get background on Cyndi's henchmen, as well.

NAME YOU CAN REMEMBER IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT:
Larxene

She uses daggers. She wields electricity. She's a complete bitch. She isn't even going to last ten more paragraphs. Moving on.

It turns out that they are working for a mysterious Organization XIII, and, no, I'm not giving you a definition yet because you will have no idea what I'm talking about until the next game.

Cyndi is NOT the leader of this Organization. He's not even on the chain of command. He WANTS to be. The reason he's brought Sora here is to kill him, take the Keyblade, and seize control of the Organization.

So, let me get this straight. The villain for the first game was a Heartless who had complete control over all the forces of Darkness. He ended Worlds with a THOUGHT. His primary superpower was crushing blackness. His primary weapon was a demon he threw at people.....

And in THIS game we get a punk ass errand boy who fights with roses and isn't even in charge of this operation, let alone the Organization he WORKS for, rebelling against a group of villains we haven't MET yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm invested.

Meanwhile, Sora is losing his memories of his first adventure. Donald points out that, even though they have lost a LOT of memories, they haven't forgotten each other yet. Goofy reasons that it's because they're friends, their Hearts are connected, and NOTHING can break that bond.

Keep this in mind, I'm going to bitch about it later.

Sora fights and kills Larxene (five paragraphs, sorry to those of you who bet the over), and Cyndi shows up to give Sora some more World Cards.

He also has someone by his side.

RIKU!!!! (DAH DAH DUUUUUUUUUUUNH)

It's not really f$&king Riku, okay? It's a Heartless that was given Riku's memories. It's a non twist. Moving on.

Cyndi Lauper finally explains how he's doing all this. He's using the powers of a witch girl the Organization has been keeping prisoner.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Naminé

I STILL have no idea what her deal is. I've replayed this game over TEN times and I still have no idea what she is, or where she came from.

She's not a heartless, but she is DEFINITELY not human. Something about her being a construct made from Sora's memories of Kairi, or something?

Whatever, under threat of death, she is erasing Sora's memories one by one

Including his memories of Kairi. Using the good luck charm Kairi gave him in the first game, Naminé has replaced Kairi in Sora's Heart and memories.

F$&K. YOU. GAME.

So wait. Sora remembers the duck and the dog he met not SIX MONTHS AGO because his Heart is "tied" to them..... but a random knickknack can make him forget the girl he's been in love with since he was FIVE?!

Okay, two things I need to get out of the way before I have my little aneurysm:

1) Yes. I know the significance of the charm. It is a symbol of the unspoken oath between Sora and Kairi, the promise that Sora will come back from the journey alive.

Since it acts as a Keychain, and turns the Keyblade into a form called "Oathkeeper" this is fairly obvious.

2) Yes. I know that Sora, Donald, and Goofy are supposed to have gotten incredibly close in the time they spent together.

That out of the way, THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Oh yeah, we're passed fucking bleeps at this point. I have never been more pissed off at a video game than I am right now.

You mean to tell me that the only thing "tying" Sora's heart to Kairi's was an oath that was made ten years after they met?

You're saying that a deathless love, a love that managed to transform Sora back into a human when he was turned into a Heartless, a love that pushed Sora to ponce around the ENTIRE MULTIVERSE LOOKING FOR KAIRI, can be completely rewritten because of a magic charm bracelet?!?!

GO. FUCK. YOUR. SELVES.

This is where the game moved from simply boring, incompetent and lame, and straight on into insulting.

Good God, let's get this over with.

A senior in the Organization (the one who created the Riku Replica) stops by to inspect Cyndi's work at Castle Oblivion.

NAME YOU NEED TO-OH FUCK THIS:
Vexen

Vexen fights with a Shield, has ice powers, has a voice like Yoko Ono in a meat grinder, is a mad scientist, and is going to die faster than Larxene did.

Vexen swiftly joins Cyndi's rebellion. Then even MORE swiftly, starts plotting to take OVER the rebellion.

In one of TWO levels that aren't retreads of the first game, Sora gains a new World Card for a place called Twilight Town.

This place is made out of memories that "Belong" to Sora, even though Sora himself has never been there. (I'll get to it next time.)

Vexen shows up and fights Sora, gets his ass handed to him.

Vexen tries to run away but is killed by Axel.

Axel tells Sora how to get through to the Riku Replica. He also says that it would save him a lot of time if Sora could kill Cyndi Lauper for him.

You see, Axel is a double agent working for Organization XIII's higher ups. They caught on to Cyndi's planned coup d'état because APPARENTLY Cyndi is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the nads.

Sora talks the Riku Replica into killing itself (thank you for that plot cul de sac, game), and goes up to fight Cyndi Lauper and rescue Kai- I mean Naminé.

Two boring as hell boss fights later, we get to the ending cinematic.

Naminé explains everything that happened and that she intends to put it right. Since she's spent the majority of the game fucking around in Sora's brain, she's going to need time to find the pieces and put them back together.

She's starting with Kairi.

There are, however, two catches:

1) He's going to be in a sort of stasis for a year while she's working.

2) Sora will forget everything that happened here, and about her.

Sora doesn't immediately jump at the chance to forget this game ever happened, like I would, and instead writes himself a note. It consists of two words:

"Thank Naminé"

Yes. Thank you! Thank you for doing nothing but cleaning up the mess that YOU made! Thank you for being a spineless wimp who does things that she KNOWS are wrong because she thinks that she might get hurt! Thank you for being a massive yawning plot chasm that could not be explained with the combined powers of Sigmund Freud and Albert Einstein! Thank you so FUCKING much!

Crap. I'm only two thirds of the way done.

Okay. So Riku (the real Riku) wakes up in Castle Oblivion's basement.

Yes. There are TWO PLOT CAMPAIGNS in this game. You unlock Riku's after you beat Sora's.

Thankfully Riku's is FAR less stupid and much MUCH shorter.

Mickey apparently warped Riku out of the realm of Darkness after the end of the last game, but then lost track of him. He was sucked in to the castle by an unknown force.

Mickey is able to astrally project himself to Riku. So they keep in contact throughout his campaign.

Riku runs into what he thinks is Ansem, but is actually Christopher Lee in a mummy mask.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
DiZ

Not getting into HIS full deal until the next post.

I'm not kidding ether, this guy is voiced by Saruman.

Anyway, DiZ points out to Riku that Darkness doesn't HAVE to be used for evil, and that using the Darkness AGAINST evil could be his greatest strength.

Mickey says that it's a bad idea, considering what happened last time.

Riku says he'll think about it and moves down the castle's basement floors. Along the way he offs TWO MORE Organization XIII members.

AT THIS POINT I AM GIVING YOU THE NAMES OF ORGANIZATION MEMBERS SO YOU CAN NUMBER THE DEAD:
Lexeus
Zexion

When he gets to the bottom floor he tells DiZ that whatever choice he makes, he needs to at least CONTROL the Darkness within himself.

DiZ conjures up a Manifestation of the darkness within him (Ansem) you have your final boss fight and you pack this shit in.

So yeah, in conclusion, fuck this game.

The Riku plotline is semi-bearable but everything else in this game is a COMPLETE mess. The gameplay is boring. The villain is non-threatening. The levels are 99 cent retreads of the first game. And the plot is as tangled and impenetrable as a granite octopus.

I was CONVINCED this was the end of the series as far as I was concerned.

I was CONVINCED that they couldn't make it back from this deficit.

I was very, VERY wrong.

Join me next time for the CONCLUSION of the Kingdom Hearts Retrospective.

The true motives of Organization XIII.

The true origins of Ansem, Seeker of Darkness.

A new threat, even more dangerous than the Heartless.

And my favorite video game of all time.

NEXT TIME ON THE KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: KINGDOM HEARTS 2

*Squee* Until next time!

KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: Kingdom Hearts

"I know now... Beyond a shadow of a doubt....

Kingdom Hearts is LIGHT!"

CAUTION: READ THE PROLOGUE POST BEFORE YOU READ THIS. OTHERWISE YOUR BRAIN MAY EXPLODE

So in replaying these games, examining the plot, and taking notes for this retrospective, I got a new appreciation for how BATSH*T INSANE these games are.

I first got this game in 2005 around the time the second game came out. I was eleven, it made PERFECT sense to me then!

What? Shadow demons, giant key, guy with white hair, then there's Mickey Mouse. What?!

I still say that these games make sense. It just TAKES a while to get to the sense with all this CRAZY.

Brace yourselves, people, we're about to enter the labyrinth.

This is Kingdom Hearts.

The game starts out with a long and confusing opening cinematic, accompanied by an insipid J-Pop song I can't remove from my head with a serving spork.

The tutorial showing how our game works is actually very cool. Our protagonist, Sora, is having a dream where he is put into a world of stained glass.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Sora

Since he is the main protagonist of the whole damn series, I'd make a mental note of his name.

He's standing on murals of Disney princesses as a disembodied voice is guiding him.

While in this dream, he has encounters with mysterious shadow monsters.

After fighting one HUGE one at the end, Sora awakens to the face of his crush Kairi.

His best friend Riku soon joins them.

NAMES YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Riku
Kairi

These two are VERY important to the story of this game, and all subsequent games in the series.

Kairi is kind, funny, supportive, and probably one of my favorite female characters in video games.

Riku is an idiot (I'll get to why in a minute).

The three of them live on a group of islands that are cut off from the outside world.

Their dream has always been to leave the islands and see any new worlds that may lie beyond. They have been building a raft to accomplish that goal.

Smash cut to the Magic Kingdom where Donald Duck is walking through the halls dressed as a wizard.

*CRACK* Ah! Son of a-- God DAMN it game! You can't DO that! You just gave me whiplash!

Donald is a Court Wizard. He is going to deliver a message to his King (I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count), when he discovers that the King is missing.

There is a note left in his place warning Donald that the stars have been going out one by one.

The worlds are being consumed by Darkness.

Definition time!

World: In this game this can be simplified to "the setting of a Disney movie." The Worlds are different dimensions floating in this big cosmic ether.

The letter goes on to instruct Donald to find a man named Leon, he'll explain what's going on.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Leon

Also, somewhere in the Worlds, there is a "Key." Donald has to find who ever has it, and no matter what STICK WITH HIM.

Also, if Donald could apologize to Minnie for him? I mean he left without saying where he was going....

Donald goes to warn the captain of the royal guard, Goofy.

Goofy and Donald are sent into the Ether in their dimension hopping Gummi Ship.

Yay! Definition time again!

Gummi Ship: A dimension hopping vessel made out of a gelatinous material.

I love these games.

Back on the islands, Sora begins collecting provisions for the trip. In a small cave, he comes across a mysterious figure clad in a brown robe.

The robed figure is speaking in riddles, saying that this World has been connected, tied to the darkness.

The figure makes sure to antagonize Sora before he leaves.

"One who knows nothing can understand nothing.

"You understand NOTHING."

That night a storm whips up. Worried about the raft, Sora storms out to check on it.

And he encounters the same shadow beings he met in his dream.

He tries to fight them off, but to no avail. He runs off to Riku and Kairi.

He finds Riku staring at the sky, a look of mad desire in his eyes.

"This is our way out, Sora! I'm not afraid of the darkness!"

He offers Sora his hand before he is engulfed in shadows.

Sora is about to be so enveloped, until a mysterious weapon appears in his hand.

A disembodied voice speaks only one word. Keyblade.

Keyblade: A sword shaped like a giant ornate key. Forged to battle the darkness. Can open any lock. Special "Keychains" are used to change its form and power.

Riku has disappeared. Sora desperately goes to find Kairi.

She's in a trance. She soon disappears in the same haze that claimed Riku.

The Islands are soon engulfed in darkness.

Donald and Goofy are walking through Traverse Town (another world) and look up at the sky. They see a star go out.

I LOVE the direction of this scene. It does such a great job of putting this (let's face it) RIDICULOUS premise in such a light that, not only am I ACCEPTING it, I'm INTERESTED.

The stakes are set, and set HIGH. UNIVERSES are coming to an end.

Sora wakes up in Traverse Town as well.

..... Okaaaay. How?

Seriously? How did he get there?! This is NEVER explained! Ever! He was on the island, the island exploded, now he's in a town that looks like something out of Victorian England. What?!

Ugh. Okay.

Sora runs into Leon. (Remember Leon?) Leon explains the Keyblade to him. He also explains the shadow creatures.

Heartless: When someone fully surrenders his or her Heart to Darkness, he or she will become a mindless creature of shadows. They come in different varieties. Their goal is simply to multiply. To bring every Heart screaming into the dark.

Hey! Leon is actually Squall Leonheart from FFVIII! And....

And I KNOW that voice....

Hang on a sec....

DAVID BOREANAZ?!?!

David Boreanaz? Really? Angel? Booth from Bones? THAT David Boreanaz?

I think I recognize Sora's voice too....
HALEY JOEL OSMENT?!?!

Okay I have to get the f$&k off this IMDB page before my brain leaks out my ears.

Leon also tells Sora, (and other FF characters explain to Donald and Goofy) that Traverse Town is a world that is a refuge for citizens of Worlds that have been consumed by the Heartless.

They explain that they used to live on a different world, under the care of their leader Ansem.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Ansem

Burn that name into your corneas. He's NEVER going to go away.

Ansem, under the request of The King, left his Home World to write a report on the Heartless.

Without his protection, the Heartless managed to take his Home World, under the command of (drumroll please)

MALEFICENT!

Yes! Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty is one of the MAIN Villains of this game, and DAMN can she carry it off.

She's actually leading a Cabal of Disney villains, including.

Captain Hook from Peter Pan (Whatever.)

Jafar from Aladdin (HELL yes!)

Ursula from The Little Mermaid (She WAS the best part of that movie....)

Hades from Hercules (I liked this movie better than a lot of people did, so I'm glad to see it represented.)

Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas (Didn't even know this was a Disney movie, but AWESOME.)

During a battle Sora, Donald and Goofy meet up, and a friendship is forged as strong as steel.

The trinity go out in the Gummi Ship to save the world from darkness.

And that..... Was the first three hours of a 30 hour game.

Okay I've got to speed this up.

Luckily I can describe the middle of the game in only a few paragraphs.

The trio go to different Worlds (the setting of each Disney movie mentioned, plus a few others) taking out the Heartless and each member of the Cabal one by one. Each one of them giving an AMAZING boss fight, by the way.

Meanwhile, Maleficent has Riku and Kairi. Kairi is in a coma (for.... reasons, something to do with her Heart being missing) and Maleficent is twisting Riku to Darkness, telling him that Sora is responsible for Kairi's condition.

Riku is sent to capture the Disney Princesses. Keep in mind, this was made in 2002. There were only FIVE legit princesses at the time, and (for reasons I'll get into later) they needed SEVEN. So they had to fill in two spots.

One of them is Kairi (no sh*t) the other... was Alice.

Yes. THAT Alice. Alice in Wonderland Alice.

Sora also keeps coming across pieces of Ansem's Report. And they're....... manic to say the very least. You can tell he's slowly losing it as you read them.

The last two are REALLY damn creepy.

There we go. That cleared up a good 22 hours of game! So let's get to the end.

After Sora beats the crap out of every childhood bad guy you've ever known, he gets to one of the best final stages in gaming history

Hollow Bastion.

I cannot express how much I LOVE this level. Hollow Bastion is Ansem's Home World. It's a huge castle, with this whole magic clockwork thing going on. It's awesome!


Riku confronts Sora outside of the castle.

I should take a moment to explain the difference between these two characters.

Sora is very happy-go-lucky, almost goofy. A lot of the time he doesn't appear to be taking the things that happen to him seriously, but he has a STRONG sense of right and wrong. I'll get to the apex of that in a moment.

Riku.... is a moron.

Okay, okay, I'm not being fair. I actually really like his character arc, and by the end of KH2 I actually end up liking HIM.......

But sweet GOD does he suck in this game!

If you'll recall, the dude sold his soul to Satan because the weather got choppy. That has to pole-vault him into the VG Douchebag Hall of Fame.

Anyway, Riku steals the Keyblade and takes the time to remind Donald and Goofy that they were supposed to stick with the guy with the key.

So prepare to spend the next half an hour unequipped and alone. Enjoy!

When you finally reach Riku, we get one of the best scenes in the game.

Riku proceeds to kick Sora's ass up and down the castle. Just as he is about to deliver the final blow he is blocked....

by Goofy.

Riku: You'd betray your king!

Goofy: Not on your life! But I'm not gonna betray Sora either. Gawrsh, we've become real good friends with all we've been through together.

Sora; Goofy....

Goofy: See you later, Donald! Will you tell the King I'm really sorry?

Donald: Wait Goofy! We'll tell him together.

Rushing to Sora's aid, Donald and Goofy fill him with a newfound power. The Keyblade returns to his hands.

Have fun giving Riku a DESPERATELY deserved ass kicking.

After defeating Riku, you come across Maleficent and she explains what she's been up to.

She has been collecting "The Seven Princesses of Purest Heart." (Snow White, Aurora, Cinderella, Jasmine, Ariel, Alice, and Kairi) Stealing their souls is the only way to open the Door to Darkness.

Door to Darkness: Portal to hell. Also walls off the mystical Kingdom Hearts.

......... Sigh.......

Kingdom Hearts: The source of the power within every Heart. The soul of all Worlds.

Everybody got that? Okay! Moving on.

Apparently when the Islands (remember the Islands?) were destroyed, Kairi's heart sort of..... hitched a ride with Sora's.

And again.... How? How did she do this? She didn't even know what a Heart was before she slipped into a coma so...

Anyway, Sora fights Maleficent. The fight, however, is interrupted...

by Riku.

Riku has taken an incredibly monstrous form. He almost looks like a Heartless.

He appears to be speaking in two voices.

He powers up Maleficent. She turns into the Dragon from the end of the movie. A truly epic, and damn near IMPOSSIBLE boss fight ensues.

After Maleficent is defeated, Riku confronts Sora, wielding a Keyblade of his own.

Riku says that THIS Keyblade is forged out of Darkness and is meant to steal Hearts.

Sora finally comes to his senses.

Sora: You're not Riku! Who are you?

Ansem: My name is Ansem, Seeker of Darkness.

.......

Okay, you saw this coming.

If you didn't see this coming READING this, you did if you were playing.

So yeah, apparently when Ansem was writing the report on the Heartless, he sort of.... BECAME one. The most powerful one.


He's had control of them since the beginning. He's been manipulating Maleficent from the start.

Riku's true nature takes over for one shining moment. He throws Sora the black Keyblade, and tells him to get Kairi out of there while there is still time.

Sora runs out with Kairi in his arms.

Knowing that Kairi's Heart is still inside of him, Sora stabs himself with the black Keyblade. This frees Kairi's soul...

But turns HIMSELF into a Heartless.

REMEMBER THAT THIS HAPPENED. This is one of the most important events in the series, and BOY is it going to lead to stupid.

Long story short, Kairi changes him BACK (how?) and gives Sora her charm bracelet.

"It's my lucky charm, be SURE to bring it back to me."

Sora, Donald, and Goofy go off to fight Ansem. Ansem says that the reason he's doing what he's doing is that he thinks that Darkness is the Heart's TRUE essence, blah blah blah, evil evil evil, philosophy philosophy philosophy.

I'm being unfair, as clichéd as his ideals ARE, Ansem is a really cool villain. He's got the last FOUR HOURS of gametime to be threatening, and he pulls it off big time.

He transforms Riku's body into his own (through magic or something) and.....

And he looks exactly like every other Final Fantasy villain since game VI.

It's COOL and everything, just unoriginal. Long white hair. Really tall. Deep tan. Stupid outfit.

Whatever. After THREE CONSECUTIVE HARD AS CRAP BOSS BATTLES, Ansem takes his final form---

HOLY CRAP THERE'S A SPACESHIP MADE OUT OF DEMONS GROWING OUT OF HIS BACK!

Uhhh.... Dude do you need me to pop that for you or.... You know what, never mind.

This final boss fight is HARD. Like full force of a Contra game hard.

So Sora beats Ansem. Ansem turns tail to the Door to Darkness. Sora chases him there.

Ansem believes that Kingdom Hearts is made of Darkness. So obviously it will give him a Power Boost, right?

Wrong!

Yes, Kingdom Hearts is Light. And (in one of the most hilarious defeats in gaming) it VAPORIZES Ansem.

The Door to Darkness is slowly opening, Sora, Donald, and Goofy rush to close it, lest the Heartless on the other side rush through.

Wait...... What happened to Kingdom Hearts?

It killed Ansem..... and then it just LEFT?

Why would you store the source of all goodness and light in HELL anyway? That's like storing your matches IN your ice cream!

Riku helps from the other side (how did he GET there, what in the f$&k?!), along with... another guardian angel.

"It's okay Sora, you can trust King Mickey."

Mickey tells Sora that this isn't goodbye. He and Riku will catch up eventually.

Riku tells Sora to make sure Kairi is safe.

The Heartless defeated and the Worlds restored, Sora bids farewell to Kairi and he, Donald and Goofy go off to find Riku and the King.

And.... that's Kingdom Hearts.

While I don't like it as much as 2, this did get me hooked on the series. I hope that you understood half of what I said. If you didn't stop now, it's only going to get weirder.

This game would've made my top ten favorite games list, if I didn't spend most of my time asking HOW. To be fair, usually what's happening is so awesome (or so BIZARRE) I don't think to ask the question until later.

Also, this was a flaw that was corrected in the next game.

So join me next time, for my favorite video game of all time!

Oh wait....

First I have to cover that, don't I? Crap.

Join me next time as I cover my LEAST favorite game in the series.

And one of my most hated games of all time.

NEXT ON THE KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: KINGDOM HEARTS: CHAIN OF MEMORIES

Uuuuuuuugh.

KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE Prologue

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately......

Like.... Is any of this REAL... or not?"

This is going to be an odd month for me.

You see, normally I don't spoil the plot, normally I try to keep most of the story out of it.....

Not this time.

On April 2nd I am planning on publishing a review of my favorite video game of all time, Kingdom Hearts 2.

I want to explain why I love it. The PROBLEM with this is that I really love the turns the plot takes....

And KH2 is part THREE of a long and complicated story.

So here's the deal, over the next few weeks I'm going to give you the entire plot up until this point, bit by bit, so you can understand why I love the game so much.

God help me.

The tale actually starts with two companies. As different as night and day.

One of them is Disney, you all know Disney. At least you should.

The other is Square Enix, a game company I have been familiar with since the late 90's. It is most famous for its increasingly inaccurately named Final Fantasy series. (Can't wait for game 15, Square.)

Game designer Tetsuya Naruma, a junior at Square Enix, and a big Disney fanatic, went up to his bosses and asked them:

Naruma: Hey, I've got an idea for a game! It's sort of a weird cross fanfiction between the Final Fantasy and the works of Disney!

Square: That sounds.... odd. But not an ALTOGETHER unprofitable sounding idea! You're going to need to talk to Disney Interactive, though. If they give the okay, go ahead.

Naruma: Okay!

And so brave little Tetsuya went to Disney Interactive to do what most people do in the creative world, beg for money.

Naruma: So that's my idea! With a modest budget I think I can make something REALLY fun. What do you guys think?

Disney: Sounds good, here is most of our annual budget.

Naruma: I shall take this pittance you have given me and.... THE WHO WHAT NOW?!?!

So yeah, with more money than he knew what to with he proceeded to make the first Kingdom Hearts game, and make it more epic that he ever thought possible.

This was the first of many things you need to understand before I review the games proper: This is a cross between Final Fantasy and the works of Disney.

So if I mention Squall from Final Fantasy VIII, and then mention Mickey Mouse (and I will) don't get confused.

I will be mentioning characters from Final Fantasies VI-X. Also Donald Duck, Goofy, Chip and Dale, and Maleficent.

Try your hardest to keep up, it may get confusing.

The next thing I need you to understand, "Hearts."

Whenever I use the term "Heart" I am talking about the human spirit. I am going to be using the term A LOT, so get that understood now.

Another big thing you'll have to remember, the running theme of Light and Darkness.

This can be simplified down to Good and Evil, but it's a little more.... complicated than that......

Darkness isn't just EVIL it's...... negativity? No, more like..... CRUSHING MELANCHOLY. It's every negative feeling you've ever had, given form as crushing blackness. So while it is icky to use, the power of Darkness can be used for good.

Light is the exact opposite, inherently POSITIVE, but still a tool. It can be used for evil.

So that's the BASICS of the series, how are the next few reviews going to WORK?

I've got a lot of catching up to do for you guys, so I'm going to keep gameplay discussion to a minimum.

I will take time out to talk about gameplay, but most of the next few reviews are going to be plot synopses.

These are a series of Hack and Slash RPGs. They have great character design, some of the best boss battles I've ever seen, and a gripping (if a bit silly) plot.

There is my absolute BARE BONES review of these games. If you guys came to me only for buying advice you can stop here. Pick up these games.

If you guys came here to be entertained, stick around.

I'm going to TRY to be funny. As much as I love this series, it IS the silliest damn thing I've ever seen. And, while I will always defend this as a very good story, it is very easy to make fun of.

You know! Like every episode of Star Trek! Ever.

There are going to be terms that need defining as I lay this out. I will do this like so:

MCC's second anniversary: Perhaps an enormous waste of time that the Master Control Cynic is using to kiss the ass of his favorite video game.

I shall also make note of important names you will need to keep track of.

NAME YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Dr. Spunky

The reasons I am doing this is three-fold:

1) Aforementioned ass-kissing.

2) In future, I will be reviewing MORE KH games, and I don't want to keep blowing past the plot.

3) I want you to understand why I hold KH2 in such high esteem. I put it at the top of my favorite games list all the time. (A list I should PUBLISH at some point....) As a critic, THIS is my best foot forward. This is the measuring stick by which I judge, not only all video games, but all SEQUELS as well. You are coming to ME for judgment on a certain type of entertainment. I want to show you why I KNOW I'm not steering you wrong.

The only way I can do this is by taking you back to the beginning.

So, join me next time, for the first part of our little retrospective

NEXT TIME ON THE KINGDOM HEARTS RETROSPECTIVE: KINGDOM HEARTS 1

Okay. Gotta gear up, it is going to get weird.

Civilization: Revolution

Hey, all you Bronies in the readership! Today we are going to learn about friendship!

You see I've spent the last couple of days playing Civilization: Revolution and (much like my favorite TV show) it has taught me much about how to treat my friends.

First, though, let me explain about the Civilization franchise.

The gameplay's sort of hard to describe, it's almost a virtual BOARD game. You pick which Civilization to play as (American, Egyptian, Roman, etc.), you play through four different ages (Ancient, Medieval, Industrial, Modern) and try to win in one of four different ways:

Cultural Victory: Build lots of museums, art galleries, churches and the like to attract historical figures to your civilization. Attract twenty of them and you get to build the United Nations.

..... And apparently HERE, it's good for something.

Scientific Victory: Up the technology of your civilization to the point of space flight.

Build a starship to fly to Alpha Centauri.

Economic Victory: Make $20,000

.......

Okay, what caused the massive deflation... And where can I GET some?

Domination Victory: Cry HAVOC.. And let slip the dogs of war!

Yeah, this one should be self explanatory.

Do one of those things, the game is over. Start again with a new map, as a new civilization.

Another thing that's very important is Diplomacy with other Civilizations! So let's get HARMONIOUS up in here!

Okay, let's get started!

Okay, I'll play as the Americans, I guess. Oh, my avatar is Abe Lincoln, that's cute.

Okay... Run around.... Build up some cities.... I wonder what victory I'm going to go for...

Hey look! It's Montezuma! He wants me to sign a peace treaty.

...... You know what? F$&k him!

We're going for a domination victory this time! HOO-Rah! U! S! A! U! S! A! U-

..........

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned, from my friend Montezuma, that when someone offers you his hand in friendship, you'd better take it. Lest said someone developed gunpowder before YOU did, and he proceeds to destroy any trace of your civilization, and salt the earth where it once stood.

Your faithful student,
Master Control Cynic

Yeah, so that didn't work out too well. Let me try that again.

I'll play as the EGYPTIANS this time. Ooh, I'm Cleopatra! Hot! Okay.....

I'm going for a scientific victory this time. I've always wanted to see what Space-Age Pharaohs would look like.

So I spent my time sending settlers to go around and build cities ad nauseum, also upgrading my technology as far as I could, and forming up a VERY LARGE standing army, just in case any of my neighbors got ideas.

Speaking of my neighbors, a lot of my funding for my science division came from trading with the other Civilizations on the map. So we became good friends.

Mostly.....

Genghis Kahn keeps bugging me about giving him tech I DON'T think he should have. He's been trying to kick Catherine the Great's ass since the beginning of the game. He wants some of my military tech to finish the job.

I'm.... I'm not going to do that. Catherine has been my main source of cash this whole time, mostly because she wanted cultural knowledge. I'm not going to screw her over cause YOU have a bone to pick!

.....

Hold on.

Dear Princess Celestia

Sometimes it's hard when two of your friends aren't getting along. I've learned that it's best not to get involved in those kinds of fights. It's best to let them work it out for themselves.

After all, no one should be forced to choose between two good friends.

Your faithful student,
Master Control Cynic

Okay, that's settled. Not getting involved.

And..... Genghis has just sent me a wire saying that if I don't give him a tank he'll rip my head off.

.........

Dear Princess Celestia

F$&k the Mongols

MCC

I took GREAT PLEASURE in wiping the smug bastard off the face of the earth with the fury of God's own thunder. It became very clear that if I WANTED a domination victory, I could have had it by now.

But no, I was almost finished building my starship and heading out. So I was going to finish that.

I bet my friends will be so happ-- WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!?!

Seriously guys, why-- CATHERINE? YOU TOO?!

.........

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned that all of my friends are jealous assholes who want victory all for themselves.

So yeah, either destroy all those around you, or always be packing. Up to you.

Your rapidly aging student
Master Control Cynic

EVERYONE declared war on me at once when I was a few turns away from Alpha Centauri.

I managed to hold the fort until I made it, but still, what the hell?

My final recommendation......

I'd check it out.

This is probably the most COMPLICATED game I have ever reviewed. I think you guys have the GENERAL idea of how the game works, but it is REALLY hard to describe.

And.... I honestly don't like it that much.

Yeah, it falls in the same area as XCOM for me. I feel.... out of my element with this game.

But it's certainly IMPRESSIVE. They did a lot with this game, and for a free game, I got MORE than my money's worth.

So yeah. Check it out. If only to give credence to one of the most intricate gameplay setups I've ever seen.

.....

You know, something occurred to me.

April 2nd of this year is the second anniversary of my first review.

I should do something special.

Well my first review was.....

Oh.... Oh I could do THAT game.

It IS my favorite video game of all time....

But I CAN'T review that game, it's a sequel. To review it I would have to review the game- sorry- the TWO games that came before it to explain why I love it so much.

And describing the first game to my mother caused her to literally burst out laughing. Mostly because my explanation skills were low when I was TWELVE.

You know what? Challenge excepted! I'm going to do it! My BIGGEST challenge yet!

NEXT POST: KINGDOM HEARTS

Okay. This is going to take a WHILE. So I'll see you guys next week.

Batman: Arkham City

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yes! Yes. Yes. Yes. After TWO STRAIGHT REVIEWS of games so bad I was considering a ban against free games, I get to look at something that rarely fails to be awesome! BATMAN.

......

Okay, to be perfectly honest, while I do love Batman, I can only take so much of him at a time.

Batman is really DARK and BROODING. I can only read a certain amount of DARK and BROODING before I get sad. There has also been a high quotient of DARK and BROODING in media lately, partially because of Batman. There is so much DARK and BROODING I'm beginning to find it OVERWROUGHT and IRRITATING.

However I can ALWAYS watch Batman the Animated series, it's one of my favorite shows....

And THIS game was made by the same creators.

Okay, not quite. This game is a sequel. The FIRST game was made by the same creators, this game was SUPERVISED by the same creators, but written by different writers- WHATEVER, it's still awesome. So what's the plot of this one?

Okay, one year after the events of Arkham Asylum (the first game), Arkham Island and Stonegate prison have been shut down. Instead, a big ol' section of Gotham city has been walled off and made into a massive prison, with no guards and barely any regulations.

The name of this penal facility (*snort* "penal")? Arkham City.

This was all the idea of Criminal Psychologist Professor Hugo Strange.

For any non Batman fans who didn't IMMEDIATELY nod their heads at that last sentence, allow me to elaborate.

Hugo Strange is a Batman villain introduced in the early 80's. His main distinction was that he knew Batman's secret identity. He is also jealous of Batman's status as a hero, to the point of obsession.

Anyhow, the whole "Arkham City" idea is so insanely stupid that it forces Batman to do the very last thing anyone expected him to do...

RUN FOR OFFICE.

No joke. The game opens up with Bruce Wayne making a speech for his Mayoral campaign. I find this hilarious when you consider that Batman is the single most antisocial person in the DCU next to Spectre.

But anyway, due to mind control bullsh*t, Strange has total run of the whole city, so he throws Bruce Wayne in Arkham City.

After being accosted by various goons, contacting Alfred and suiting up, Batman learns that there is a three way gang war going on between Two-Face, Penguin, and (of course) Joker.

Things get even MORE complicated when Batman finds out that Joker (due to the events of the first game) is dying of blood poisoning. That would be dandy if Joker hadn't just given Batman a blood transfusion and made several donations to hospitals around Gotham.

There is also another thing causing a time limit. In ten hours, the mysterious Protocol 10 will be set in motion by Hugo Strange.

And....

To be honest, it's a massive let down. Ra's Al Ghul is involved. I've just given any Batman fan the entire secret. Whoop di daw. Blow up the prison with everyone in it in the name of "justice" or some crap. Never would have seen that one coming. Keep surprising us, Ra's. Whee.

And, in the words of Buster Keaton "That's all the plot you're gonna get out of me."

So the plot's really damn good, how's the gameplay?

The gameplay had one VERY HARD TASK ahead of it. The player must FEEL like Batman.

Let's face it. It's EASY to feel like Superman. I LIKE Superman (probably better than Bats, all things considered), but Supes has one, and only ONE tactic.

Hit it 'til it breaks.

I can do that in ANY Video Game, and, not that it's INEFFECTIVE, it's not exactly the height of SKILL, is it?

There are a lot more facets to Batman's STYLE than that. So let's cover them one at a time.

Do I feel like Batman, the master martial artist?

Yes. Combat flows better than any game I've ever seen. It's got this RYTHYM to it that's just unmatched.

Punch, punch, punch, counter.
Punch, punch, punch, counter.

It really is amazing. It's also the kind of fun that gets me throwing myself at hordes of goons for the simple pleasure of removing their motor skills with a guardrail.

Do I feel like Batman, World's Greatest Detective?

Actually, yeah! There are a few cases where super-science FORENSICS are used to investigate murders and the like. The "Detective Vision" mechanic helps you track down thugs and follow trails.

Do I feel like Batman, Terror Who Flaps in the Night?

Disturbingly so. It would be really stupid to go head to head with an armed goon, let alone six of them, so you find yourself hiding in the rafters, picking them off one by one as they get more and more terrified until the last one is LITERALLY afraid of his own shadow.

The Detective Vision keeps track of heart rates, telling you how scared a particular goon is.

I like to get to the last goon, then wait until his emotional status goes from "Terrified," to "Calm," THEN I leap out at them.

Heh heh, I'm a sadistic bastard.

Do I feel like Batman, Master of gadgetry?

Yes I do. To an insane degree. I'm not going to outline them all here, but let's sat that you have every batgadget you have ever heard of, plus a few you haven't.

Still no car this game though. Though I think that will be fixed in the next one.

AND no shark repellent! I really could have USED it too...

Do I feel like Batman, the mildly deranged workaholic?

Ohohoo... HELL yes.

There are no less than FIFTEEN different long running side missions. See, Arkham City is a big place, and there are more supervillains here than just the ones I've name-dropped. My favorites being:

Down The Rabbit Hole: Mad Hatter. Really, that's all I need to say.

Be prepared though, this one is WEIRD.

Cold Call Killer: Victor Zsasz (being far more interesting here than he ever was in the comics) has kidnapped three innocent people and is threatening to kill them if Batman can't find the payphones he is cold calling around Arkham City.

This is a job for Detective Vision.

This is a good way for you to get acquainted with the map.

Riddler's Revenge: Yeah, you'll notice he was conspicuously absent from the gang war I mentioned earlier.

So yeah, Riddler has kidnapped a bunch of doctors and has hidden riddles and trophies all around the map. He also gives you a machine that, when you have found enough knickknacks, will give you a far more CHALLENGING riddle that will lead you to a hostage.

And strap in, because this one takes MOST OF THE GAME.

Do I feel like Catwoman? Wait, what?!

Oh, yeah! You get to play as Catwoman in this! I completely forgot!

Yeah, she has her own thing going on with Two-Face. It's not as interesting as Batman's plot, but it's okay.

But do I FEEL like her.... No. I don't have the legs for it.

But she does handle NOTICEABLY different than Bats, in a good way. I actually think I'm better at combat with HER than I am with Batman.

Her segments hardly feel like a slog on the game. So that is a definite plus.

So yeah. Gameplay is a solid ten.

I also can't go this whole review without mentioning the dialogue.

This game has the best dialogue I have ever seen in a video game. Period.

Every line in the story hits its mark. My favorite exchange being:

Batman: "It was all a lie. There's NOTHING wrong with you."

Joker: "Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know there's PLENTY wrong with me.

"Take my blood, for example. I wish someone would, this stuff's KILLING me! Haha!"

But you can eavesdrop on goons talking to each other about the current situation. My favorite conversations were:

1) A few thugs discussing the fact that they were going to attempt to RAPE CATWOMAN, HARLEY QUINN, AND POISON IVY.

I know I should be offended, but this one made me laugh. It's just funny to me.

Seriously, can I be there when you guys try? I wanna see just how far you get before losing an arm.

2) Penguin's goons discuss the presence of a monster under Penguin's hideout.

Not really FUNNY, but good foreshadowing on a later boss fight.

I won't tell you who it is, but let's say this particular gent was "Born on a Monday."

3) Some of Joker's goons, not wanting to join Penguin or Two-Face after Joker dies, come to the decision to become Batman villains. They begin to work out names and costumes.

I let these guys go without a scratch. More power to you, guys. I'll see you at Arkham.

Wow. This has been REALLY positive so far. I need to nitpick something.

....

Ooh! I got it!

Come on! Arleen Sorkin isn't voicing Harley Quinn anymore?! That is horsesh*t! Bruce Timm BASED the character off of her attitude! You got Kevin Conroy back for Batman, Mark Hamil back for Joker, and NOT Arleen Sorkin for Harley?!

What talentless bimbo DID you get?!?!

Oh....

Oh, you got Tara Strong.

My favorite voice actress on the planet.

The star of my favorite TV show.

And she did such a good job in this role I had to look on IMDB just to realize this had even happened.

Huh.

Yeah, this may just be the perfect video game.

I LIKE a few games better than this one (like I said, there is only so much Batman I can take before I get suicidal), but this is definitely the most WELL MADE video game I've ever played. I can't think of anyplace it really FAILS or is even lackluster. It's just a damn good game.

I got the "Game of the Year" Edition. It comes with a bonus disc with all the extra DLC that was released over time.

And I almost want to send them more money. Just, you know, out of RESPECT.

So yeah, pick it up. It's worth your time, it's worth your money, AND it's certainly worth the standard depression that comes with any Batman story.

SPEAKING of depression...

*Sigh* This means my leave is over. Back to crappy free XBLA games....

So come on. What have you got? I can take it.

NEXT POST: CIVILIZATION: REVOLUTION

Oh. Okay. Well this is hardly a BAD game.

I just suck at it.